chenazah Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Hello, i wrote a thread the other day banging on about what i have learnt from past breakups. I personally dont like going through the "lets have a break" stage. I give 2 weeks max of no contact. I then want closure for myself to then be able to heal. As ive said its the way i personally deal with it. I dont like to be left hanging around. This is primarily for anybody thats been told "lets have a break" so your not quite sure if you have broken up or not. You need to ask the question sooner or later!. Please have a read of my letter that i will be sending next weekend and give me your thoughts. The end result for me is that If she gets back to me then we have some working out to do. If she doesnt get back to me then i know 100% that its over and can then move on. Make a cup of tea as its a bit of a long one Hi Kat, This is not a letter to pour my heart out to you and show any unjust emotion. Im not writing this for your pity, nor am I ever going to portray myself as weak and not in control of my life. I am and will always be much stronger than you want to believe. I dont expect a reply or to hang on hoping for something positive to come from it. This is me, working out in my mind what went wrong. I would like you to read this with an open mind and try to think about me rather than you. We began seeing each other after having no contact for over 7 years. Between that time I grew as a person and ultimately turned into a man. I made concise decisions regarding what I wanted out of life and more importantly made the changes that were necessary. Through life things change but i managed to adapt along the way. I did not and still will not let anything detract from who I am and who I have consequently now become. Your probably saying “his going to list them out now”….but im not going to. Starting a new relationship with you was not as easy as you would probably like to believe. I had gone through a period of my life where everything was clicking into place. My business, my personal life, my finances and my self development were all growing. In a strange way I felt as if I was becoming “normal” once again. I was becoming a somebody. More importantly I had become more content with who i was. I felt a great sense of achievement in myself for breaking down barriers that had hindered me in the past. I no longer hid, but instead stood up to problems and was determined to straighten them out. I also realized and gave gratitude to the people who had opened my mind and helped me along the way. Anyway……….. I was interested in the woman now standing in front of me. You intrigued me and it triggered memories in my mind. You were still the sweet, happy woman that I had the fondness to remember BUT was there now more to you? You told me your problems and you told me your concerns. I at the time had to make a decision whether I wanted to get involved with you once again. I knew the consequences and I knew that if I did then everything that I had taken with me throughout my life would be laid bare. If I was going to do this then I was going to put all my effort, emotion, love and support into it. I was not going to give it a half-hearted attempt. You did not deserve that. Ultimately I knew deep down that it would affect me and I had my own consequences to solve along the way. At the start I was receptive to your life and to your wishes. I began (with you) to work out your problems and how we could solve them………..together. I started to use my own experiences to try and motivate you and to give you the confidence to tackle them head on. I understand that everyone is different so I never once told you what to do. You done and have done the achieving, not me. My circumstances gave you the support required. I gave you advice when I thought you needed it and I tried to open your mind to alternative thoughts. It made you more independent and it made you start to think about life differently. We approached issues within our own relationship and worked on them together. This enlightened me and made my proud of you. We was both standing up and becoming a committed, young, loving couple. Once again your probably thinking “his going to list out what his done for me now, what his brought and how much it all cost”…but im not. What I would like you to understand, and you might not get it today, next week or next year but some day you will, is that the money or how much it all cost never once entered my head. All I ever thought was this needs to happen, its costs x amount to do and what will it achieve. What as a couple what will we both get out of it. BOTH OF US. Its really that simple. Money doesn’t buy you love. Even if I had millions, deep down there would still be the problem that cannot be solved by cash. So what is the problem? Putting all my effort, commitment love and support into another person wasn't healthy. I was allowing it to control my life. I always heaped pressure on myself to make things right….to always be that dependable man. It was tough to do this but I managed it and I would always focus on my dreams, what I wanted and hoped for. That gave me the determination to carry on, no matter what circumstances I was going through I always managed to deliver what I said I would. During the summer 09 I started to realize that I wasn’t getting much return on my efforts. It was all a bit one sided. All I ever wanted was some affection, some love and for you to utter the words that I am I good man. I wanted for you to understand my commitment and what decisions had been made to help us both. Over the months this made me resent you slightly. I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t show the same effort, commitment, love and support that I had done for you. When things were bad you could always rely on me. I would fixed things and make them better. Why couldn’t you do this for me? Why couldn’t you just show me some affection? You never once surprised me, done anything out of the ordinary to make me think “damn this woman really loves me”. “She gets where we are going and wants it as much as me”. Never. BUT of course I would carry on, thinking that its me making mistakes and I must be doing something wrong to make you act this way……but I wasn’t, it was just you. You hadn’t really changed from the woman I once knew. All it done for me was chip away at our relationship. It (over time) made me stand back, become unresponsive towards you and everything that I felt we was working towards. This then made you feel like I should be doing all the work. Kat it was you. In the last few months I would just wish for you to text me that you miss me, tell me that you love me, hug me, kiss me……do anything to show that you care. That would of then made me feel enlightened again, knowing that someone was now there for me just like I was for them. I would of the opened back up and become the person I was a year ago. This brings me to the end. Im not chasing you! My mind is clear about what I have done and how I stood up to the mark in order to chase my dream. If it turns out that it wasn’t quite enough then deep down I know that I have done my best and will take it on the chin. I have confidence in myself to reach my potential. Its been 2 weeks and I have enough self respect to not let this drag on. You have probably used the last 2 months to try and get over me. Now your using this break to let me down gently. I know how it works. You ask me if I’m “ok” and to “take care”. “Phone me when you get home”, its all to make you feel better. You should of done this ½ year ago, not now. I’m not a second best guy. You either realize what we have and step it up or we move on. For my own dignity I will not be contacting you. You have my number if you want to talk.
