Disappearing act

[Keirya]

Hey all, this is my first post here. Going to try to be as unbiased as possible, as I'm rather...well, confused, in addition to all the other wonderful breakup feelings. Need some outside advice and perspective on the ending of this 1 year relationship, as it's killing me.

 

In August '08, I met my bf online. Initially, we were on a friends-only level, as I was very wary of LD relationships at the time. But we really seemed to connect well, and by the beginning of October, he sent an email telling me he was interested in pursuiting something with me. His words were somewhere along the lines of "I know you're leery of such things from bad experiences, and while I had a bad experience once, it wouldn't stop me from trying again if it was someone I was really interested in, like yourself". I was still a little reluctant to start anything (distance being the main factor, not him), but by the end of the month, the feelings grew to the point where it was no longer possible to ignore. I fell in love with him, and the feeling seemed mutual. It helped, too, that he did the LD thing before. I felt like I could trust him, he knew what it involved in a LDR.

 

After that, things went well. We met up three times in real life, fell asleep on the phone almost every night. But it was last Sept that things didn't seem right...he started to distance himself. This grew more and more apparent in late Oct, into November..

 

So finally, end of Nov, called to ask about it. I stated what was bothering me (...trying really hard not to cry, but failed). He stated his reasoning (It was getting serious between us, and the distance was wearing on him). At one point, he said he still loved me.. Anyway, we threw around some ideas, but I suggested we could just think on it for the night and talk the next night about what to do regarding the distance.

 

Next night, I call around 9:30. No answer - he's usually available during this time. Go out with bro, cry eyes out for an hour, come back, call, no answer. I spent the next hour or so typing out an email explaining how I felt about the whole matter, that I was assuming the relationship was over because he avoided a rather important convo we were supposed to have, how he should've mentioned his issues instead of leaving me hanging for over a month, by choosing this course of action it strongly showed a weakness in his character, that I hoped we'd speak one more time to clear up anything that needed to be said, etc. Also told him I wasn't going to pry anything out of him anymore.

 

Afterwards, a straight week passed and he never messaged back. I certainly wasn't going to start a convo with him, not out of some desperate desire to see if he really wanted me or not as our relationship looked VERY grim, but to see if he had the decency to...I dunno, show some respect and formally end it? Confirm/deny what I said in the email.. Anyway, nothing came of it (Unless you want to count when he went on msn and changed his status to "single" a day or two after my letter was sent to him). After a week, I decided to go NC to get over him - blocked him, deleted him from msn and my phone's contact list, the works. Haven't talked to him since.

 

I guess what frustrated me was that we were in this for over a year, and yet he didn't have the decency to acknowledge it.. Dunno, "closure" is such a loose term thrown around alot and takes on different meanings for different people... It's just hard when someone you love (even their faults), who you connected with on many emotional levels, shuts down in such a manner, y'know? Besides there's mixed up things, from his first message asking if I was interested (he knew what was involved in LDRs) to the last phone call we had (I was his first serious LDR girl, and distance was taking a toll...hello? did this not occur to you when we started? it was hard on me as well, but I was expecting that and lived with it..), from the "I still love you but.." in that phone call to the silence that followed... Hell, just checked a minute ago, and he still has me on his contact list in MSN, and we broke up near the end of November.

 

Probably reading too much into things, but ugh.

 

Anyway, sorry, wanted to vent. If anyone can put this into perspective or offer some insight, or anything really, it'd be greatly appreciated.

[aerogurl87]

I feel ya, Keirya. I dated this guy for 6 months in a LDR. Last day we were together he calls to tell me he loves me, thinks meeting me online was like winning the lotto, and the works. So I'm floating on cloud 9 till 5 hours later, when I get a text at work saying he thinks he needs some space. I tell him we'll discuss it when I get off work and 15 minutes later I'm told it's over. But then the icing on the cake comes the next day when I find out that he left me for some woman he met online (and never in real life yet, mind you) and he's planning to move all the way to Canada with her. Oh happy day!

 

Now your story wasn't that bad, but what I'm saying is guys like this you just have to accept they are cowards. My boyfriend gave me that "I didn't expect to fall in love with you and things to get serious" speech later when we got on speaking terms for about a hour. That's pure BS if you ask me. When you ask someone to be your girlfriend, whether it be the girl next door or one 1,000 miles away, and feelings start getting involved you should know what your getting yourself into. I recommend you watch 500 days of summer. I watched it this weekend and wow, the way I could relate to the guy in the film was eye opening. One thing it really showed me was that instead of focusing on the good times (as most people have a tendency to do) you need to look at the whole picture. Were there ever any signs that things were bad or getting there? Focus on that and the fact that he's human, that'll help you move on. Also don't nitpick everything he does or doesn't do, like the MSN thing. Some people just don't take people off their buddy lists because they're lazy. And lastly remember that even if he does come back, he's not worth it. He was a boy, not a man, and you deserve better.