Vampire Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I'm feeling low today and have been progressively so over the last month. My story can be found here for those wanting to catch up, but a brief version is that on June 29th, my stepson pulled a knife on me which lead to me leaving the house for a cool down period. July 5th, my fiance (partner of 10 years) said it's over but then proceeded to feed me crumbs until they were all gone on October 28th. I've had no contact whatsoever with either of them since. That's 81 days NC. The problem is that for the last 3 and a half weeks, I have dreamt of her every single night and it's beginning to take it's toll. I'm feeling like how I did back in July. Back to sleeping 3 hours a night and dreaming of her all the time. The cruel thing is, that in my dreams, I am very much aware of the reality of the situation. In every dream we get back together. I'm nervous, apprehensive, scared and hopeful. In every dream, we touch. In every dream, we kiss. And that's the bit that ****s me up. It serves as the worst reminder that I will never hold her again, kiss her, hold hands, sleep with her by my side. Somebody else will. It's when I'm alone at night and the world's asleep, that I lie there thinking and thinking, replaying everything; good and bad. All the imperfections are ironed out and she is the most beautiful woman on Earth. She would call me her Soulmate. You know life's a bitch when your dreams far outweight the value of reality. I really, really am having a bad time coping with this at the moment and I have cried more in the last 6 months than I have in the last 10 years.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 V, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It totally sucks when our subconscious mind pulls what appears to be 'random crap' on us I hear you, about the things that you will not again be doing with your ex. And yes, she'll be doing that with someone else. But. So will you, yes? You have not lost your capacity to love and be loved. I dunno. Maybe your dreams are trying, in an ass backward kind of way, to remind you that you can, at least, still connect with your own lovable and loving nature? It can be tough to figure it all out, though. That is fersure. Hugs.
Author Vampire Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Thankyou Ronni, I appreciate your words. I know we all say "Never again" but I honestly don't know what to do anymore. As much as I'd love to feel like part of something and find a place I belong with a woman who cares, I don't know how long it'll take to get over those 10 years. Like I said in one of the other threads, I'm actually losing my eyesight and I seriously don't see a woman wanting to be stuck with me come the worst. It's like all my fears and worries have hit me full on in one go and I feel like the ugliest most worthless person going. It still hurts that me ex never really sat down and talked with me about my probleml it was always about her. Dammit. I feel like a complete basket case.
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 V, It sounds as if you've lost all self-confidence and esteem -- that is a vicious cycle that can be so difficult to get one's self out of. Of course I could argue that you are not a worthless person -- I honestly do not believe that such exists. But...I get that's how you're feeling about yourself at the moment. The thing is. You're in charge of building back up your own confidence and esteem...noone else can do it for you. But. I'm willing to help -- lemme know how I can do that. It still hurts that me ex never really sat down and talked with me about my probleml it was always about her. Well...part of that is just total BS, yes? That was YOU who did not act assertively enough to ensure that your own needs, wants and problems were addressed. YOU did not stand up, speak out or advocate for your Self. Even if she does tend towards self-centredness, or narcissism, or however you'd label her behaviour...that was still YOU not taking care of you. No point turning yourself into a victim in those instances where you're not really one. IMO.
Author Vampire Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 V, It sounds as if you've lost all self-confidence and esteem -- that is a vicious cycle that can be so difficult to get one's self out of. Very true, but last year I enrolled in college and wasn't expecting much. I've pulled a Distinction for every assignment and exam to date, I'm on the Student Coucil as an Excutive and am doing a lot of work for charity so mentally, I am really trying as hard as possible to get some self-worth going - I'm not actually able to smile at the Distinctions yet, but hopefully they will become of value internally before the course finishes in July and I head of to Uni. Well...part of that is just total BS, yes? That was YOU who did not act assertively enough to ensure that your own needs, wants and problems were addressed. YOU did not stand up, speak out or advocate for your Self. I wish that were the case but unfortunately, you can only assert yourself so many times before you realise the other person doesn't actually give a **** - and that in itself chips away at the confidence and starts that vicious cycle. There was always a problem of hers or my stepson's to be sorted and I guess they just assumed that I was some sort of old school die hard. I'm honest enough to admit that some things are hard to talk about and when I keep getting knocked back, I can't help but clam up - self preservation of sorts I suppose. Asides from college, I have two goals this year. 1) Don't contact her. 2) Buy a mirror. Help me to remember the first one, and I'll be your friend for life!
