any ideas would be welcome

[dearhunter]

Dear Tnttim, Steadfast, 2.50 a gallon and other members of this thread, I am new to Love Shack, and new to forums in general. I don't know the abbreviations and am still learning how to maneuver around. I have been reading this thread and feel that you guys may have some ideas that might help me in my situation.

 

I am 53, my H is 47. We have been together for 19 years, it is the second marriage for both of us. I have 3 kids with my first husband, my H has 1 with his first wife. We don't have any kids together. We moved to a town 3 years ago for his job, we know no one, and there isn't much to do, it's hours from our families. We have been talking about leaving since the first year we were here. He told me to retire 3 years ago when we moved here and enjoy life and my hobbies, that he likes taking care of me. We planned to be out of here within 2 years and I would again do what I have done for the past 12 years..find us a house, organize the moving, etc. This job didn't turn out to be what he had expected and he has had to travel 3-4 days a week. He's a homebody so he hates it and it has distanced us from each other.

 

I noticed that he was pulling away from me last spring and asked him about it and he said he was going thru some sort of midlife thing. I researched that and it said to give him space, so I did. We haven't been intimate in almost a year..I was waiting for him to figure out his stuff.

 

Two months ago after a long "hunting weekend" I asked him if he was seeing someone else, expecting the same reply as when I have previously asked, and this time he said yes. She had moved to a new town for a new job that day and he had been with her the whole weekend to say goodbye. He had started his affair with her Feb 09. Hurt does't even begin to describe the way I felt. I felt like I was in a tornado swirling around and just trying to understand and get him back. He told me it was over between them and we went to counseling to "work on our marriage". The C told us that he thought we should come individually for awhile to work on stuff before we came as a couple. We have both been doing that since Nov.

 

He kept up his contact with her, texts, phone calls. Then he told me he thought he loved her and didn't know what to do because he loved me too. I spent the next month and 1/2 trying to show him why he should stay with me..I was pathetic. It overwhelmed him to the point where he felt he needed to "have some time to think things thru". So he moved to his mom's just after Xmas. It has been almost 3 weeks.

 

I know he is seeing her, at least I'm almost positive, because when we talked about it before he left and I voiced my opinion that I didn't think it was ok that he have sex with her and spend time with her when we were married, he blurted out that we should just get divorced then. He later said that sometimes he blurts things out and does't mean them.

 

Anyway, since he left, I have been somewhat out of control, emailing, texting, sending him stuff from websites..just making a fool of myself. I finally have calmed down and now am wondering if I should just give up. I read an article from Marriage Builders that talked about coping with an affair and the resentment involved. Here is part of what it said:

 

But there is more to resent than just the number of affairs a husband had in the past. In many cases, an affair is discovered while it's going on, and the unfaithful spouse makes matters worse by choosing to be with the lover and abandoning the spouse and children. That thoughtless act is a huge source of additional resentment for the victimized spouse. He or she not only goes through the pain of discovering the affair, but must also go through the pain of being rejected. The unfaithful spouse often moves away to be with the lover, leaving the spouse all alone to face the terror of abandonment.

Then, if all of that weren't enough, the unfaithful spouse explains that he or she needs time to "sort out" feelings, whatever that means. It actually means that the unfaithful spouse will go to the highest bidder. Whoever makes the unfaithful spouse feel the best, the lover or the spouse, will win the prize of the unfaithful spouse. So he or she spends some time with the lover, and then spends some time with the spouse. Back and forth, trying to "get in touch" with feelings. Can you fathom the resentment that would follow such a horrifying and humiliating experience?

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

I now feel like I'm a fool and that I'm just waiting around for him to make a decision..and feel like I have lost my self respect. It makes me wonder what my friends who know what is going on, think of me. I know you will tell me that doesn't matter, it's what I think of myself..but that's the point..I don't feel very good. It's like being second choice. What is there to think through, really. If he loves me then we should be working things out and he should tell her to go away. I feel like I need to tell him I want a divorce.

 

I did tell him about a month ago that no matter what happens with us, I hate it here and plan to move. I am packing and planning to put the house up for sale in April. He thought that was a good idea. He doesn't want to be here either, but I don't see him quitting his job. I plan to move to where my kids are, ironically enough, it just happens to be where she moved also.

an update to this story..I originally posted this in another thread and was advised to make a new thread. Since then, I got his credit card statement in the mail (today) and I saw that he has been with her the past two weekends since he left. So I'm going to tell him it's over..I want the divorce and when I calm down we will need to get together and rationally talk about how to split things up so that the lawyers don't get it all. He said that he was moving to his mom's to "think things thru" but it's pretty obvious he's just trying to be nice so that I don't take him for all he's got, and so he can be with her.

