whichwayisup Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Haven't read this whole thread yet, just the opening post.. All I can say is, there are HUNDREDS of single guys, good ones ARE out there. Being with a MM by choice because you feel 'that's all that's left' is (sorry) a really sad outlook. You ARE lowering yourself to a certain standard and settling to be second fiddle. You have no idea what damage this is going to do to you in the long run. Being with a MM to fulfill your loneliness, to make you feel attractive, alive and desired, will eventually mess you up and give you a rollercoaster ride you wish you never went on. good luck, but I think by choosing to purposely date MM, get involved or whatever is only going to make you feel even MORE lonelier and alone.
jennie-jennie Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Hi, Polksaladannie! Lots of betrayed spouses and reformed other women in this thread I see. They usually try pretty strongly to persuade newcomers to see things their way. They will lay off after a while. Talking for myself, I know why I NEED a man. It is boring to have sex without one! :bunny: I too find that the quality of my MM way outweighs that of the other men available to me. My MM enhances my life just like you said. So what if he is married - I enjoy my life more with him in it. There is always some flaw with every man - this one's is that he is married. Which means that he is a great guy in every other way. :love:
Fallen Angel Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Well, I am not stupid enough to have this MM even meet my children. They don't even know he exists. As far as the W in my situation is concerned, I have no feelings for her. I did not make a vow to her; he did. It is up to him to communicate to her what he needs, not me. Again, you have someone. So don't sit there and tell me how horrible my choices are. HMMM.. I will say that I find this comment a bit offensive. My MM knows my children, and interacts with them regularly. They are very close. Why is your MM good enough for you to F*ck, but not good enough to meet your kids? I am confused, but then, my relationship with My MM goes so far beyond being about sex, that I really do not understand affairs that are purely sexual. But i have never understood any relationship that is just purely sexual, because it is not in my nature to just throw it around like that.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Hi, Polksaladannie! Lots of betrayed spouses and reformed other women in this thread I see. They usually try pretty strongly to persuade newcomers to see things their way. They will lay off after a while. Talking for myself, I know why I NEED a man. It is boring to have sex without one! :bunny: I too find that the quality of my MM way outweighs that of the other men available to me. My MM enhances my life just like you said. So what if he is married - I enjoy my life more with him in it. There is always some flaw with every man - this one's is that he is married. Which means that he is a great guy in every other way. :love: LOL...soooo true. Like I said, I am not jumping for joy about being with a MM. Someone commented that there are plenty of single guys out there...hmm, yeah, and they are mostly undesirable losers.
jennie-jennie Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 You ARE lowering yourself to a certain standard and settling to be second fiddle. I never understood that talk about "second fiddle". Second to who? I am not competiting with anyone.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 HMMM.. I will say that I find this comment a bit offensive. My MM knows my children, and interacts with them regularly. They are very close. Why is your MM good enough for you to F*ck, but not good enough to meet your kids? I am confused, but then, my relationship with My MM goes so far beyond being about sex, that I really do not understand affairs that are purely sexual. But i have never understood any relationship that is just purely sexual, because it is not in my nature to just throw it around like that. The comment I made was in response to a reformed OW who had mentioned regret over the fact that she woven her MM into the lives of her children. Obviously, FA, you are in a longterm EMA and feel comfortable with weaving your MM into your kids' lives. In time, I might as well, as the relationship I have with MM goes beyond sex, too. However, my older DD is quite the talker and would be pressing me as to why MM is not around more. That is not a conversation I desire to have with an 8 year old:)
Author polksaladannie Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 I never understood that talk about "second fiddle". Second to who? I am not competiting with anyone. I agree. MM and his W have their relationship and MM and I have our relationship. Everyone is happy.
