Satisfaction Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Hello All, I was talking to guy online for a few weeks. We talked on the phone and met up once. The first time we met up we spent about 15 hours in each others company. We went out clubbing all night and then stayed talking and holding hands till 3 pm. We were talking after for a few days that but he suddenly just deleted me off facebook and MSN and now just won't talk to me at all. I think an ex may have made a reappearance or so because he told me he had been in a six year relationship and was getting over her. I had been trying to be cool with him because of that and was not as affectionate as I usually am in relationships. Its been about a week now, I have heard nothing at all and I know it was probably not meant to be but I am suffering here. What should I be doing here trying to divert my attention,should I get in his face, he told me where he works, should I get on with it and hopes he come back. I have been thinking over all of these things and they all seem to make complete sense to me but now I have written it down I feel so confused. Any suggestions
Vintage79 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 He made it pretty clear he wants you gone - deleting friends on Facebook - who really does that unless they want literally nothing to do with you, as it seems like more of a collection/trophy collection more than anything else. The fact that he's blatantly removing himself from you world and not responding to anything is bad. Finding him at work is stalking - don't do that, don't get in his business - all those things will lead to catastrophic failure. Move on and find some one who will appreciate you for who you are. In the end, you won't be able to figure out precisely what the motivations are for his actions - just accept that he's gone and you'll get bettter sooner than later - as you hardly knew the guy. Sorry if this is blunt, but I doubt many people on here will disagree. Good luck and warmest wishes!
tami-chan Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 He is married and his wife found out. Forget him.
boogieboy Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 If he is trying to get back with his ex, chances are it wont work out and he will be contacting you again in a couple weeks. Move on in the meantime....but really you shouldnt allow yourself to be used as a rebound.
Author Satisfaction Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Thank you guys, I'm pretty sure its someone else. I know you just can't spend so much time and effort with someone and just go to no contact whatsoever unless there is someone else. I didn't want to go to his work or anything but why would he go though the trouble of adding me on facebook telling me so much about him and his life if he knew that he couldn't continue(sorry the question mark sign is not working on this pc) I don't know if he is married or not, I just know it hurts!! Forgetting him is the problem though. I can't understand why I am expecting him to re appear I just can't explain it. I could never trust him again but I just keep hoping he will come back. How do I stop this , what is wronhg with me
tkgirl Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Thank you guys, I'm pretty sure its someone else. I know you just can't spend so much time and effort with someone and just go to no contact whatsoever unless there is someone else. I didn't want to go to his work or anything but why would he go though the trouble of adding me on facebook telling me so much about him and his life if he knew that he couldn't continue(sorry the question mark sign is not working on this pc) I don't know if he is married or not, I just know it hurts!! Forgetting him is the problem though. I can't understand why I am expecting him to re appear I just can't explain it. I could never trust him again but I just keep hoping he will come back. How do I stop this , what is wronhg with me probably because he will... same thing happened to me. Guy left me out of the blue but it didn't feel right and I kept expecting him to come back. My friends thought I was nuts... but lo and behold he did come back... 6 months later! Thing is I ended up getting hurt again... shocker I know! and sometimes wish he would have stayed gone. So the lesson here is... be careful what you wish for!
Author Satisfaction Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 He came back after 6 months? What did he say? Did he just cut you off completely? That's the part i'm having trouble with. I just got that feeling from the bottom of my heart with him and even though i've had relationships and i've been hurt before it hasn't hurt like this in a long time. I just feel like he really cares about me and is too embarrassed to say what he has done. Obviously if i'm guessing right, he loves her alot more and even though he cares about me he doesn't care sufficiently to at least make up some bullish lie. I don't really know anymore. I know it hurts though alot.
tkgirl Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 He came back after 6 months? What did he say? Did he just cut you off completely? That's the part i'm having trouble with. I just got that feeling from the bottom of my heart with him and even though i've had relationships and i've been hurt before it hasn't hurt like this in a long time. I just feel like he really cares about me and is too embarrassed to say what he has done. Obviously if i'm guessing right, he loves her alot more and even though he cares about me he doesn't care sufficiently to at least make up some bullish lie. I don't really know anymore. I know it hurts though alot. I'm sorry.. that totally sucks. He should really tell you what's going on instead of completely shutting you out. In my situation we dated for a couple months. When he ended it I was shocked... I thought things were going pretty good with us. He also tried to do the avoiding thing but I called him out on it. Maybe that's what you should do? Just say something like "I thought we really clicked but now you seem to have fallen off the face of the earth.. is everything ok?" or something like that. At this point what do you have to lose? Oh, and you asked me about what this guy said when he came back around after 6 months... he said he was sorry, that it was nothing I did and that he was in a weird place then and wanted to give it another go... we dated again for a few more months but he started getting all distant again. And the whole time I had my guard up waiting for him to bail on us again.. we never really stood a chance and I realize now I'm much better without him out of my life. I still care about him and want him to be happy and all that but I want more than he seemed willing to give me... Good Luck with your guy though... keep me posted!
