Jasmine444 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I just wanted to know everyones feelings about celibacy. Im 26 years old ive had alot of intimate relationships but they never go anywhere besides the sexual aspect.. Ive been hurt alot. Its gotten to the point where im scared to date because of what the guy will think of me not having sex.....I know everyone has their own reasons for being Abstient/celibate but mine is basically for mental and emotional reasons. I would consider myself a very sexy and mysterious woman but i also think being sexy and attractive can be a gift and a curse because i think very attractive women tend to have harder times maintaining a relationship...All i want is to be able to build a solid foundation of friendship with a guy first without the sexual aspect..what do you guys think:o
Bejita463 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Serious question: How long would it take for you feel the foundation has been created, and become open to the idea of sex? Just a rough guesstimate.
Author Jasmine444 Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Thats tough i honestly dont know exactly.
Bejita463 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Thats tough i honestly dont know exactly. Fair enough. I was just going to offer an opinion towards whether I would be willing to wait. Prompted by the fact that unless you were planning on saying some figure in the years or more time frame, the opinion would probably surprise you. Decent guys who respect your boundaries and are willing to wait are out there. Some are even willing to wait until marriage, though I admit that one isn't me.
ella23 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I think there are quite a few guys who'd be willing to wait for a few months. It doesn't sound like you're waiting for marriage, so you should be fine. If you are waiting for marriage, you should go for the very religious type of men perhaps.
Johnny M Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I think there are quite a few guys who'd be willing to wait for a few months. It doesn't sound like you're waiting for marriage, so you should be fine. It's true that you could find men willing to wait for a few moths. The problem is that these guys would inevitably be of the really desperate type. Is that the kind of man you want? I'm not saying that you should have sex on the first date or anything, but waiting for several months is waaaay too long. Most normal guys would just assume that you're either asexual or are waiting until marriage (and lying to them), and they would move on.
tami-chan Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Do you think that these men believe that they are "entitled" to sex even though they are not committed to you? do YOU believe they ARE entitled to have sex with you? Because you know, they are not.
CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Thats tough i honestly dont know exactly. Hold out as long as you feel is necessary. If the guy doesn't respect that then he's not the right guy for you. It's that simple. Guys who love and care about you for who you are will wait until you're ready. If that's marriage, so be it! Don't let them pressure you.
DiscoChick Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I've been in a sexual relationship once. If I ever have sex again, it will be with the man I marry.
Johnny M Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Do you think that these men believe that they are "entitled" to sex even though they are not committed to you? do YOU believe they ARE entitled to have sex with you? Because you know, they are not. No, they are not entitled to sex, just like you are not entitled to commitment. That why the whole 'sex for commitment' bartering system does not work.
aerogurl87 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I'm thinking about becoming celibate too for awhile. Ok maybe not till marriage, but at least for a month and a half after dating someone. I think it's best to build a good friendship with someone before having sex with them. It makes the sex so much more enjoyable because it becomes more than just sex, it becomes a way to bond with your partner on a higher level emotionally, mentally, and physically.
tami-chan Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 No, they are not entitled to sex, just like you are not entitled to commitment. That why the whole 'sex for commitment' bartering system does not work. Makes sense. BUT, I do not believe in casual sex-so in my world it is sex WITH commitment...not for...and it goes both ways.
Satisfaction Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I've been celibate for 3 and a half years. It's helped and harmed me in many ways. Its helped me to appreciate myself more. well sexually anyway and i know about what turns me on and puts me off. Unfortunatly it has also made me realise that about 90% of the sex I had before was crap. I seriously can't tolerate it if i'm making out with someone and they do it badly I just don't want to sleep with them. No matter how desperate I've been feeling! Guys who only know about sex from watching porn, are so obvious and i just couldn't bring myself to sleep with them. My mindset is like should i bare myself to them for 15 mins of half hearted poking? They normally go if they can't get you to do it. But i have no trouble with seeing those guys just disappear like smoke in the wind. I've also had situations where guys do all kinds of sweet, tender things but still come across crap almost like they think if they get you to like them enough you will forgive them for being crap. I still won't go past making out if i get that feeling.
Satisfaction Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 No, they are not entitled to sex, just like you are not entitled to commitment. That why the whole 'sex for commitment' bartering system does not work. You should try not to think of it like a bartering system and think of it more as a quest for reliable, trusting partnership. Its hard work and some people just use shortcuts like wait for 3 months to see if he is serious. Instead you should wait and see if he is serious. Be aware though that some guys do some things on purpose to make you think you can trust them even though you can't. They can only pretend for so long though. Its up to you how long you want to wait before you decide that you can trust them with your heart and the pedantics of your life.