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 LADIES!!! There really is no reason for the nastiness!!! Fooled has just as much right to her opinion as anyone else!!! Why do you find the need to call her names (bitter) or tell her she doesn't belong here. She has been where we are, she just sees things from a different perpective now. From the otherside of the tunnel. It is like a mother seeing her child doing something that she knows can get them hurt, she is trying to teach us with her words, her experience. We are refusing to listen, we want to learn our lessons the hard way... fine! I am all about learning my the hard way too, but we do not have to be nasty to someone who is hoping we will learn from their mistakes, instead of taking our lumps. If you want to be treated kindly, offer kindness. If you want to be treated respectfully, respect others. We are not children, we do not need to name call, and try to hurt other people, to boost our own egos. PLEASE!!!! **climbs down from her soap box** Carry On.....
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think polks here is struggling to be as blase as she is trying to come across. I think given her negative posting about the W she is trying to justify her actions even more then the whole "I don't want to be alone" whine. I think the Ws here are reacting to that more then the actual OWness of your posts, polks. I know it was like hearing nails on a chalk board in my point of view. You are not comfortalbe with your roll as OW. You are trying to blame everyone else for your position. I think that's one of the reasons why I can respect Jennie, FA, and all the other OW who post on here regularly. They accept they make the choices, even when its hard and sad and stressing. I've not heard anything negative about the W from any of them. I think being negative about the W is an attempt to try and alleviate guilt felt over it. This is the feeling I get from your tone in your posting, Polks, whether you mean to come across that way or not. And I'm not an overly sensitive W. I know I had a part in my H's affair, and I know my H's weakness had a part of it, and I know the OW had a part in it. No one gets a free pass there. However, even wanting to keep my H, I'm not wearing more making up more often. Screw that, he married me knowing I wasn't a makeup wearer and he'll have to deal with my mostly non makeup wearing face. So don't assume because his W hasn't started wearing make up (something you said elsewhere about her in justifying what you were doing) must mean she doesn't want him back. Maybe she's never really worn it. All that aside, welcome to the board, get a pair of fireproof panties, because if you keep posting like this, you will need them. CCL
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think polks here is struggling to be as blase as she is trying to come across. I think given her negative posting about the W she is trying to justify her actions even more then the whole "I don't want to be alone" whine. I think the Ws here are reacting to that more then the actual OWness of your posts, polks. I know it was like hearing nails on a chalk board in my point of view. You are not comfortalbe with your roll as OW. You are trying to blame everyone else for your position. I think that's one of the reasons why I can respect Jennie, FA, and all the other OW who post on here regularly. They accept they make the choices, even when its hard and sad and stressing. I've not heard anything negative about the W from any of them. I think being negative about the W is an attempt to try and alleviate guilt felt over it. This is the feeling I get from your tone in your posting, Polks, whether you mean to come across that way or not. And I'm not an overly sensitive W. I know I had a part in my H's affair, and I know my H's weakness had a part of it, and I know the OW had a part in it. No one gets a free pass there. However, even wanting to keep my H, I'm not wearing more making up more often. Screw that, he married me knowing I wasn't a makeup wearer and he'll have to deal with my mostly non makeup wearing face. So don't assume because his W hasn't started wearing make up (something you said elsewhere about her in justifying what you were doing) must mean she doesn't want him back. Maybe she's never really worn it. All that aside, welcome to the board, get a pair of fireproof panties, because if you keep posting like this, you will need them. CCL Oh lordy!!! You mean i should be wearing make-up and sexy clothes in order to keep My MM?? Well hell, I have been going about it all wrong as he most often sees me with my hair thrown up in a ponytail or a messy bun, little or no make-up, my sweats or his favorite flannel jammie pants (that i stole fair and square from him) and a sturgis tshirt and sometimes with legs I haven't bothered to shave in two or three days!!! And he has stuck it out with my needy behind for three years?? What is wrong with that man???
