LDR Blues... how to stay positive ?

[thetitan]

Help me understand whats going on. This is my second long distance relationship going this way... First off, we want to save the relationship, and are willing to work for it. I know I have just whined in this message, and her side of the story is different.

 

Apologies for the long post.. here goes -

 

I was in a painful Long Distance Relationship for 5 years which ended in a bad breakup. But after 3 years I was in love again (LDR! damn!). This time it was a girl at the place I worked at. We hung out a lot together, and I tried to convey my feelings to her in many ways, but she never agreed (she's orthodox in these matters). But then it was time for me to move to other side of the globe for work, and I still told her I loved her. On the day I was leaving town, she said yes (maybe cuz we were never gonna see each other again?). But we are not the same religion and age (I am younger), and she was worried about her family. So it outright started as a marriage proposal of sorts.. freaked me out a bit, but I was willing to do anything for her. (I am from Asia, where still arranged marriages are the norm.) I moved out immediately after this, but we continues convincing both our families over the next 10-12 months, and finally they agreed to everything.

 

First year -

We texted a lot, I sent many postal letters (got back just one reply...), emailed and called often, everything was perfect. Initially I did not have much money to travel round the globe (I am in West Coast currently), but as soon as I got some money and time, I went home for some time. In all we spent a few hours together during that trip and each minute was wonderful. After coming back, being in different time zones (almost 12hrs difference) and both of us working, doesn't help things and it is becoming increasingly for her to find time for me (workload) and she lives alone where she works, so she has to take care of everything at her home too.. She doesn't like emailing much either, and we do not talk when she is with friends/family or at office (which happens pretty often). We never have had any intimate talks on phone, and whenever I tried she backs off. We both trust each other enough that the other wouldn't cheat, but I have my needs and not being able to even talk about them with her is pretty frustrating..

 

Completed 1 year without a single fight by now, I trusted her a lot, and LDR was not an issue -

Off late the communication gap has been increasing. A few months after my first visit home, She went for a trip with her friends (I was promised a ton of photos from the trip, but was never sent many, and I whined a lot about that)... At this point distance had started taking its toll, and I started feeling that we were not giving enough time to the relationship (or she to me). Things were a bit bad, but I made a second trip back home. We had planned to meet for long times (this was my 2nd trip in 1 year and we had had only about 6-8hrs together in 1 year!). As I said she is pretty orthodox, and we were still in the process of convincing our parents.. I reached home, but she flipped out on me at the last moment, and wouldn't let me come to visit the town where she worked. She came to my town and we had a "date" at a coffee shop for an hour or two, but I was pretty angry. Anyways, I did go to her work town (despite her saying no...), and she wanted to meet. We saw hung out with other common friends, and I almost had no time alone with her. She also found all the reasons to avoid meeting while I was there. I never doubted that she was confused about things between us till then. I never saw the signals and had a torturous time trying to fit her actions to the relationship and trust I thought we had. Her reason was that parents wouldn't approve.. I had high hopes for our meeting, and this led to much negativity coming in me, and it affected everything henceforth..

 

I came back to west coast and got busy with life -

she still was not finding much time for me, and I was also very busy for these 3 months. Our parents had agreed to everything by now. However, things went from bad to worse for us, and I realized maybe she was confused about us and had felt that she had committed a mistake by agreeing to this relationship at the first place and felt obliged and couldn't back off. She said that she was confused but doesn't think that commitment was a mistake. I was heartbroken, devastated and lost a lot of trust.... (maybe this is why she avoided meeting me last time I went home...?). This was in November, immediately after this.. She went for a trip again and didn't bother calling me when she was back. I thought she was out of mobile coverage area, but later came to know that she wasn't. It hurt me very badly to know this.. off late I have realized that I do not have a life outside of her, and not many friends here. I feel like giving everything to the relationship, and many times avoid long commitments so that we'll still have time to talk. By this time the phone-carrier had acted up and due to technical problems I can no longer receive any of her texts. (that was a major channel of communication).

