How do you do it?

[LisaUk]

It says he was too weak to cope with a woman with her own mind, her own opinions, and her own hopes and dreams. I personaly wouldn't want a woman who wasn't. Why the hell would you want to be under his thumb!!! Is it worth becoming a slave to his opinions just to have him back.Yes. All I had to do was respect them, I could still have had my opinions just not expected him to live by them, what right did I have to ask him to do that anyway? None. I don't want to be someone that no one else can love or want, why would I want that? Thats not worth it. It would never be worth losing yourself to love him! and anyone who was truly worth while wouldn't ask you to.

TOJAZ

..........

[trippi1432]

Well I don't want to be a strong women who he couldn't cope with then, what in the h**l does that say about me, that I was so head strong I drove the love of my life to jilt me? Why in the h**L would I want to be a person capable of that? That means I drove him away by being me, which is what I have been saying all along, IT WAS MY FAULT.

 

Lisa,

 

In my 15 year relationship with my ex, I was the stong person from the very beginning...stubborn, opinionated (being a single mom going into a relationship, I put myself in the position that I needed to be for my daughter). It was years later when I gained financial independence that I was also informed that I was controlling.

 

My ex and I lobbied for power in the relationship constantly....to be more honest, he pushed all of the responsibility to me and then blamed me for everything. If he wanted something (a riding mower, a pressure washer, a new car...etc) I found a way for him to have those things but I am materialistic for wanting a home, a fenced in back yard and a decent car to drive (he had four new cars over time, I had two - of which the first one was a Lemon). Is any of that justification to be called controlling or materialistic...no, it's not....I see it as building a life together, building a home and building a future.

 

My ex had total freedom in our relationship, it was what I had to give him...his space. He did whatever he wanted basically, but anytime that I didn't agree with what he was doing (the alcohol and other things) or wanted us to do things together, I was control freak. Why was I this way....I can tell you many reasons. I was unhappy, I felt slighted in the relationship, I never felt that he cared and I always felt he was unhappy with me. He constantly tore down any improvements that I tried to make in myself, criticized me beyond compare and held everything over my head. His idea of control was to ensure that I never had relationships with my friends and even went to the point of trying to sabotage my relationships with my family....but, if I complained, all of that was my fault. AND I COMPLAINED ALOT, what woman wouldn't??!! That is what strong, independent women do when they are in a one-sided relationship and not getting what they need from it. A strong, independent woman cannot be in a relationship with a narcissist...just doesn't work...you both want to control and there are no rules of engagement when it comes to that.

 

There is nothing wrong with being strong and independent Lisa...that IS having your own opinion, you are allowed to express that. It's the way his narcissim interpreted it and the way it was expressed back at you. In return, you expressed your independence in having an opinon, as well you should. A classic narcissit will throw that back in your face. The fact is, those two personality types can never be in a true partnership with each other unless they constantly work on themselves and the relationship...one will always want to have dominance over the other. I could never be the person I wanted to be in my relationship because I always felt I had to be on the defense (overbearing, didn't want to be on the losing end either because every compromise was always to his benefit, never mine)....that's not a relationship.

 

You are looking at taking all the blame because a narcassist won't take any blame, they will gladly let you take it all.

[lookin2wardthefuture]

Did he approach you multiple times over the many years that you spent together and let you know that your"outspokeness" bothered him? Did he ever suggest couples counseling for this or other related matters? Was this something that was a wedge between you on a consistant basis? Now please understand, I'm not asking if it came up every now and then, because what in a relationship that spans that many years does'nt. But if this guy did'nt have another waiting in the wings, and he's giving you some bs reasons for leaving without REALLY fighting for your relationship, then HE has some major character flaws. Honey, stop blaming yourself! As hard as it is to accept, he's just not the one God has intended for you forver. I just ended a 20 year relationship over infidelity. My ex wants me to share in the blame for his visiting prostitutes, because according to him, he was'nt getting what HE needed from me. Well that's his way of justification. I have walked away with a clear mind knowing no I'm not perfect, but I fought for that relationship as hard as I could over the years. I will not allow this to be what defines me for the rest of my life. I am choosing to be better, not bitter. You can't change what has happened with him, but you do have the power to change your future and make positve choices for YOUR life. I'm sooo thankful I found out at 43 rather than spending another 20 years with him. I'm young and vibrant enough to begin my life. God blees you and stay strong you're sooo worth it!!!!

