I'll never understand

[teanoranges]

I don't know what I'm feeling ever. Every single emotion is jumbled up in me.

I miss him, but I also know there's no chance of ever being together again without some serious baggage.... not that he'd ever give me a chance.

 

Its been 7.5 months since we broke up. That's wow to me. I can't believe I'm still so stuck on him. Of course, I still talked to him for a good bit after and have only been NC for 2.5 months... but I miss him and all his energy. I miss talking to him about things that aren't common amongst a lot of people I meet.

 

I miss the feel of him there. I hate him for falling in love with someone else. I hate him for leaving me in quiet NC for so long and knowing he won't break it either.

 

I hate that I missed all the signs that this was happening.

I hate that I can't even think of another guy let alone start being attracted to one.

I can't believe he left me. I can't believe he doesn't love me. or ever did anymore.

 

I hate these feelings. Why won't they go away? He haunts my mind everyday and I keep trying to stop it, but its not working.

I want it to go away. How does it go away?

[curiousnycgirl]

I have no words of wisdom for you - but I feel so very much the same as you that I just wanted to offer my support.

 

My emotions are also all jumbled, and I also hate that he left me in NC and will never ever reach out to me ever again.

 

I miss him - I miss my best friend. I also hate the fact that he doesn't love me anymore (and may never have loved me at all).

 

So I send you lots of hugs, and prayers that you will find your place in this world. I wish that for all of us.

[teanoranges]

NC = no contact... silly that it is the abbreviation for north carolina. haha.

 

curiousnycgirl, thanks so much for the kind words... sometimes it does help to know people feel this too and its a stage of life.

I can feel my life going on and its quite good, but i just can't help but want him right next to me to hear all my stories for the day, and for me to hear his.

lol, ah, life.

[curiousnycgirl]

I completely understand whenever something happens during my day, good or bad, my first reaction is ooh I have to tell him about this - he'll appreciate it.

 

But I can't tell him anymore - so I feel incomplete and sad despite how well things may or may not be going, the hole is always there.

 

{{{HUGS}}}} and of course we deserve lots of bunnies too! :bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

[dazzle22]

There are several things about being in your situation that are particularly painful. I have always felt it is easier for people whose lovers die than for people whose lovers leave them...because

 

-you can't help but feel you were not enough, pretty enough, witty enough, whatever, because you were left behind

 

-people who do the leaving have closure. They know why they left. The left one never gets the answers. Loose ends, never to be tied...

 

-people whose lovers die get a lot of sympathy from friends who don't expect them to "get over it" quickly. Yet when you lose a lover who just "leaves", friends expect you to get over this more quickly, and look at you like "what is wrong with her, why can't she move on?"

 

so, I think these three aspects take longer to get over than if a lover dies. So I don't think first of all, that you should be down on yourself for not being over it yet. You may never totally get over some aspects of it, so you have to learn to live with it without letting it consume you.

 

It is helpful to fill life with friends, activities, but from my experience, the only real way to get over something like this totally, is to be fortunate enough to find someone you love more than the first. Then, the feelings "melt away"... just some musings, have been where you are....

[twinklecat]

Hey there teanoranges, how are you? Haven't really got and advice, other than I have been feeling very similar to you these past few days, so I can relate. One huge big rollercoaster ride of emotions. Some times I feel really great, others like today, just feel so depressed, everything feels tinged with sadness.

 

Well done with the NC by the way! At just over a month here, I guess there's certain points during NC where it really kicks you, and I miss him desperately.

 

And curiousnycgirl, I get that!! Something happens and first person to pop in my head is him -ugh, and it irritates the crap out of me!

 

I do know that this will get better, it's just the journey towards being fully healed, it's always hard but it will be worth it in the end x

[GrayClouds]

TeanO I suggest you pick up the book:

 

Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

 

While is has been 7 months you have only started to let go 2.5 months ago so be easy on yourself. That said, there may be other things that are holding you back. The book will help either way. There some good exercises that can move you froward.

