Lingering trust issues from last gf may have ruined new relationship

[Exit]

Well looks like I'm single again. After my last 1.5 year relationship ended, she didn't cheat or anything but the breakup blind-sided me and she did find someone new relatively quick, so it left me with the scar knowing that someone you love can find someone else at any time.

 

After about 7 months of healing from that, I ventured into the online dating world and received a message from a pretty cool girl. We started hanging out and hit it off and have been together for about two months now. The biggest challenge for me was that she had male roommates who she has dated in the past and I would get jealous when she paid attention to them or wanted days to hang out with them. Early in the relationship we talked about it bothering me and it ended up with me writing her a letter saying I knew I just had to take the risk and trust her if there was any hope of this working. But since then I have failed to do that, I kept getting jealous. She also had many trust issues with me, I hardly have any Facebook friends but I have a few females on there and she would always accuse me of wanting them.

 

I'd spend up to 3 days at a time living at her place so we could be together, then I'd go home so I could go to the gym or get clean clothes, and she'd get all paranoid and ask what I went home for and why I wasn't texting her much. So this week I ended up feeling the same way, I had been there for three days and was home the next day, I text her asking how she's doing at work and get a one word answer, and it offended me so I told her I know she finds time to text these other guys so why can't she talk to me. She took this as me not trusting her again so now we are broken up.

 

I've never been in this situation before where a GF has close male friends and I guess I was too insecure to handle it. I kept trying to be logical, asking myself why she would be on a dating site in the first place if she had feelings for either one of these guys she would just date them again, but logical failed to block out my fears. I was scared of being dumped and hurt but now that's exactly what I received. Law of attraction anyone? I thought I learned from my last relationship that doubt and fear just brings about bad things. In every situation my instinct was just screaming not to trust her, I don't know if there really was something to worry about or if it's just left over fears from how badly my last breakup hurt.

 

I've told her that I'm sorry and I wish we could keep trying, and I know the only thing to do now is stop talking. I chased my last ex for 5 months, I know that does no good.

 

My brain knows this wasn't the greatest relationship, she's a bit of a hypocrite by yelling at me to trust her and other things and then doing those very behaviors herself. One time she got so mad that she threw a drink at me and another time hit me on the arm fairly hard. Not that I can't take a hit from a girl, but I know that physical outbursts are no more acceptable for a girl than a guy.

 

I guess I have to accept that it's my fault. She really didn't do anything. She had already forgiven me for not trusting her a few times but my jealousy just wouldn't go away and now she's fed up. I'm going to keep quiet and hope that she misses me but I'm not too sure that I'll be hearing from her.

[Blossom78]

Don't blame yourself at all..I know myself that by being dumped leaves you feeling very insecure and frightened. You are definately better off without someone who throws drinks at you and yes i'd say she's a hypocrite! Same as myself I think you need to find someone eventually who will take time to show you how much they think of you and care about you..there would then be no jealousy issues as you would know that 100 % things are going well and they feel lots for you. Trust is built and earned and by the way her behaviour has been .. doesn't paint a great a picture.

 

I was told something by an old lady I looked after and it is so true..Evil thinkers are enil doers..the one doing most of the accusing it is because they are doing it themselves.

[HLP234]

She can have male friends but there is a thin line between friends and what she is actually doing or talking to this friends about. My ex also had male friends and she would go and talk to them about problems rather than come talk to me.

 

She left me for one of her friends and never said anything. I know you are scared and feel insecure now. But you have to take into perspective that if you tell your partner something you are not comfortable with and they don't acknowledge it, that you must look out for yourself.

 

Its hard to assume what another is thinking but don't feel bad about it. Keep yourself busy and you will find someone else that will understand you. Its easier said than done, as always. No point in trying if you are not getting anything back.

[Exit]

I think you need to find someone eventually who will take time to show you how much they think of you and care about you..there would then be no jealousy issues as you would know that 100 % things are going well and they feel lots for you.