[hopesndreams]

Well I don't want to be a strong women who he couldn't cope with then, what in the h**l does that say about me, that I was so head strong I drove the love of my life to jilt me? Why in the h**L would I want to be a person capable of that? That means I drove him away by being me, which is what I have been saying all along, IT WAS MY FAULT.

 

Lisa, you're cracking me up! Don't take that the wrong way, but you are valuing your life and who you are on just one man. There are billions of men out there. You were certainly good enough for 18 years with him but then he went away, without communicating to you why he was going to. Did you change into the monster from the Black Lagoon? No, you didn't. Maybe you were too overwhelming for him (my H gave me that to listen to)...and then he thought he would like to try the simple life. No one's opinion but his own, wanting to do things when he wanted to, having no one to share life's joys, pleasures and tough times. The single life. Has he really told you the real deal? No. Why? Because he couldn't communicate. He put on an act for you while he planned his escape. That kinda stuff happens to good people every day of the week. You are you, that is all you can be, love it, embrace it and never change, for anyone, ever.

[HeavenOrHell]

Did he give you any warning he was not happy? Did he suggest relationship counselling either for him or both of you? Did he give you a chance to work through the problems?

I am struggling too and thinking why bother with another relationship as I will just be waiting for them leave. I wasn't insecure with my ex, never thought he would leave me a third and final time, he made me feel so secure and loved, but he still left, so why would I believe in any other relationship. We were made for each other, I still feel that. Fool that I am.

I guess we both have to hope we are both wrong about that.

 

What he said in those quotes was that he did not want to marry me or be with me b/c I forced my opinions on him and was controlling. As for commitment, he led me to beleive that we were making a life together for always. As for finding someone else who wants me for me, well I thought I had and I was wrong so I guess I will never be able to trust again, I'll always be waiting for them to leave. To be completely honest I think it would be better for me to stay single, I can't take this again, I'm struggling right now, most of the time I think it would be better if I just did away with myself, if someone could do what he did to me then I can't be worth anything, garbage, he treated me like garbage after all those years togther, so that's what I must be, really there is no point to me being here anymore, it's been 10 months and it's not getting any better, I don't want to keep fighting anymore, I've had enough.

[HeavenOrHell]

At least you didn't cheat.

I was controlling to some extent I think because of my anxiety.

He felt neglected too which is just as 'bad' as being controlling (if you actually were), you haven't committed a crime

From what you've said about your childhood it's not surprising that you became controlling to some extent (if you did), maybe not an excuse but a bloody good reason, maybe your ex could have been more understanding of the possible reasons you were like that (if you were!) and been supportive and helped you become less controlling.

 

 

Because I'm not sure he is CP, he has never admitted it he has blamed me for everything, so although I have read a lot about it and his behaviour and actions seem to fit, a part of me always doubts it and continues to search for answers.

 

Here are some quotes form his "explanation for leaving me" e-mail, I feel kind of afraid to post these, if I am honest. I am terrified of what people will think of me and the pain I will experience when I have to accept that he left b/c I was controlling, just like he said. I didn't know I was being controlling at the time, but I guess expressing my opinions and asking him to respect them was, as he said I forced them upon him and asked him to live by them.

 

"Since being single I have done a lot of thinking and

> continue to do so. I have never had a chance to be single

> before so I am learning a lot about myself and so that's why

> you are hearing different reasons for what I did."

 

"Stag dos, motorbikes, me going out with

> friends etc. All smallish things but when put together

> over a long time period (most of which had been your opinion

> for as long as I've known you), they add up. I think this

> had the effect that over time my feelings for you became

> less as I knew inside that we weren't compatible."

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

Perhaps I can provide some insight.

 

I have posted many times before of my fears of making a commitment.

 

As I see it there are two opposing views of love, commitment and relationships. In my youth, I could not understand why most of my peers where looking for their soulmate. Someone to marry, have kids, a family and a home with. And they could not understand why I saw relationships. marriage, kids and family as a love trap.

