fiyah Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 alright, so i've had a few flings here and there but i'm the type of guy who always seems to end up in long term relationships. i'm at a place where i don't want a relationship but would just like to hook up now and then and just date around more or less. the last time i tried having casual sex with someone, we ended up going on "dates" and then eventually hooking up. even though i gave her the usual disclaimers about how i didnt want to be in a relationship, we ended up talking every day and having pretty regular sex. then it became exclusive and then we considered a relationship, but i decided to end things and she got hurt. i recently ran into a girl i met once and i got her number, telling her i'd give her a call and we could have dinner sometime. this isn't exactly someone i met at a bar; i met her at i guess you could say a "community event" so we know some mutual people and i even met her mom (this was before we ever really flirted or talked though). help me with some guidelines for how to have a fwb without getting attached and someone ending up getting hurt. i'm looking for practical advice like...should i tell her explicitly even before first "date" that i'm just looking to score? or should i never/rarely call her except to hook up? do we even go on "dates"? i'm used to really getting to know someone before i sleep with them, but to be successful f*ck buddies, i'm guessing we should keep it pretty surface level? thanks
aerogurl87 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I think the term "friends with benefits" is a complete oxymoron because in order to be successful f**k buddies you really shouldn't be "friends" with the person your involved with. When you become friends that's when feelings get involved and things start to get messy. Or at least that's been my experience. I mean talking about how your day went, etc. is fine, but when you start divulging personal life experiences, traumas, and aspirations to someone you just want to sleep with, that's dangerous territory. With that said, my most successful FWB relationship came last year in college. It was with this teacher assistant (no he wasn't my teacher assistant for a class) and we actually always only talked about music, classes/work, and our separate dating lives with each other. I think talking about only these things helped keep boundaries in place for us.
paddington bear Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 If you work under the assumption that most girls are looking for a relationship when you say 'I'm not looking for a relationship right now, just something casual', you may think you've made a disclaimer but women hear what they want to hear and not what you are saying I know that I certainly deluded myself this way. So, you might give the disclaimer to a girl, but in her head she thinks that she can change your feelings for her into more. Getting you to fall for her becomes a challenge, and she will get hurt when she realises that you were never going to be serious about her in the first place. You think you are FWB, she thinks she's going to be the one that 'gets you'. Also, realise you can't control other people's emotions, FWB often end up with one side developing more feelings than the other (many times the female half - women release a bonding hormone during sex, so even if you are grossly uncompatible, she will feel more of a bond to you even if it's no strings attached sex), so you cannot guarantee that someone is not going to get hurt. Also, so many dating guides, books etc tell people to play it a little cool, to be mysterious to not drop everything at the drop of a hat for someone else, to have your own life an interests. By actively wanting to have only a FWB thing, you are fulfilling all that dating advice!!! It makes the other party want to get to know you more, makes them want to figure you out, solve the riddle. I would tell them I guess, maybe before sex happens. That way it's their choice as to whether to go ahead with it or not.
CaliGuy Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 You do realize that when you say "I don't want a relationship right now" it's code to women that's read "I'm a challenge". Women read into that and figure "I'll change him!" Most women (not all) come pre-programmed this way to deeply desire confident men who are a bit of a challenge. That said, if you are being honest with them and don't desire a relationship, you should really put your foot down before hanging out with them. Most women aren't looking for FWBs -- and I don't think FWBs work because sex isn't a mindless act. It's an expression of love and it WILL change feelings. My advice? Find a hooker. You'll get all the FWBs you want with absolutely no chance of a relationship. It might cost you a few $$ but it's better than you running around screwing with women's heads.
amymarieca Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 The major thing to avoid is going on dates. You can suggest doing things together like watching a movie at her place, drinking together, or anything that will just lead to sex. Never do anything special like buying gifts or taking her to nice places on special occasions. Have conversations that elude to the fact you aren't exclusive. For example, talking about how you got two numbers last night at the bar, or asking her about her sexcapades. These are sure to give her signs that you don't see yourself in a relationship with her. No calling or texting just to say hi. The only reason you should contact her is to "hang out." The last thing I could suggest is to never spend the night. That builds emotional attachment. I say all of this from experience. I have had lots of **** buddies before and this is what I have noticed men will do if they are only looking to hook up. I think that there should be a mutual respect of course, but I usually like it this way when all I want is a **** buddy, because it avoids getting close to the person in an emotional way.
norajane Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 The most comprehensive guide on no-strings-attached sex I've seen on Loveshack: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2585451&postcount=19 Bottom line, it won't work if BOTH of you aren't on the same page about what you want and AGREE on a lot of the important details that you have to talk about first.
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