Sometimes I feel weak....

[BreakingUpIsCrap]

NC Day 18 and I am feeling great, although sometimes I feel weak enough to nearly break it. The issue is that I have recently found out some shocking stuff about her and the possibility that she may have a serious personality disorder. Suddenly everything seems to make sense and line up.

 

One of the things that I have found out is that she's had numerous short term relationships, and I am beginning to suspect that she's always run away after a time.

 

Also she tells little porkies to perpetuate this dreamy lifestyle she craves, yet doesn't have yet....but pretends she's there.

 

I am so glad our relationship crashed, as I would've felt obligated to help...still do BTW.

 

Anyone know much about Bi-Polar? I am so scared for this lady...

[HLP234]

I don't know much about Bi polar but I can tell you some of the symptoms. My ex used to take depression medication a long time ago, but not anymore. Its been years since she took it.

 

She would have days where she would be happy and fine, and then all of a sudden she would be sad...or anything you said would make her upset or hurt her feelings..any little comment literally.

 

Her mood would change completely. Which is why I think she left me without saying anything. Some people may have this disorder but its not so apparent. Causes them to think differently at times and not realize that the way they are going through things is really shutting out important factors.

 

Of course there is more that can cause this type of behavior..birth control I think is one of them too (not causing Bi-polar) but it affects so many chemicals in the brain which over time, changes behavior slowly.

[BreakingUpIsCrap]

Of course there is more that can cause this type of behavior..birth control I think is one of them too (not causing Bi-polar) but it affects so many chemicals in the brain which over time, changes behavior slowly.

 

 

Some choice, eh? either have 10 kids that will drive you looney, or have a mad wife on birth control?

 

I have been reading up on the condition and boy, the symptoms are there...all of them, especially that feeling of elation and invincibility to absolute uselessness all within the same hour.

 

I truly hope she gets herself some help. I have toyed with the idea of asking her about it, but fer the fallout of it all. Her close old friends seem to know about the flaw, but have never really fessed up to it. Some friends, huh?

[HLP234]

Yup it all seems apparent. I remember times when she would be extremely happy and then within a half hour it would be blah or she would just put blame on me and say I'm not being happy or acting different.

 

Of course her friends won't say anything. They will always take her side on it. They probably don't even see it because when women are with their friends, its different. They don't spend as much time with them as they do with their partners.

 

And I would suggest not indicating that to her, she will blow up on you. I have had it done to me and it was not fun. She tore me to shreds. I didn't metnion By-polar..but one time when we were on our "break" before she left me I said something about the way she was talking about the relationship was creating unrealistic ideas or something of that nature.

 

Her response was now you think I am crazy!! Then she got really upset as usual when I didn't even mean or mention those words to her. It would be best if her family confronted her on this rather than anyone else. Or one day she may realize something is not right and seek treatment herself.

 

I always thought my ex could be Bi-polar but never payed much attention to it, always ruled it out until how things got so complicated when we didn't even date for that long, then she suddenly left. That is when I realized the problem is with her and her past, nothing I did wrong.

[BreakingUpIsCrap]

 

I always thought my ex could be Bi-polar but never payed much attention to it, always ruled it out until how things got so complicated when we didn't even date for that long, then she suddenly left. That is when I realized the problem is with her and her past, nothing I did wrong.

 

I have spent the last 3 months looking at everything about her, us and the arguments we had. She's blamed me for a lot of stuff, and the grandiose ideas get me wound up, because she has them too.

 

I may have said things that triggered her anger, just like you did with your ex. Did you ever feel the need to help her?

 

I take your advice on the confrontation bit. I still worry though as she has a young son, the biggest whopper she told me was his dad is dead.... turns out she "killed" him in conversation and chap's still walking the streets, and happy that she says he's dead as he never wants to see her again. I have wondered what happened between them to make him go like that. Also why would she "kill him off"? This last point I could really do with an answer from her....

[HLP234]

Well since I always ruled it out, I didn't really think of it much. She would switch birth control all the time because they would make her get headaches and such..so I would account her moodiness and behavior to that.

 

I wanted to help her but I realized there was nothing I could do because once on our break she did not want to talk about the relationship. Wanted me to act normal, hang out and do stuff like nothing happened. I was torn apart by this and then realized there is nothing to do if the other person is not willing to work with you.

 

What she means by killed him of I would guess is that she had some argument with him and told him off. Probably tore him up badly inside that he realized he couldn't take it anymore with her. Some people get angry and don't know how to deal with things. So they just run off.

 

The reason its hard to figure out if someone has a problem is because all women behave in similar ways when it comes to emotional behavior. All of them get upset, say things to make themselves look like the victim. Everyone wants to be right in a way. But when the other person really starts to worry about such things and notices differences, then its true that there may be a problem somewhere.

[bananaboat11]

Advice I got from someone else on this issue...

 

Three differences are worthy of note.

First, what they want is not the same thing as what they are attracted to. Sure they want every man to offer himself to them so they can give him and LJBF Speech on the grounds that he is not "a challenge". Another notch on the lipstick case, as Pat Benatar would put it.

Second, what they want in the long run, Bonding, your first scenario above, is not the same as what they want in the short run, Qualifying, your second scenario above. You have to prove you are a man first before they give a damn whether you are also a gentleman. Qualifying must precede Bonding, or, to put it another way, Bonding that is not matched by Qualifying is worthless.

Third, and most important, the LSE (low self-esteem) types care more about Qualifying and the HSE (high self-esteem) types more about Bonding. So basically you should know that the LSE types, your second type, are out there, so you don't get too stunned or cynicalized by what you see, but do not take them too seriously. Granted that the fundamental challenge for most men is to avoid sad women, and these women are to be avoided for anything other than sex.