 

Yeah. I was already thinking along those lines but I felt like maybe I was searching for a scapegoat so I could blame it all on her. But it's the truth, she's not very affectionate, sometimes I feel like her friends get just as much attention as I do. Some days I hardly get a kiss or a hug, when we wake up in bed together she's never affectionate in the morning just hops up and goes downstairs and starts doing other stuff. So part of it was my insecurities and part of it was her not knowing how to show love. I would do all sorts of things for her, she lives with two guys and I'd be the one shoveling the driveway so nobody slips and falls, cleaning the house, the other day I drove her to the doctor and she was nervous so I was sitting outside drawing corny little pictures on my touch screen phone and text messaging them to her so she would laugh while she was waiting for the doctor. The last time she came to my house was Thanksgiving, since then I've been driving the 30 miles to see her every time, always hanging out at her place so she can have her bed and her shower and her clothes. I'm sure if she made me feel a little more important I wouldn't have been so doubtful. She cooks meals just as often for her roommates as she does for me, I can't help that I wished more of the focus was on me.

 

She can have male friends but there is a thin line between friends and what she is actually doing or talking to this friends about. My ex also had male friends and she would go and talk to them about problems rather than come talk to me.

 

Yeah that's part of what bothers me. She is always going to them for help. She recently had a little car wreck so one guy drives her to work the other guy picks her up in the evening, even on the days where I'm at her house waiting for her to get home from work. I ask her why the hell she wouldn't want her boyfriend to come pick her up and she claims it's hard to figure out where her workplace is and that she thought she was being considerate by NOT asking me for help. I keep telling her that's what I'm there for, I want to be the one helping her, but she keeps saying she would rather ask other people. I tell her it makes me feel useless and unreliable but she doesn't listen. I know she even tells the one guy about the sex life between me and her and one day I asked her "do you have ANY discretion? Is anything personal between us? Even our sex life your roommates have to be involved". She claims she's just an open person and doesn't mind talking about anything with anyone. Whatever.

 

But you have to take into perspective that if you tell your partner something you are not comfortable with and they don't acknowledge it, that you must look out for yourself.

 

Yeah, at the very least, I consider myself good at communicating, and I make it clear when something bothers me. She never shows a single sign of sympathy or understanding, any conversations about me being uncomfortable turn into her saying "get over it, they're my friends, I'm not changing for you", just a really harsh uncompromising attitude.

Edited January 17, 2010 by Exit

[PACT]

I think when the male friends are ex's you have every right to wish she focused more on you. Obviously, if she's never dated or hooked up with them before, male friends can be just that...male friends.

 

The difference lies in her having dated them or had some period of sexual involvement. My experience with that is that even though she says they are friends, they're not. Ocassionally I guess they might be, but with my last gf the whole deal was oh no that ex is just a friend or that past hook up, we're just friends now. And before I knew it she had cheated on me with the ex bf "friend" and nearly done the same with the ex-hook up "friend"

[Exit]

I think when the male friends are ex's you have every right to wish she focused more on you. Obviously, if she's never dated or hooked up with them before, male friends can be just that...male friends.

 

The difference lies in her having dated them or had some period of sexual involvement. My experience with that is that even though she says they are friends, they're not. Ocassionally I guess they might be, but with my last gf the whole deal was oh no that ex is just a friend or that past hook up, we're just friends now. And before I knew it she had cheated on me with the ex bf "friend" and nearly done the same with the ex-hook up "friend"

 

 

Yeah it definitely is a tricky situation. Like I said, on one hand I ask myself why she would have been on a dating website if she wanted either of them, it would have just been easier to date one of them. The one guy she was VERY serious with for a long time, they were engaged and everything, but she says he did way too much wrong with lying and other stuff and she would never take him back. But get this -- during our relationship, she revealed to me that sometimes he would still say that he loved her or try touching her leg or things like that -- and I told her that was BS but she said she can't control how he acts and she's not interested in it. That made me so uncomfortable that eventually I talked to the guy and said he needs to stop. But she made no effort to stop it, she kept hanging out with him, she'd go out to eat with both of them and tell me again that she's not interested in him and it's not her fault if he chooses to hit on her or anything.

