Well meaning friends

[pureinheart]

Can I get an amen from any of you out there who have well meaning friends. You know, the ones who constantly point out that you "could do better than a married man" or that you "deserve better".

 

As a 30something divorced mother, the pickings seem to be pretty slim. Most men in my age group are a)married or b)looking for younger women with whom they can start a family. I have tried POF and Match and the men that have approached me are not even close to what I want. And, sorry, I don't feel the need to lower my standards just because I have "baggage and should be happy for whatever I can get".

 

So to my well meaning-and all happily married friends-I say (with love) STFU and let me enjoy my happiness with a MM..unless you know of a nice, smart, good looking(to me) guy who wants to take a chance on an attractive, hardworking single mother:)

 

Last I hear and knew, this was the OM/OW forum?......

 

Anyway, welcome to the forum and just out of curiosity, did this MM chase you?

[bentnotbroken]

And God bless us everyone, right?

 

 

He does daily in ways we never even think of.

[Hazyhead]

All those well-meaning friends love you (you are not unloved!). And they want to see you with someone worthy of you. They're not seeing that with this guy, so they speak up in case you yourself don't believe you deserve better than this.

 

If you want them to stop, tell them you appreciate that they love you and it means a lot to you, but your loneliness isn't allowing you to step back from MM and be on your own until someone better comes along. Ask them to help you find someone, and if they can't ask them to stop bringing it up because their comments make you more sad than anything else.

 

They'll take that to heart better than yelling at them to STFU, and will understand you better. They want to be kind, but they don't know your fears and frustrations.

 

Excellent advice. Concern and love for you leads them to worry about your relationship with him. They don't want you to get hurt.

[polksaladannie]

All those well-meaning friends love you (you are not unloved!). And they want to see you with someone worthy of you. They're not seeing that with this guy, so they speak up in case you yourself don't believe you deserve better than this.

 

If you want them to stop, tell them you appreciate that they love you and it means a lot to you, but your loneliness isn't allowing you to step back from MM and be on your own until someone better comes along. Ask them to help you find someone, and if they can't ask them to stop bringing it up because their comments make you more sad than anything else.

 

They'll take that to heart better than yelling at them to STFU, and will understand you better. They want to be kind, but they don't know your fears and frustrations.

I know that they care and I know that, again, they mean well. It is just tough to hear those pat, glib responses from these people who then turn to their lives with a loving husband.

[bentnotbroken]

Last I hear and knew, this was the OM/OW forum?......

 

Anyway, welcome to the forum and just out of curiosity, did this MM chase you?

 

 

I believe she posted that he chased her.

[polksaladannie]

Last I hear and knew, this was the OM/OW forum?......

 

Anyway, welcome to the forum and just out of curiosity, did this MM chase you?

 

Very much so. He pursued very hard....in fact, I was such a space cadet, I did not even figure it out until he told me precisely what he wanted!

[norajane]

I know that they care and I know that, again, they mean well. It is just tough to hear those pat, glib responses from these people who then turn to their lives with a loving husband.

 

That's why I'm suggesting you be very clear with them about how their comments make you feel. If they don't understand that, they won't stop making them.

 

And again, ask them (and their loving husbands) to help you find someone you can be with for real. Tell them that would be more helpful than their comments.

[polksaladannie]

That's why I'm suggesting you be very clear with them about how their comments make you feel. If they don't understand that, they won't stop making them.

 

And again, ask them (and their loving husbands) to help you find someone you can be with for real. Tell them that would be more helpful than their comments.

 

I actually have and they don't have anyone in their circle of friends who is available.

[pureinheart]

Very much so. He pursued very hard....in fact, I was such a space cadet, I did not even figure it out until he told me precisely what he wanted!

 

Ya, I hear ya....and understand completely. It's not easy being in your situation....they can be relentless...lol

[polksaladannie]

Ya, I hear ya....and understand completely. It's not easy being in your situation....they can be relentless...lol

 

Even today MM and I laugh about that.

[Holding-On]

I actually have and they don't have anyone in their circle of friends who is available.

 

If being with him is not interfering with your continuing to look for someone compatible with you and your growth as a human being, then, yes, I do understand your reasons.

 

Personally, If I could magically make myself sexually turned on to the vast majority of men available and suitable for me (I'm in an open marriage) that would be bloody fantastic. I understand you when you say that it doesn't work that way. It doesn't.