 

Yes someday in the future I wanted a wife, family and kids, but that was when I would be older.

 

In my youth I wanted to do, whatever I wanted, hike, fish, race cars, with whomever I wanted to do it with. My money, was mine, if I wanted to buy an expensive camera lens and could afford it I bought it. Race cars are expensive, it cost me $100 just to pay the entry fees for a weekend of racing, plus the expense of getting there and back. I did not want to have to argue with somebody that this money would have been better spent on the kids. And I also wanted to take my latest love interest with me. A sort of sowing my wild oats.

 

I suspect that your EX fell into the love trap with you at a very early age, so he was not able to sow his wild oats. Yes he was in love with you, but he also in the back of his mind was this little voice, his fear of commitment, and in the end that voice won.

 

This was not about you. He would have done the same thing, whether her name was Lisa, Kathy or Sharon. This inner voice would have eventually won, and the woman would have been dumped

 

Your friend Gallon

[LisaUk]

Thanks for all your replys. In answer, no, he did not come to me and express any unhappiness about these things, we had arguments about the content of these things from time to time, but I thought we had reached a compromise we were both happy with, although I often set my feelings aside for his benefit b/c I just wanted him to be happy.

 

He spent a great deal of time at work, even bringing home work on vacation and on my birthday. It was difficult to get him to take time off work, yet he would do it to see friends. We argued about that, I felt he did not spend enough time with me and so when he would say he was planning on seeing freinds, for example, but I had already not seen him for the best part of two weeks, we fought. I guess it's my fault b/c I should have realised from these arguments that he was unhappy but I thought they had been resolved. Sometimes I would even make sure a couple of days later that he was happy with the compromise we had reached. He never came to me and said he was unhappy. He didn't tell me why he left until 3 days after he left. I offered to go to relationship counselling with him after he left, he would not evevn consider it, said he was too scared.

[trippi1432]

Thanks for all your replys. In answer, no, he did not come to me and express any unhappiness about these things, we had arguments about the content of these things from time to time, but I thought we had reached a compromise we were both happy with, although I often set my feelings aside for his benefit b/c I just wanted him to be happy.

 

He spent a great deal of time at work, even bringing home work on vacation and on my birthday. It was difficult to get him to take time off work, yet he would do it to see friends. We argued about that, I felt he did not spend enough time with me and so when he would say he was planning on seeing freinds, for example, but I had already not seen him for the best part of two weeks, we fought. I guess it's my fault b/c I should have realised from these arguments that he was unhappy but I thought they had been resolved. Sometimes I would even make sure a couple of days later that he was happy with the compromise we had reached. He never came to me and said he was unhappy. He didn't tell me why he left until 3 days after he left. I offered to go to relationship counselling with him after he left, he would not evevn consider it, said he was too scared.

 

Stop...wait!!! Look at what you wrote above....YOU felt HE did not spend enough time with YOU (he worked alot - avoidance because he didn't care about your feelings). YOU fought for YOU in the relationship because HE only considered HIS own feelings and what he wanted. How can that be your fault?

[LisaUk]

Hi Trippi

 

that's the reason he gave me for leaving me, that I exerted too much control over his time and asked him/expected him to live by my opinions. He said me complaining about stag dos (well that's b/c I have a personal view on them and I don't like the thought of my partner hanging out with a load of guys watching stippers and behaving like a child plus it menat him going away for 3 or 4 nights on like guys vacation), going out with friends (b/c I never saw him, when he wasn't working he was gaming) and I didn't want him to get another motorbike b/c I was worried for his saftey after he had an accident some years before. To be honest, that was more like a running joke than anything else, sure I didn't want him to get one but if I had known he would leave me over it? Or course I would never have stopped him anyway. He said all these things were me controlling him.

[trippi1432]

Hi Trippi

 

that's the reason he gave me for leaving me, that I exerted too much control over his time and asked him/expected him to live by my opinions. He said me complaining about stag dos (well that's b/c I have a personal view on them and I don't like the thought of my partner hanging out with a load of guys watching stippers and behaving like a child plus it menat him going away for 3 or 4 nights on like guys vacation), going out with friends (b/c I never saw him, when he wasn't working he was gaming) and I didn't want him to get another motorbike b/c I was worried for his saftey after he had an accident some years before. To be honest, that was more like a running joke than anything else, sure I didn't want him to get one but if I had known he would leave me over it? Or course I would never have stopped him anyway. He said all these things were me controlling him.