confusedmuch Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Forgetting him is the problem though. I can't understand why I am expecting him to re appear I just can't explain it. I could never trust him again but I just keep hoping he will come back. How do I stop this , what is wronhg with me I went through something very similar not too long ago. Met a guy, fell head over heels for him and then it all stopped out of the blue. Never saw it coming. We had only dated for 2 weeks though... Anyway, it took me a good month to get over him but during that time I was a bit of a wreck. Couldn't have fun with anyone else. And of course I kept wishing and thinking that he would contact me again... But, I also changed my number and email so who knows, maybe he's tried by now, haha. However, I wouldn't even give him the time of day at this point even if he did get a hold of me somehow. There was another guy that I was very interested in and as far as I knew, it was mutual (actually, he seemed to be much more into me than I was into him). After about a month of talking on the phone every single day for hours each day (and um, one date), he suddenly just fell off the face of the earth. About 6 weeks later, he suddenly texts me again wanting to pick things back up. His text, and I quote "I should have listened to my gut and pursued you". No, thanks! Turns out he had met some other girl when he disappeared, found out after a month that she was a bitch and came running back. Hey, he did it once, what's to say he won't do it again?
Author Satisfaction Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I'm sorry.. that totally sucks. He should really tell you what's going on instead of completely shutting you out. In my situation we dated for a couple months. When he ended it I was shocked... I thought things were going pretty good with us. He also tried to do the avoiding thing but I called him out on it. Maybe that's what you should do? Just say something like "I thought we really clicked but now you seem to have fallen off the face of the earth.. is everything ok?" or something like that. At this point what do you have to lose? I did try texting him and asking him what was going on, saying why did you put so much effort into getting to know me if you were just going to disappear like that.But still nothing. I'm kind of used to guys disappearing because I won't give them what they want(normally sex, too quickly) but this is so strange to me. I feel like this will affect my ability to trust guys now. I seem to be good at filtering the obvious garbage but not so good at filtering the ones who are sensitive but flaky. So he came back and then went again? Gosh, what is wrong there? I wonder what his issue was. I'm glad you have got over him, though and hope you are dating someone better now!
Author Satisfaction Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I went through something very similar not too long ago. Met a guy, fell head over heels for him and then it all stopped out of the blue. Never saw it coming. We had only dated for 2 weeks though... Anyway, it took me a good month to get over him but during that time I was a bit of a wreck. Couldn't have fun with anyone else. And of course I kept wishing and thinking that he would contact me again... But, I also changed my number and email so who knows, maybe he's tried by now, haha. However, I wouldn't even give him the time of day at this point even if he did get a hold of me somehow. Hey, he did it once, what's to say he won't do it again? Oh my gosh, its just a thing that guys do, isn't it. I have also considered changing my number and email but I think its because I feel like I would take him back if he did come back. How did you get over him in the end? I don't want to think of him for the next month! He looked at my facebook pictures and somehow figured out where I work and was telling me that we should say that we met there instead of a dating site, so I know he could just show up at work anyway. I sit on a public desk, so I can't really block him like that. My ex used to show at my work like that, funny with my ex, how he just went completely psycho on me even though when I met him he was intent on playing me! I went out with him for 4 years and I just am not going through that kind of relationship again. I just feel like I am somehow attracting guys like this somehow. Do you get that feeling ever? Did you text the second guy back? What did you say to him?
