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Post Rape Relationship Break Up

Untamed21

By Untamed21
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Untamed21 Member

Untamed21

Posted
Posted (edited)

I've made so many mistakes, I have a hard time forgiving myself for a lot of them, mainly because even if it sometimes it is another person's fault, I tend to make it my own.

 

When I was nineteen years old, my ex boyfriend raped me, thus causing me to lose my virginity (which I was saving for marriage). It was a horrible experience and it completely broke me, because post rape, he continued to stalk me and make my life hell. He beat me up when I complained about him and the cops where I lived at that point (India), automatically pointed the finger at me and said that it was my own fault this happened. Finally, after two years, he stopped making me miserable and left me alone (he got a job in another place and he left the state.)

 

My then, so called best friend kind of wrangled me into a situation where I ended up meeting her cousin. I say wrangle because I had no intention of meeting anyone new. I wanted to stay single a long time because of what I had gone through.

 

Long story short, the guy insisted he didn't want to be a rebound relationship and ended up seducing me (STUPID fool that I am, I fell for it. I should have known better, and I am really really stupid for falling for someone like that He had only pursued me a month). And that was when the trouble started.

 

He broke up with me six times (citing commitment phobia and me not sneaking him into my house to have sex as issues) and I was soon at a point I was so scared of losing him that I would just keep taking him back. Little did I know, that my best friend, having got insecure had gone behind my back and started telling him lies about me, because she fancied him herself (go figure why she introduced me to him in the first place!)

 

I don't know what happened to me, to my self respect. It was when he started to force me to leave my parents (my mom is sick and doesn't want me to leave) and get an apartment of my own when I finally decided enough was enough. He lives with him mom and dad too. He's 23 and he has a job. I'm only JUST finishing college and have a decent job lined up, but I need to actually earn in order to get an apartment. I cannot do that without my education. If sex is so important to him, why doesn't HE move out? He told me I had a week. If I didn't move out by the end of the week, he was breaking up with me.

 

I told him he was a horrible person and switched my phone number on him. He tried calling, msging my old number (I still have the old sim), but gave up after a day or two. He asked my fake best friend (who had caused the problem again, by telling him some crap) to find out if I was okay, but I was wise to her game and just ignored her.

 

It's been four months. Why can't I get over him? I was only with the man for seven months! What is wrong with me? He's obviously over me...I don't think he ever really cared for anything but sex. I just wish he hadn't used me. He knew about the rape...even went as far as to accuse me of deserving it, just like the cops did.

 

I wake up at night, my stomach aches from the pain in my chest as well. Thinking of him does that to me. I just really want to get over him. Whole days go by without thinking of him and then something will happen and it all comes back.

 

Why can't I get over him? I'm trying so hard...

Edited by Untamed21
Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

Untamed,

I'm sorry that you got raped. You did not deserve it, and it was not your fault. You're not responsible for other people's mistakes and cruel actions.

I'm also sorry that those who were supposed to protect you and serve justice (the cops) blamed you for the rapist's actions. Anybody who would do that is working from totally wrong-ignorant beliefs.

 

Your most-recent ex. I can see how that would be even more difficult to get over. No matter how the relationship started, I imagine that, at some point, you would have started trusting him; would have felt that he cared for and respected you.

To me, that was courageous on your part -- not "stupid" or foolish, but courageous. You chose not to continue to hope and trust, and to expect positive outcomes for yourself.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Again, it was your ex who screwed up and mistreated you...but it sounds as if you're blaming yourself. You didn't ask him or force him to act like a jerk.

 

In reality, you have survived everything that's happened to you. You have strength and courage.

Maybe what you're still hanging on to, what is causing your chest pains and stomach aches, is that you're holding the guilt that actually belongs to your exes, the cops and your former friend?

 

By doing that, you're just keeping yourself in the role of their victim. It's going to be up to you to free yourself by "giving back" all the mistakes and cruel actions that do not belong to you.

I know self-forgiveness can be very difficult to master. But it's not that you need self-forgiveness here...because you didn't do anything wrong. Those are not your mistakes for which you're trying to claim ownership. They don't belong to you, so it's kind of like you're trying to "steal" them from their rightful owners. If that makes sense?

