whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I don't take pot shots at her looks. She is obese. She does not wear flattering clothes. She is needy(MM's observation, not mine). These are facts, not me being a b*tch. I hate to break it to you but we all have faults..even the Ws! Yes, wives have faults too, marriages have issues - But that doesn't justify his choice in cheating on her. Another thing, you say 'fact' because your MM told you this. HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S NOT LYING to you as well? He's lying to his wife too.
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 FA - that quote is from the infidelity board. No the quote itself was a paraphrase of what she said about the cheating H being so much more intelligent and ambitious than the overweight wife who had the nerve to ask her H if he was cheating and then apparently not caring enough because her clothes aren't exactly right. I felt from her post she was belittling the wife without asking her side to see if this virtuous great guy was all that as a husband. Her posts to me were demeaning of the wife by saying that she didn't feel sorry or care about the wife because the wife didn't care. I found that to be extremely presumptuous without her actually asking the wife if she didn't care. OP never said those exact words, I did.
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I meant why you said it came from the Infidelity board, Bent. I was impercise with how I said it. You did say it but it was right on what what she wasn't saying. But you know what polks, it really must chap your butt that as pathetic as you think this woman is, she has him and he's not leaving. If there is anyone to be pitied here its you. You are still alone and you just don't know it. And btw, even obese I could walk into any bar or club and be hit on by many hot men. Obese doesn't make someone unattractive, but attitude sure as hell does. You have a sorry ass attitude. I think I better be done here because this poster brings out the worse in me. I've always tried to be kind, gentle and fair to everyone involved in these horrible triangles and I'm struggling here. This woman is a piece of work. I see why some BW are such witches on here...to them the OW is like her. CCL
Jeff1962 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I would not lower my standards either. You don't have to.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Well if your MM feels this way about you, then why doesn't he leave his W? Because he wants to be with his son. *shrug* Also, he has never put down his wife, he has never said anything but GOOD things about her. That she is very smart, has been a great mom, a good wife. He loves her, that doesn't mean he is in love with her... he didn;t set out to fall in love with me, it happened, we were friends, and it happened. I guess my point to you is that if she is SO HORRIBLE, then why is he there? You are holding yourself up as a mirror to her, as to what she should strive to be. Saying that you are so much better than she is, that she is something to be pitied... yet he choses her over you every time. My MM on the other hand, risks losing a family he LOVES for me, he risks hurting a woman he cares greatly for, yes, even loves. He risks losing his son in order to be with me. My MM risks things that are important to him when he gives me his time and love. Yours risks NOTHING for you, since he has nothing but crap at home anyway, right? yet he still choses to go home to crap, rather than leave for your gold-plated a$$! Imagine... Knowing that he risks nothing of value to him for you, and yet he still chooses that 'nothing of value' OVER you, you still feeling like you are so much better than his 'pitiful' wife?
pureinheart Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think it was Blueeyedjonesy...bad spelling BEJ....much better, that welcomed an individual and said that this forum is addicting, that it is like family....dysfunctional...lol I would say she was right and I am adding the dysfunctional...still..lol Like I've said before I have a BIG family, it would take a football stadium, baseball, whatever....we are the most dysfunctional family around...let's put it this way my daughters H mother has 50 grandchildren ....it's weird, we are all related some way, you know.... We fight, things get strained, but I tell you we all got each others back, we are all onery as hell...although one of us makes a phone call there will be more people there than one cares to deal with. Anyway, we had all been fighting and it took one of us to "go home", die, for us to pull our heads out and pull together again. None of this stuff is worth it, life really is short....we all make pot shots...we all mess up, we all have various moods, throw in those little "digs". We all operate from our experiences and emotions, say the wrong things, handle things the wrong way....whatever. We are all trying to build character and become better people, and I think it happens in this forum.... It has been pointed out in other threads concerning progress and that helped me see the progress in exMM/(maybe).... Anyway....At work I always got teased because I always had to throw that LOVE thing in there, in fact I was known for that....I love you guys and thank you whether I've liked what you had to say to me or not.... Thick skinned....lol....not really, I'm actually a sap....was lead"man"...lol for an all guy crew, 10 total...raised two kids on my own....no I don't have thick skin. ExMM/(sh8t or get off the pot) used to say a lot....hey we are all people just trying to get by the best way we can.... Should we chill on other people? Should we let them have their opinions? Should we let people freak if they need to? Should we let them vent in an improper way? Should we let them make mistakes? Should we let them be passionate about a particular issue even if it is offensive? What is the answer?