 

I'm sorry, but I can't see anything in any of that which constitutes it being your fault....just don't see it. He didn't leave you because you wouldn't let him go out with the boys...sounds like he did it whether you cared or not, you were concerned for his safety...he didn't buy a bike...you didn't force his hand. All I really see here is that he only cared about his wants and needs and put yours on the backburner.

[LisaUk]

Hi Trip

 

he did do it whether I cared or not, after an argument I would always back down completely or compromise with him. But he said that was controlling b/c he would brush his feelings aside to avoid an argument or hurting me. So it was me arguning about it with him that was controlling.

[trippi1432]

Hi Trip

 

he did do it whether I cared or not, after an argument I would always back down completely or compromise with him. But he said that was controlling b/c he would brush his feelings aside to avoid an argument or hurting me. So it was me arguning about it with him that was controlling.

 

 

And this is what you believe? That you were the controlling one because you told him how you felt.

 

Here's what I get from trying to understand how the arguments went:

 

Your Actions:

 

1. You back down completely - Unhealthy

2. You compromise - Healthy

 

His Actions:

1. Avoidance - A**nine

2. Leave the situation - IDIOT

 

Sorry....I'm still having a hard time seeing where you were controlling or the one to blame.

[trippi1432]

Hi Lisa....I've read your story and saw some of your other posts in other threads. First......you seem like such a nice person but you are beating yourself up today, for what? Find something like a pillow and beat it up and pretend it's him. Seriously.....I saw some of your other posts and it sounded like he was really a selfish ass who did not make you his priority. I think once you get past these painful hurdles, you are going to be so much better off and I suspect a lot happier.

 

 

Sometimes.....people just stop loving us and sometimes we stop loving them, and often times there is nothing we can do to change it or stop it from occurring. It hurts and it's painful but we survive and you will survive this also and come out on the other side. Believe in yourself and forgive yourself for what ever imagined things you did wrong but don't forget that there were two of you in that relationship.

 

What it really comes down to is each person putting the other person first...we all have jobs...some of have school too...children....pressure...but remembering that there is someone else that respects that...AND you respect them....that is the key.

 

There are two people in a relationship, but the souls are intertwined....you can be a strong, independent person and he can be a stong, intependent man....but at 5 pm you are there for him and he is there for you...AND you see him as the man he is...and he sees you for the woman you are...that's all that matters..and honestly...that is what he and you want. It should always be that way....but yes, we all lost sight of that from time to time.

[Gunny376]

Lisa, quit hating yourself, time to hate him!

TOJAZ

 

Got that right!

[Gunny376]

Mentality, emotionally, spiritually, physically! The Corps consumed me!

 

The Marines Corps became me! I BECAME the Marine Corps!

 

The hardest job in the Marines?

 

Is being a a Marines wife!

 

It cost me A wife and family

[giotto]

Gittio, whilst I take your point about incompatability I do think 18 years or in your case 23 years is a ridiculously long time for someone to take in figuring out if they are comaptible with someone. At the end of the day incompatibility is just saying you can't be bothered to work things out with your partner to reach a compromise that is acceptable to both of you. In my case, I compromised my feelings and opinions so that he could have what he desired and I could have a bit of what I needed, I thought he felt the same way, but it appears he resented having to make that compromise as the below quote will illustrate-

 

well, it is a ridiculously long time, but relationships are like that. We are so engrossed in them that we stop seeing what they really are. In my case, we had children as well.

 

 

Thanks for all your replys. In answer, no, he did not come to me and express any unhappiness about these things, we had arguments about the content of these things from time to time, but I thought we had reached a compromise we were both happy with, although I often set my feelings aside for his benefit b/c I just wanted him to be happy.