 

Have you considered working towards forgiving those who hurt you? Who betrayed your trust? Who blamed you for things that were not your fault?

 

I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time, and send you

Hugs and Healing.

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
Posted

You poor thing.

 

I'm so sorry to tell you, after all you've been through, that you have a lot of work to do.

 

You don't deserve to be put in this position. What has happened to you is NOT FAIR. But, with work, you can, in fact, turn this sh*t into strength.

 

The experience you had has clearly damaged your self-esteem very badly. (I don't know what kind of shape it was in before that event but perhaps you should consider that.)

 

You feel unloveable, it seems, and you therefore appear to 'need' the 'love' the using ex you describe provided.

 

From the sounds of things, sweetheart, you haven't been anywhere near a loving relationship, yet, in your life. Don't worry, however, please. You can and WILL find one - and it will be better than all of your wildest dreams - but you first need to, that's right: love yourself.

 

I suggest you find a therapist who specialises in sexual abuse, alongside a group for rape victims. Can you let me know what is available to you, where you live?

 

Sadly, you cannot change one minute of the past but you can believe you are worthy of a bright future and you seem to be determined to have that - that's why you're here.

 

I'd also like to know a bit more about YOU. Your interests, your skills, what makes you tick. I'd like you to really think about that and I'd like you to establish what makes up YOU. You NOW. Not in the past, necessarily but who you are today.

 

I need you to hang onto those parts of you that NO-ONE will EVER be able to take from you again. I'd like you to think about what makes you amazing - and you really are - and store your findings deep inside your heart. One day, you will use this power to burn up any of the old pain that comes near you.

 

I have some advice for you but I think you really need a therapist to hold your hand through this tunnel and see you through to the very bright light that lies at the end of it.

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Take care, sweetie.

 

x

Dorluv Member

Dorluv

Posted
Posted

im really sorry about what u went through, men can be such jerk sometimes. thank god there are good men out there too we only make bad choices. Sometimes people do change but as someone had mention on one of these boards who have to look and see if they have the potential to grow. When your heart is in something to me we are blind. thats y I dont understand y people would say "go with ur heart" My heart has cause me enough pain, but I still hopw to love again. Im in a stagnant relationship where I feel that the person is pulling away little by little and I dont know if I should just stand by and let it tkae its toil or do something but what. I know ur pain trust me. I try to sleep so I wont thnik about him. the pain will go away eventually but its a long road trust me you have to be proactive, just come on the board evryday and talk aabout how u feel that will help a lot ok:bunny:

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

Correction, please:

To me, that was courageous on your part -- not "stupid" or foolish, but courageous. You chose not to continue to hope and trust, and to expect positive outcomes for yourself.

Untamed, it's also that, even after your traumatic experience with your first b/f, you obviously still believed in the inherent goodness of people. To me, you did not act like a "stupid fool", at all. Especially after your earlier experience, it was a brave thing to get involved with the new guy. HE screwed up. You did not.

  • Author
Untamed21 Member

Untamed21

Posted
  • Author
Posted

 

Have you considered working towards forgiving those who hurt you? Who betrayed your trust? Who blamed you for things that were not your fault?

 

I forgave my ex who raped me. I don't know how it happened, but I learnt to forgive him. He's gone far away now. And I don't want to even think about him anymore, but when I do think, once in a while, of the rape, I force the memories away...

 

In a way, I forgave the police for behaving the way they did...they just assumed since I was the guy's girlfriend I was asking for it. But then, the police in India are uneducated, illiterate....they had their reasons.

 

My recent ex and my ex best friend...I feel so angry, so upset. I feel like they played some kind of twisted game with me. That they just pinned all the blame on me, calling me names, telling me I was the bitch, that I deserved all this pain I had received in my previous relationship. I guess I can try to forgive them...I just don't know if it would work... :(

 

Thank you Ronni_W, for talking to me...I think you're right. I've been holding in a lot of emotions, and not forgiving myself. I don't know why, but maybe because so many people were telling me again and again, I was beginning to believe that maybe I did deserve what had happened to me. I have so much work to do on myself... I need to learn how to be happy again.