 

She thinks I have been whining/complaining a lot and it bugs her too (and I feel that I am doing this too).. I dislike myself being so needy (keep looking at phone for calls), and immature and am really want things to work out. Am planning to go back home again in 2 months. Can not understand what behavior would be okay from me, should I ask her to give me time, or let her figure out what she wants to do when I am there? What should I do to make things easy for both her, and myself? I am giving her space and playing tit for tat (I call her once, and next time let her call however long it might take). I do feel the urgency for communication a lot and feel that I have been sulking too much. (believe me one cant be cheerful on phone after sulking too much)..

 

Last few weeks have been a series of ups and downs, and I can not stop thinking of her or analyzing the situation. It is draining all my life energy and am losing interest in things. We discussed everything and committed to talk at fixed times at least twice a week (sounds like a strange thing to do.. but maybe it'll work). However bleak maybe the chances that we can fix this, we want to give it a really good try. But the negativity is weighing down all the talks we have. I do not want to be pushy and smother her with "we should fix it" or "I need/miss you" all the time, but then again I am afraid of losing the beautiful relation we had as friends first and then as a couple. I try not to be in touch or to pull back but that makes me think even more of her....

 

Any advice or words of wisdom? How can I bring positivity to my thoughts? I know things are not so bad, and we CAN make it work. Its just a mental block and things have built up so much that its taking time to diffuse all the tension. But this is killing me, and I feel I am making an extremely neurotic and unattractive impression on my SO

[Sparkling]

Help me understand whats going on. This is my second long distance relationship going this way... First off, we want to save the relationship, and are willing to work for it. I know I have just whined in this message, and her side of the story is different.

 

Apologies for the long post.. here goes -

 

I was in a painful Long Distance Relationship for 5 years which ended in a bad breakup. But after 3 years I was in love again (LDR! damn!). This time it was a girl at the place I worked at. We hung out a lot together, and I tried to convey my feelings to her in many ways, but she never agreed (she's orthodox in these matters). But then it was time for me to move to other side of the globe for work, and I still told her I loved her. On the day I was leaving town, she said yes (maybe cuz we were never gonna see each other again?). But we are not the same religion and age (I am younger), and she was worried about her family. So it outright started as a marriage proposal of sorts.. freaked me out a bit, but I was willing to do anything for her. (I am from Asia, where still arranged marriages are the norm.) I moved out immediately after this, but we continues convincing both our families over the next 10-12 months, and finally they agreed to everything.

 

First year -

We texted a lot, I sent many postal letters (got back just one reply...), emailed and called often, everything was perfect. Initially I did not have much money to travel round the globe (I am in West Coast currently), but as soon as I got some money and time, I went home for some time. In all we spent a few hours together during that trip and each minute was wonderful. After coming back, being in different time zones (almost 12hrs difference) and both of us working, doesn't help things and it is becoming increasingly for her to find time for me (workload) and she lives alone where she works, so she has to take care of everything at her home too.. She doesn't like emailing much either, and we do not talk when she is with friends/family or at office (which happens pretty often). We never have had any intimate talks on phone, and whenever I tried she backs off. We both trust each other enough that the other wouldn't cheat, but I have my needs and not being able to even talk about them with her is pretty frustrating..

 

Completed 1 year without a single fight by now, I trusted her a lot, and LDR was not an issue -

Off late the communication gap has been increasing. A few months after my first visit home, She went for a trip with her friends (I was promised a ton of photos from the trip, but was never sent many, and I whined a lot about that)... At this point distance had started taking its toll, and I started feeling that we were not giving enough time to the relationship (or she to me). Things were a bit bad, but I made a second trip back home. We had planned to meet for long times (this was my 2nd trip in 1 year and we had had only about 6-8hrs together in 1 year!). As I said she is pretty orthodox, and we were still in the process of convincing our parents.. I reached home, but she flipped out on me at the last moment, and wouldn't let me come to visit the town where she worked. She came to my town and we had a "date" at a coffee shop for an hour or two, but I was pretty angry. Anyways, I did go to her work town (despite her saying no...), and she wanted to meet. We saw hung out with other common friends, and I almost had no time alone with her. She also found all the reasons to avoid meeting while I was there. I never doubted that she was confused about things between us till then. I never saw the signals and had a torturous time trying to fit her actions to the relationship and trust I thought we had. Her reason was that parents wouldn't approve.. I had high hopes for our meeting, and this led to much negativity coming in me, and it affected everything henceforth..