 

He spent a great deal of time at work, even bringing home work on vacation and on my birthday. It was difficult to get him to take time off work, yet he would do it to see friends. We argued about that, I felt he did not spend enough time with me and so when he would say he was planning on seeing freinds, for example, but I had already not seen him for the best part of two weeks, we fought. I guess it's my fault b/c I should have realised from these arguments that he was unhappy but I thought they had been resolved. Sometimes I would even make sure a couple of days later that he was happy with the compromise we had reached. He never came to me and said he was unhappy. He didn't tell me why he left until 3 days after he left. I offered to go to relationship counselling with him after he left, he would not evevn consider it, said he was too scared.

Now, you see, if he didn't talk about it and reassured you, how on earth could have guessed what was going on in his mind?

 

People change in relationships and relationships change, which is fine. What is not fine is not communicating and dragging the farce for 18 or 23 years. If he wasn't happy, he should have told you many years ago. My wife wasn't happy and she should have told me many years ago. The longer you leave it, the more you are going to hurt your partner. He was wrong, for not being honest about it, but I don't think you can blame a person for changing. When people develop and change in relationship, that's when you'll find you become incompatible at some level.

 

Where you really compatible at the beginning? Maybe. Myself and my wife were compatible on many levels and so incompatible on so many others. But when you are in love, you tend to ignore the negative sides and concentrate on the positive ones.

 

You are hurting because he said something about your personality you don't like. Do you really think you are a controlling person? Do you think you were controlling at the beginning of your relationship? Do you think you became more controlling during the years? To put your healing on the right track, maybe you should ask yourself these questions. If they are true, work towards solving the issues and you'll feel positive once again...

[LisaUk]

And this is what you believe? That you were the controlling one because you told him how you felt.

 

Here's what I get from trying to understand how the arguments went:

 

Your Actions:

 

1. You back down completely - Unhealthy

2. You compromise - Healthy

 

His Actions:

1. Avoidance - A**nine

2. Leave the situation - IDIOT

 

Sorry....I'm still having a hard time seeing where you were controlling or the one to blame.

 

Thanks Trippi, it's difficult for me not to internalise his words b/c I thought a lot of him and loved him. It's good to hear that other people don't see my actions as controlling. I never thought I was at the time, I just felt he never took my feelings on board or made me a priority. When he said it to me, I was completely shocked.

 

I always tried to compromise to make sure his needs were met. For example, one stag do invloved being away for 4 nights, we compromised on two nights, b/c I was suffering with agoraphobia at the time and didn't want to be left alone for that length of time, plus I wanted to spend some of that weekend with him as he worked so much, but I knew how much he wanted to go so I asked if we could compromise. A couple of days after, I felt really guilty for asking him to cut short his time, so I said this to him, told him I felt bad and if he wanted to go to the whole thing I understood. He told me he was fine with the compromise and he understood why I didn't want to him to be gone that long and he felt it was a fair solution to both of us. Only to throw it back at me after he left saying I forced him to live by my opinions and he brushed his feelings aside to avoid an argument.

[dgiirl]

Lisa, I do think it is wise for you to evaluate what your ex said about you. However, don't mistake TRUTH for PERCEPTION. One person could believe in his perceptions of another, but that does not make it true. Take stock of what your ex has said about you, but also take stock of what your friends and other people say too. If only one person says you are controlling, but 20 other people say you are not. Chances are high you are not. But you know, deep down inside, what the truth is about you.

 

I blamed myself for a long time after my exh left me. I came to realize that yes, there were some ugly things about me that needed to be changed, and I worked on that!

 

However, all the reasons he said he was leaving? I came to realize complete and utter BS. My exh use to say throughout our marriage that I was controlling, selfish, conceded, unreasonable, judgmental. And after a while, having him ingrain these fears inside me, I started to believe him. He destroyed my self confidence. And when he left, all I could do was blame myself. After living alone for a while, I started to realize this calm and utter quietness to my life. Life was more peaceful. I was happier. I realized that there was no one there telling me how horrible of a person I was. I realized it was my EXH who said those things to me, and he was the ONLY person who said those things to me. And after a while, I realized he only said those things to me because he wanted HIS way. And every time he said that to me, I would completely utterly cave into his way. My exh was controlling and manipulative. And best way to get his way? Make me believe I was too a bad person.

