Oh Moe Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I now after 5 months can't believe some of the ways I acted, what an ass I was. I have always been a person who believes that what goes around comes around and those who do bad things have bad things happen to them, the worse they act the worse things come down on them. My Ex since leaving the first few weeks said she was doing so well and always told me and bragged about her new friends.( I never told her she couldn't do anything in three yrs.) Well I did a bad thing to her when she tried to come back because she was out of control. She is so stubborn she refuses to admit she made a mistake and her life is about to get flushed down the bowl. She leaves her kids regularly all night, leaving at 11pm or so and not returning to the next morning. Something that never happened when we were together, her new friends are all involved with drugs, she went from a good managerial job to a min. wage jobs. I've seen her (past her never confronting her) several times over the last few months and she even looks like crap, like a common druggie. She always took such pride in her whole self and that's just not there any longer. Her poor kids who I helped raise the last three years are even suffering and they will be the losers. I now have a dalema maybe some can answer or give advise. I have no feelings for her any longer. None. But I am a sucker and three times her new friends have confronted me wanting to fight and saying all types of really bad things about her all in front of my daughter. This lead to an official from the county to visit me at home, my daughter told her teacher what happened that her ex mom was trying to hurt her dad. This is the daughter who called her mom for three years and she called daughter. We were in the process of adoption, about 2/3 the way completed. I know many of the people she's involved with are either under surveillance or investigation. Do I tell her or give her a heads up ? Try to have one last face to face. If she does crash her kids will be probably be taken from her (her 7 and 11 year old still call and say they love me) and she will lose her job. The three years we were together the kids were always number one. But no longer. See this is the sucker in me coming out.
mickleb Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Dear OM You are in a horrible situation and children being taken away from their parent(s) is not a good thing. However, as someone who works in a care home for abused/neglected kids, I know it needs to happen sometimes. The thing is, you should not be the one to make the decision about whether this needs to happen or not. The authorities in place are trained to do that. Whether they make the best call on the situation for the future of those poor children involved, or not, cannot be determined by you, I or it seems, even - at the moment - their mother. What is clear is that Mum is not able to make good choices right now. It may be that Mum needs some help in supporting her kids at home. This process may find her that help. The kids may need to be homed elsewhere temporarily. There are many different outcomes that could occur. I would suggest that you do not contact Mum but consider contacting the authorities, if you feel you have information (positive or negative) that could help them to make the best decision for the kids. If you do not wish to do this, I understand completely but would advise you, instead, to walk away from this very painful situation. I am not saying that will be an easy thing to do and I would suggest you seek whatever help you need to do that. Whatever your choice, remain aware of what is your responsibility, without question: your beautiful daughter. She has probably been through enough herself, already and this process will be very tough on her. She needs your commitment 100% right now. She needs a strong, emotionally healthy father. You can and must provide this for her. I hope this gives you a little objectivity because, in situations like this, emotionally charged as they are, that is what is most needed. My very best wishes to you (and all the kids). And congratualations for being a good soul. That takes a lot of strength. x
Author Oh Moe Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 I am assuming that after the visit I got that the County Child Services will be visiting her in the near future anyway. I do not and will not get involved with this at all because no matter what happens she will blame me. If I am questioned I will not lie. I know I was the only stable dad these kids ever had and we got very attached in 3 years. The kids have told me some of the things that happen in the home since I was dumped and I always tell them to listen to their mom now I don't think that as a very good advice. Even though I have no feelings for her any longer I don't want to see the kids hurt, but I'm guessing that if I confront her about these issues she will not believe me anyway then when they visit she will say it was me. How does a person go from nearly perfect for three plus years to acting like a common crackhead over night ?
