oneheart Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 "I am always right. If people don't do it my way it goes wrong" "I don't think you are depressed." (I've had mental health problems for years, counselling, medication for long periods of time ). "You need to learn how to behave." (because I yelled) "I'm not going to change." "I want to be with someone who accepts me how I am." "You should enjoy me as I am." (even if I am not getting my needs met? can I not ask for anything? not ask you to do one single things differently?! Like.. It would be really great if we went out to dinner sometimes, it makes me feel really special. It's nice time for us.". The man I am with says that all the problems in our relationship are my fault. He will not accept any responsibility for his own behaviour (not speaking to me for days if I upset him). Whilst there is SOME sense in the quotes above - there is no possibility of compromise with him, no 50-50 in working things out. We have listened to Men are from Mars, 5 love languages, 5 sessions of therapy and nothing.... I do ALL housework, all cooking, all cleaning, food shopping whilst he runs his business. He supports me financially (but only barely, I have very little) but not emotionally. If something isn't working for him he seems to blame everyone and everything but himself and will always please himself first before others. He just seems compassionless. He has never been in a long term relationship before now, (no compromises to make), we have been together for 2 years. He is 39 and I am 32. The relationship is awful, we can't communicate, if we argue he says he isn't sure if he wants to carry on and leaves me in suspense and silence for days. I make several attempts to reconcile and get nasty comments until he calms down and then wants to try again. But if he gets upset again he constantly brings up things from the past and has no problem with this "because it's true!. He can never forget mistakes and can't forgive. If I request something (more time together - we have little, 1 week and 2 days together on holiday last year) it's a criticism. How dare I when he gave me last Thursday night (8-12pm) which was us arguing again. Of course - my fault. He cannot hear my needs. We have had 5 therapy sessions. Unfortunately 3 of them were spent on my depression and low self esteem giving him the idea all the problems are mine. He has not been confronted on his passive aggressive behaviour and is faffing about over making another appointment. He told me we can have a day together tomorrow and the next time he will be free for a whole day with me will be in March. I'm thinking of leaving for a week to see the wide world out there that has been missing from my life whilst I have been dedicated to him for two years. There's no hope here is there?
sunrae Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 " . There's no hope here is there? If you are meaning there is no hope for a meanigful relationship, one that rocks your world and makes you feel special and loved... Then I would say NO, there is no hope for that.... My advice is get out while you are still young, and enjoy your life... He cant and is not willing to be the man you are looking for... To me when he said "you should enjoy me as I am" means, he's not going to change so take it or leave it.... Hes not going to change nor is he willing.... He sounds very self centered.. You deserve, need and want more... Go out there and find it...
Author oneheart Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Thanks I am still trying to figure out if people can change.... I felt I did: over fear of flying... anger management... through diet and exercise... they all changed me and my behaviour for the better for me and others... All I read is people (especially men) don't change and then read about successful marriage counselling where the guy will actually start to go against his natural behaviour to be with the one he loves... does this really happen?? Really? Ever???!! I don't believe it! I wonder if he will come back saying he will try... what then? He's plans to see the counsellor on his own to talk about things....
sunrae Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Thanks I am still trying to figure out if people can change.... I felt I did: over fear of flying... anger management... through diet and exercise... they all changed me and my behaviour for the better for me and others... All I read is people (especially men) don't change and then read about successful marriage counselling where the guy will actually start to go against his natural behaviour to be with the one he loves... does this really happen?? Really? Ever???!! I don't believe it! I wonder if he will come back saying he will try... what then? He's plans to see the counsellor on his own to talk about things.... yes, people can change, if they WANT to change... With the "take me as I am" comment, that sounds like he doesnt want to change.... My ex-husband was a cheater, a manipulator, and crushed my self esteem... We went to consuling right after we got married, and all he did was shift the blame on me.. Everything was my fault ect.. He wasnt open to trying to change and work things out... A year later I left the marriage, nothing was getting any better.... After I left, he said he wanted me back, I said things need to chnage. He said he was willing to do anything, even counseling again... I said fine, gave him a list of counselers and our insurance info.. I told him to call me, when he made the appointment and I would go... After this went back and fourth a few months, and never a counseling appt made, I filed for divorce.... My ex didnt want to change, he no intention of changing and I couldnt stay in a relationship that I was always being verably beat down and walking on egg shells all the time.
Author oneheart Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Crikey! ! aaarrghh!! Well done though.. ! Phew... that could be me huh?.... He wants to spend the day together tomorrow not talking just having a nice time together... Lord knows why. I said to him (he is unsure whether to carry on too) - if you think tomorrow is some kind of experiment to see if we can get on and have a good time forget it! We can't ignore it. I can't ignore being with a man who thinks that everything in the relationship is wrong because of me. It reminds me of days in my youth of sleeping with a guy I liked a lot but he didn't really want me. It's a feeling of being used. He cannot have the pleasure of my company tomorrow. I also said - if you want to know if we can have good times, think back to all the good times, we had them but they are not happening now. Of course I am tempted. I have said to him this is only a break. I'm hoping a few days away may detach me from him... and make him see sense (yeah right).. I know that would be an utter nightmare to have him come back and say "I'll try." I think I have to start this tonight. Not tomorrow. The thought of waking up here ... him upstairs with the dog on the bed to annoy me... (I'm allergic but sleeping downstairs at the mo). Or alternatively it will be him making breakfast, cooking a Sunday roast, buying me flowers, kisses and touches... compliments (all exceedingly rare might I say).. al lovely... but it doesn't change what he thinks of me... or himself.... why stick around for the heartache tomorrow... the decisions... another back from another forth.... I have to do it tonight....
sunrae Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Ok, I'm going to be brutally honest... The dog is sleeping upstairs with him and you are downstairs... For me BIG RED FLAG... Dont get me wrong I am a huge dog lover myself... But my dog does not sleep with me when my Significant other is staying over, nor does his dog sleep with us when I am over there... How can he expect you to "have a good time" tomorrow, when he knows you want to address these problems and get them worked out... If he truely cares for you, he should want to get the issues out of the way, then enjoy the day with you... I'm sure he cares for you, but doesnt sound like he cares for you the way YOU need to be cared for.. He's not emotionally available the way you need... If you can, I would walk out the door now.. That would send a reall big message, for him to come downstairs, and you are GONE. I wish you well. I know it's never easy... But you are not getting what you deserve. And youre not going to find than great man until you leave this one.