 

I came back to west coast and got busy with life -

she still was not finding much time for me, and I was also very busy for these 3 months. Our parents had agreed to everything by now. However, things went from bad to worse for us, and I realized maybe she was confused about us and had felt that she had committed a mistake by agreeing to this relationship at the first place and felt obliged and couldn't back off. She said that she was confused but doesn't think that commitment was a mistake. I was heartbroken, devastated and lost a lot of trust.... (maybe this is why she avoided meeting me last time I went home...?). This was in November, immediately after this.. She went for a trip again and didn't bother calling me when she was back. I thought she was out of mobile coverage area, but later came to know that she wasn't. It hurt me very badly to know this.. off late I have realized that I do not have a life outside of her, and not many friends here. I feel like giving everything to the relationship, and many times avoid long commitments so that we'll still have time to talk. By this time the phone-carrier had acted up and due to technical problems I can no longer receive any of her texts. (that was a major channel of communication).

 

She thinks I have been whining/complaining a lot and it bugs her too (and I feel that I am doing this too).. I dislike myself being so needy (keep looking at phone for calls), and immature and am really want things to work out. Am planning to go back home again in 2 months. Can not understand what behavior would be okay from me, should I ask her to give me time, or let her figure out what she wants to do when I am there? What should I do to make things easy for both her, and myself? I am giving her space and playing tit for tat (I call her once, and next time let her call however long it might take). I do feel the urgency for communication a lot and feel that I have been sulking too much. (believe me one cant be cheerful on phone after sulking too much)..

 

Last few weeks have been a series of ups and downs, and I can not stop thinking of her or analyzing the situation. It is draining all my life energy and am losing interest in things. We discussed everything and committed to talk at fixed times at least twice a week (sounds like a strange thing to do.. but maybe it'll work). However bleak maybe the chances that we can fix this, we want to give it a really good try. But the negativity is weighing down all the talks we have. I do not want to be pushy and smother her with "we should fix it" or "I need/miss you" all the time, but then again I am afraid of losing the beautiful relation we had as friends first and then as a couple. I try not to be in touch or to pull back but that makes me think even more of her....

 

Any advice or words of wisdom? How can I bring positivity to my thoughts? I know things are not so bad, and we CAN make it work. Its just a mental block and things have built up so much that its taking time to diffuse all the tension. But this is killing me, and I feel I am making an extremely neurotic and unattractive impression on my SO

 

I read this over a couple of times. I am not sure how best to help you because what she said to you about wanting it to work and how she acts seems contradictory.

 

I think the best thing you can do to bring back positive thoughts into your life is to get out and find some friends, go explore and venture out to places of interest to you. If you sit home alone brooding about her, you aren't doing yourself any favors...or her. In a relationship, nobody should be expected to sit home alone with no friends or outside activities just for the other person.

 

I am not convinced she is as devoted to this relationship as you are. From what you say, it appears to be more one-sided, with you doing all of the reaching out. Of course you would feel hurt and angry for her lack of interest being shown to you. She just may be feeling guilty and telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Her actions aren't showing love.

 

When she refused to allow you to come to her home, my first reaction was to think she had some other guy there she was interested in and didn't want you to meet up with him or hear about him...then she later met with you, so again, I wasn't sure what to think. No wonder you are confused too!

 

I am glad to hear that your family cares enough about your happiness to say ok to a marriage that isn't arranged!!! It shows they love you to put your desires ahead of their own.

 

My best suggestion is TO GO OUT AND MEET SOME NEW PEOPLE AND HAVE SOME FUN!!! Don't sit around waiting for her to call...most likely she won't. She is going out with her friends and not sitting around waiting for you...SO GO OUT!! When you do talk to her, you will have something interesting to say about the places you went, people you met...and it just might?? get her to thinking of you as a person of interest again.

 

If she continues to be distant, take the hint and move on!! Most women would be thankful they had a loyal, trustworthy guy in an LDR and appreciate it!!

 

If you are on the west coast USA or Canada...you have some amazing activities available and adventures awaiting you. Have some fun!!!

[zebracolors]

Not going to lie to you, LDRs are tough. Of course I don't have to tell you that, as you've been in one before. I'm in one myself, and even though its going fine, there are times when it feels like it's straining my will and hard to get happy.