 

The other guy she dated for a very short period of time and that relationship ended years ago for reasons involving something that happened with that guys family, at that point they decided to just be good friends, and now they are extremely close and I know he's the one that she hangs out with alone on certain days and texts him during work just as much as she texts me. He's the one who doesn't have too many other friends in town so she uses that as an excuse and tells me their relationship ended many years ago and there has been nothing since.

 

I don't know what to think. Hearing people somewhat agree with my fears is just reminding me why I was suspicious of her. I even asked her one day how can you stand in one room with two guys that you've slept with and one guy that you're sleeping with now and not feel strange about that.

[HLP234]

My ex was the same, always going to her friend for support, saying that I would get mad and upset if she came to me with problems because I didn't understand. That is just an excuse, I was her boyfriend, I was there to take care of her and no one else.

 

It got to the point where she could have male friends and talk to them all the time, but I was not allowed to even look or talk to another girl. Her "friend" she always talked to ended up being the guy she is with now. Telling you they are just friends and they would never date is all a BS excuse.

 

You know how they are if they feel insecure so you give yourself over to them and they don't realize it. Well you can't blame yourself for doing anything wrong because you haven't. If they left on their own that's what they wanted.

 

I have noticed that in the beginning if you notice she has a lot of male friends, talk to her about it, but if you see anything that makes you have doubts, that is always something to look out for. If you try and do stuff for her to make her feel better and she gets hostile for it, than you can pretty much say she is not having the same feelings for you, so you should take the first step in ending it.

 

I waited around for my ex because I love her and I wanted her to figure things out..she ended up leaving without letting me know. Found out other ways, and now I am the one dealing with the pain.

[Exit]

Yeah, I honestly kind of wish I had ended it first. She gave me plenty of reasons. I'm so bad at ending relationships. Even if I dump someone, if they don't try to fix things and ask to have another chance, then I still feel like I'm the one being rejected because they hardly care that I'm leaving. But I'm sick of getting dumped, that's probably the only reason I'm still talking to her and try to get another chance, because I don't like that I'm the one who got dumped.

 

She just texted me a while ago and told me she's barely been paying attention to her phone and that she's going out to run some more errands and isn't bringing her phone with her. Funny thing is I know 99% of the time she takes that other guy with her to do errands and always says "why not, we live together, why should I go out alone". She's good at justifying everything she does, but it still doesn't add up to me. Actually I just remembered that her car is still wrecked, so yeah, she must be running these errands with one of these other guys so they can drive.

 

Like you said HLP, I try that tactic on her, asking if it's ok for me to hang out with females, and she says no, her situation is different, she lives with them so of course they have to go shopping together and do things together. She says there is no comparison to me hanging out with a female when she's not around. Total BS. She didn't even trust me to go hang out with my friend and HIS girlfriend because she was convinced that his GF was going to want me.

 

I tried telling her that the suspicious person is usually the one who is up to something, but she says I technically started it first by not trusting her about her roommates, and claims her accusations at me have only been a reaction to me not trusting her.

 

I'm too good at seeing things from both angles. I can see my side of the story and how some of what she does is borderline inappropriate and she doesn't pay attention to me the most, and on the other hand I can pretty much believe her that these guys are just friends and I'm being stupid for doubting her. I don't know.

 

I wish I didn't have feelings for her. I wish I could just let this go, I don't know why I'm asking her to think about another chance. There's too much BS surrounding her.

Edited January 17, 2010 by Exit

[Exit]

At least she is answering my texts (when she feels like it). I think if I tread very lightly the next few days she would probably come back around but I don't even know if I should bother.