 

Hugs to you.

PS IMO: This isn't really a support forum for OW/OM despite the title. However it is a good place for debate and thought provoking commentary - so WELCOME!

Have you also gone to TOW (the other woman aka gloryb.com??)

[polksaladannie]

If being with him is not interfering with your continuing to look for someone compatible with you and your growth as a human being, then, yes, I do understand your reasons.

 

Personally, If I could magically make myself sexually turned on to the vast majority of men available and suitable for me (I'm in an open marriage) that would be bloody fantastic. I understand you when you say that it doesn't work that way. It doesn't.

 

Hugs to you.

PS IMO: This isn't really a support forum for OW/OM despite the title. However it is a good place for debate and thought provoking commentary - so WELCOME!

Have you also gone to TOW (the other woman aka gloryb.com??)

 

Thanks for the welcome. I mean, I am not proud to be with a MM. I don't feel good about that. Am I sorry? Sometimes. I am sure that his W is a good person. I don't believe she puts forth a lot of effort in her personal appearance. I think that if she did, MM might be more inclined not to stray. So that is why I do not feel too sorry all of the time. I believe that you have to feed a marriage and, at times, fight for it.

[fooled once]

Hopefully my girls will not settle in marriage(as I did) only to find themselves alone and divorced with very little prospects for a good man.

 

I know plenty of married men who do not cheat who are not honorable, do not have dignity, are dishonest,etc.

 

My MM came to me. He pursued me. Hard. Had he been happy in his marriage, he would not have done that.

Again, I would love it if a great guy popped down from the heavens but I don't see it happening. Does this mean I should be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life?

 

This is the oldest excuse in the book.

 

Just so you know, I was a 30something divorced mother and believe it or not, I found a wonderful divorced father of two. I didn't have to lower my standards.

 

My standards are I want an honest, trustworthy, devoted to me man; not someone elses husband.

 

Why do you NEED to be with a man? Can't you be happy on your own? Maybe some counseling will help you with your issues of self worth and needing a man in your life.

 

It is when you least expect it that it happens.

[greengoddess]

Thanks for the welcome. I mean, I am not proud to be with a MM. I don't feel good about that. Am I sorry? Sometimes. I am sure that his W is a good person. I don't believe she puts forth a lot of effort in her personal appearance. I think that if she did, MM might be more inclined not to stray. So that is why I do not feel too sorry all of the time. I believe that you have to feed a marriage and, at times, fight for it.

 

so you believe he is only with you because his wife isn't beautiful? That's sad. Don't you think you are worth more than being his pretty package? You make him sound very shallow too.

 

I think you feel the need to blame his wife to alleviate your guilt.

[fooled once]

I know that they care and I know that, again, they mean well. It is just tough to hear those pat, glib responses from these people who then turn to their lives with a loving husband.

 

And after getting what he wants from you, the MM you are with goes home to his wife.

 

So you are still alone.

 

I really feel for you. I was 'alone' for years also. I was also when I lowered MY standards and was in a relationship with someone who broke me and lied to me (the affair I was in).

 

MOST affairs are dead ends; just like the one you are in.

 

Love yourself more than allowing yourself to lower your standards.

 

There ARE men out there who are single or divorced who can give you what you want. But you have to be open to finding them.

 

Sometimes, you have to kiss alot of frogs to find your prince.

[Fallen Angel]

Can I get an amen from any of you out there who have well meaning friends. You know, the ones who constantly point out that you "could do better than a married man" or that you "deserve better".

 

As a 30something divorced mother, the pickings seem to be pretty slim. Most men in my age group are a)married or b)looking for younger women with whom they can start a family. I have tried POF and Match and the men that have approached me are not even close to what I want. And, sorry, I don't feel the need to lower my standards just because I have "baggage and should be happy for whatever I can get".

 

So to my well meaning-and all happily married friends-I say (with love) STFU and let me enjoy my happiness with a MM..unless you know of a nice, smart, good looking(to me) guy who wants to take a chance on an attractive, hardworking single mother:)

 

I have not read ONE single response to you in this thread, just your post, and I say AMEN SISTA!!!!

 

I have a friend that does that to me all the time, during my relationship with My MM, she has been involved with a man who beat her, one who cheated on her, one that tried to get her to accept his girlfriend (that he had failed to mention) as a third party in their sex life *the girlfriend was willing*, and one who stole her pictures and posted her (made profiles as her) on about twenty sex sites, giving out all her true life personal details and saying that she wanted S&M and needed at least three men at all times to be sexually satified, all because she didn't want to go out on more dates with him .... I think I will keep my sane, loving, tender, considerate MM.. thanks anyway..