 

Honestly, just from what I read, it seems to me that she might have gotten second thoughts about the relationship or at least about it having to be over a distance. You clearly want things to work out, and are committed to her, but I can't tell if the same can be said of her. You told us the situation up until recently but how is it now? If she is still talking to you, that's probably a good sign, even if she's concerned over the needy attitude. Also I think she is already aware that there are issues to work out here, so that and definitely things like "I miss you" kind of go without saying sometimes. But in any relationship, communication is a key to success and you've got to get her to be honest with you about the bigger issues.

 

So, having that all I can do is suggest of course. But why not do something that interests you. Maybe go do more things with friends or take up a hobby you've always wanted. Just suggestions, ultimately you know best what would help take your mind off this so much.

 

You've got to get out of the trench you're sinking into by letting this burdon seep through your mind. Keep in mind I'm not saying give up on her, or the LDR. Its just I know kind of what you're going through and its so easy to just drive yourself crazy by letting thoughts of the other consume you, especially when you can't do anything about it. You can do this and still give her her space. Hope this helps, good luck to you.

[thetitan]

Thank you for the quick reply guys.. this is just my side of the events, and definitely pretty biased..

 

I read this over a couple of times. I am not sure how best to help you because what she said to you about wanting it to work and how she acts seems contradictory.

 

Well, I felt the same initially, but I would not blame her, I have been a bit too needy and breathing down her neck. I try to stop but dunno how to.. I want the complete trust back that we had initially..

 

I think the best thing you can do to bring back positive thoughts into your life is to get out and find some friends, go explore and venture out to places of interest to you. If you sit home alone brooding about her, you aren't doing yourself any favors...or her. In a relationship, nobody should be expected to sit home alone with no friends or outside activities just for the other person.

I went out to gym and played a outdoor sport. Will try to keep up with this. The thing is I can not keep running from this thought throughout the day, right now am at home, and she's the only thing on my mind... :-(

 

I am not convinced she is as devoted to this relationship as you are. From what you say, it appears to be more one-sided, with you doing all of the reaching out. Of course you would feel hurt and angry for her lack of interest being shown to you. She just may be feeling guilty and telling you what she thinks you want to hear. Her actions aren't showing love.

Well, for the next 3-4 months, I will try and fully convince myself that she does want it all and just that she doesn't know how to (or is too shy). But if things still seem the same way after this time frame, will do a serious rethink. This was advice from a friend..

 

When she refused to allow you to come to her home, my first reaction was to think she had some other guy there she was interested in and didn't want you to meet up with him or hear about him...then she later met with you, so again, I wasn't sure what to think. No wonder you are confused too!

In this department, I have complete trust on "us"

However, not meeting was pretty traumatic cuz I never believed that not wanting to meet was a possibility..

 

My best suggestion is TO GO OUT AND MEET SOME NEW PEOPLE AND HAVE SOME FUN!!! Don't sit around waiting for her to call...most likely she won't. She is going out with her friends and not sitting around waiting for you...SO GO OUT!! When you do talk to her, you will have something interesting to say about the places you went, people you met...and it just might?? get her to thinking of you as a person of interest again.

Difficult to accept that one is not others top priority. Sometimes I feel I never matured and am again losing myself in the relationship.. just giving it too much time, and expecting too much. There are rare phases when I am able to convince my mind to just let things be, and that makes me super happy, and we talk like we used to, and everythings back to normal. It is pure bliss...

 

But then the nagging inner-voice has to start, and things go down. I know she loves the care-free me, and I love being that too. Should I try meditation or something? Therapy?

 

If she continues to be distant, take the hint and move on!! Most women would be thankful they had a loyal, trustworthy guy in an LDR and appreciate it!!

 

If you are on the west coast USA or Canada...you have some amazing activities available and adventures awaiting you. Have some fun!!!

 

Thank you for the insightful reply Sparkling, I'll keep the post updated about developments..

[thetitan]

Not going to lie to you, LDRs are tough. Of course I don't have to tell you that, as you've been in one before. I'm in one myself, and even though its going fine, there are times when it feels like it's straining my will and hard to get happy.