 

She breaks up with me over literally every disagreement. We do not have a fight that does not end up with someone driving home, or turning off their phone, or breaking up. I told her that's part of why I don't trust her, she doesn't show me any commitment by breaking up three times a week. But of course she says we only break up because of the problems I cause.

 

She likes to refuse to hang out with me when she's mad and I told her I think that's twisted and abusive. If we both care about each other, not being together should be just as much of a punishment for her as it is for me, it shouldn't be something she gladly uses against me and rubs it in my face that she's gonna go do things without me instead. I can't even count how many weekends of days off from work there have been where we were supposed to do something and I was looking forward to it, but she ends up getting mad and refusing to see me because she knows it'll hurt me.

 

Why don't I hate this girl? Why do I even want to put up with this?

Edited January 17, 2010 by Exit

[PACT]

We all do dome things when we are emotionally attached, you put up with **** that you look back down the road several months or a year or so later and say how in the hell did I just take that?

 

I wouldn't talk to her too much. Maybe she will come back around, but she will never realize the mistake she made if you are always talking to her even after she dumped you.

 

My general rule with people who are "friends" with their ex's is that I just don't even get involved with them. Too risky unless I can be completely sure they really are just friends, which is possible but most of the time not the case.

[HLP234]

If you are going to continue to talk to her, don't hope for anything. Even be cold and a little mean if you have to. Let her realize that she left you, and you don't need to put up with this nonsense.

 

Even after my ex and I were on "break" if I told her some girl Im'ed me or something she would flip out! She would then say I am lying because I had told her I don't talk to girls. Which I didn't when we were together but still, its immature bullcrap.

 

Double standards do not work. If she has them, so should you. That is not how life works..why should she be able to do what she wants with who ever and you can't do the same?

 

Just go on and don't contact her at all. She will get mad upset whatever. When you see from her a text or email that says how much she is sorry and realized that she is wrong..then you can THINK about responding. But if you do, again don't hold hope and keep things short and simple.

[Exit]

Yup, I tell her all the time that her behaviors are double standards but she justifies them all and says no, her situation is "different", she lives with these guys so of course she has to be around them and spend time with them. I have no female roommates therefor there's no excuse for me to be around anyone else (her words).

 

Yup, this chick is crazy, finally started answering texts a few hours ago and we were really talking about issues finally and we had it all smoothed out. Then I told her that I was at my friend's garage working on my car and she flipped out that I didn't tell her I was going there. I told her "you broke up with me, told me to come get my things, and ignored me all day, at what point was I supposed to be updating you about what I'm doing?"

 

When the texting was going well she hinted that I should come over and I told her not tonight, my friend did me a big favor letting me use his garage and I'm not just going to ditch him. So now I'm single again lol! She's all bent out of shape saying I must be doing things behind her back on the days that we're fighting and not telling her about it. She says I probably run to other girls because I have the excuse "well I was single that day". Ironically she's the one that was on Facebook last night making a post "anyone up for hanging out?". Such a hypocrite!!!

 

At least I don't feel bad now. I felt terrible when she dumped me because of the trust issue. But we smoothed things out and now she's mad and "done with me" for an entirely different reason, and this time I don't feel bad about it. She claims that she's just mad that I didn't tell her where I was but I know she's really mad because I didn't come running to her house the second she decided to start being nice again. She chose to ditch me all weekend so I made her live with her decision and told her I was at my friends and then going home.

 

Now she's telling me to come get my stuff again and threatening that she's signing back up for the dating website where we met. Whatever. And she wonders why I don't have any faith or trust in her? She breaks up with me every five minutes and makes it clear that she'd be happy to move on and find someone else. Yeah, that'll make me feel secure about things.