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Congrats on all Distinctions! I certainly don't mind smiling on your behalf...but only until you can get a couple of your own going. :) (But hurry, please, cos my cheeks are starting to ache!) you can only assert yourself so many times before you realise the other person doesn't actually give a **** Er. So she didn't actually give a crap about you but, in your mind, you can still somehow fantasize a scenario in which she is calling you her "Soulmate"? What is it you're studying and getting all those Distinctions? Creative literature? Fairytale Writing? <joke> I do understand about using silence-withdrawal as an attempt at protecting the self from experiencing emotional pain. It has been my 'go to' move, as well. But that don't make it any less a dysfunctional coping "strategy". As you say, it is ultimately confidence-destroying...and it does not build healthy, strong relationships or ensure their longevity, either. As for staying strict 'no contact'. You said that she doesn't actually give a crap about you. [so] What exactly would you be contacting her for? To give her the opportunity to REMIND you that she doesn't actually give a crap about you, and never really did??? (BTW, howcome I get to help you with the difficult goal? <whine, complain>)
Author Vampire Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Er. So she didn't actually give a crap about you but, in your mind, you can still somehow fantasize a scenario in which she is calling you her "Soulmate"? Sorry, what I meant was, that in the beginning and for a good many of those 10 years, she would call me her soulmate; sliding doors scenario in that there were many coincidences that linked us; the most bizarre being a photo that was taken of her as a child at the beach with her friends and family - standing behind her and just a few feet away, were my friends and I. The photograph my mother took showed a similar scene from a different angle at a later time on the same day. The chances of that happening and meeting up as adults is beyond my mathematical probability comprehension. So the 'soulmate' comments were from our years together amd not just dreamt. As for staying strict 'no contact'. You said that she doesn't actually give a crap about you. [so] What exactly would you be contacting her for? To give her the opportunity to REMIND you that she doesn't actually give a crap about you, and never really did??? Actually, it's to find out how my son is. Stepson; but I brought him up as my own for 10 years. Legally, I have less parental rights than a biological father. I've done everything I can to keep in touch with him, but emotional blackmail on her part makes him feel guilty to keep in touch. I just hope that when he's older, he see's the picture for what it really is and not for her painting. All that aside, and as sickening as it may sound, I am still very much in love with her and cannot conceive of life without her. Perhaps when I reach the nirvana of self-worth, I'll let go. By the way, I'm studying to be a social worker, a complete change from the old profession. Anyway, you get perks for your job...E-Slaps. Yes I said it, E-Slaps. As hard as you like every time I'm tempted to phone her and lose the remaining shred of dignity. Can you dig it?
Ronni_W Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Can you dig it? Oh, it is dug! Lemme know when you're messing with your last shreds of dignity over there, so that I can get the e-slaps going. I'm expecting it to be fun That is rather bizarre...the 'matching' childhood pics. And yeah, I get that it's difficult and that you're not over her. Terribly sorry to hear that you've lost your (step)son, as well. I don't know if high self-worth can fill the hole that is "missing a loved one". I kind of don't think so. I think it's more about just learning how to be okay with it. It does take time, but it also needs the will and determination to just make the very best of whatever Life throws at us. Your son may or may not figure out the facts from the fiction some day. If-when he does, I do hope that you'll somehow know about it. But you may not. You may just have to satisfy yourself with the knowledge of what you gave and how you felt giving it. It's tough. Big hugs.
Author Vampire Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Ronni, you're a star. Thankyou. Big love!
HeavenOrHell Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Just wanted to say I know how it feels, I was left after 18 years, 6 months on I still miss him badly, I've forgotten how to feel happy. ((((((hugs))))))
Author Vampire Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Hey HoH. I remember your story well as it struck a chord with me. How are you managing thesedays? I'm all out of plastic smiles in my world, so I guess it really is about time.
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