She's not ready for a relationship

[Gcm]

Hey guys,

 

New to this board and this is my first post. Apologies for the wall of text; I simply felt as though I needed to give everyone some backround information in order to receive some strong advice about my current situation. If you're after a TL;DR version, please scroll down to the bottom of this post.

 

So I've been seeing this girl that I work with for the last 6 months. I know, you might be thinking that alarm bells should've gone off immediately seeing as I work with her, but we work shift work and are on different rotations in different departments. I barely see her at work so I guess this isn't really much of an issue.

 

I'm 27 and this girl is 21. She was in a 5 year relationship which ended at the start of 2009. Her ex went on a boat cruise and when he returned, he told her that he didn't want to be with her. He either saw the potential that was out there and wanted to be single, or he cheated on her; I'm thinking it's the latter.

 

She tried to work things out with him for about 3 months after he called it quits but to no avail as he wanted nothing to do with her.

 

We started seeing eachother around July last year. She started emailing me and one thing lead to another. So she was 6 months out of an extremely long relationship (this guy was her first for everything) and I was only a month out of my last.

 

So seeing as we both had a bit of baggage, we took everything relatively slow. We were intimate almost immediately but didn't open up to one another and stuck with the "friends with benefits" term for quite some time.

 

Now about two months ago, she met up with her ex. Before I continue, I'll let you know that there's one thing I really admire about this girl that was different to my ex - she's honest. She treats how she wants to be treated and is upfront about everything.

 

Nothing happened when she met up with her ex and this was vouched for through a mutual friend. She simply told her ex that she was seeing someone and he hit the roof. From that day forward, he started messaging / calling her trying to organise a catch up. She told me all about this but didn't pursue anything.

 

It's a case of "wow, I can't believe she actually moved on, oh well, time to try to reel her back in". She knows this and was hurt by the fact that he only showed interest again (after close to a year) because he knew someone else was in the picture.

 

While her ex was calling her and messaging her, she told me that she still did miss him (understandably, due to the amount of time they were together) and wasn't sure what she wanted with us. That said, she also told me that she didn't want me to back off.

 

I have far too much pride and have no problem finding women. So with that, I told her I was backing off to let her clear her head. I told her that while I was in the picture, she didn't have time to miss me, if she was going to at all.

 

She came back into my life two days later. She had messaged me throughout those days and I responded with "to the point" replies that showed no real emotion. When she came back, she told me that she missed me heaps and told her ex that she'd moved on, she told him to do the same thing. That night, he sent her a text, she showed me. It was just him asking her how she was and what she was upto. She didn't reply to it.

 

Now fast forward to late December. She came over my place on Boxing day (during the evening). I was at a friends house and left early to meet her back at mine. She asked me where I told my friends I was going. I told her that I'd told them I was going to see my booty call (just to get a reaction from her). She didn't really comment on this but left my house within an hour of being there; this has never been the case in the past.

 

As she was on her way home, she messaged me saying "Sorry for leaving early, I was just a bit offended by the booty call comment. I don't like being seen as your booty call".

 

I phoned her when she was on her way home and decided to break the ice. We'd been now seeing eachother for 5 months and didn't really know where we stood. After a long conversation, she told me that she thought we'd been in a relationship for the last month and continued to tell me that's what she wanted. So from that night, I guess we were official, well, for at least 5 days.

 

During those 5 days I could tell she was "different". It wasn't the way she was acting or what she was saying, there was just something there telling me that things weren't the same.

 

She eventually told me that she didn't think she was ready for a relationship. She'd been in one for 5 years and had never been single in her life. She's scared of falling in love with me and doesn't want to go through the hurt that she'd been through.

 

Here's the reason: She's going overseas in the middle of the year for 6 weeks. She booked this trip after breaking up with her ex. I can appreciate the fact that she doesn't want commitment and actually told her that we'd cross that bridge when we got there.

 

I'm a fairly laid back guy, to the point that if she was my girlfriend, I'd allow her to do what she wanted for those 6 weeks. She laughed it off and told me that if we continued at the rate we were going, then there's no chance she'd fool around overseas as she can see herself falling in love with me and just couldn't do it.

 

Personally, I think she's backing off as she wants to ensure that she has no emotional attachment to anyone while she's overseas. I'm still seeing this girl at least 3 times a week and we're still being intimate. We act like a couple, walk around with arms around eachother, our friends think we're a couple, but technically, we're not.

 

She's a good looking girl and constantly has guys hitting on her. I don't have a problem with this and generally just laugh it off. One night she was out with her friends and phoned me from outside of the club. We spoke for close to an hour and in that time, I heard 5 guys in the backround trying to pick her up but to no avail. What she does when I'm not around really isn't any of my concern. She's told me that we need to be honest with eachother if / when we "hook up" with other people.

