Do I deserve a 2nd chance? Very Long, NEED !

[rochella84]

My husband and I have been married for five years, been together for seven years altogether and just for further information we have a five year old daughter. This past year was probably the hardest year for my husband and I because I got involved with an emotional affair. I am not happy with the decision I made and yes, I did know the consequences I would have to face because of it. There’s not a day that goes by that I wish I could take it all back, but the only thing I can do now is move forward. The only problem is that I don’t know which path I should take or where to begin.

 

Let me start out by stating that I know that emotional affairs are wrong and that no matter what you’re going through, it’s just not worth hurting someone even if he was hurting you. When I said that I wish I could take it back, I also meant that I wish I would’ve handled it differently. The problem in my marriage is that I love my husband so much that I would sacrifice so much of myself to make him happy. But in the process of it, I guess he felt that I was crowding him and not giving him enough space. I barely see him and when I do, he rather chooses his time to play video games, watch tv all night, or sees his buddies to get high. Occasionally he did take me out, but only after me begging him to do so. Every one told me to let him how I felt so I tried to communicate to him that we were having intimacy problems and that we might need to go get some counseling. Of course he brushed it off and said that we didn’t have any problems and that we were good. I started to feel more insecure because he became very abusive both physical and verbally; he has an anger problem. Up until this day, he blames me for why he became the way he did towards me and that I deserved it.

 

Well, all this time he was beating me down, I confided with my ex on a social networking website which eventually lead to phone calls and text messages. He was just trying to catch up with my life and one day after an argument with my husband, I just burst into tears on the phone with my ex and told him that I didn’t know what to do. He then just started to comfort me and tell me things like I didn’t deserve that kind of treatment and that he cared for me. My ex just kept saying all the right things and for the first time, I felt like someone was really paying attention to me. This goes on for a month and I knew that I had to end it because I just couldn’t do it anymore because of the guilt. I let him go and I confessed everything to my husband. Well, he of course got really upset and said he wanted to be separated. A month goes by and he calls to tell me he wants to work things out with us. So we get back together, but he still holds onto the emotional affair. Every time something triggers that memory of it, he gets really angry and calls me all sorts of name and then he claims he wants a divorce. I kept asking him to forgive me and I kept trying to remind how sincerely sorry I was but it wasn’t enough for him. He would tell me things like the only way he would get over this is if he cheated back on me.

 

Well, he’s in the Army Reserves, so months before this, he finds out he’s getting deployed to Iraq. My husband goes to training in California and in the meanwhile, he calls contemplating about getting a divorce because he doesn’t trust me and that he doesn’t love me like he used to. Well, he stopped calling me for awhile and then a couple of weeks before he gets back home from training he calls and tells me he wants to work things out. But my intuition was telling me that he was talking to some girl over there. I checked our phone bill and there was a number he called for that whole month along with text and picture messages. I confronted him and he tells me that it was nothing, that she was a dyke, and to him she was just a really cool person. He even talked with her on the phone in front of me which sounded casual. Then he reminds me that what he did is nothing compared to what I did, so I let it go.

 

I just don’t know what to do anymore; I don’t know what to expect. One day he’s good and the next is “I want a divorce”. He always says that he just says these things because he knows that it would hurt me but that he’s also confused. He says that when he’s in Iraq, he wouldn’t be able to trust me. I know that I crossed the line with him by having this emotional affair, but I feel like I’m walking on thin ice with him. I can’t be myself around him and whenever I try to make a good conversation with him, he always turns it around to make it a bad one and remind me of my past mistake. Now that he’s in Iraq, I have been worrying nonstop because I’m scared of losing him. I feel like he’s never going to forgive me and that he’ll stop loving me and will let me go. I have forgiven him for his past mistakes and even though he blames me for his action, I accepted it and let it go because I love him. Sometimes, it makes me wonder the kind of love he has for me. If he didn’t change for me back then, how can I expect for him to now, even after he blatantly told me that he would never change? I have changed myself for him and I have sacrifice so much for this man. For him to tell me that I didn’t do crap for him makes me so furious and I am even more upset at myself, because I allow myself to still love him even after everything he’s put me and my family through. He says that he doesn’t have any friends because of me and that none of my family likes him because of me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. He makes me feel like such a bad wife and on some days, he treats me like I’m not even human. Maybe I deserve some harsh treatment after having an emotional affair, but I’m getting exhausted from having to defend myself all the time. I know he's never going to forget, but the day he came back and told me he would forgive me that should've end his rights to punish me. Any advice?

Edited January 17, 2010 by rochella84

[patman1]

Ok. Can we back up for a second? Did you just say that he physically and mentally abused you and made it sound like it was just something casual? The remainder of your story makes sense on why it came to play.

 

First of all, your boy needs some serious growing up to do. Unlike my situation, he knew from the start you guys were having problems but he chose to shrug it off and that's called taking ppl for granted. Second of all, divorce is not something you play around with. It's either you do it or you don't and don't throw it around in your partner's face.

 

You are only human and you will mistakes. It's what you do with those mistakes that shows whether you learned from them or not. Emotional affairs are very hard to break but you did it on your own and top of that you were honest enough to tell your husband. That right there tells me that you were mature about the situation and you handled it like a woman should.

 

Obviously, your husband is hurt but he's not handling the situation right. Like I said, he needs a lot of growing up to do and he needs to begin learning how to forgive in order for the relationship to heal. You also have to remember why you were driven from him in the first place. He sounds like he's gotten worse after the emotional affair so either way, I don't think you're gonna be happy. It'll take a miracle for abusers such as himself to overcome their pride and take some responsibility over what has happened between you two. You have to think about yourself now and whatever's best for your daughter. Personally, the only way I will ever take the husband back is if he's going to change for the better and if he takes some of the blame. And that he agrees to go to counseling for your marriage and anger issues.

 

I can't imagine how hard it is for you now that he's in Iraq. I hope things work out for the both of you, but at the end just know that no matter what happens, it always works out for the better.

[patman1]

for your avatar, did u draw that? if so, you're also very talented.

[patman1]

look up the defintion of bully mentality and there you will see the true nature of your husband. As I read your thread, he sounds straight up like a bully to me.