 

Thank you so much. I really needed to read something positive, something that made me believe in myself.

 

 

I suggest you find a therapist who specialises in sexual abuse, alongside a group for rape victims. Can you let me know what is available to you, where you live?

 

Sadly, you cannot change one minute of the past but you can believe you are worthy of a bright future and you seem to be determined to have that - that's why you're here.

 

I'd also like to know a bit more about YOU. Your interests, your skills, what makes you tick. I'd like you to really think about that and I'd like you to establish what makes up YOU. You NOW. Not in the past, necessarily but who you are today.

 

 

Thank you so much for replying, mickleb. Your words give me strength. And help me believe in myself.

 

And I do agree...I need a therapist. I kept believing that I could heal by myself...but I find that I cannot. I feel like I'm too tired to do this alone anymore. Besides my personal life, I've had issues like people at college blackmailing me to do their work in several ways, including my so called best friend and my ex who raped me (my parents don't know about the rape. They're very conservative, traditional...it could tear them apart and my mum's a heart patient. I can't risk hurting them in any way.)

 

I'm in India still, but will be in St. Louis, Missouri, US in a few weeks.

 

As for me...well, I'm a writer. I love to write poetry, and I love illustration and to read. My speciality is being able to take care of kids...I really want to write and illustrate children's books.

 

I love to sing and read to my nephews and nieces, my kids at play school, tell them stories that I make up. And I'm good with animals...my friends sometimes bring their pets to see me when their pets are sick. I'm decent at being able to heal them! Animals and children give me peace of mind. And I love nothing more than to play catch with a dog, or make a crying child smile.

 

I know ur pain trust me. I try to sleep so I wont thnik about him. the pain will go away eventually but its a long road trust me you have to be proactive, just come on the board evryday and talk aabout how u feel that will help a lot

 

Thank you, thank you so much. It has helped, just talking about it and reading everything that you have said. Being able to share is something I have not been able to do...thank you for listening and replying.

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted
My recent ex and my ex best friend...I feel so angry, so upset.

Yes, I would feel angry and upset over being treated like that, too. I think that's a totally a normal emotional reaction to being betrayed and unfairly blamed.

Forgiveness is a funny thing in that it won't be forced or rushed. I suspect that once you allow yourself to feel and let go of your anger, upset and sadness...well, that kind of frees up some 'inner space' where forgiveness can settle in.

 

To me also, you can't "forgive" someone if they haven't done anything wrong. And I'm not really seeing where YOU did anything wrong, so I'm not sure how you're going to be able to "forgive" yourself. (If that makes sense?)

 

Maybe it's more that you have to accept that your trust was misplaced, and accept that some things happened to you that you did not want and that you had no control over?

Or. Maybe, yes. Maybe to forgive yourself that you took the blame when it wasn't necessary -- the "wrong thing" was taking blame that didn't belong to you. ("Wrong" in the sense that it was unkind and unloving to your Self, to do that.)

 

Hugs, untamed. It comes through in your posts that you have lots of self-awareness and many positive qualities. You are lovable, important and significant, and you do deserve to have happiness, success and peace.

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Untamed21 Member

Untamed21

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I guess in a lot of ways, I do need to accept that my trust was very very misplaced and I trusted these two people too easily. I thought my best friend would support me as she knew about my rape. I thought my recent boyfriend would be someone who would love me, care for me.

 

I made a mistake and I guess I can forgive myself for being so trusting...my mom always told me I trusted people too much and one day I would get hurt.

 

I just want it to stop aching. Mentally and physically. :(

 

Thank you. You are teaching me that in order to love myself, I need to stop beating myself up...which I seemed to have been doing without even knowing it... Thank you, Ronni_W. :hug:

Ronni_W Established Member

Ronni_W

Posted
Posted

Double hugs back at you, untamed.

Yes, you're right. You have been beating up on yourself something awful. And of course that is part of what is aching. So I think you've found a key, and I really do hope that you'll start being kinder to your dear Self from now on.

I strongly suspect that, the more you forgive, accept and love yourself, the faster your aching will subside -- it won't all happen overnight but at least now you know what you need to do to eventually make it stop. You got your power back! :bunny::love::bunny:

Wishing you all the best.