jwi71 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 This MM is a predator. And like most predators he preys on the weak. The wounded. Well, that's you Polks. Having perused this thread and your other one, you come across as vulnerable. Go back and re-read what you have written. Do you see the strong, sexy confident woman you say? Or someone else? I know us men get a bum rap for perception...but you'd be surprised at HOW perceptive we can be. Especially the predator MM type. Looking for the easy kill. And by this I mean weak and vulnerable...easily snowed. I do NOT wish to imply you are dumb, naive or anything of the sort. I want you to consider given your "position" that you are at a low point and vulnerable to such advances. So vulnerable, he had to more less directly tell you what he wanted. See what I'm getting at? And why would you blast your friends? These people LOVE you. They want the BEST for you. They tell you what you NEED to hear not necessarily what you WANT to hear. They WANT BETTER for YOU. They want you to RECLAIM your dignity. To walk held up high. To show off your man. Not slink in shadows. And everything you have said about the lack of good single men is UNTRUE. Tons of great, single, men with integrity. Who don't give a damn if you have kids and wear a size 10. You say "nothing but losers." Oddly enough, you have exactly that - a loser. You are so DESPERATE, you can't see it. You are so AFRAID, you ignore it. You are so LONELY, you accept it. Bad places to be. This doesn't get better. It only gets worse. I encourage you to go back and read your posts. Is that WHO and WHAT you are posting? Or is that WHERE you are posting? Do you LIKE that person? This A WILL change you in ways I doubt you like.
jennie-jennie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I haven't been over in infidelity since I had several BW tell me I didn't belong there due to my OW status... *shrug* I figured I would just stay away as my advice from the other side of the fence seemed to be taken about as well there as most BW advice is taken over here.. but I will hop on over and check it out.. back in a flash... Isn't that interesting? I was accused of trolling when I was posting there the other day. And I have been the BS for 30 years! And the OW only for 4. Is not 30 years enough to be accepted?
pureinheart Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Hey JW...the thing that cracks me up about men is one man can look at another man, and neither of them say ONE word, yet they can tell you EVERYTHING about the other man....that trips me out. What I have found out about most men, they say very little, but know much....and when they do talk, listen because you will learn something valuable. Ok....this is just "my" belief system....chain of command....God, man, woman, kids, job/country. While most women are nurturers, men are protecters and this is why I believe they have the higher insight in this area.....just my opinion.
pureinheart Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 (edited) Originally Posted by Fallen Angel I haven't been over in infidelity since I had several BW tell me I didn't belong there due to my OW status... *shrug* I figured I would just stay away as my advice from the other side of the fence seemed to be taken about as well there as most BW advice is taken over here.. but I will hop on over and check it out.. back in a flash... Isn't that interesting? I was accused of trolling when I was posting there the other day. And I have been the BS for 30 years! And the OW only for 4. Is not 30 years enough to be accepted? I can't remember ever posting in the infidelity forum, except to defend myself once....I was bored the other day and read through it and some try to be respectful, although there is a tone of hatred, sort of the "unspoken" hatred....JJ, there is just simply much hatred toward other women, some "say" that they are ok with it, that they have worked out the BS syndrome, but I see it, there are varying degrees of it....and I see much manipulation. The OW are much more respectful to the BS's in this forum, I mainly see them defending themselves really.... I am not understanding....there are confirmed OW that choose to stay OW, why is there this need to talk sense into them as if they do not really understand the situation. Some are sincere, yet once told their truth, what more can be said? It is obvious there will not be an agreement, so why be in this forum, it must be frustrating to them. Then there are replies that are the one liners, very dry and I wonder what the point is...just to stir the pot? There have been times in the past that I know BS's came to this forum only to "pay back" indirectly. Another thing is....speak against BS's in this forum and get canned...do it in the infidelity forum and get canned... Edited January 18, 2010 by pureinheart
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Isn't that interesting? I was accused of trolling when I was posting there the other day. And I have been the BS for 30 years! And the OW only for 4. Is not 30 years enough to be accepted? I know, I was BW for 15 years... but those years do not count after you spend five minutes as OW. A moment as OW negates all that has come before, and all that will come after, unless you crucify yourself and bleed in remorse for your time as OW, then, and only then will you ever be anything but OW again.