 

On paper, that might look fine. In reality, the moment we're both (if it happens) hooking up with other people, what we have is going to go downhill quite fast. I'm strange in that regard, I mean, I have no problem with her playing hookups overseas but I think I'd pull away the moment she told me that she'd hooked up with someone from around here.

 

She still misses her ex, I know she does. That said, as soon as I back off, she misses me too. Between myself, her ex, her trip overseas, her parents going through a divorce, I think she just has too much on her plate at the moment.

 

What confuses me is the fact that I didn't really want a relationship with this girl, not this soon anyway. It was her that somewhat pushed for it only to go back to our old ways a few days later.

 

So dear members of Loveshack, what would you do in my situation? Would you continue the whole "friends with benefits" thing until she returns from her 6 week overseas trip and see where things go from there, or would you completely back off seeing as feelings are getting stronger now on my part?

 

I do like this girl, and yeah, feelings have been getting stronger for myself also, especially after she'd opened up to me. I'm glad that she's been honest about things and didn't continue what we had until the night before she went overseas. A few months ago, I wouldn't even be on here writing a wall of text. I was rather "meh" about everything. Now though, things are different, I really like this girl and I don't know if I should call it quits completely.

 

TL;DR: Girl I've been seeing for 6 months going overseas mid-year. Doesn't want a relationship and isn't looking for one until she gets back. She got out a 5 year relationship not long ago and booked this trip when she was single so I can understand where she's coming from.

 

Scared of falling in love and has taken a step back. She wanted a relationship when I didn't but I thought I'd try things out anyway. A few days later, she wasn't sure on what she wanted so we're back to our "friends with benefits" title. She's a good girl who's been honest since day one.

 

Now that I have feelings for her too, I don't know if I should continue "seeing" her knowing that w'ere not exclusive or if I should just call it quits completely.

[MyNameIsJonas]

So dear members of Loveshack, what would you do in my situation? Would you continue the whole "friends with benefits" thing until she returns from her 6 week overseas trip and see where things go from there, or would you completely back off seeing as feelings are getting stronger now on my part?

 

It sounds to me that the reason she was so taken back by your "booty call" reference, despite your harmless intentions, was that her ex was probably a bit of a db who may have made similar comments to her. When you made that comment, bad memories came rushing back and made her question whether or not you would turn out to be the same type of guy thus yielding the same result: heartbreak for her.

 

First off, don't buy into the whole "I should back off because I am getting feelings" bs. That sounds like that mindless crap I see on the askmen.com articles from "Dr. Love" and that David DeAngelo a**hat. If you have feelings for a woman, you should keep things the way they are then pick your moment to tell her how you feel. I apologize for the mini-rant here but I am really sick of hearing this crap.

 

Anyway, regarding your specific situation, since you two aren't exclusive yet, I would give her space during this trip she has planned. I know this goes against what I just said but when a woman goes on a vacation, particularly one that is a long distance from you, especially if its out of the country, it's her time and you should respect it as such. Leave her alone unless she contacts you, short of an e-mail every so often, like once a week or so.

 

When she gets back in town, give her a few days to get settled, come off the high of the trip, and basically come back down to reality. After those few days have passed, assuming she hasn't contacted you yet, give her a call. If she picks up or returns a missed call, set up a time to see her and go from there. My guess is that there is little risk that she will blow you off or anything because she seems to respect you as a friend at the very least, and the whole problem is whether or not she wants to be with you. That is her decision and there is really nothing you can do to push her to a relationship. I would just lay off the db-ish comments since you know that hits a nerve with her and that would work against you in the future.

Edited January 17, 2010 by MyNameIsJonas
I can't write

[paddington bear]

Yeah the booty call comment was unnecessary and mean. She didn't know you were trying to get a reaction to her and maybe didn't mean it. I'm guessing your pride or feelings were hurt and it was a small way of hitting back at her.

 

She sounds confused. Ultimately the ex's ploy is working, even if she knows what he's doing, it is still working because he's back in her head and messing up her relationship to you.

 

The question you need to ask yourself is: do YOU want to continue with this FWB situation? If yes, carry on but tell her that that's all it is and ever will be because of her 'confusion'. Or, if not, tell her you know what you want, a proper relationship with her and until she's got her ex out of her system you can no longer see her - and follow through on that, don't see her any more. You'll only get hurt.