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? Well let's just say, the way you view yourself is the way others view you too. All you listed were some dumb azz superficial reasons for being with a MM. You are older...so what. Many of us are and we get better with age. Yes, I am older, I have baggage(of the magnitude you couldn't imagine) and who doesn't have a past. You have chidlren, so do I. You are how you feel. Beauty comes from the inside out. This post explains the nasty things you said about his W. You don't esteem yourself and putting her down makes you feel better. "I am not as hot as I used to be, but at least I am hotter than his fat stupid wife" This is not a good way to look at others and certainly not a good way to see yourself. There are men and women here not just in their 40's, but 50's who don't feel like they can't hold there own with any age group with any baggage. I just went back to read the WHOLE thread.. did i miss something? did something get deleted? Cause i never saw the quote being used here,, I am so confused... why are you so mean to the blonde girl who gets confused so easily anyway?? UGH.. gonna read it all again, and see if I can find it.... *sigh*
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 FA - that quote is from the infidelity board.
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 FA - that quote is from the infidelity board. And ftr, that quote did not come from me!
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I haven't been over in infidelity since I had several BW tell me I didn't belong there due to my OW status... *shrug* I figured I would just stay away as my advice from the other side of the fence seemed to be taken about as well there as most BW advice is taken over here.. but I will hop on over and check it out.. back in a flash...
crazycatlady Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Not the exact words, no, but the gist most certainly did. You commented on her weight, her looks, her clothing style, personality, the fact he stays with her for pity. And I'm going with bent on this, you feel what she said, whether you wish to face it or not. One thing I'm always discussing with the kids I work with (girls are really bad about this) just because you don't come right out and say something, how you say things can be the exact same thing and hurt just as bad (remember i'm talking to kids when saying that, so here they are talking to the other person or where it could get back to them not saying you personally are out to hurt the W, just try and make yourself feel better about what you are doing.) CCL
Fallen Angel Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 To answer the OP's question....I have been with a MM for nearly three years and he has been clear that he will not leave his W. I respect that. She does not strike me as a person who could easily fall into another relationship and I don't think MM wants to destroy her. Anyway, about a year ago she asked my MM "Are you having an affair?" Of course he said "No". Now we all know that when you ask a question like that, you already know the answer deep down inside. Did this prompt her to lose some of the 150 lbs she has gained during the marriage or put some makeup on? Did it prompt her to put on a nice outfit instead of the same old tired sweats she always wears? No,it didn't. This is why I have no sympathy for her. Here she has a guy who is smart, handsome, has a great job and tons of ambition, who stays with her out of pity and she knows deep down that he is cheating, and she obviously does not care. If she does not care, why should I? Wow, okay, so I found the post they are referring to, and yeah, I would have to say you are slamming the wife pretty hard here. I can see where some people might be promted by that to be less than kind... I guess my thing is, that if your MM is so shallow that ANY of the things you mentioned have any bearing on why he is stepping out on his wife, then you are in a world of hurt if he ever does become YOURS... A man who would cheat on his wife because she put on some weight or wears sweats, rather than being a beauty queen all the time has issues that run far deeper than an affair with you will heal. If he cheats on her for those reasons you can bet your a$$ he will eventually throw you over for someone younger, prettier, with less "baggage". You said yourself that you were not able to go into the clubs anymore and walk out with your choice of any man in the room, so what happens to you when someone who can do that sets their sights on your MM? Ya know, I sometimes learn from these boards to be even MORE grateful for MY MM.. he LOVES ME. ME. ALL OF ME. The extra pounds I have put on since the beginning of our relationship have not changed the hunger in his eyes when he looks at me. The fact that I wear my librarian glasses rather than my contacts most days, doesn't stop him from strutting into a restraunt with me on his arm like he is escorting the newest Miss America. The fact that I still get hormonal break outs EVERY FREAKING MONTH, has never stopped him from telling me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known. And if he is that superficial, and his cheating is all her fault for letting herself go, why doesn't he just divorce her, and trade "up" to you? What keeps him in a marriage with this to use your term "pitiful" woman?