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

Posted
Posted
I forgave my ex who raped me. I don't know how it happened, but I learnt to forgive him. He's gone far away now. And I don't want to even think about him anymore, but when I do think, once in a while, of the rape, I force the memories away...

 

In a way, I forgave the police for behaving the way they did...they just assumed since I was the guy's girlfriend I was asking for it. But then, the police in India are uneducated, illiterate....they had their reasons.

 

My recent ex and my ex best friend...I feel so angry, so upset. I feel like they played some kind of twisted game with me. That they just pinned all the blame on me, calling me names, telling me I was the bitch, that I deserved all this pain I had received in my previous relationship. I guess I can try to forgive them...I just don't know if it would work...

 

Thank you Ronni_W, for talking to me...I think you're right. I've been holding in a lot of emotions, and not forgiving myself. I don't know why, but maybe because so many people were telling me again and again, I was beginning to believe that maybe I did deserve what had happened to me. I have so much work to do on myself... I need to learn how to be happy again.

 

Thank you so much. I really needed to read something positive, something that made me believe in myself.

 

 

 

Thank you so much for replying, mickleb. Your words give me strength. And help me believe in myself.

 

And I do agree...I need a therapist. I kept believing that I could heal by myself...but I find that I cannot. I feel like I'm too tired to do this alone anymore. Besides my personal life, I've had issues like people at college blackmailing me to do their work in several ways, including my so called best friend and my ex who raped me (my parents don't know about the rape. They're very conservative, traditional...it could tear them apart and my mum's a heart patient. I can't risk hurting them in any way.)

 

I'm in India still, but will be in St. Louis, Missouri, US in a few weeks.

 

As for me...well, I'm a writer. I love to write poetry, and I love illustration and to read. My speciality is being able to take care of kids...I really want to write and illustrate children's books.

 

I love to sing and read to my nephews and nieces, my kids at play school, tell them stories that I make up. And I'm good with animals...my friends sometimes bring their pets to see me when their pets are sick. I'm decent at being able to heal them! Animals and children give me peace of mind. And I love nothing more than to play catch with a dog, or make a crying child smile.

 

 

 

Thank you, thank you so much. It has helped, just talking about it and reading everything that you have said. Being able to share is something I have not been able to do...thank you for listening and replying.

 

Hey there. So sorry for late reply. Hope you're still around.. :)

 

So, untamed, you just sound lovely:

 

Sensitive, caring, creative, intelligent, trusting. How do you manage to do that? You have a lot of strength. I am truly impressed by you.

 

I'm so glad you have found this site and posted and SO glad that sharing is helping you.

 

I am glad, too, that you think you would benefit from a therapist. I don't think anyone should have to go through what you have and not get helped to deal with that experience. You really are not expected to deal with something this significant alone.

 

You know, it is ok to be selfish, from time to time. I feel as though this is the last thing you would want to be but it really is ok. It's important we recognise our rights, needs and wants and learn how to ask for these. In fact, we can't truly care for others until we learn how to care for ourselves.

 

I want you to consider telling someone in your family about what has happened to you. Is there anyone you could trust not to tell your mum, until/unless you say so?

 

I hope you can find the support you need (I'm expecting you too!) when you are in the States. Just to be clear - is America home?

 

x

cheeze Member

cheeze

Posted
Posted
I've made so many mistakes, I have a hard time forgiving myself for a lot of them, mainly because even if it sometimes it is another person's fault, I tend to make it my own.

 

Untamed I'm sorry to hear about what you have gone through. But as everyone else has said, I dont think any of it was your fault. We really cannot know whats there in the other person's mind and sometimes being too considerate can also backfire! Some people are just not worth the trust we give them. They will act as if to protect us and then hit back right where it hurts the most. However all of these are lessons which we need to learn and grow from them rather than blame ourselves. You are such a brave individual and I'm sure you will get someone you truly deserve. Dont beat yourself thinking about the worthless ex that you had.

 

I'm posting here a beautiful quote that I found about self love and forgiveness. Hope it gives you strength...

 

“I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

 

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

 

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me. I am me, and I am Okay.”

 

keep posting and smiling :D...lots of hugs

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