 

Chances are her mood will swing back again and she'll want to make up again, or maybe she won't this time. Either way I am a little more comfortable with the thought of losing her than I was earlier today, because she has behaved absolutely ridiculous tonight. I can't believe we made up and then I got dumped 5 minutes later because I didn't tell her where I was going today while she was ignoring me!!!

 

Sigh... I know I should let this one go. Even if we got back together, how would trusting her be any easier after all this. Clearly she doesn't trust me because she's so freaked out that I went out today. Don't know why I cling to bad people, guess I think it's better than being alone.

 

The ONLY way things would have worked out tonight was if I dropped everything and ran over to see her the second she decided to make up with me. It's not that I didn't want to go but it was 10:30pm already and she has to go to bed and work tomorrow. I don't feel bad for sticking to my guns.... should I?

[DenverBachelor]

The biggest challenge for me was that she had male roommates who she has dated in the past and I would get jealous when she paid attention to them or wanted days to hang out with them.

 

Am I the only one that thought, "what in the hell is she doing living with MULTIPLE ex's?" That's classic and something I would avoid at all costs. I must be missing something here -- are we talking actual relationships with her roommates or just a Saturday night romp after bar hopping?

 

What the hell?

[Exit]

Am I the only one that thought, "what in the hell is she doing living with MULTIPLE ex's?" That's classic and something I would avoid at all costs. I must be missing something here -- are we talking actual relationships with her roommates or just a Saturday night romp after bar hopping?

 

What the hell?

 

I went into detail about the two guys above, but the thread has gotten a bit long so maybe you missed it. The one guy she dated for a very short period of time and then there was a tragedy in his family so at that point they decided to just stay good friends, and they are extremely close now.

 

The other guy she had a serious on-and-off five year relationship with to the point of getting engaged but swears that he lied too much and hurt her too much to ever want to go back. Since we have been dating this guy has still expressed his love for her and tried to touch her leg and stuff and my ex did nothing really to stop it except saying "i tell him that i don't want that from him, but I can't control how he acts". Eventually I confronted the guy one night and told him I didn't know any of this history when I met her, it's not like I stole her from him, and I deserve a fair shot with her and should be able to go to their house without feeling awkward or worried that someone else is hitting on her. He kinda denied that he did anything in the first place but he seemed okay with it after that.

 

I have a hard time figuring out which guy to worry about more. "Friend" gets a lot of attention and they're really close but their relationship ended a lot longer ago, "serious ex" she doesn't really get along with anymore so I try not to worry except that HE still wants her. I'm not sure who is more of a threat.

 

But yes, she is around multiple ex's all day.

[NopeNah]

She sounds insane. Get out now before this turns into another 1.5yrs waisted.

[someotherguy]

Don't worry about anything, just go get your stuff, block her number and move on. She's crazy and you dodged a bullet here.

[HLP234]

That is typical behavior my friends would tell me about my ex being nuts too.

She wanted a break, we went on the break and then when I went out with friends, if I did not tell her, she would argue with me.

 

They use you without them realizing they are doing that. And when you bring it up, they get upset of course. Just go NC and never reply to any of her texts. That is what I will do, even though she has never contacted me.

 

After all, I have realized that you can't fix a relationship when the other person is doing things like this. This type of behavior will continue with the next person she sees. Until she gets what she is doing is wrong and you don't know when that will happen, she will need to change for her own good as well as for others.

[Exit]

Thanks for the support everyone.

 

Last night ended with her still being mad about me not telling her that I went out with friends. Woke up this morning and I had no texts from her so I knew she was still mad. I texted her asking if she was still upset and tried explaining again that when I went to meet people yesterday she had dumped me and was ignoring me so why would I have told her what I was doing.

 

I did drive out there today while she was working and grabbed the few of my belongings that I needed (they were already on her front porch for a day or two since we had been fighting).