 

The thing about people who are 'confused' when there's an ex still in the picture, an ex still in their minds is that they ruin everything for themselves. It's obvious in this case that her ex is only paying her attention because he can't have her now, if she went back to him they would inevitably split up again, so she wouldn't get him anyway. But she is right now, ruining her relationship with you due to him as well, so she will lose you too. She needs to figure herself out, she needs to draw a line in the sand and tell the ex to F off and stop contacting her or stop seeing you and go back to him. It's pretty simple. She's the one making it confusing. Kid in a candy shop 'hmmm which one shall I choose?' without realising she will lose both if she carries on in this way.

[Gcm]

She was over at my place yesterday as she had the day off so we spent the day together. I made an effort (didn't last long) not to touch her or show any affection until she instigated it.

 

We're still "sleeping" together so I guess the plus side to this is the fact that I know she's not sleeping with anyone else. 1. She's told me many of times that she's a one guy girl. 2. She would tell me if that was the case as she'd expect that in return.

 

It's my Nephews birthday on Sunday and she wants to come and spend the day with myself and the family. It's things like this that I don't exactly understand. If one is not ready for a relationship and is trying to distance themselves, why would they be interested in spending time with my family at social outings? I mean, to others, it's going to look like we're actually a couple.

 

I've been playing my cards right - so I believe. She's generally the first to make contact with myself and as of late, I haven't been dropping everything / changing plans to spend time with her. It was always her that showed initiative in making plans, but I used to always accept to her offerings. I now feel as though I'm slowly backing off to save the heartache (on both ends).

 

If she decides to confront me with "you've changed", "things are different", etc etc, I'll simply tell her that she wanted the FWB title and that I'm allowing her to clear her head / giving her space as I feel it's what she needs.

 

Thanks for the replies guys.

[sagetalk]

There are a great deal of land mines here, tread very carefully.

[Gcm]

There are a great deal of land mines here, tread very carefully.

 

Elaborate if you can please.

[sagetalk]

I work with her,

 

We were intimate almost immediately but didn't open up to one another and stuck with the "friends with benefits"

Now about two months ago, she met up with her ex.

 

he started messaging / calling her trying to organise a catch up.

 

she still did miss him and wasn't sure what she wanted with us.

 

We'd been now seeing eachother for 5 months and didn't really know where we stood.

 

she didn't think she was ready for a relationship.

 

She's scared of falling in love with me

 

we need to be honest with eachother if / when we "hook up" with other people.

 

She still misses her ex, I know she does.

 

her parents going through a divorce,

 

I didn't really want a relationship with this girl, not this soon anyway.

 

 

I got tired of finding them. That is one heck of a mine field. If you walk through that without getting blown up, you have accomplished something. Like I said before, tread carefully.

[Gcm]

Reading back at the points you made, yeah, these are rather dangerous waters.

 

The thing is, I think I'm an okay looking guy and don't really lack any confidence. I don't normally fall for many girls and it's usually ME taking that step back when relationship bells are ringing.

 

However, this time the roles are reversed and I guess I don't know if I'm now more interested in this girl seeing as she's the one who's taken the step back for the time being. Don't get me wrong, I have been interested in her since day dot and wouldn't continue "seeing" her if this wasn't the case.

 

I think that my feelings have grown stronger ever since she told me that she had feelings for me and was scared of falling in love with me. They grew even stronger when she took a step back. Wanting what I can't have seems to be one of my downfalls.

 

I'm not going to hook up with anyone else while I'm "seeing" her. I'm going to take every day as it comes and wait until she A. Starts playing hook ups. B. Tries to patch things up with her ex. C. Comes back and tells me that she's ready to take things further.

 

The moment I hook up with someone else, I know things are going to be different on my part. As much as she says we're not exclusive and that I can do what I want, I know it's going to hurt her when theory turns into practical.

[dazzle22]

She is only 21 and was in one relationship before you for 5 yrs. And you are young too. I think that when people are this young they should hold all relationships much more loosely. You simply don't know yourself yet, you really don't. She doesn't know herself either, and her remarks about being free for the trip are really more about that than about you.

 

I never could have envisioned at 21 who I am now at 53, and at least 80% of the people who mean anything to me, I hadn't even met at 21 yet. You both should play the field a bit more.

 

Now, this is just my "old fogie" soap box,...a lot of people won't agree, but playing the field doesn't mean sleeping with everyone. Sex is supposed to bond people together, it is an intimate act, and then people act so surprised when they do this and get confused and can't stay in the FWB box. You can date others, get to know them, but you don't have to sleep with them. Then if the two of you want to get back together, there is none of that weird, so where was your vayjay/penis while I was gone. I know, hopelessly oldfashioned, but trust me, much less complicated and drama filled.!