BootsElectric Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now. We've had some great times, with few bad spots. One thing that has become more and more of an issue is how seldom we have sex. We went from a few times a week to once a week, to every few weeks. Now, once a month if I'm lucky. You can see one of my older topics of mine about her unfortunately getting pregnant one of those few and far between times. She had an abortion, and we obviously didn't have sex during that time. It was a definite rough patch, but we seemed to be getting better and better. Last month on my birthday was our first sexual encounter in two months. That one time, and then a few days later she left to go home for the holidays. Fast forward three weeks of being gone, I picked her up from the airport last friday. We hung out a couple days, asides from a kiss hello and goodbye, nothing. What was once testosterone induced irritation has turned into something more. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here, we're a young couple in our 20's. Obviously the pregnancy issue is a big one, but we have been working our way through it very well, things seem like they are going back to normal, except for our sex lives. I realize the only times I've mentioned the issue have been guised as jokes, which I don't want to, nor should I have to do. I'm really starting to feel torn up about this. I've always been an affectionate person, and to really no physical response is starting to hurt. Added to the fact the whole relationship is starting to seem more platonic, I'm really getting tired of it all. Any idea on the best was to approach the subject to her? I don't know if I can't wait until tuesday when I'm going to see her to talk about it, I'm considering calling her right now.
aerogurl87 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 OP I have a question. Did she actually want to have the abortion or did you talk her into doing it eventually?
Author BootsElectric Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 OP I have a question. Did she actually want to have the abortion or did you talk her into doing it eventually? From the beginning it was her choice. I told her I backed her 100% either way. I'm not trying to sugar coat my role, but honestly, I was incredibly supportive the entire ordeal.
aerogurl87 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 From the beginning it was her choice. I told her I backed her 100% either way. I'm not trying to sugar coat my role, but honestly, I was incredibly supportive the entire ordeal. Well she's probably still in a grieving process. I mean you gotta understand, a woman has a bond to her baby that is indescribable even if that child is never actually born. She probably feels like someone close to her just died and is going through some type of depression. Next time you see her ask her if there is anything you can do for her, even if that means giving her space.
Kamille Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Many women go through depression after an abortion. Could this be the case? Do you think the abortion and her efforts to try and cope with the stress of it might have anything to do with her diminished sex-drive? Did she have follow-up appointments with a therapists after the abortion?
Author BootsElectric Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 aerogurl- On one hand I can totally understand that. But on the other hand I've done nothing but do everything I can for her the past few months. I've given all I could, supported and best as possible, and yet, asked for nothing the whole time, knowing how damaging the experience was for her. But to not feel genuinely loved for months now is killing me. I don't think I'm being unreasonable in this.
threebyfate Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Boots, if she's important enough to you, how about some form of couple's therapy? Abortion isn't easy for either party.
Author BootsElectric Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Maybe that is the solution. I still love her, but again, I'm unsure of how to begin to even address the issue. How should I go about bringing this up?
Zeegagge Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 You think she should be moving past the abortion trauma at the same pace you are but in reality it may be much harder for her. I think its affecting her more than you think. Try to have some good communication with her and tell her you're there for her no matter what. Find out what is really going on with all of this and quick. Get her to reveal I hope you realize your relationship is at an extreme risk of ending right now.
threebyfate Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 "I love you. With this, comes the need for physical contact and lovemaking. Without these elements, I feel unloved and no, it's not all about sex, this includes physical affection. The pregnancy and abortion haven't been easy on either one of us, you more than I, since its your body. But to hear you say to me that you don't want physical contact with me, has hurt me deeply. Once again, I love you and want to make our relationship work. Maybe we need some couples counseling, so we can talk openly with each other about the hurt we're experiencing. Consider this so we can continue to be "us", rather than two separate people."