 

How do you diffuse the tension in these times, I think having something to diffuse the tension will really help me too.. Once some negativity comes in mind, I just can not have a happy conversation, and given the less amount of times we talk, it really hurts both of us.. (and leaves a lingering bad feeling)..

 

Honestly, just from what I read, it seems to me that she might have gotten second thoughts about the relationship or at least about it having to be over a distance. You clearly want things to work out, and are committed to her, but I can't tell if the same can be said of her. You told us the situation up until recently but how is it now? If she is still talking to you, that's probably a good sign, even if she's concerned over the needy attitude. Also I think she is already aware that there are issues to work out here, so that and definitely things like "I miss you" kind of go without saying sometimes. But in any relationship, communication is a key to success and you've got to get her to be honest with you about the bigger issues.

Okay I'll try and skip the mostly daily miss/love you messages.. Yes she is still talking, and we mostly never "argue" as such, we just become very sad. She realizes that she needs to talk more often, and has said that she'll work on it.. But my needy attitude (and constant questions, at times ..) I think put her off a lot.. I think of stopping.. but many times can not.. it is a real problem..

 

You've got to get out of the trench you're sinking into by letting this burdon seep through your mind. Keep in mind I'm not saying give up on her, or the LDR. Its just I know kind of what you're going through and its so easy to just drive yourself crazy by letting thoughts of the other consume you, especially when you can't do anything about it. You can do this and still give her her space. Hope this helps, good luck to you.

That was very elegantly put, thanks for understanding. I want this to happen, but just cant set my mind free of this.. or "let-go" of these negative thoughts.. I know its doing more bad than good...

 

I'll keep the thread updated.. thanks once again..

[zebracolors]

I sometimes turn all kinds of negative thoughts and fears in my mind, so i know what thats like too. However, I find that immersing myself in the company of friends help a little actually to diffuse the tension. I use Skype and have a great friend I talk to on there from time to time and he always manages to cheer me up for a little, but understands my situation, and why I can get a little down sometimes. I guess that also helps me keep from going crazy.

 

I also have been immersing myself in my hobby of graphic design, and I'm trying to teach myself website coding. Sometimes helps anyway:)

 

As for you, don't completely stop telling her you love/miss her of course. I'm more then a little certain the reassurance that you miss and love her just the right amount of times will let her know you have not given up on this. Maybe if you ever go a few days since talking or what have you.

 

Anyway, looking forward to any new developments in your situation. I wish you two the best.

[Miad's Princess]

I am sorry but from what you write it doesn't look good. God she flipped out because you went to her home town how rude! I wouldn't stand for this and I would leave her to get on with her life that she shows your not much part off....IMO the reason for this is because she has met someone else. Hence the actions and having no time for you these days.

[Sadgati]

I tend to agree with Miad's Princess. Ask yourself, did she treat you as a boyfriend or as a pal when she RELENTED and let you visit her. Correction, she didn't let you, you said you just went anyway after she said no, so you weren't really wanted. If she treated you as a pal in front of your common friends and not a boyfriend....you have your answer.

 

No matter what though you seriously need to get out more and goof off with friends.

[XKatieX]

I find focusing on my studies helps, or your career.

 

I know that the more you occupy your mind, whether its going out with friends, trying a new activity etc..it makes you both miss the other person more, so you both aren't overbearing each other.

 

Bottom line is try not to smother her. I know sometimes its hard when all you want to do is talk to them, but you will find she will come to you more when you back off a bit and just do your own thing.

 

GL =)

[thetitan]

I am sorry but from what you write it doesn't look good. God she flipped out because you went to her home town how rude! I wouldn't stand for this and I would leave her to get on with her life that she shows your not much part off....IMO the reason for this is because she has met someone else. Hence the actions and having no time for you these days.

 

as i said, i'll never doubt that aspect..

[thetitan]

I tend to agree with Miad's Princess. Ask yourself, did she treat you as a boyfriend or as a pal when she RELENTED and let you visit her. Correction, she didn't let you, you said you just went anyway after she said no, so you weren't really wanted. If she treated you as a pal in front of your common friends and not a boyfriend....you have your answer.

 

No matter what though you seriously need to get out more and goof off with friends.

 

Things are a bit complicated in that, as our friends did not know that we were having an affair (as I said.. a bit complicated). I seem to find an answer for everything people have to say against her.. strange !