 

Good Luck

[teanoranges]

thanks grayclouds, I'm going to check for that book in my local library, reading and understanding this stuff from a psychological standpoint does help me a little.

 

twinklecat, I do know that time will heal it, as its healed so much in all of our lives. Its just a pain!! haha.

 

I love the bunnies btw curiousnycgirl!! I couldn't help but smile and forget for a second with those little things hopping around!!

 

dazzle, I do understand what you mean about the death of a loved one, but for me I see it more of a positive that he left me instead of died with me. I couldn't even fathom being in deep love and losing someone like that. I don't think I would be able to cope, so its sort of better that we ended. I don't think perhaps I should be with anyone very long for that fear more than the other. but that's also a topic that hasn't been touched yet for me and can't really compare it to because I don't know how it feels unless I feel it.

 

Things are ok so far... they aren't getting easier at the moment. I keep thinking I'll wake up and be 'okay' again, but this morning the thought of him popped into my head and that's what actually woke me up!

It was the reality of not being with him that slapped me awake, if you will.

 

So I'm going to keep chugging along and see how much longer its going to take before I can forget him. I know I won't even notice it, so I guess that's the hard part... forgetting enough to forget.

[twinklecat]

Keep on pushing forward, you're doing great! I do believe evrything does happen for a reason, for me, my ex has taught me some very big life lessons, which while I have really bad days, I am ultimately better off for. I find thinking like that rather than dwelling/wishing/hoping really helps, that and listening to happy music, that has really elevated my mood today!

[Beeotch]

I don't know what I'm feeling ever. Every single emotion is jumbled up in me.

I miss him, but I also know there's no chance of ever being together again without some serious baggage.... not that he'd ever give me a chance.

 

Its been 7.5 months since we broke up. That's wow to me. I can't believe I'm still so stuck on him. Of course, I still talked to him for a good bit after and have only been NC for 2.5 months... but I miss him and all his energy. I miss talking to him about things that aren't common amongst a lot of people I meet.

 

I miss the feel of him there. I hate him for falling in love with someone else. I hate him for leaving me in quiet NC for so long and knowing he won't break it either.

 

I hate that I missed all the signs that this was happening.

I hate that I can't even think of another guy let alone start being attracted to one.

I can't believe he left me. I can't believe he doesn't love me. or ever did anymore.

 

I hate these feelings. Why won't they go away? He haunts my mind everyday and I keep trying to stop it, but its not working.

I want it to go away. How does it go away?

 

The answer to that question is what we all already know but wish wasn't the truth: with time.

 

The amount of time of a break up doesn't matter so much as our mindset and what we're doing within that time frame. For example, if you have been broken up for 7 months but the entire time you have been wishing for the person to come back, scheming for them to come back, been secretly stalking them etc then ofcourse there was no active moving forward on your part and things are going to be dragged out more. I said in another thread that we don't wanna hear that we actually have to go through the pain and heart ache, we all want some magic solution, to pop a pill and forget, to do away with it etc...I spent MANY a weeks and months daydreaming about these fantastic, completely unrealistic options of forgetting needless to say, those never happened and I had to go through it. But I am grateful because the hard times caused me to grow and stretch myself as a person.

 

The first step IMO is to come to grips with the reality of what is. Why the relationship broke down? Who is this person? How are things now? What is your own mindset, what do you want out of life and relationships? Write it down even. The other big thing is to DECIDE you want to move on and be over this person then take the steps to do so. Throw yourself into a journey of self-exploration where you learn about you and learn things to improve your life (spiritually, physically, intellectually etc). Ofcourse continue No Contact and just resolve to keep moving forward at all cost.

 

I think a big obstacle in moving forward is that most if not all of us, somewhere have that hope or wish that our exes will get back together with us and we can try again. Is that possible? Yes. Do I sometimes think that? Yes....that is not the crime. What I have realized is that, if that should occur, it will occur in its own time and when I am READY and in a better place and so will my ex have to be. There is NOTHING I can do to speed that up or make it happen so I CANNOT spend my time focusing on that. The BEST thing is to completely move forward as if there is no chance of that...build yourself up and believe that the universe gives us what we need...and if that is what is going to happen or should happen-IT WILL! So don't be preoccupied with it. You can't rush it along but you can improve yourself and be a better you.