Boundary Problem Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 "I love you. With this, comes the need for physical contact and lovemaking. Without these elements, I feel unloved and no, it's not all about sex, this includes physical affection. The pregnancy and abortion haven't been easy on either one of us, you more than I, since its your body. But to hear you say to me that you don't want physical contact with me, has hurt me deeply. Once again, I love you and want to make our relationship work. Maybe we need some couples counseling, so we can talk openly with each other about the hurt we're experiencing. Consider this so we can continue to be "us", rather than two separate people." makes sense to me.
mem11363 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 When a woman is really into you - she is very sexual. Just how women are wired. Are you too nice to her? Being too nice is death to a womans sex drive. I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now. We've had some great times, with few bad spots. One thing that has become more and more of an issue is how seldom we have sex. We went from a few times a week to once a week, to every few weeks. Now, once a month if I'm lucky. You can see one of my older topics of mine about her unfortunately getting pregnant one of those few and far between times. She had an abortion, and we obviously didn't have sex during that time. It was a definite rough patch, but we seemed to be getting better and better. Last month on my birthday was our first sexual encounter in two months. That one time, and then a few days later she left to go home for the holidays. Fast forward three weeks of being gone, I picked her up from the airport last friday. We hung out a couple days, asides from a kiss hello and goodbye, nothing. What was once testosterone induced irritation has turned into something more. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here, we're a young couple in our 20's. Obviously the pregnancy issue is a big one, but we have been working our way through it very well, things seem like they are going back to normal, except for our sex lives. I realize the only times I've mentioned the issue have been guised as jokes, which I don't want to, nor should I have to do. I'm really starting to feel torn up about this. I've always been an affectionate person, and to really no physical response is starting to hurt. Added to the fact the whole relationship is starting to seem more platonic, I'm really getting tired of it all. Any idea on the best was to approach the subject to her? I don't know if I can't wait until tuesday when I'm going to see her to talk about it, I'm considering calling her right now.
Boundary Problem Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 When a woman is really into you - she is very sexual. Just how women are wired. Are you too nice to her? Being too nice is death to a womans sex drive. absence is death to a woman's sex drive
Author BootsElectric Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Ok, I think I'm starting to form what I want to say, but should I wait to do it in person? I really want to get this off my chest now, but I don't know if doing it over the phone is wise.
threebyfate Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 When a woman is really into you - she is very sexual. Just how women are wired. Are you too nice to her? Being too nice is death to a womans sex drive.I would think that an unwanted pregnancy, followed by an abortion, would kill a woman's sex drive much faster than being nice...
threebyfate Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Ok, I think I'm starting to form what I want to say, but should I wait to do it in person? I really want to get this off my chest now, but I don't know if doing it over the phone is wise.Most definitely in person. This way, both of you can read each other's body language, as well as hopefully, provide each other with emotional support.
boogieboy Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I would think that an unwanted pregnancy, followed by an abortion, would kill a woman's sex drive much faster than being nice... I'll wager that she doesnt WANT to have sex with you for fear that you will knock her up again. Since she knows you like going bareback, she doesnt want to get scared by an unwanted pregnancy again. I think thats the main problem. You might be sunk my dude. have you been pestering her for sex? If you have that wont help your cause. If you havent mentioned it yet, and youre just now coming to her with this...I wonder if she will actually be honest with you about it. She probably wont come out and say "I lost my attraction to you because of the abortion.." because that would mean that she has emotionally checked out of your realtionship with you. Only way to save that is to make her jealous, or take a break from her for a while.
threebyfate Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Only way to save that is to make her jealous, or take a break from her for a while.And this is how and why men get dumped.
adamt Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 last 4 months of my relationship with my ex we hardly had sex. in the end i gave up trying to initiate things. her body languge just made me feel uncormfortable initiating it. he mom was terminally ill and eventually passed away. i thought that ws causing it so thought things would return to normal eventually but they didnt and we broke up. if it is affecting the relationship you need to bring it up before it is too late. your relationship wont last without intimacy. you need to find out if there is a reason that can be fixed or she is just detaching herself from the eh relationship. in my case i wish i brought it up sooner. it will just get worse and eat into the relationship if you dont make efforts to talk about it
bayouboi Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Pretty much the same reason I broke up with my ex minus the abortion part. I felt that once she stopped having sex with me, she was no longer attracted to me. And yes, I was probably too nice of a guy. Anyhow, I broke things off because without the physical part of the relationship, it didn't feel like a relationship at all. Hurts losing her, but it also hurt having her but not being able to HAVE her. Good luck whatever you decide to do and I wish you the best.