 

Please help,

dearhunter

[tnttim]

a lot of people will try to convince to talk this out, or tell him cheating is wrong and you must now draw lines for him not to cross. That didn't work for me, I only post what have I done personally. I showed my wife the consequences of her cheating, I didn't tell her. I used the Homer method which I derived from a book call "stop your divorce" I also read some books on the opposite sex once I got her back. You have to stay no contact (NC for short) He will call you but you shouldn't call him. If you have a conversation with him you have to keep it about money and kids only. You should never talk about your feelings about the separation to him, or say I miss you, or I love you. If you want to move to a new town, I say do it. Let him figure out how to rear his kids, cook meals, set up daycare and manage a family on his own. Don't help him at all, you'll just enable his bad behavior. The point of this is to show him how life is without you. It will force him to think, and maybe force him to change. You can't change him, only he can do that, but you can enable the change. I can't guarentee he will want to come back, or change, but I can tell you the less you give him the more he will give you.

[dearhunter]

tnttim, Thanks for your response. We don't have kids together..the kids we do have are grown and don't live at home. When I move, he will just get an apartment or, (because he travels so much with his job), remain at his mom's since he's usually only home on weekends anyway. But now that I know he's not really thinking things thru like he told me he was doing..the proof from the credit card statement..I feel like there is no reason to stay in the marriage. He's just stringing me along to be with her without having to sneak around, and being nice to me to keep me from taking him to the cleaners financially. I saw this firsthand when he and and his first wife split up. He was nice to her so that she wouldn't take him for tons of child support. He's doing the same thing, in my opinion. So I need some resolution..I have been on this horrible rollercoaster for 2 months now, trying to show him what he's giving up if we divorce..he isn't getting it. And maybe never will. I'm losing my self-respect because of it.

 

I have not been intimate with him for almost a year now while he has been sneaking around having the time of his life. I want to have the time of my life too. Only I'll do it the right way. Take my time and find the right person and not while I'm married. I have lots to do before I even think about that, but it is my eventual goal.

 

Any other suggestions or ideas you have, are appreciated. I have a counseling appt tomorrow and will see a lawyer also. It's sad that it's come to this. I loved him so..he used to be such a wonderful man.

dearhunter

[nobmagnet]

mine seemed to be too. Im sooooo sorry darling. What a complete git. You have your aswer Its not what you wanted but its there. take a deep breath..........look to the sky and see what there is ahead of you! no more needy partners! honestly lowly sucks i hate him and what he is still doing but i have never felt more alive!!

 

 

you sound great. He is a worm. your better than this loveie

 

nobby xx

[hopesndreams]

Brought this over from the other thread.

 

But there's more. After vacillating back and forth a few times, the lover gets sick of it all and tosses the spouse out for good. With nowhere else to go, the unfaithful spouse comes back home. It wasn't his or her choice. It was the lover's choice. How would you feel being chosen because you were the only one left. Resentment doesn't begin to describe the feeling.

 

Yep, it all plays out as if from textbook. This is why it is extremely important for the BS to get their act together and make the choice for the WS. When the BS loses self-esteem, self-confidence and in the end, even hate themselves, it is an insurmountable task to find themselves again, but it can be done with much hard work, coming to terms with what took place but it can take years. During that time, life may seem not worth living and the despondency so great, recovery is beyond difficult. A BS needs to take control of their life, put themselves first and beyond everything else, love themselves and respect themselves enough to not put up with their cheating spouse for one minute longer. Only then would the WS might then see what is happening, otherwise, the WS gets the best of both worlds and faces no consequence or suffering.

 

He loves the both of ya? You know that's b*ll****, right? He only loves himself. If he truly loved you, he would not, WOULD NOT, put you through pain and agony.

 

-----------------------------

 

You're right. He is no longer the man you once knew. He's been whooping it up while your heart has been shattered, and he is the cause of that.

 

Good for you for ending it now. Seeing a lawyer, getting your ducks in a row, will empower you. Taking the control out of his hands well serve you well in the healing process. Your self-esteem will start to slowly come back, it takes time, and you will feel better than you ever did.

 

I know what you are about to do is extremely difficult but you need to do this to get your self-respect back. That is #1. You are #1.

 

You fought the good fight. That's all anyone can do. In the end, he chose to allow his selfishness to overrule him and you chose what's best for you in the long run. Ending the M now, which will save you from more fresh new hurts heaped upon you.