 

Also...loneliness! That is another thing. I am 9 months post break up and I think what plagues me now is NOT fanciful ideas of running into the arms of my ex but loneliness. The missing of a relationship and that romantic companionship and of course since my ex was whom I had that with recently it is only natural that it causes me to think of him but it helps for me to actually realize it is normal and to just hang with friends, do activities I like and keep hope alive of a great relationship in the future to combat those feelings of loneliness when they come.

 

 

You're going to feel like crap, you're going to be a wreck some days, you're going to miss this person, you just have to realize "I am gonna feel like crap"....vent on here, find a friend to confide in, journal, etc. Deal with the emotions as they come. But don't let that stop you from moving forward. Each time you fall, get back up and just keep moving. Even if you can't see the way forward, imagine yourself in a smoky room and you KNOW to survive and make it out alive you just have to crawl on the floor to the smoke until you make it to the exit. NO ONE feels bad forever...so with a resolve to feel better, learn about yourself, learning to forgive, to let go etc, gradually you're gonna get better and better. Take it from me.

Edited January 18, 2010 by Beeotch

[ginyi1111]

I suppose all the dumpees will always feel this way. You dont really know why they left, what was the REAL reason that they broke up with you, what had been going through their mind when they finally pulled the trigger and 'killed' us.

 

And it's especially hard when the dumpers that stick hard to NC...I know how sucky that feels like...

 

BUT we have to stay strong and true to ourselves. You might feel like the most worthless person in the world because you opened up to that only person and they decide that they no longer wanna be with us but bear in mind, out worth is not limited to one person...there are so many others around us that still care and cherish us...

 

One day you will find the pain lessen.....and all of us are waiting for that one day that the thought of them never crossed our minds...not even once.

[teanoranges]

Its truly amazing the kind of insight you can get from people who go through all of this.

 

Though, I am still torn over him, I am believing in my process of healing and I have faith that one day the feelings will just dissipate, and I want that to happen without me jumping into the arms of someone else because I know that I will be fine on my own.

 

Before I met him I was very pessimistic, and I don't know if I naturally became optimistic or if it was from his presence, but I really feel good about myself and I really don't think lowly of myself.

 

There's a lot of people I admire and a lot of famous people one might see and think 'wow, they are awesome'

but you know what... I'm sure someone's left them before, and I know it wasn't because they sucked... it was just that they don't work out as a couple...

and I've been trying to look at my relationship that way. Neither of us were bad people, but together we didn't do much good....

 

another thing is my ego. He said I didnt deserve him and he said I'd let him go and we'd forget each other.... I hated that he was right... now, I'm trying to accept it wasn't a bad thing for him to be right. lol.

 

You guys are all awesome and I hope we all heal well.

[Beeotch]

There are several things about being in your situation that are particularly painful. I have always felt it is easier for people whose lovers die than for people whose lovers leave them...because

 

-you can't help but feel you were not enough, pretty enough, witty enough, whatever, because you were left behind

 

-people who do the leaving have closure. They know why they left. The left one never gets the answers. Loose ends, never to be tied...

 

-people whose lovers die get a lot of sympathy from friends who don't expect them to "get over it" quickly. Yet when you lose a lover who just "leaves", friends expect you to get over this more quickly, and look at you like "what is wrong with her, why can't she move on?"

 

so, I think these three aspects take longer to get over than if a lover dies. So I don't think first of all, that you should be down on yourself for not being over it yet. You may never totally get over some aspects of it, so you have to learn to live with it without letting it consume you.

 

It is helpful to fill life with friends, activities, but from my experience, the only real way to get over something like this totally, is to be fortunate enough to find someone you love more than the first. Then, the feelings "melt away"... just some musings, have been where you are....

 

Terrific post, insightful and so very true.