mickleb Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Oh Moe, indeed. I think your decision makes sense. Remember, if you happen to see the kids around you could, somehow, let them know you are willing to be a friend to them. If not now, in the future, maybe? I'll tell you this as, hopefully, some comfort: abused kids do not forget those in their lives who have shown them great kindness. For the moment, as I said before, be all the father you can be to your own. In answer to your final question, I guess it's called a nervous breakdown? Mum was, obviously, good at keeping a lot of pain from reaching the surface. Too good, it sounds, as now the lid has come off, she can't cope at all. I guess, the only message you need to remember when it comes to her is that she now needs professional help. Let's hope she gets it. Take care. x
Author Oh Moe Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Oh Moe, indeed. I think your decision makes sense. Remember, if you happen to see the kids around you could, somehow, let them know you are willing to be a friend to them. If not now, in the future, maybe? I'll tell you this as, hopefully, some comfort: abused kids do not forget those in their lives who have shown them great kindness. For the moment, as I said before, be all the father you can be to your own. In answer to your final question, I guess it's called a nervous breakdown? Mum was, obviously, good at keeping a lot of pain from reaching the surface. Too good, it sounds, as now the lid has come off, she can't cope at all. I guess, the only message you need to remember when it comes to her is that she now needs professional help. Let's hope she gets it. Take care. x The help thing.. After the break up and she was down right rude and mean to my daughter I had to take her to counseling at the schools request, and I told her that and asked her if she would be willing to come. I explained her situation to the counselor. I had just about had her agreeing to it say well maybe we'll see. We even talked of it after the break for about an hour. Then she started to hang with the losers and she just wouldn't even talk of it after that, just no. Then we started talking less and less because she knows I refuse to hang or even associate with these type of people. One thing we always said was it's all about the kids nothing more. I am not kidding about her being nearly perfect in every way, much more then me then over night. POW
mickleb Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Moe Someone hiding such pain is not perfect, although they may make a good actor. Ultimately, you weren't dating the whole person. Just some kind of attractive wrapper. Move along as best you can and you will soon be happy that you were wise enough to dodge this bullet. Take care of your kids. x
Author Oh Moe Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Moe Someone hiding such pain is not perfect, although they may make a good actor. Ultimately, you weren't dating the whole person. Just some kind of attractive wrapper. Move along as best you can and you will soon be happy that you were wise enough to dodge this bullet. Take care of your kids. x Her birthday was last week and my kids wanted to bring her at least a card and drop off her kids Christmas gifts and I was putting them off. So Friday I agreed we would stop by her work I wasn't going to go in. I seen her in the parking lot smoking. They didn't see her but I did, she looks so bad I thought she would scare my kids. She is very thin you could see the bones in her arms and cheeks and she walking all leaning to one side like she was beat up. I made up an excuse and said well her car's not here. I was so sad to see someone who had a terrific body, long brown hair and always so well groomed. She looked as though they just came out of a crack den and hadn't cleaned in weeks. WOW.
mickleb Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Sounds like she could be playing Russian Roulette daily. I hope the children aren't being exposed to how *I'm guessing* she's funding her habit and that they get the help they need as soon as possible. This must be very hard on you, OM. You need to be focused on detaching yourself from how she is and concentrating on how you are doing, as well as your kids. So sorry you are witness to all this. x
Author Oh Moe Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Sounds like she could be playing Russian Roulette daily. I hope the children aren't being exposed to how *I'm guessing* she's funding her habit and that they get the help they need as soon as possible. This must be very hard on you, OM. You need to be focused on detaching yourself from how she is and concentrating on how you are doing, as well as your kids. So sorry you are witness to all this. x I am also, although I have no feelings for any longer it's the sucker in me that makes me feel bad because I feel so used as to what we had and where we could have been at this time. My daughter I just found out text her to say Happy Birthday. They actually went back and forth with my daughter asking to see her and she said one day after school. We used to see her but I know avoid her there, she picks up one of her kids in the school as my daughter. I explained to her that it's not a good idea at this time and we would visit the idea in a few weeks. She told me that the ex was going to help her with do something with her hair. It just can't happen with her like this.
sedgwick Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 She's leaving a SEVEN-YEAR-OLD in the house alone all night?!?! That's criminal behavior -- like, literally criminal. I don't get it why the authorities came to your house, but I hope they'll go to hers too! Can you somehow anonymously report that she's doing this?
Author Oh Moe Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 She's leaving a SEVEN-YEAR-OLD in the house alone all night?!?! That's criminal behavior -- like, literally criminal. I don't get it why the authorities came to your house, but I hope they'll go to hers too! Can you somehow anonymously report that she's doing this? No there are three all together she has. 7,11 and a 15 year old but we don't talk of him.
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