[pureinheart]

Right on FA.....((((((((((((((p)))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[polksaladannie]

so you believe he is only with you because his wife isn't beautiful? That's sad. Don't you think you are worth more than being his pretty package? You make him sound very shallow too.

 

I think you feel the need to blame his wife to alleviate your guilt.

 

Not necessarily. I think that he likes my personality as well. We get along together like old friends do and have a very passionate aspect to our relationship as well.

 

I am not blaming his wife for his indiscretion, but I do feel that she does not put forth a lot of effort when it comes to keeping him interested.

[polksaladannie]

This is the oldest excuse in the book.

 

Just so you know, I was a 30something divorced mother and believe it or not, I found a wonderful divorced father of two. I didn't have to lower my standards.

 

My standards are I want an honest, trustworthy, devoted to me man; not someone elses husband.

 

Why do you NEED to be with a man? Can't you be happy on your own? Maybe some counseling will help you with your issues of self worth and needing a man in your life.

 

It is when you least expect it that it happens.

 

So says the person who has someone.

[fooled once]

Yep... my point was I have BEEN where you are. I was in a dead end affair, I lowered MY personal standards, I subjected my child to this liar, I allowed my child to think this man would be in our lives for a long time.

 

I was wrong.

 

I finally realized even if I had to be alone, being alone was better than being in a deceitful relationship.

 

I wanted my OWN man, I didn't want to share. And I would rather be single than continue an affair.

 

Does this guy do anything to make his WIFE feel loved, appreciated, etc.? You seem to blame her for HIM CHOOSING to have an affair. That is totally unfair. But it is also a way for you to justify what you are doing.

 

If you feel she isn't doing enough -- tell her you are screwing her husband. Give her the information you have regarding how she doesn't keep herself (In YOUR opinion) appealing enough to keep her husband interested.

 

Why can't you just accept that many be is a jerk who instead of WORKING on the issues in his marriage and talking with his wife, took the easy way out and went out and found some sex on the side? Coward that he is; maybe that is the only way he knows how to deal with issues. Guess you better always look pretty because if you don't, he will go on and find someone younger and hotter.

[polksaladannie]

Yep... my point was I have BEEN where you are. I was in a dead end affair, I lowered MY personal standards, I subjected my child to this liar, I allowed my child to think this man would be in our lives for a long time.

 

I was wrong.

 

I finally realized even if I had to be alone, being alone was better than being in a deceitful relationship.

 

I wanted my OWN man, I didn't want to share. And I would rather be single than continue an affair.

 

Does this guy do anything to make his WIFE feel loved, appreciated, etc.? You seem to blame her for HIM CHOOSING to have an affair. That is totally unfair. But it is also a way for you to justify what you are doing.

 

If you feel she isn't doing enough -- tell her you are screwing her husband. Give her the information you have regarding how she doesn't keep herself (In YOUR opinion) appealing enough to keep her husband interested.

 

Why can't you just accept that many be is a jerk who instead of WORKING on the issues in his marriage and talking with his wife, took the easy way out and went out and found some sex on the side? Coward that he is; maybe that is the only way he knows how to deal with issues. Guess you better always look pretty because if you don't, he will go on and find someone younger and hotter.

 

Well, I am not stupid enough to have this MM even meet my children. They don't even know he exists.

 

As far as the W in my situation is concerned, I have no feelings for her. I did not make a vow to her; he did. It is up to him to communicate to her what he needs, not me.

 

Again, you have someone. So don't sit there and tell me how horrible my choices are.

[polksaladannie]

 

Why can't you just accept that many be is a jerk who instead of WORKING on the issues in his marriage and talking with his wife, took the easy way out and went out and found some sex on the side? .

 

I beg to differ. If it was just "sex" he seems to be putting forth a lot of effort,money,time for something that he could just get from a hooker for a lot less hassle.

[fooled once]

Well, I am not stupid enough to have this MM even meet my children. They don't even know he exists.

 

As far as the W in my situation is concerned, I have no feelings for her. I did not make a vow to her; he did. It is up to him to communicate to her what he needs, not me.

 

Again, you have someone. So don't sit there and tell me how horrible my choices are.