Author oneheart Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Thanks again - I don't mind brutally honest.. it what helps the most! I appreciate it. I'm downstairs because I choose to be, I can't sleep next to him when he ignores me cold all night in bed. He also won't sleep in OUR bed when we argue - he sleeps in the spare room. No doubt he will not sleep in our bed like some dramatic statement whilst I am away. I am not a dog lover...actually I do like dogs.... how HE is with the dog has been a constant bone of contention in the relationship - it's something I won't be sad to leave behind. In one of posts last year I gave him an ultimatum over it... well - actually I asked him to find an alternative place for the dog to stay instead of his on and off again sex buddy of ten years previous to meeting me (who is resentful of me and ignores me when we drop the dog off - no eye contact even though I stand right in front of her). He actually chose to leave me over this ...(it was the only place he is happy for the dog to go to - the dog had been staying there for 10 years never anywhere else really). Anyway, I panicked and said ok as I was just being jealous. Which I was! It's not right to be - but I got over it 95% thinking I can't lose a relationship over a dog! If it was meant to be between them they I can't stop that and I'm sure it would have all happened by now. I let it go and it was a great relief. See! I changed! However - of course I am still not good enough and leading by example obviously doesn't work for him. The dog has never slept on the bed since we got together. Nor do I let it sit and watch us eat. If I send the dog to his bed in the kitchen to get out from under my feet it really hurts my partners feelings that I send him away all the time. He accuses me of bullying the dog.... of course, the dog is his best friend... does everything he says and never answers back! He just had the dog on the bed last night to make a statement in that passive aggressive incredibly immature way he does. I just said - keep him off MY bedding. Which he did. Because of course... that is reasonable where as his reasonable argument for having the dog on the bed is that it was in the spare room not on our bed. Still - I don't want the dog on any bed that guests sleep on. And he knows that ... **** anyhow - i just said to myself - I am nit upsetting myself over this how he wants me to. So I just left it. He's just testing me. SO yeah.. I'm of for a bit. Unfortunately I have to pick him up from work and then he is dropping me at the train station.. I quite like the drama of that slamming door... empty house thing tho. Ah well... that moment probably will come at some point! If I am strong enough. My concern in this relationship is that I really do want to have some children. That's no father figure I'm with is it? My want for kids.. maybe some people can relate to this can be so gut wrenching sometimes... ugh! I get in such a mess over it (mostly privately though because I know now is not the time). I guess it's just nature's call... o for that day.... back to reality... I better pack.
gaudi Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 You do not sound happy at all in this relationship. You mention asking if it's possible for people to change. Well I honestly believe that people can change, it happens all the time, it happens a lot. But the thing is not to stay with someone in the hope that they will change. You make the change yourself by going and meeting someone new. Someone who is willing to take care of your needs, and someone who makes YOU happy. Not saying you should leave this guy, but I honestly can't see any argument for sticking around. Go with what you've said so far, get out of there for a bit, see where you end up.
Author oneheart Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Thanks Gaudi. I am not happy at all. Its the next day and I am at my sisters. I have written a list of all the things from the vitally important to the irritations ... there is a lot. I know I haven't helped myself in the situation. I have been studying, he has been supporting me financially but I don't have any friends or much of a life for myself. I really have dedicated so much time to him, his needs, his businsess and hobbies. I wasn't motivated to do anything for myself. That's not attractive I know. I think if I had felt my needs were met it would have freed me to go out and have a life. I think my demise happened as I never got what I needed from him. But there is no excuse - I was in pain, I just could not pick myself up. But it just seems so beyond all possibilities that he could ever give me what I need. Is it? I think I was in love with how I wanted him to be. Which he wasn't. I tried. I believe he loved me - but he was taker, not a giver (emotionally). Today I have to write a proposal for a travel fund to enable me to meet a famous musician to help me with my postgrad research. I have a lot of studying to do. I'm already behind. I dont even know if it's worth doing as I have no way of paying the university fees. He has supported me 100% and I have no money whatsoever, I have no idea how I am going to live and carry on studying - the study seems like the only thing that will give me anything worth living for! It's me, my research. Independantly mine. Special. Keeps me going.. Important point. I actually ended up saying it's over on the way to the train station last night. It just came out. I didn't intend to say it... it's just after everything I was saying about why it wasn't working for me and why I was taking some time away, I was met with his usual infuriating comments, I lost my cool and said that's it. He started back tracking a bit saying he has changed since we met... (but he has said people can't change and he doesn't want to). I said it's too late. He's scared I think but in his usual way not showing it. Just the odd comment very indirectly back pedalling. Do you know this behaviour?I am trying so hard to convince myself that I must go. I am still in the danger zone..... not completely convinced yet. Any advice how to get through the next few days? Thanks for everyone's support so far - honestly this is really helping me get through!
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