 

I am trying my best to stay busy (going out daily since last few days, thinking of starting gym etc), but even in the few minutes that I have alone, I think of her and feel sad that things are not going the way i had imagined....

[thetitan]

I find focusing on my studies helps, or your career.

 

I know that the more you occupy your mind, whether its going out with friends, trying a new activity etc..it makes you both miss the other person more, so you both aren't overbearing each other.

 

Bottom line is try not to smother her. I know sometimes its hard when all you want to do is talk to them, but you will find she will come to you more when you back off a bit and just do your own thing.

 

GL =)

 

Thanks Katie..

 

Yes, that is very true. She does call me when I do not call her for a day or two (I'd been the initiator till now..). But I feel I should also call her back at times. I have trouble ending the conversations and tend to elongate them.. And not calling when I feel like seems very very uncomfortable to me.

 

I send out an email or two daily (we are almost 12 hrs apart in time zone), with something cute or a photo.. and then we exchange a few in that thread. When she doesn't reply though, I feel sad.

 

Our text works one way only (from me to her) and I've tried getting a different service provider, still did not help. I send out a text once in a while for some updates, but its not fun when it is one way.

 

Am I still trying too hard/smothering her? I can not discuss this much with her, as she believes that we should let things happen naturally (and this is an artificial control of contact..) How much should I pull back so that it is just enough..?

[thetitan]

I sometimes turn all kinds of negative thoughts and fears in my mind, so i know what thats like too. However, I find that immersing myself in the company of friends help a little actually to diffuse the tension. I use Skype and have a great friend I talk to on there from time to time and he always manages to cheer me up for a little, but understands my situation, and why I can get a little down sometimes. I guess that also helps me keep from going crazy.

 

I also have been immersing myself in my hobby of graphic design, and I'm trying to teach myself website coding. Sometimes helps anyway:)

 

As for you, don't completely stop telling her you love/miss her of course. I'm more then a little certain the reassurance that you miss and love her just the right amount of times will let her know you have not given up on this. Maybe if you ever go a few days since talking or what have you.

 

Anyway, looking forward to any new developments in your situation. I wish you two the best.

 

That was exactly what I go through ZC. It feels good that someone else understands and has found some ways of constructively diffusing the tension.

 

I am posting an update in general to keep the thread updated..

[thetitan]

General update -

Thank you for the replies everyone.. I do think that staying positive is what is needed to break this vicious circle of -ve thoughts/actions. But its turning out to be too difficult to do, though I am trying my best to stay busy (going out daily since last few days, thinking of starting gym etc), but even in the few minutes that I have alone, I think of her.

 

We had a plan to get married next year (thats the way things started out). So I just wish things work out in the next few months. I am facing serious trouble letting go of things.. maybe thats some insecurity or lack of trust ?

 

She has asked me to stay positive, and is understanding. But she feels that having a fixed schedule of talking is too artificial, and we should let things happen naturally. I can not tell her that my natural wish right now is to spend as much time (on phone) with her as possible. I am trying my best to give her space, and am not calling repeatedly or sending too long emails (text doesn't work anyways). Last few days have been pretty confusing for me, as I do not know how to react, how often to call (cant let it happen naturally, or i'll b calling all the time), and this is rubbing on to our conversations.

 

..lost and confused.. I do not know how to be honest, funny, positive etc all at the same time I just wish things come back to normal soon..

[Dorluv]

As Im reading this post I kept thinking why my partner couldnt be like u, damn it. Those who have it dont want it and those who want it dont have it. If my guy would act like you believe me I would not worry. But in the beginning he conatcted me a lot and now its evryother day like im on a schedule . it feels like im on a schedule. and its just to check on me he says. I would be so mad, if he wants out of this relationship because I had told him 2 weeks ago I felt I needed to step back to think about things. and within two days he called to tell me he was checking on me and wanted to invite me out. So im as pretty confused as you were. what is helping me is one person on this board said" If you have trouble figuring it out, then the person is not that into you" because if a person is into you, he or she will make sure you know it and feel it, so no one else take their spot. and you know what im gonna take this piece of advice and run with it.

Edited January 20, 2010 by Dorluv
spelling mistakes