 

He may even want to come back to you, once he realizes what he has lost but by making yourself a priority, it will give you the strength for if/when he comes knocking, you can tell him to take a hike. You are worthy and deserve so much more than what this azzhat can give you.

 

Go complete NC. Any and all communication can be done through the lawyers. Going to IC will help you so much as well. Keep posting, this is your thread, many here can help with the transitions you will be facing.

[dearhunter]

Thanks for your input, guys. It makes me feel so much stronger to hear people cheer me on. I am feeling pretty good right now, about the decision to end the marriage. Kind of sick to my stomach, but I'm sure that's just nerves.

 

What kinds of things should I ask the lawyer on my initial visit?

dearhunter

[tnttim]

I am the recon guy, sorry have no lawyer advice, gunny is very good on the divorce and financial end of separation. Sunny can help you with the final break. The other LS vets can help here better than me.

[2.50 a gallon]

dh

 

Sorry to read that you find it necessary to be here, but on the other hand you will find friends here.

 

From the read, it sounds as if you have found a direction to move towards, this is good, as most of us had no idea which way to turn in the early days. Moving closer to your children is a solid idea.

 

How are you doing today?

 

You are right about the self respect. It sounds as if he is using you for a safe base to work from, if his new interest falls through, he is hoping to slide back home

 

I too have no clue as to what questions one needs to ask a lawyer. The best advise that I have seen is to document everything as it happens.

 

Please keep us up to date.

 

Gallon

[dearhunter]

2.50 a gallon, thanks for your reply. I went to see two lawyers today. Just to see what they would recommend under the circumstances..one said proceed with the divorce and skip the legal separation. He said what he's doing is wrong and that I need to move on. The other guy said that I should wait with either the divorce or legal separation. He said if he isn't taking out funds that I should just continue to pack, put the house up for sale and wait until it gets closer to being sold before I act on the divorce. If he takes all the money out of our accounts, he can bring an injunction in court that will make him put it back and pay the bills until we are divorced and get the details settled. He was a little bit wimpy and wishy-washy so I wouldn't choose him but he might be right about not starting something right now.

 

I would like to see the marriage work out and him come back, but I really think it's over and we are just going thru the motions. He's changed so much that I don't want to be with him the way he is anyway..I told him I want the husband I used to know, back..not this mean and alien person he has become. He has made his choice and it's not to be with me. So..I need to accept that and move on. I will go NC but not to get him to come back to me, it's because I am done and his behavior is so erratic it's freaking me out a little. I just can't continue with the farce..it's too fake and I'm not a game player. I just want to be done with it..he can have her..the manly, selfish bit**. She's homely as a mud fence too..I just don't get it. I'm not really as mad as I sound..more resigned and disappointed.

dearhunter

[tnttim]

Why is always the ugly ones, I truly didn't get it in the beginning of my S. As I looked back and glued the big picture together, I finally got it. Both of you created a void in each other, something you had that is now gone. It starts out with something little and then it grows into resentment. You think you can fix the void in him, so you try to be the perfect wife. You actually overwhelm them with love, and with your desire to change him. You think he has to fill the void himself, but he thinks you should fill the void. Then as time goes on a woman enters the picture, and interacts with him. Then all of sudden that void is filled, and he was right, someone else had to fill that void, he thinks "this is what my M is missing." He falls in love with the idea of having a family life, and a single life. Now he will fight to maintain both of his lives, he is complete now. Meanwhile you are wondering what the hell is going on. One day he loves me, the next day he hates me, did I miss something. (You missed the little things.) He didn't leave you out of hate, he left you because his feelings are very selfish. His feelings needed to be right, and once he was with OW his feelings needed to be justified.

 

I say give him a new feeling, PANIC.

[2.50 a gallon]

dh

 

I think you have figured out that he is not the man you are going to "have the time of your life with" I am sure that you will have plenty of volunters when you are ready.

 

You are right the old marriage is over, it will never be the same. Let them go.

 

Homely as a mud fence, they always cheat down. Do you want to live out your life with a man who chose a mud fence over you? You know you can do better and trade up

 

You mention in your first post retiring and enjoying your hobbies, I say start enjoying your hobbies now. Every moment spent with them, is a moment you are not thinking about him. Do anything to get you mind of of your situation, how about a jig saw puzzle.

 

Also take the time to fix yourself a good meal every night, try new recipies. Improve yourself.

 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing

 

Gallon

[dearhunter]

Hey guys..thanks for the support. How things can change in the blink of an eye. I woke up this morning and decided to tell my adult children what has been going on. I suspect they know some of it anyway..they found a book we were reading together about surviving an affair. Anyway, all three of them know and feel hurt and betrayed because he was like their dad..we have been together 20 years.