Author Satisfaction Posted February 8, 2010 Author Posted February 8, 2010 So, I mostly over this guy. But today I writing on a comment about facebook and he's back in my head again. I just remembered the amount of trouble this guy went through, seriously. I meet this guy on a dating website and he tells me, that he remember me, from my previous profile, which I deleted like 5 month ago but he wasn't sure what to say to me and then I was gone. I added him on msn with a fake email address that I give to stranger but he still manages to find my facebook anyway and messages me and asks if I can add him on there. I get annoyed and asks him how he managed to find that out and he starts apologizing, I just think, you know what maybe he is just really infatuated. I've been infatuated, so I just addd, him. I add him at midnight then he emails me at 4 am to say , oh my goodness, I missed so much in your life. You should have been in my life ages ago. I messgae him back and tell him that he was too fresh from his break up then so its much better this way. I say there is still lots of time. About to days after, I meet up with him. I read all your twitter, he tells me. Every single post. Six months of twitter updates I have on there. I write crap on there, like, I am on the bus, I'm cold, I'm feeling sweaty. During our 15 hour chat I am telling him stuff, about my life and then he says yeah, you wrote about that on your twitter. He recognized my friend from my facebook photos and tells him, oh, I saw you in the pics when you guys were partying in [this place]. We were about to say goodbye and he tell me that we should work on a cover story about where we met as saying that dating site is not a good idea. He tells me we should say we met at my job, I'm like ok, that's fine. I had told him about my job but not where it was or what it was called but I just let it slide. I've had a psycho ex before and its much easier to show no panic when you find out he's been digging in your info. He gets home we talk on the phone, exchange a few emails, texts then, nothing. He deletes me off facebook and says nothing more. I just can't figure out what happened there. All this took two weeks to happen. Actually now I have written all that he does seem a bit crazy. Probably for the best I didn't go out with him. I would probably been on here, saying, my boyfriend is crazy, I found a keylogger attached to my computer and I think he is listening to all my conversations.He has a copy of my house key and I found him in my house when he was supposed to be at work! Anyway rant over.
sfveggie Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 Chatting for two weeks online and meeting once for 15 hours is NOT alot of time and energy to put into someone. You are strangers. You have no idea his real situation or true character. He, obviously, was just a player. It takes MONTHS or YEARS to get to know somebody. Stop trippin' about this jerk and let it go. He's not worth another 2 seconds of energy.
Rulebreaker Posted February 8, 2010 Posted February 8, 2010 The objectively correct answer is to let him go and do your best to forget about him. However, I tend to feel crazy until I get some closure so, without exception, I always do something ridiculous to confront him and make him tell me what's going on. Note that this is basically just a way to regain some control, and I'm trying to change that behavior pattern in myself. However, it has been effective as a short-term solution in the past and if you just can't stand it, go ahead and confront him, probably in a phone call (use *67 to block your # from showing up). But be prepared to be done with it after that. Again, I'm not recommending this. I recommend you just forget about him. But I know I've been unable to do that in the past.
Author Satisfaction Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 Chatting for two weeks online and meeting once for 15 hours is NOT alot of time and energy to put into someone. You are strangers. You have no idea his real situation or true character. He, obviously, was just a player. It takes MONTHS or YEARS to get to know somebody. Stop trippin' about this jerk and let it go. He's not worth another 2 seconds of energy. It wasn't just online, its fine never mind...you're right
Author Satisfaction Posted February 9, 2010 Author Posted February 9, 2010 The objectively correct answer is to let him go and do your best to forget about him. However, I tend to feel crazy until I get some closure so, without exception, I always do something ridiculous to confront him and make him tell me what's going on. Note that this is basically just a way to regain some control, and I'm trying to change that behavior pattern in myself. However, it has been effective as a short-term solution in the past and if you just can't stand it, go ahead and confront him, probably in a phone call (use *67 to block your # from showing up). But be prepared to be done with it after that. Again, I'm not recommending this. I recommend you just forget about him. But I know I've been unable to do that in the past. Ha ha, I though about doing this cos lack of closure drives me nuts. Its a while ago though now so I don't think I will now, also I have just read something about visualising your own closure. I think guys, well players do it all the time. They visualise her going straight away and shagging someone else. Remember all the nasty traits she had,viola, the relationship fades away like it never happened. Will be trying that! Hope it doesn't backfire like my multiple dating idea