 

It is true that until you meet someone better than your ex, these residual feelings will be there as they automatically become your measuring stick and they automatically pop into your head when you think of romance, even if you are mostly over them and not pining to get them back. That was what happened with my ex before this one, I moved on with my life, did not want to be with him but I still used him as a measuring stick and still thought about the good times and so on when I was thinking of romance. Once I met my current ex though was when I TOTALLY got over him and never thought about him in that way any longer. He resurfaced surprisingly after a year of no contact, the week my current ex and I broke up and there were NO feelings there....

 

So it is true. This shouldnt be confused with rebounding though. So for me I realize that my thoughts of y ex are not going to completely vanish but it is only when I meet someone better whom I like as much or more than him will I completely stop thinking about him.

[phoenix1]

@teanoranges - you are definitely not alone in these feelings. I am about to be 6 months post break up here in a few days and sometimes it still feels so raw...I too wonder when I can stop feeling so much pain, depression and missing him. I just started NC again...I've tried before, and he would always come around, and I would fall for him again. I'm finally getting in touch with some anger, for so long all I could feel was sadness and longing. The anger helps, reminds me why I can't be with him, and helps me stay away from him.

 

@dazzle22 - you said the words I have thought so many times, but am afraid to say! People just have a limited amount of sympathy for a broken heart. I still feel so sad....but I often keep my feelings to myself because I feel like people are so tired of hearing it, and I'm sure they think, oh just get over it. Yet, I feel devastated.

 

@beeotch - thanks for your words of wisdom, and hope.

[USMCHokie]

This is a good thread with some insightful and inspirational posts...I'm right about where you are, teanoranges...both in time and feelings...it's certainly a slow and gradual process...

[teanoranges]

This all IS very inspirational, and you all have no idea how much it has helped me hold it together that past couple of days.

I have woken up more refreshed today and so grateful to it.

I'm going to try my best to begin to hope, but to do it in a different way without my ex as a part of it.

I'm going to be hanging out with some mutual friends of ours in a couple of days (I've distanced myself from them since the breakup but I know they are good people who understand) and I think that really brought out some feelings, but I hope to have the head I have today then. I don't plan on talking about the ex!

 

I'm trying to hope as I said, in a different way. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm going to really test myself and try to go out of my way to do things that I wouldn't normally do, but have wanted to (maybe I'd be too embarrassed or something like that) or that I thought I always needed someone to do with me.

I really like myself and my mind, and a long time ago I said I wouldn't date someone like me....

and I change my mind. I would date someone like me! I think that's a huge realization in terms of self-love (I think I always felt I'd be vain if I said I would..)

 

I'm envisioning characteristics I have always wanted in a lover, and coming to realize I did settle with my ex. I always believed he had the qualities and I was just waiting for him to get comfortable enough to show them...

there's really no time in that.

I'm going to really keep my eyes open and see what's able to be seen, and try not to make stories, or excuses, up for anyone.

 

Please feel free to share your realizations or your tipping points for figuring out something is awry.

 

I feel like I'm letting go, and not forcefully anymore. I think its going to be okay now if I let him go.

^_^ almost makes me want to cry "in a different way"

[Beeotch]

This all IS very inspirational, and you all have no idea how much it has helped me hold it together that past couple of days.

I have woken up more refreshed today and so grateful to it.

I'm going to try my best to begin to hope, but to do it in a different way without my ex as a part of it.

I'm going to be hanging out with some mutual friends of ours in a couple of days (I've distanced myself from them since the breakup but I know they are good people who understand) and I think that really brought out some feelings, but I hope to have the head I have today then. I don't plan on talking about the ex!

 

I'm trying to hope as I said, in a different way. I'm thinking that perhaps I'm going to really test myself and try to go out of my way to do things that I wouldn't normally do, but have wanted to (maybe I'd be too embarrassed or something like that) or that I thought I always needed someone to do with me.