 

My H called this morning wanting to stop by and get the bills. I told him I'd leave them by the mailbox because after last time he was here it upset me to see him leave all over. He didn't know what to say. Then he called back a little while later and asked me to also put one of the other envelopes out there too. I spilled my guts and told him I knew about him meeting her every weekend..he admitted to meeting with her this past weekend..the only one not documented on the credit card statement. I told him that I just couldn't handle that he was seeing her and having sex with her every weekend and that we needed to calm down and then get together to divide things on paper so that it wouldn't cost so much in lawyer fees. Told him I thought he was in a fog, he agreed, told him that I hoped he would continue to see our counselor so that when he did come out of it he had a lifeline. Told him I was putting the house up for sale earlier than expected cause I just wanted out of here. And a few other things. So, now I suppose it's over. But I didn't want him the way he was anyway.

 

When I go NC now, it's because I can't stand to see him or talk to him. But even saying that..I know if he called me and said he was sorry and realized what he had done and wanted to go to counseling to work things out..I'd take him back and go to counseling. Silly me.

dearhunter

[Steadfast]

I'm sorry for not responding sooner dearhunter. This one slipped by me.

 

From what I've read, it seems you've done just about everything one could ask given the situation. And while going 'NC' (I'm not big on the abbreviations) certainly helps the healing and ability to distance yourself from the situation, it's also clear you're somewhat torn; wanting to know more about the other woman, your husband's motivation, even a desire to lash out at him. No real harm done, normal people have normal reactions.

 

Just make sure you don't get stuck. Winston Churchill once said 'When going through hell, keep going'. It's an up and down ride. Buckle up!

 

The last bit of advice I'll offer for now is to set boundaries. Whether spoken or not let your husband know exactly what -and what you're not- willing to tolerate. Once established, hold firm and consistent. Just because he's all over the place doesn't mean you have to be. Expect all kind of reactions; anger, abandonment, resentment, even pleas for sympathy. When it finally sinks in, the end result will be respect.

 

Without respect, there is no chance. The relationship is dead.

 

No one likes the thought of divorce, but we have a choice of being in, or out of a sick relationship. Personally, my pain and burden was greatly reduced when the cheating stopped. That is to say, there was no more cheating because there was no more wife.

 

Rest, eat and exercise. Love yourself. Learn and keep moving forward-

Edited January 22, 2010 by Steadfast

[curiou]

dearhunter,

 

Steadfast's very wise post reminds of a book I once read years ago, called Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. It was a breezy read, and in my more pitiful moments offered some psychological strength. It might make you feel better.

[laxman7m]

Home >> Introduction >> Is It Time to divorce ?

 

There is an old saying “Act in haste and repent at leisure”.

 

Are things as bad as you say? Have you put up with things long enough? Have you or your partner blown things out of all proportion? And so the list goes on and on.

 

One minute you are in each other's’ arms, the next you find yourself at arm’s length. You tell yourself, it’s their job; it’s their mother; it’s the children; it’s it’s it’s...... Again the list just goes on and on.

 

Right, there is a problem! Have you tried talking to them? Yes - but you go over the same ground in ever diminishing circles, the temperature rises and one or other slams the door.

 

Clearly you need help. A generation or two ago [or more] when large families were the norm you would have taken the advice of seasoned older relatives. Like your big sister / brother /aunt or Granny.Now large families do not exist and if they do they are miles away. But in this modern world they have been replaced by various professionals - there are various articles on divorce procedure like http://www.divorcexplained.com, counsellors, therapists, mediators and so on.

 

But just like the hardened alcoholic and smoker, you are unlikely to move forward and resolve the situation unless you take that simple step - admit you need help.

 

Just like a child learning to walk, once you make that first step, the rest comes naturally.

[2.50 a gallon]

dh

 

How are you doing today?

 

You were right to inform your children, I know it hurts, but at least they will have clarity and know what is going on.

 

Are you still planning on moving closer in the near future?

 

Also I forgot to warn you, the rollercoaster ride will take awhile to level out, it is just part of the healing process.

 

Gallon

[2sunny]

you are right to understand that as long as he is still seeing his OW there isn't a healthy chance at trying to reconnect for the M.

 

at this time, move forward... for YOU and your best interest. take care of yourself and do things that bring you happiness every day.

 

do not allow your happiness to be determined by what he is or isn't doing - just keep moving forward - positive movements for you and your well being... or being well.

 

hugs