tkgirl Posted February 9, 2010 Posted February 9, 2010 (edited) Ha ha, I though about doing this cos lack of closure drives me nuts. Its a while ago though now so I don't think I will now, also I have just read something about visualising your own closure. I think guys, well players do it all the time. They visualise her going straight away and shagging someone else. Remember all the nasty traits she had,viola, the relationship fades away like it never happened. Will be trying that! Hope it doesn't backfire like my multiple dating idea yeah.. the closure thing. I think it's something that us woman definitely get hung up on... unlike most guys that can just up and bail and not give things a second thought. I think in your case, since you didn't really know him very long and he bailed on you, maybe you had idealized him a little bit? Like he was this great guy that came into your life and just as quickly he vanished... never to be seen again.. and that makes it even more painful to think you may have lost someone so "wonderful". I know because that's what I did... I was so sad when he left the first time and it hurt like nothing I've felt before... and I've had my share of relationships. So when he came back I thought "aha! I did mean something to him!" and was so excited I didn't even think twice about taking him back... I thought we were "meant to be". Thing was, he was flaky as ever... that's just his MO... and now that he's out of my life (again) I KNOW I'm sooooo much better off! Anyho! I guess the point I'm trying to make is do whatever you can to get this guy out of your head... soon you'll be glad he's gone because really, a guy that does this kind of stuff is so not worth your time! Take it from someone who's been there! Edited February 9, 2010 by tkgirl
Author Satisfaction Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 So he texted me today. One week after Valentine's day. Saying he knows its been a while, hopes I've been okay and this is his new number. For 30 mins I couldn't do anything but sit incredulous, looking at my phone. I had hoped when he messaged me that there would be an apology attached or an explanation. He's so cold not even interested in giving me closure. Instead just waving himself like bait infront of a hungry fish. I find it so hard to understand how people do this. I'm not texting him but seriously...
tkgirl Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 So he texted me today. One week after Valentine's day. Saying he knows its been a while, hopes I've been okay and this is his new number. For 30 mins I couldn't do anything but sit incredulous, looking at my phone. I had hoped when he messaged me that there would be an apology attached or an explanation. He's so cold not even interested in giving me closure. Instead just waving himself like bait infront of a hungry fish. I find it so hard to understand how people do this. I'm not texting him but seriously... oh boy.. sounds like he could be the same guy! yes, do NOT take the bait, as tempting as it may be. He will only continue to treat you this way.. expecting you to run back into his arms the second he decides to give you a minute of his time. Then he'll have some lame excuse as to why he's disappeared for so long.. don't believe it. A guy that is into you... a guy that you deserve! would NOT treat you this way... delete his message... and then delete him from your life... like he did you. Good Luck!!!
tkgirl Posted February 22, 2010 Posted February 22, 2010 Thanks Tk mean alot no problem sweetie... hang in there, k? just keep telling yourself some guys are just too dumb to see how awesome you are.. and that you deserve the best!!! sorry you had to go through all that though... but I guess that's how we learn.
Author Satisfaction Posted February 22, 2010 Author Posted February 22, 2010 Thank you again! hugs just get the feeling that guys are completely clueless and seriously have no clue what they are doing. They just want to make sure no one can take advantage of them. Who knows? I need to find a way of weeding out confused boys!
tkgirl Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Thank you again! hugs just get the feeling that guys are completely clueless and seriously have no clue what they are doing. They just want to make sure no one can take advantage of them. Who knows? I need to find a way of weeding out confused boys! yep.. and when you find out how to weed out those confused boys please let me know! actually, I think it all comes down to knowing what we want... then not putting up with anything less. I've been thinking with about this a lot lately.. how guys can seem interested at first but then have no idea how to go about things after that. I try to cut them some slack, but after a while if they can't step up I'm done... life is too short. Have you read "He's Just Not That Into You"? At first I was against that whole thing, thinking that guys just don't know what they want.. but then I finally started reading it and could not put it down! There's a lot of good info and I highly recommend it for girls like us!
mortensorchid Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 He's not interested for whatever reason. Don't spend so much time wondering why. When you got together you were just ships that passed in the night. Like so many people, it's not a big deal.
TO_Girl Posted February 23, 2010 Posted February 23, 2010 Just wanted to add that speaking of NC.. I once dated someone for 6 months . One day he started going distant and then he called me to tell me that he could never love me , after that he dessapeared. ONE YEAR later, and mind you for one reason or another I changed my cel, I moved homes, changed my email and he somehow managed to get a hold of my mom!! He told her he realized how much he had in me and that he hasnt met anyone like me in that time and that he wanted to marry me ..lol He then asked my mom to please plese help him convince me to talk to him again. My mom told him, that it is his job to repair things and I just told him that sorry, after one year I had moved one. This guys just think that because we are loving , we will be standing at the same spot one year later , even after everything they do. Personally once I move on, I move on, I just dont feel like being with someone who had no problem to leave me behind.
Recommended Posts