 

Lisa, I do believe you might be a little too stubborn , because no matter how much we tell you it's not YOUR fault, you keep contradicting us with "But my ex said this". But that doesn't mean you're unlovable or a bad person. We all have our faults, and I strongly believe life is about learning what they are and changing them.

 

You do have things to work on Lisa. Do some self evaluation, find out what the real truth is about you, and work on the things you don't like about yourself. That doesn't mean you just quit on life and give up saying "You're unlovable, case solved" nor does it mean being a complete doormat to everyone's opinions from now on. It means finding out WHO you truly are, what you want in life, what defines who you are, what you believe in, what are your morals, and what things you need to polish.

[trippi1432]

Thanks Trippi, it's difficult for me not to internalise his words b/c I thought a lot of him and loved him. It's good to hear that other people don't see my actions as controlling. I never thought I was at the time, I just felt he never took my feelings on board or made me a priority. When he said it to me, I was completely shocked.

 

Of course you valued his opinion of you, you were with him for a very long time...it was a realtionship and in those...we care about what the other person thinks of us. But! You say it yourself up above...you didn't see those actions as controlling either...you felt that he didn't consider your feelings or make you a priority. When he said that to you Lisa, it was his way of acting out to tear you down...his way of justifying being selfish and only caring about his needs...not yours...those who know us best, know how to dig the knife in deep and all of this is allowing HIM to still "CONTROL" YOU. This one persons' opinion should not hold that power over you.

You've seen my latest thread...if I internalized everything my ex said in that thread, I would think horribly of myself. That's not to say that it doesn't take a day or two to recover from it, but I also see now how much power his opinion of me had over me...and how much he still tries to use it to manipulate me today. Honestly, I knew that I was unhappy in my marriage, but I didn't realize how liberating it would be to NOT be treated that way until he left. I didn't realize until after he left that I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

 

I always tried to compromise to make sure his needs were met. For example, one stag do invloved being away for 4 nights, we compromised on two nights, b/c I was suffering with agoraphobia at the time and didn't want to be left alone for that length of time, plus I wanted to spend some of that weekend with him as he worked so much, but I knew how much he wanted to go so I asked if we could compromise. A couple of days after, I felt really guilty for asking him to cut short his time, so I said this to him, told him I felt bad and if he wanted to go to the whole thing I understood. He told me he was fine with the compromise and he understood why I didn't want to him to be gone that long and he felt it was a fair solution to both of us. Only to throw it back at me after he left saying I forced him to live by my opinions and he brushed his feelings aside to avoid an argument.

 

Lisa - right here....he threw this back at you because he knew it was a low blow to your self-esteem. By letting him pull you down with this, you are letting him win and still have that power over you. You KNOW that you are BETTER than that...if he brushed his feelings aside, it was what HE did...you didn't control that..HE controls his feelings and his actions. He has to own that, not you.

It's ok to look at this action and grow from it...it's what you should do...but now you have to come to a compromise with yourself. How much are YOU going to let that one thing...something someone said in the heat of the moment to justify his selfish actions, define who you are today. You define yourself by your standards, not by his. If he is happy now, fine...so be it, even be happy for him...BUT, be happy for yourself as well. You deserve better and will find it when you least expect it. You are doing much to better yourself today, that is what you should do...strive for more for you. Set your own goals (which you are doing with Uni) and find those things that make you happy and no one (even a memory) can take from you.

 

 

Lisa, I do think it is wise for you to evaluate what your ex said about you. However, don't mistake TRUTH for PERCEPTION. One person could believe in his perceptions of another, but that does not make it true. Take stock of what your ex has said about you, but also take stock of what your friends and other people say too. If only one person says you are controlling, but 20 other people say you are not. Chances are high you are not. But you know, deep down inside, what the truth is about you.

 

I blamed myself for a long time after my exh left me. I came to realize that yes, there were some ugly things about me that needed to be changed, and I worked on that!