skywriter Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Hi polksaladannie! "Amen" on the friends that say you can do better. ....and thank you for those friends as well. Heaven knows I've bent their ears ever since I got into this A. Through the good, bad, and insanity of it all. Welcome to the land of confusion, polksaladannie. I'm with ya on there being slim pickings as far as SM. I was alone for five yrs, raising my two children when MM came into my life. Best wishes to you.
jennie-jennie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I know, I was BW for 15 years... but those years do not count after you spend five minutes as OW. A moment as OW negates all that has come before, and all that will come after, unless you crucify yourself and bleed in remorse for your time as OW, then, and only then will you ever be anything but OW again. I am curious to how I would have reacted to LS if I had come here during the painful years of being a BS. I do know it is my personality to research stuff that concerns me, read about it, find information, look at what might be the uncomfortable truth behind it. To question my own motives and consider if the opposite way of looking at things has any value to me. To speak my own truth even when nobody seems to agree with me. Maybe I learnt that during my years in Al-Anon. To look at myself and see what I could improve instead of focusing on the alcoholic. In Al-Anon you also learn that you can live a good life whether or not you choose to stay with the alcoholic. It is about you, not who you are or are not in a relationship with.
jennie-jennie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Polksaladannie, I hope you have not been scared away from LS, although I would not be surprised if you have considering the content of this thread (both from BS, reformed OW and currently active OW). Guys, a little gentler welcome might be appreciated if we don't want to scare every newcomer away from LS who is not already at the verge of leaving the EMR.
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 What will be the operational definition of gentler and what will be the degree of that working definition? Who will get to decide the definition? Since we all have differing standards on most things (including being gentle) who's standard should we use and why? As I considered what I said my version of gentle.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Because he wants to be with his son. *shrug* Also, he has never put down his wife, he has never said anything but GOOD things about her. That she is very smart, has been a great mom, a good wife. He loves her, that doesn't mean he is in love with her... he didn;t set out to fall in love with me, it happened, we were friends, and it happened. I guess my point to you is that if she is SO HORRIBLE, then why is he there? You are holding yourself up as a mirror to her, as to what she should strive to be. Saying that you are so much better than she is, that she is something to be pitied... yet he choses her over you every time. My MM on the other hand, risks losing a family he LOVES for me, he risks hurting a woman he cares greatly for, yes, even loves. He risks losing his son in order to be with me. My MM risks things that are important to him when he gives me his time and love. Yours risks NOTHING for you, since he has nothing but crap at home anyway, right? yet he still choses to go home to crap, rather than leave for your gold-plated a$$! Imagine... Knowing that he risks nothing of value to him for you, and yet he still chooses that 'nothing of value' OVER you, you still feeling like you are so much better than his 'pitiful' wife? Honestly, though, FA, is your MM was truly in love with you, he would want a full life with you, not just an EMA. People leave marriages everyday. Spouses and kids survive divorce. I am not picking on you, just trying to show you that your MM is no better than mine. My feelings about the BW in my case are justified for reasons that I do not care to go into. Are all BWs like the one in my case? No. Are all OW b*tches? No. Is it fun to be the OW? Hell to the no! Is it lonely, exhausting, depressing and frustrating to be a single mom just trying to survive? Yes.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 But you know what polks, it really must chap your butt that as pathetic as you think this woman is, she has him and he's not leaving. CCL All she has is a husband who is unhappy with her and their marriage. I am not not envious of that.