 

I never said your choices were horrible, that is what you must be thinking deep down.

 

But don't expect me to high five you for sleeping with someone else's husband.

 

The whole "I didn't make vows to her" comment is hysterical because it is typical OW speak. You didn't make vows to her, he did. And he has chosen her not you. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would be. Instead, he stays with his wife, which you hate, which is why you take pot shots at her looks.

 

but he must think she is pretty enough because he goes home to her, shares a life with her and married her.

 

But I'm done here. You are very defensive and I get that. I was that way too many years ago, no one could tell me that having an affair was wrong. Like you, being with him was better than being alone.

 

I am glad I came to my senses and maybe you will too. That is up to you. I can't believe where you live there are NO OTHER available men who would accept you and your children into his life. Doesn't matter anyway because you are too invested in a man who is already invested with someone else and you are content with life the way it is.

 

I think your friends are well meaning and just want you happy. Those are good friends.

[polksaladannie]

I never said your choices were horrible, that is what you must be thinking deep down.

 

But don't expect me to high five you for sleeping with someone else's husband.

 

The whole "I didn't make vows to her" comment is hysterical because it is typical OW speak. You didn't make vows to her, he did. And he has chosen her not you. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, he would be. Instead, he stays with his wife, which you hate, which is why you take pot shots at her looks.

 

but he must think she is pretty enough because he goes home to her, shares a life with her and married her.

 

But I'm done here. You are very defensive and I get that. I was that way too many years ago, no one could tell me that having an affair was wrong. Like you, being with him was better than being alone.

 

I am glad I came to my senses and maybe you will too. That is up to you. I can't believe where you live there are NO OTHER available men who would accept you and your children into his life. Doesn't matter anyway because you are too invested in a man who is already invested with someone else and you are content with life the way it is.

 

I think your friends are well meaning and just want you happy. Those are good friends.

 

Well, in case you have not noticed, this is a support forum for OW. Hello??!!!!! Seriously, why are you even here?

And sure, there are other available men who are interested...like the 50 year old pipefitter who considers going to a Nascar race to be high living...or the 5'2" guy who weighs 300lbs and considers a career achievement to be managing the local BK....they are available for a reason...they are undesirable! Sorry but I am not going to dumb down and just take whatever I can get

I don't take pot shots at her looks. She is obese. She does not wear flattering clothes. She is needy(MM's observation, not mine). These are facts, not me being a b*tch. I hate to break it to you but we all have faults..even the Ws!

I do think that he loves her because he feels sorry for her and does not want to destroy her. That to me is very different from a romantic and intellectual love.I don't want him to destroy her by leaving either. I don't want that on my conscience. I'm happy with the status quo and so is MM.

[Fallen Angel]

Well, in case you have not noticed, this is a support forum for OW. Hello??!!!!! Seriously, why are you even here?

And sure, there are other available men who are interested...like the 50 year old pipefitter who considers going to a Nascar race to be high living...or the 5'2" guy who weighs 300lbs and considers a career achievement to be managing the local BK....they are available for a reason...they are undesirable! Sorry but I am not going to dumb down and just take whatever I can get

I don't take pot shots at her looks. She is obese. She does not wear flattering clothes. She is needy(MM's observation, not mine). These are facts, not me being a b*tch. I hate to break it to you but we all have faults..even the Ws!

I do think that he loves her because he feels sorry for her and does not want to destroy her. That to me is very different from a romantic and intellectual love.I don't want him to destroy her by leaving either. I don't want that on my conscience. I'm happy with the status quo and so is MM.

 

Hey hun,

 

I KNOW from first hand experience that when you are new to these boards, everyone who voices an opinion you disagree with seems like they are attacking you... if you are going to survive here, you have to grow a pretty thick skin... while it is the OW/OM support board, it is open to betrayed spouses, former OW/OM, former MM/MW, current MM/MW etc etc ad infinitum....

 

Those people have just as much right to be here as anyone else... and while it sometimes feels personal, MOST of the people here really are just saying what they say because they don't want to see you hurt.

 

I am an OW, and sometimes i am likely to say things you do not want to hear, and sometimes people say things to me i don't care for... you just have to let it go... Fooled is actually one of the kindest people you will meet, and when she speaks, it is from the heart, and not meant to be cruel.

 

Take what you need from the comments on this board, and leave what you can not use... but their right to say it is as valuable as our right not to listen to it.