 

However, all the reasons he said he was leaving? I came to realize complete and utter BS. My exh use to say throughout our marriage that I was controlling, selfish, conceded, unreasonable, judgmental. And after a while, having him ingrain these fears inside me, I started to believe him. He destroyed my self confidence. And when he left, all I could do was blame myself. After living alone for a while, I started to realize this calm and utter quietness to my life. Life was more peaceful. I was happier. I realized that there was no one there telling me how horrible of a person I was. I realized it was my EXH who said those things to me, and he was the ONLY person who said those things to me. And after a while, I realized he only said those things to me because he wanted HIS way. And every time he said that to me, I would completely utterly cave into his way. My exh was controlling and manipulative. And best way to get his way? Make me believe I was too a bad person.

 

Lisa, I do believe you might be a little too stubborn , because no matter how much we tell you it's not YOUR fault, you keep contradicting us with "But my ex said this". But that doesn't mean you're unlovable or a bad person. We all have our faults, and I strongly believe life is about learning what they are and changing them.

 

You do have things to work on Lisa. Do some self evaluation, find out what the real truth is about you, and work on the things you don't like about yourself. That doesn't mean you just quit on life and give up saying "You're unlovable, case solved" nor does it mean being a complete doormat to everyone's opinions from now on. It means finding out WHO you truly are, what you want in life, what defines who you are, what you believe in, what are your morals, and what things you need to polish.

 

Lisa - Dgiirl is spot on in this post, and it pretty much sums up my last marriage as well....what I highlighted above in her post. This man does not deserve your sympathy or anymore of your time dwelling on who he was or is today. It really comes down to what you deserve going forward and being fine with who you are.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, I do think it is wise for you to evaluate what your ex said about you. However, don't mistake TRUTH for PERCEPTION. One person could believe in his perceptions of another, but that does not make it true. Take stock of what your ex has said about you, but also take stock of what your friends and other people say too. If only one person says you are controlling, but 20 other people say you are not. Chances are high you are not. But you know, deep down inside, what the truth is about you.

 

I blamed myself for a long time after my exh left me. I came to realize that yes, there were some ugly things about me that needed to be changed, and I worked on that!

 

However, all the reasons he said he was leaving? I came to realize complete and utter BS. My exh use to say throughout our marriage that I was controlling, selfish, conceded, unreasonable, judgmental. And after a while, having him ingrain these fears inside me, I started to believe him. He destroyed my self confidence. And when he left, all I could do was blame myself. After living alone for a while, I started to realize this calm and utter quietness to my life. Life was more peaceful. I was happier. I realized that there was no one there telling me how horrible of a person I was. I realized it was my EXH who said those things to me, and he was the ONLY person who said those things to me. And after a while, I realized he only said those things to me because he wanted HIS way. And every time he said that to me, I would completely utterly cave into his way. My exh was controlling and manipulative. And best way to get his way? Make me believe I was too a bad person.

 

Lisa, I do believe you might be a little too stubborn , because no matter how much we tell you it's not YOUR fault, you keep contradicting us with "But my ex said this". But that doesn't mean you're unlovable or a bad person. We all have our faults, and I strongly believe life is about learning what they are and changing them.

 

You do have things to work on Lisa. Do some self evaluation, find out what the real truth is about you, and work on the things you don't like about yourself. That doesn't mean you just quit on life and give up saying "You're unlovable, case solved" nor does it mean being a complete doormat to everyone's opinions from now on. It means finding out WHO you truly are, what you want in life, what defines who you are, what you believe in, what are your morals, and what things you need to polish.

 

Yes, you're right Dgirl, what I need to work on is my self esteem, you see my "bottom line" is not being good enough (due to my childhood) and so I may appear stubborn when what is actually going on is me not beliveing that it wasn't my fault.

 

In answer, no one else has ever said I am controlling, I have since asked friends if I force my opinion on them, they have all said that I have strong opinions but they are well thought out and I am open to change my opinions if someone can give a better argument, but never once, have I forced my opinions on them.

[LisaUk]

Lisa - right here....he threw this back at you because he knew it was a low blow to your self-esteem. By letting him pull you down with this, you are letting him win and still have that power over you. You KNOW that you are BETTER than that...if he brushed his feelings aside, it was what HE did...you didn't control that..HE controls his feelings and his actions. He has to own that, not you.