Knittress Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I've been celibate for about a year and a half now, and like one of the above posters said, it has a lot to do with me not wanting to bother with anyone with whom I feel poor-to-mediocre chemistry. I'm a very loving person and I'd just feel BAD about wanting to ditch, and then motivated by guilt/obligation/affection would probably sell myself short. (this would probably adequately sum up 90% of my experiences, right there) I think this goes for a lot of other women too, they just don't stop and think about the consequences... I'm not sure what to do about this either - I don't want anyone uptight, but I'm bothered by the sex-as-handshake mentality of a lot of men(/people). I'm not sure why you'd set an arbitrary time-period, though. It's not like there's anything "better" about celibacy or waiting it out. Perhaps you ought to just think things through a little more before you get involved with someone. Like - What do you (REALLY) want? What does he want? Where do you see this going? Are you ok with that? etc...
thegreatmoose Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I think there are quite a few guys who'd be willing to wait for a few months. It doesn't sound like you're waiting for marriage, so you should be fine. If you are waiting for marriage, you should go for the very religious type of men perhaps. There are many guys willing to wait a few months, especially the ones who are looking for serious relationships. It's true that you could find men willing to wait for a few moths. The problem is that these guys would inevitably be of the really desperate type. Is that the kind of man you want? I'm not saying that you should have sex on the first date or anything, but waiting for several months is waaaay too long. Most normal guys would just assume that you're either asexual or are waiting until marriage (and lying to them), and they would move on. Normal to you means just like you. Not every guys thinks like you do. Some guys want sex as quick as possible, others prefer to wait a month, some a few months, some a year, some until engagement and others until marriage. It's a personal choice and what's to say any of these are not normal?
sagetalk Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 If a guy cannot wait until you're married (if that's how long it takes) to have sex with you, then he does not love you. If he would dump you over that, he is a scumbag. By holding out on sex with a guy, you are weeding out the guys who just want to use you for sex. If all you want is a serious relationship, it's a smart move on your part.
Johnny M Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Normal to you means just like you. Not every guys thinks like you do. Some guys want sex as quick as possible, others prefer to wait a month, some a few months, some a year, some until engagement and others until marriage. How long do you prefer to wait?
Bejita463 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 If a guy cannot wait until you're married (if that's how long it takes) to have sex with you, then he does not love you. That's not entirely fair. The female's wants/desires are important, but they are no more important than the male's, nor do either supersede the other. That could easily be flipped around to say a female who refuses to have sex without a ring on her finger is using sex as a weapon to force marriage and does not truly love her guy. I am a very patient guy as far as physical acts go, but the "waiting for marriage" ideology is one that is not compatible with me. Not because I am a scumbag who only wants sex, but because that line of thinking is not reasonable to me. Waiting six months because she is not comfortable yet would be acceptable to me, while waiting that same amount of time for marriage would not be. It also comes down to how you show affection. The whole love language thing. I am one of the people who prefers touch to display affection. Being consistently rejected (and this is not confined to sex, though it does include it) would eventually make me feel unloved. I don't think that makes me a bad person who is only using partners as much as it makes me incompatible with certain partners.
Johnny M Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 If a guy cannot wait until you're married (if that's how long it takes) to have sex with you, then he does not love you. If he would dump you over that, he is a scumbag. Give me a break . Are you really going to marry someone you've never had sex? Do you need me to list the reasons why doing so is a terrible idea?
and.then.some Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 This is sort of funny to me. I was thinking the other day about how it used to be that guys got married in order to have sex, and children, etc. Now, sex is everywhere, with no taboos or restrictions. Babies don't have to come with commitments, and the milk is always free somewhere else. I think the most important thing is someone who shares your values and ideals. The right guy will understand them. The guy who doesn't is the guy you don't need to worry about. I think celibacy is a good idea, but come up with some tentative time frame. Otherwise, something may seem fishy to the guy. He may wonder "does she not want to sleep with me because she's sleeping with someone else?" "Is she trying to use me or string me along?" As for the comment about only the most desperate men being the ones willing to wait, as an eternal optimist, I refuse to believe this. I believe that there are some men in the world who have already "been there and done that" who would rather find something more meaningful. Granted, you'll be looking for the guy who is looking to settle down. The ones who are just "dating" probably won't stick around for very long.
hoping2heal Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 You said you are celibate for mental and emotional reasons. Do you have some sort of history of trauma that has led to the choice of celibacy as a result?
CaliGuy Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Give me a break . Are you really going to marry someone you've never had sex? Do you need me to list the reasons why doing so is a terrible idea? I can give you many reasons why it IS a good idea to wait.... I know I've read somewhere where couples who wait and XX more likely to have a lifetime marriage vs pre-marital sex where the failure rate is higher. Not saying it's for everybody but there are plenty of good reasons to wait.
Jersey Shortie Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Guys who only know about sex from watching porn, are so obvious Yes they are and there are many more out there today. They are sucky in bed and they don't even care because they think they are masters because some chick on a porn cooed over it. OP, if you want to wait. Then wait. If it makes you utlimately more happy..then that is the only answery ou need.
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