 

We texted a little today and she kept asking to be friends but I refused. I told her how the night before we had been doing a good job of discussing our issues and we came up with a plan to make each other happy (if she could be a little more affectionate, I'd be more trusting). I asked her why she changed her mind today and she didn't really have a good reason. She told me I might as well stop texting her since I don't want a friendship so I said "Ok, I don't want to lose you, but I want to work on this as a relationship, not a friendship. I have no choice if you want to be left alone so goodbye". She did at one point say that we could be friends and if things went well maybe we could give it another shot, but I didn't go for it. I think I did the right thing but maybe I should have just let it play out.

 

She sent me a few texts afterwards telling me I would be okay, giving me a *hug*, and then telling me she was sleepy and going to bed. I have not responded to any of those texts and I don't plan on talking to her unless she realizes the mistake she's making, hopefully my will-power will hold up.

 

I get attached to people so easily. This was a terrible relationship. I wanted to break up with her the night she threw something at me but I guess I don't respect myself enough that I was able to forgive her for that right away and sleep there the same night. I know she was crazy, hypocritical, and didn't want to make any effort to make this work. But that doesn't change the fact that this still hurts.

 

I know if I was able to survive that HORRIBLE breakup last year I can survive the end of a 2 month relationship, but I'm just at that stage where none of that makes me feel any better. I know I'm better off but I guess I would rather be with a miserable person than be alone. I wish I had more self respect I really should have ended this relationship before I was the one getting dumped yet again, but I didn't.

[HLP234]

I know what you feel like. When I was with my ex, waited for a while to be with her because she was dating someone else..I knew what person she was, and how insecure and even a little out there..but she was the one i was willing to be with.

 

I knew I wouldn't break up with her because of how great we were getting a long but I always had a feeling she would be up to something regarding her issues, and that she would leave me. Well, it happened and I like you had a chance to end it when she asked for the break, but I didn't because I was too nice and naive to notice what was going on.

 

Don't hope for anything with her, her texts saying maybe later is just so you can keep her in your thoughts. Some people can be friends with their ex's for some reason I can't and I'm sure you don't want that either because of how she has been.

 

When you invest a lot of effort and give yourself over to someone and they hurt you, you can't just pretend nothing ever happened and look at them as a friend as before. They showed you the real person they are, and being a friend now is a complete different ball game.

[Exit]

Yeah, I met her on a dating site, I was never looking for "Friends" in the first place and I have no interest in settling for that. She hardly gave me any attention or affection when I was her boyfriend so I can't imagine what friendship would be like lol.

 

I'm still hurting but not too bad. A few things are making me feel better. For one, for as mature as she claims to be, I can't believe I got dumped through text messages. Last I saw her was Thursday night and we've only been texting since then. We were together for two months and shared a pretty close connection and I wasn't worth an hour of her time to talk to me in person and end it.

 

She seemed like she really wanted to be friends but I denied her that. I feel like at some point during this first week I might be hearing from her. Maybe I won't, it's just a guess, she changes her mind a lot and has "Taken me back" before. If I make it a week without hearing from her I will know she is gone. If I get any "how are you" type of messages I'm not going to respond. The only thing that would matter to me at this point is if she realized she got mad at me for totally stupid reasons and that we should give this another shot.

 

Tonight after she told me to just completely leave her alone, and then me officially saying goodbye to her, she was the one who continued to text and told me she was heading to bed. So that's why I get the feeling that she'll contact me again, she was being all dramatic telling me to leave her alone and when I agreed she kept talking.

 

I'll be okay. I am sad and there are certain things about her that I am really going to miss and almost wants to make me contact her, but I have to remind myself of all the times that she hurt my feelings and wasn't giving me what I needed to feel fulfilled in this relationship either.

 

At the very least, I'm about to fall asleep in a few minutes, which means I can't be too heartbroken if I'm actually gonna be able to sleep tonight. I'm sure tomorrow I'll experience the morning withdrawals of waking up and remembering that she's gone, but I'll try to distract myself.

Edited January 19, 2010 by Exit