But if sex is all you want, then being "callous" (as one recent poster put it) is indeed the way to go, no doubt about it. Just don't think it's going to turn into Happily Ever After, because women who, in the final anaylsis, respond positively to being treated negatively (and vice versa) are psychologically incapable of pulling that off.

 

she was not only LSE but LSE of the avoidant sub-type (avoiding intimacy), and not only avoidant but avoidant of the over-acting sub-type, taking a "wallowing" attitude toward sexuality because of not being able to integrate her sexuality with her Damaged Goods/Wounded Soul personality, so that the two have to live in separate worlds. To regard sex as two people who like each other being nice to each other by making each other feel good is the last thing a woman like that can do, because it is too scary, by being too shockingly intimate. So in order to avoid that they retreat into role-playing and over-acting. I suppose you have seen that.

Anyway, the challenge for men is to avoid sad women, because if you get with a sad woman, what will happen is not that she will become happy on the grounds that you love her, but that she will, after a brief honeymoon period, revert to her natural state of sadness, the only difference being that instead of blaming her sadness on being alone she will now blame it on you. This is the universal fate of men who become involved with LSE women. I suppose at this point you know that.

By the way, the word "self-esteem" seems to be undergoing a shift of meaning to where in women in means "self-rating of beauty" which, granted that women are not blind and there is such a thin as mirrors, means little more than "beauty". Matters have reached the point where it is almost logically impossible for a beautiful woman to have low self-esteem. But I guarantee you there are plenty of beautiful women with low self-esteem, if the meaning of the term is properly understood.

Don't ignore the other two things I wrote. Healthy relating to women is very difficult to define, because what works with HSE women is a cross between 1) what works with LSE women, and 2) what works with no women, and it is very difficult to know where to draw the various lines between being a Jerk and Nice Guy, and too soon versus too late. As a general rule I would say 1) seek no approval, show no fear of rejection, 2) demonstrate tolerance of conflict, and 3) get to know her on a deep level, and make it clear that you are doing this. For the last, I mean 1) find out about her "passion", and 2) notice and comment on anything special about her, especially if it relates to her passion.

 

There is no point in having a woman like that come back. Just more torture. They do not get better. Still, I sympathize with you when is comes to having these irrational feelings. My first-love-at-first-sig ht was not exactly a model of mental health. Far from it, I do not think she has ever been happy in her life and I doubt she ever will be. But still, because she did not want me, and that hurt so much, when last spring I got an email indicating that she had been doing internet searches on me, I freaked out, and wound up spending most of the summer wondering whether I would rather have her than my wife, something that anyone who knew them both could tell you is ABSOLUTELY NUTS. But still, that desire to have her like me was so strong ... I still find myself thinking that maybe if my wife gets run over by a beer truck or whatever I should contact her. Even that is nuts. But it can be so hard to admit that all the love in the world poured into a woman's Bottomless Pit of Despair is not going to make her happy. Like I said, the challenge is to avoid sad women. You failed once. Don't fail again.

 

Made me understand more than I thought...

[BreakingUpIsCrap]

Well since I always ruled it out, I didn't really think of it much. She would switch birth control all the time because they would make her get headaches and such..so I would account her moodiness and behavior to that.

 

I wanted to help her but I realized there was nothing I could do because once on our break she did not want to talk about the relationship. Wanted me to act normal, hang out and do stuff like nothing happened. I was torn apart by this and then realized there is nothing to do if the other person is not willing to work with you.

 

Over the last few weeks I've wondered how I can help her, but as I have read deeper into this thing, I realise that being outside of a relationship with her makes it a daunting fact. My only driving force is the knowledge that all the men that came before me decided to walk away instead of doing something.

 

What she means by killed him of I would guess is that she had some argument with him and told him off. Probably tore him up badly inside that he realized he couldn't take it anymore with her. Some people get angry and don't know how to deal with things. So they just run off.

 

 

There may well be some truth in this, but why lie to her son about his father? But I can see how a guy could walk away from my ex without ever turning back....Here's a quote I saw today at one of the sites.... "Quote: She goes from loving me to ignoring me to needing me to treating me like dirt. "

 

I could have written this one....took the words right off my keyboard..lol

 

 

The reason its hard to figure out if someone has a problem is because all women behave in similar ways when it comes to emotional behavior. All of them get upset, say things to make themselves look like the victim. Everyone wants to be right in a way. But when the other person really starts to worry about such things and notices differences, then its true that there may be a problem somewhere.

 

Spoke to a close friend of hers tonight, and funny woman says she knew there was a personality issue as far back as 15 years ago!! Guess who introduced me to said lady? Women, eh?

 

Here, read that post by Jessica...

 

http://bpd.meetup.com/boards/thread/7511761

 

Shocking, but so so true...

[HLP234]

Its true that low self esteem women will always have this type of problem. They are the ones who usually go crazy about you in the beginning. Then you do everything they want to make them feel secure.

 

After that, they realize that something is different, perhaps if they have been treated badly in the past. They tend to blame things on you, telling you they don't know what is wrong and they need to figure things out. Because of their low self esteem, no matter how many things you say to make them feel better, they don't notice it.

 

They end up comparing you to others, bringing their problems from the past on you. This only ends up causing more problems for yourself, leaving you to wonder what you can do. When in reality there is nothing much you can do about it..because they won't listen to you. Usually, low self esteem and stubborn come together in one package.