 

It's ok to look at this action and grow from it...it's what you should do...but now you have to come to a compromise with yourself. How much are YOU going to let that one thing...something someone said in the heat of the moment to justify his selfish actions, define who you are today. You define yourself by your standards, not by his. If he is happy now, fine...so be it, even be happy for him...BUT, be happy for yourself as well. You deserve better and will find it when you least expect it. You are doing much to better yourself today, that is what you should do...strive for more for you. Set your own goals (which you are doing with Uni) and find those things that make you happy and no one (even a memory) can take from you.

 

 

 

 

Lisa - Dgiirl is spot on in this post, and it pretty much sums up my last marriage as well....what I highlighted above in her post. This man does not deserve your sympathy or anymore of your time dwelling on who he was or is today. It really comes down to what you deserve going forward and being fine with who you are.

 

Hi Trippi

 

Thank you for taking the time to write out your post to me, it's helped. I know you're right, it was his self justification. I don't think he even comprehends though that he hurt me, he seems oblivous to it, like breaking up after 18 years is nothing. I don't think he was trying to hurt me either, just trying to find reasons to leave. The fact that there were not any problems or issues before we starting making wedding plans (I've been over it all looking for red flags, there weren't any) and the fact that he had put off getting married for 8 years, but stayed with me, and when we started making wedding plans he began suffering anxiety attacks, suggests to me he was CP and looked for reasons.

 

When he took out our wedding insurance I saw him grabbing the sides of the computer chair and I asked what was wrong he said "it all feels a bit real". What did he think we had been doing for 18 years, what did he think we were doing when we visited wedding venues and drew up guest lists with our parents, what planet is this person on? He's right about one thing, he needed help and you know what? He still does.

[dgiirl]

Yes, you're right Dgirl, what I need to work on is my self esteem, you see my "bottom line" is not being good enough (due to my childhood) and so I may appear stubborn when what is actually going on is me not beliveing that it wasn't my fault.

 

In answer, no one else has ever said I am controlling, I have since asked friends if I force my opinion on them, they have all said that I have strong opinions but they are well thought out and I am open to change my opinions if someone can give a better argument, but never once, have I forced my opinions on them.

 

Do not let one person's perception define who you are. Especially when the majority of people in your life oppose that perception. Perception is a two way street. It might reflect the person in question or reflect the person perceiving. Sometimes we perceive others a certain way because that is what we NEED to perceive them.

 

You are doing fine Lisa. You are self reflecting and as long as you take one good positive thing from this whole situation then all the grief will not be in vain. You are making a better life for yourself. You should be proud! Once you are able to get into your own place you will see how great life will be.

 

However, be attentive to the words you tell your self. Would you ever tell someone who just broke up with their loved one the things you secretly say to yourself? You have to learn to be loving and caring towards yourself. And perhaps that is what your current life lesson is all about? Perhaps you are meant to be alone at the moment until you learn to show yourself the love you deserve?

[giotto]

Do not let one person's perception define who you are.

 

 

yes, you are right... unfortunately, this person's perception define half of Lisa's life...

[dgiirl]

yes, you are right... unfortunately, this person's perception define half of Lisa's life...

 

Then that is a lesson she'll have to learn.

 

Don't get me wrong. It was a very hard painful lesson for me to learn during my divorce. I allowed myself to be completely dependent on another, and when that person left, my world was shattered. That was wrong on my part. I should never have allowed myself to be so dependent, so complacent, substituting one person's opinion for my own, and losing myself to please another. That is not a healthy relationship and perhaps one of the reasons why my marriage did not last. I did not have any self esteem. I was too dependent on my ex. He could only have felt suffocated.

 

I remember fearing I would never trust another man again. That I would never be able to love the way I had before. And that is true. I never will. Going through a breakup like this, you lose your innocence about love and happy ever after. But you also lose your complacency and you become more conscious. You don't automatically assume that everything will work out because it always does in the fairy tale. In your next relationship, you put more work and thought into it. Perhaps you even become a little more selfish. You think twice before you compromise the world and you don't compromise yourself out of fear the person might leave. And I don't think that is a bad thing. I think of it as a more mature love. A love where you know you are getting what you want and need out of the relationship. A love where you know why you both are in this relationship.