DenverBachelor Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 DO - NOT - SEND - THIS - LETTER. I'm not even sure there is a such thing as a closure letter but more so a thinly veiled attempt at reconciliation letter. Most of what you said in that letter contradicts the fact that you wrote so much and are sending the letter. Don't worry about her. Just do your own thing -- you drop off the face of the planet. You'll be the most mysterious person in the world. You need to perfect the art of being a "dumpee Ninja." You never see a ninja and if you do, it's a second before it's lights out. Think of a person as pre-breakup and post-breakup. The pre-breakup person loves you, gives you leeway and glosses over many of your faults. If you buy that person a dozen roses, you're sweet. If you pick them up from the airport, you're a gentleman. Now consider the post-breakup person. They're angry, full of guilt and displacing that guilt with an internal emotion shield. You buy this person a dozen roses, you're a creep. You pick them up from the airport and you're stalking them. You're not writing the old Kat -- you're writing the new Kat. The new Kat is distancing herself from you. You want closure? You'll get more by just dropping out of her world. Remember, she made the choice. You're now out of her life and you need to disappear. Go NC, don't write her letters and avoid her like she's carrying the plague.
MySweetie'sGone Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 DO - NOT - SEND - THIS - LETTER. OMG DO NOT SEND THIS!!! It just sounds like ur trying to make her feel bad while simultaneously attempting to reconcile. This letter will not be well received. write it burn it dont send it.
LovelyDaze Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 DO - NOT - SEND - THIS - LETTER. I'm not even sure there is a such thing as a closure letter but more so a thinly veiled attempt at reconciliation letter. Most of what you said in that letter contradicts the fact that you wrote so much and are sending the letter. Don't worry about her. Just do your own thing -- you drop off the face of the planet. You'll be the most mysterious person in the world. You need to perfect the art of being a "dumpee Ninja." You never see a ninja and if you do, it's a second before it's lights out. Think of a person as pre-breakup and post-breakup. The pre-breakup person loves you, gives you leeway and glosses over many of your faults. If you buy that person a dozen roses, you're sweet. If you pick them up from the airport, you're a gentleman. Now consider the post-breakup person. They're angry, full of guilt and displacing that guilt with an internal emotion shield. You buy this person a dozen roses, you're a creep. You pick them up from the airport and you're stalking them. You're not writing the old Kat -- you're writing the new Kat. The new Kat is distancing herself from you. You want closure? You'll get more by just dropping out of her world. Remember, she made the choice. You're now out of her life and you need to disappear. Go NC, don't write her letters and avoid her like she's carrying the plague. No, kidding! For the love of God, Don't send this. Not a portion, not a re-write, nothing! Like DB says, be a dumpee ninja. That is the tale of tales of how an ex will react to you in their "real clothes" Some exes are a-okay with it because they didn't or lost their love for you. In that case, good riddance. Who wants to be in contact with an ex who doesn't love them anymore? Some exes go on a "vacation" of sorts and come calling, texting, or ringing your doorbell when you least suspect it. Sometimes it's when you are still healing but often it's when you are feeling tons better. No matter what, your letter screams of hostility and hurt. Of course you feel this way, we ALL felt that way with our exes. But the worse thing you can do is let her know it in a letter. You might want to get back together and/or some closure. Either way, you have to go NC completely because if you want either situation to happen, NC is best. When you go on with your own life, it shows your ex the pride, integrity and strength you have for yourself. NO ONE healthy wants to be with someone who is still in a broken place. I wouldn't want to be coerced to go back to an ex that I don't want to be with myself. And as far as letting her have it, the way to do that is to be the very best that you can be for YOU. Your silence will speak louder than any word in that letter.
paleblue Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 i would not send it. \ i would write it out but i would not send it. you said you give a couple weeks of no contact, and after that... let her find out for herself how you are. if she wants to get back to you she will whether you write a letter or not. so really, that in itself makes the letter irrelevant.
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