I really like myself and my mind, and a long time ago I said I wouldn't date someone like me....

and I change my mind. I would date someone like me! I think that's a huge realization in terms of self-love (I think I always felt I'd be vain if I said I would..)

I'm envisioning characteristics I have always wanted in a lover, and coming to realize I did settle with my ex. I always believed he had the qualities and I was just waiting for him to get comfortable enough to show them...

there's really no time in that.

I'm going to really keep my eyes open and see what's able to be seen, and try not to make stories, or excuses, up for anyone.

Please feel free to share your realizations or your tipping points for figuring out something is awry.

 

I feel like I'm letting go, and not forcefully anymore. I think its going to be okay now if I let him go.

^_^ almost makes me want to cry "in a different way"

 

Aww that is REALLLY terrific and true!

 

The great thing is, the more you do you, the MORE your eyes open.....the more you focus on your ex, the more you become blind and the deeper you venture into the dark tunnel. But once you focus on yourself you start walking towards the light--corny but that is how I'd describe it.

 

 

And funnily enough, letting go is scary, feeling better is scary! I think when we spend so much time wanting this person, being consumed, loving them, pining after them, all our energies are focused on them it is like "breaking up" with these feelings is also hard! You almost don't know what to do with the thought of not feeling like that anymore after feeling like that for months...you start to almost panic....like omg can I really just be over this? Lol it is weird, but once you climb over it, it's fine. That's the point: it will be fine!

[teanoranges]

Beeotch, completely corny but completely right and no other way to describe it!

You are sooo right about the feelings too. I wouldn't have been able to describe it and you really nailed it!

I feel myself letting go every so often and I do go through a very little panic.. oh my god, I'm actually living and not moping... what am I going to do?! haha, its really funny yet not!

 

I'm so close to being healed I can taste it... and its really thanks to everyone!!

[GrayClouds]

I'm envisioning characteristics I have always wanted in a lover, and coming to realize I did settle with my ex. I always believed he had the qualities and I was just waiting for him to get comfortable enough to show them...

there's really no time in that.

I'm going to really keep my eyes open and see what's able to be seen, and try not to make stories, or excuses, up for anyone.

 

Very nice teanoranges. I think many of us do that.

 

We think if we love them enough. make them feel safe enough to true be themselves those qualities we just KNOW that is inside of them will open up and they will cherish us for setting them free. We fall in love with what they can be not what they are. But basically what we see it what we get.

 

And there is the temptation that if they do not grow into that person we think they are capable of being, then we can play the victim because they did not appreciate our effort or had the courage to grow.

 

Congratulation for recognizing this, it will help you from repeating the same mistake. There is many individuals that continue this pattern their whole lives.

 

It is a very nurturing way to love. And we love like how we want to be loved. With the right partner is can be highly healthy and rewarding relationship, but again, with the right partner. So be choosy.

Edited January 20, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Beeotch]

Very nice teanoranges. I think many of us do that.

 

We think if we love them enough. make them feel safe enough to true be themselves those qualities we just KNOW that is inside of them will open up and they will cherish us for setting them free. We fall in love with what they can be not what they are. But basically what we see it what we get.

 

And there is the temptation that if they do not grow into that person we think they are capable of being, then we can play the victim because they did not appreciate our effort or had the courage to grow.

 

Congratulation for recognizing this, it will help you from repeating the same mistake. There is many individuals that continue this pattern their whole lives.

 

It is a very nurturing way to love. And we love like how we want to be loved. With the right partner is can be highly healthy and rewarding relationship, but again, with the right partner. So be choosy.

 

This so very much describes the situation I was faced with in regards to my ex. I still believe that the true him needs to blossom, and actually while we were together was when he was himself, but after we broke up as when he delved deeper into being what he is not. His issues and so forth are not imaginary, and I too felt like I could help him once he allowed me to. He even asked me back in November to help him be a better person......