harmfulsweetz Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 (edited) Did your sex life dwindle before/after the abortion? This should indicate the cause, or at least possible cause. If it's after, then chances are, she's still grieving. Many women feel *wrong* for grieving an aborted baby, because it was their choice to abort it, even though it's completely normal and natural to grieve. Have you both spoken to each other about it? Chances are, she's not at your stage in the grieving process, and you have to understand this. She's already had the bond you didn't have, and while you may think enough is enough, time to move on, she's at a standstill. Boogieboy, could be right, she could also fear it happening again. You must remember that she had a more traumatic time with the abortion, than you did. It's always harder for the woman as it happened to her body, not to yours. I would broach the issue as threebyfate says, be tactful but honest. Don't make it all about the sex, focus on physical affection, and explain that you want to be there 100% for her through this time, through everytime, and are willing to listen every time she needs to talk. Individual therapy may help her overcome her grief. Don't say 'you're not doing this' etc, make it about your feelings, 'I feel this when we don't...' that way she's more likely to not be offended, and feel attacked. You want to hear her out, as well as she hear you. Also, as boogieboy says, don't push her for it. It'll have the adverse effect. You could try setting time aside for sex, i.e. every friday night each of you makes a concerted effort to do it, until you fall back into a rhythm. Or, you could simply try and up the physical affection scale, i.e. sitting, watching a movie, cuddling etc. She's distancing herself from you,probably out of a subconscious fear. If you push her for it, she'll hate you, do something romantic, i.e. run her a lovely bath, candles, etc, it may relax her etc. She needs to know you care for her, and understand what she's going through. Edited January 16, 2010 by harmfulsweetz
happy again Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Tricky subject but i was in a similar situaton and a friend told me about a site that helped him, my girlfriend and i are now happier than we ever could have been before, sometimes its easy to say the wrong thing when you think its helping
happy again Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 SORRY I FORGOT TO GIVE A LINK TO IT http://linkbee.com/loverules
OnlyJake Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I've been with my girlfriend for just over a year now. We've had some great times, with few bad spots. One thing that has become more and more of an issue is how seldom we have sex. We went from a few times a week to once a week, to every few weeks. Now, once a month if I'm lucky. You can see one of my older topics of mine about her unfortunately getting pregnant one of those few and far between times. She had an abortion, and we obviously didn't have sex during that time. It was a definite rough patch, but we seemed to be getting better and better. Last month on my birthday was our first sexual encounter in two months. That one time, and then a few days later she left to go home for the holidays. Fast forward three weeks of being gone, I picked her up from the airport last friday. We hung out a couple days, asides from a kiss hello and goodbye, nothing. What was once testosterone induced irritation has turned into something more. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here, we're a young couple in our 20's. Obviously the pregnancy issue is a big one, but we have been working our way through it very well, things seem like they are going back to normal, except for our sex lives. I realize the only times I've mentioned the issue have been guised as jokes, which I don't want to, nor should I have to do. I'm really starting to feel torn up about this. I've always been an affectionate person, and to really no physical response is starting to hurt. Added to the fact the whole relationship is starting to seem more platonic, I'm really getting tired of it all. Any idea on the best was to approach the subject to her? I don't know if I can't wait until tuesday when I'm going to see her to talk about it, I'm considering calling her right now. While I agree that the abortion/depression could be an issue for your sex lives, from the bolded part of your OP it sounds like lack of sex was an issue before her pregnancy/abortion, is that correct?
Itzo Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Rarely have sex anymore, how do I bring it up? . Touching is very powerful build-up of sexual tension & elevating the sexual energy
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