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Ya know, I sometimes learn from these boards to be even MORE grateful for MY MM.. he LOVES ME. ME. ALL OF ME. The extra pounds I have put on since the beginning of our relationship have not changed the hunger in his eyes when he looks at me. The fact that I wear my librarian glasses rather than my contacts most days, doesn't stop him from strutting into a restraunt with me on his arm like he is escorting the newest Miss America. The fact that I still get hormonal break outs EVERY FREAKING MONTH, has never stopped him from telling me I am the most beautiful woman he has ever known. QUOTE] Well if your MM feels this way about you, then why doesn't he leave his W?
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I can see where some people might be promted by that to be less than kind... I guess my thing is, that if your MM is so shallow that ANY of the things you mentioned have any bearing on why he is stepping out on his wife, then you are in a world of hurt if he ever does become YOURS... I'll just add this, since he said vows to his wife, had children with her, built a life with her and STILL is able to cheat, lie and betray her, say awful things about her, protray her in a bad way, enough that you feel you are better than her, then yeah, you ARE in a world of pain..Sooner than you realize. You don't think he's capable of turning on you? Throwing you under the bus? DO you know HOW MANY OW/OM who say their MM or MW would never ever betray them, throw them under the bus?? And sadly, it DOES happen. Go read some older threads, stampdaddy, is one that comes to mind. Confusedagain is another... He has no respect and as cliche as this sounds, what goes around, comes around.. You wait till you have your D-Day and she (his wife) finds out. See how quickly he changes his tune, defends her and their marriage, ends the A with you - Yet, at the same time, he'll still break NC to feed his ego. If you don't believe me, ask the OW on here. They've been through hell and back. Please, start hearing what both OW and BS are saying. It honestly doesn't matter who is giving you the advice, BS or OW, the women and men on here CARE and that is why they are replying. Some comes across as harsh, but it isn't "rude". It's just plain honest.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Well if your MM feels this way about you, then why doesn't he leave his W? Why would a MM or even a MW leave their marriage when life is good? Needs being met by two people, AP and spouse.. Got it made in the shade!! MM has a house to live, a family life, all the good stuff a marriage can provide, extended family, family, friends... Then have someone on the side to bring MORE into his life? Ofcourse most MM won't choose..why should they when they have it all?
Author polksaladannie Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I actually think she knows he is having an affair.
awkward Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I get that it is hard finding someone out there. I have single friends that find it really difficult to find a nice, attractive, honest guy who isn't married or has some type of personality problem. But, don't give up. Try other places to meet them. The right guy might be around the corner. Your friends mean well. I think Norajane gave you some good advice when it comes to your friends. They love you and want you to find true happiness. They probably don't know they are hurting you. Try not to get all roped in with your MM. If you do, most likely you will be putting off true happiness for a long time to come. Some of the pain I have read on here is excruciating.
whichwayisup Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I actually think she knows he is having an affair. why do you think she knows? Also IF she does suspect, trust me, he's doing everything possible to DENY it and make it seem like it's all in her head. That's called gaslighting. Remember, if he can do this to her, he will do it to you as well. Don't fool yourself into believing he won't ever lie or bend the truth, to you..
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Well, in case you have not noticed, this is a support forum for OW. Hello??!!!!! Seriously, why are you even here? And sure, there are other available men who are interested...like the 50 year old pipefitter who considers going to a Nascar race to be high living...or the 5'2" guy who weighs 300lbs and considers a career achievement to be managing the local BK....they are available for a reason...they are undesirable! Sorry but I am not going to dumb down and just take whatever I can get I don't take pot shots at her looks. She is obese. She does not wear flattering clothes. She is needy(MM's observation, not mine). These are facts, not me being a b*tch. I hate to break it to you but we all have faults..even the Ws! I do think that he loves her because he feels sorry for her and does not want to destroy her. That to me is very different from a romantic and intellectual love.I don't want him to destroy her by leaving either. I don't want that on my conscience. I'm happy with the status quo and so is MM. Really?
bentnotbroken Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 fooled you are a bit bitter aren't you Cha-ching another dollar for that bitter word:laugh:
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