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 All she has is a husband who is unhappy with her and their marriage. I am not not envious of that. I don't think she meant the h or the marriage.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Honestly, though, FA, is your MM was truly in love with you, he would want a full life with you, not just an EMA. People leave marriages everyday. Spouses and kids survive divorce. I am not picking on you, just trying to show you that your MM is no better than mine. My feelings about the BW in my case are justified for reasons that I do not care to go into. Are all BWs like the one in my case? No. Are all OW b*tches? No. Is it fun to be the OW? Hell to the no! Is it lonely, exhausting, depressing and frustrating to be a single mom just trying to survive? Yes. I never said My MM is better than yours, i never said that I am better than you.. I was just trying to make the point that YOU are no "better" than his wife... it is not a compettion with points being scored for beauty, feminity etc etc.. the woman you speak so poorly about is someone he is not willing to leave for you... how can you see yourself as "better"?
NoIDidn't Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 All she has is a husband who is unhappy with her and their marriage. I am not not envious of that. I don't like jumping into the fray, but I wanted to respond to this. She has so much more than a H that is unhappy with her and their marriage. She likely has his familial and financial support. She gets the security of knowing where he sleeps most nights. She has his extended family. She has the light of day. I don't say this to be hurtful, but that is what was meant by "what she has". She has what you don't. She is not alone. She is not lowering her standards knowingly - not that she is ever in control of what her H does or doesn't do. I haven't read the Infidelity thread. How long has this affair been going on?
greengoddess Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Yea the mods deleted the post from jennie-jennie on the infidelity board. It would have been better for jennie-jennie if the words remained. Something for her to look back on and cringe with embarrassment that that was once her life and her attitude. They may have been very hurtful to some new bs but it really showed the attitude of the OW and what she will put up with. "excuse me honey, let me put my pants back on and go in the hall and check in with my wife and then we'll have dinner." Sad, pitifully sad.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I don't like jumping into the fray, but I wanted to respond to this. She has so much more than a H that is unhappy with her and their marriage. She likely has his familial and financial support. She gets the security of knowing where he sleeps most nights. She has his extended family. She has the light of day. I don't say this to be hurtful, but that is what was meant by "what she has". She has what you don't. She is not alone. She is not lowering her standards knowingly - not that she is ever in control of what her H does or doesn't do. I haven't read the Infidelity thread. How long has this affair been going on? Three years. Again, I did not post my OP because I was looking for someone to tell me how wrong I am for being in an EMA. Um, tell me something I have not heard before. In one hand I have a friend and lover who, despite being married and having obligations to his family,cares about me. In the other hand, I have nothing. Now when the empty hand has something(like a good man who is free and interested in me) to balance the situation out, I might connect with what some of you are saying. Until then, as I said before, I am ok with the status quo. The OP was a vent about the people out there who tell me to give MM up but who also go home every night to their loving husbands. Sorry, don't tell me to live alone and be unhappy unless you are in the same boat.
greengoddess Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 The OP was a vent about the people out there who tell me to give MM up but who also go home every night to their loving husbands. Sorry, don't tell me to live alone and be unhappy unless you are in the same boat. They tell you because they love you. they want you to be happy not stuck in a dead end relationship missing out on a possible really good guy in your future because you have blinders on because of your relationship with a mm. They don't do it becausee they want you to have no one and be lonely. They want you to have a chance at a real future not this forever hiding limbo state you are in. I wish you could see that. You are hurting yourself and your friends see it.
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 So your happiness comes from someone else. I am not unhappy and I live alone. I am sure there are other people feel the same way that you do, no doubt. I don't understand needing another person to be happy.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 They tell you because they love you. they want you to be happy not stuck in a dead end relationship missing out on a possible really good guy in your future because you have blinders on because of your relationship with a mm. They don't do it becausee they want you to have no one and be lonely. They want you to have a chance at a real future not this forever hiding limbo state you are in. I wish you could see that. You are hurting yourself and your friends see it. Oh, I know that they care. They just can't empathize.
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