 

The difference is though, that while I know he has issues and believe that EVERYONE can change and improve themselves....I know I cannot change him or put myself in a compromising position for him. I have to love me and not be this martyr who is selflessly loving him, although most of us are not selfless and we love them with the hopes it is returned I read a lot on loving unlovable people and loving selflessly and unconditionally and have been trying to put that into practice. That means, I love my ex from afar. I try not to harbor animosity towards him or continuously judge him but I am not going to insert myself into his life, esp when he is not letting me in. I go on my merry way and say a prayer for him, and that's it. I vowed not to pine after what COULD BE but think of what actually IS. Soooo I wish him the best truly and I hope he stops the shennanigans for his sake and his child's sake but I am not going to count on it and put my life on hold for it.

[DC21]

Not to hijack this thread but...what I find difficult to deal with are 2 emotions. One, how do I fill all that time? Between the texting, phone calls etc, it took up hours a day. I find myself using destructive behavior and I know I need to stop but how? And second, I have this thought that I will never find anybody as good as my ex. Definitely a pity party but nonetheless...

 

Btw, the insights, advise and wisdom in this thread are all incredible. You all should pat yourselves on the back.

[teanoranges]

Beeoch, I really try to feel that way too. My ex really is a good guy at heart (though really into himself sometimes! lol) but people love him and he showers them with really great energy... he's a natural leader.

But anywho, I try not to hate him or blame him though he really tore me up. Afterall, we are all learning.

 

DC21, TIME. haha, you hate it but its always the thing. Time helps with reflecting and distancing yourself. I was horrible the first 5 months of the breakup, and still the first month of NC.

Age somewhat plays a role... and the number of relationships you've had that you've learned from.

I guess basically, its your strength of mind and self-love. If you know you'll get through, you will... if you mope... you'll just mope. Its like dancing.. if you always dance one way you'll be good at dancing that way... but until you try other things you can't really progress...

now I'm just rambling

You figure out something you did before them or something you want to start to fill time... then accept that you're okay doing whatever.

I felt I had such a boring life at first, now I know this is ME and whoever loves me will accept me.

You have to create a hope that someone is out there that is better. For one, they are already better if they'll love you and not leave you like an ex did.

 

Try to learn from it all, if you can.

[Beeotch]

Not to hijack this thread but...what I find difficult to deal with are 2 emotions. One, how do I fill all that time? Between the texting, phone calls etc, it took up hours a day. I find myself using destructive behavior and I know I need to stop but how? And second, I have this thought that I will never find anybody as good as my ex. Definitely a pity party but nonetheless...

 

Btw, the insights, advise and wisdom in this thread are all incredible. You all should pat yourselves on the back.

 

Well now that you have major free time, fill it with things that are HEALTHY! Hang with friends, do something online that doesnt involve stalking your ex, write in a journal, go out to various places, find a new hobby, read inspirational books, hang with your family...there are lots and lots of options. If you realize that outside of your ex you had no life, that is a problem, and now you need to get a life (in all seriousness).

 

As for that thought...EVERYONE has it, but that has proven to be a FALSE THOUGHT and most everyone finds someone better. You have power over your thoughts when you realize how meaningless some of them are. Constantly tell yourself the reality when you begin to think like that. Don't allow yourself to think into it too long, your feelings can make you think and do all forms of thing, but the reality is: you CAN and most likely will find someone better. It is normal to feel this way now, as you are going through it but just keep thinking of the MANY MANY MANY who have gone before you who thought the same and moved on and were happy as well as maybe your own past where you thought someone or something was the world or your most favorite only to have it replaced by something else that you like better and how you don't even too much consider that other thing anymore.

 

Trust me...with time things become clearer and your ex shines in a less and less amazing light. Your ex may very well be a great person, but perhaps not the one for you, as time goes by you will be able to think about things more clearly and realistically. My ex before this has great qualities! Infact there are some things about him that I think suit me better than my current ex did, but you know what, while dating my current ex I NEVER thought about my previous ex and those qualities and now that Im no longer with either of them, I can still think about good qualities of my former ex and current one...but I also am VERY hopeful and confident that I can find an awesome and even more compatible connection with someone else in the future

Edited January 21, 2010 by Beeotch