katiedidnt Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Hi. I'm new here but I need to get this off my chest and maybe get a sense of perspective. About 5 years ago I got involved in an emotional affair with a married man. I was young and dumb and I didn't realize what it was until I was in it. I thought I was just lending a sympathetic ear to someone who was going through a really rough time, and we were both under a lot of stress (we were both in the navy and deployed at the time.) We got emotionally close over the course of several months and kissed once, and then decided it couldn't happen again. He wanted to give his marriage an honest try and I agreed to step out of the picture, and we didn't talk or see each other for months. We had to get in touch about something work related and I sent a slightly flirtatious/friendly email, and his wife found it and went totally crazy on me. Basically she stalked me, my family, contacted some of my friends - it was a horrible, horrible, horrible situation and I had to get the police involved to stop the harrassment. I explained that nothing had happened but it wasn't enough - she had set out to ruin me. I explained the entire thing to her - that we were close, and he wanted to work on his marriage, and we hadn't talked, but she was still insane with rage. OK fast forward to now. I still can't really move past this. I feel so incredibly bad about the whole thing, and I still honestly live in fear that this woman is going to come out of the woodwork and slander and destroy me. I haven't spoken to him at all - I don't even know if he's still married. I screwed up big time and I know and I'm sorry, but I'm still so scared that this will come back to haunt me. Please tell me if I'm crazy. When I say she went crazy, I mean, she went CRAZY ("I won't rest until I've ruined your life and career!"). Do I have reason to be afraid? Do you think she would still harbor this rage at me after all these years? Please help. -K
Dexter Morgan Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Hi. I'm new here but I need to get this off my chest and maybe get a sense of perspective. About 5 years ago I got involved in an emotional affair with a married man. I was young and dumb and I didn't realize what it was until I was in it. I thought I was just lending a sympathetic ear to someone who was going through a really rough time, and we were both under a lot of stress (we were both in the navy and deployed at the time.) We got emotionally close over the course of several months and kissed once, and then decided it couldn't happen again. He wanted to give his marriage an honest try and I agreed to step out of the picture, and we didn't talk or see each other for months. We had to get in touch about something work related and I sent a slightly flirtatious/friendly email, and his wife found it and went totally crazy on me. Basically she stalked me, my family, contacted some of my friends - it was a horrible, horrible, horrible situation and I had to get the police involved to stop the harrassment. I explained that nothing had happened but it wasn't enough - she had set out to ruin me. I explained the entire thing to her - that we were close, and he wanted to work on his marriage, and we hadn't talked, but she was still insane with rage. problem is, she has now way of knowing the truth. thing is, you realized what you were doing was wrong, he did to, so you decided to do the right thing. BUT, what was the point of being flirtatious in the email about if you both agreed it was inappropriate? look at it from her point of view, you tell her nothing happened and that you both had decided to not get involved, but then she finds a flirtatious email. how would it look to you? would you believe a woman that told you nothing was going on that JUST sent an inappropriate email to your husband? OK fast forward to now. I still can't really move past this. I feel so incredibly bad about the whole thing, and I still honestly live in fear that this woman is going to come out of the woodwork and slander and destroy me. I haven't spoken to him at all - I don't even know if he's still married. I screwed up big time and I know and I'm sorry, but I'm still so scared that this will come back to haunt me. well how long has it been? sounds like its been a while. my guess is she has moved on and you are insignificant to her. I would just try to forget it. Please tell me if I'm crazy. When I say she went crazy, I mean, she went CRAZY ("I won't rest until I've ruined your life and career!"). understand the mind of us spouses that catch a cheating spouse for the first time, or any time I suppose. We WILL go crazy. Some more than others. When d-day hits, we aren't real rational. Neither was I. I was irrational(when I came to my senses, I divorced her) she has probably calmed down, hell, she may have divorced his worthless butt and might even be thinking you did her a favor. who knows. Do I have reason to be afraid? Do you think she would still harbor this rage at me after all these years? as someone who was initially mad at the OM, I'd say no, she probably doesn't still harbor the rage, but everyone is different.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 It was a hard lessen to learn, and I hope you can refer to this before you do this again. IMHO, at 5 years, her rage is no doubt less than it was .... say 4 years ago.....and therefore likely she will not act on it. It is MUCH more common for people to threaten than to act on it. However, if this is occupying your mind so much, at 5 years out....have you considered counceling?
Author katiedidnt Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 problem is, she has now way of knowing the truth. thing is, you realized what you were doing was wrong, he did to, so you decided to do the right thing. BUT, what was the point of being flirtatious in the email about if you both agreed it was inappropriate? look at it from her point of view, you tell her nothing happened and that you both had decided to not get involved, but then she finds a flirtatious email. how would it look to you? would you believe a woman that told you nothing was going on that JUST sent an inappropriate email to your husband? well how long has it been? sounds like its been a while. my guess is she has moved on and you are insignificant to her. I would just try to forget it. understand the mind of us spouses that catch a cheating spouse for the first time, or any time I suppose. We WILL go crazy. Some more than others. When d-day hits, we aren't real rational. Neither was I. I was irrational(when I came to my senses, I divorced her) she has probably calmed down, hell, she may have divorced his worthless butt and might even be thinking you did her a favor. who knows. as someone who was initially mad at the OM, I'd say no, she probably doesn't still harbor the rage, but everyone is different. well the email was more overly familiar than flirtatious. The kind of thing that probably set off alarm bells of "hmm this person is too friendly." by that point I was over the emotional affair and being friendly, like I would with an ex, but I shouldn't have. And then in my guilt I told her that we had been too close, it was a mistake, etc. Arghh. Thanks for your reply. Just trying to get a sense of proportion on this.
Author katiedidnt Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 It was a hard lessen to learn, and I hope you can refer to this before you do this again. IMHO, at 5 years, her rage is no doubt less than it was .... say 4 years ago.....and therefore likely she will not act on it. It is MUCH more common for people to threaten than to act on it. However, if this is occupying your mind so much, at 5 years out....have you considered counceling? I'm considering it. I hadn't really thought aobut it in a while and something recently reminded me and it sent me into this tailspin of anxiety. And yes, I learned. Married men who want to talk about their problems with me now get referred to the chaplain or their wives or anyone other than me. Those boundaries do not get crossed, ever.
silktricks Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 5 years is a long time. She's probably over it, especially if you haven't seen any evidence of "getting even" during those years. However, I would avoid crossing her path, as seeing you could possibly still trigger latent anger - especially if she's still married to the guy.
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Chances are, sadly he threw you under the bus and denied everything, made you out to be the bad guy - Hense her freaking out. MOST BS's do have anger towards the Ow, but they also have MORE anger towards their cheating spouses. Forgive yourself. You were young and made some bad choices. She harrassed you, enough for you to have to involve the police.. She chose to react badly, that was out of your control.. All you can do is try to move on, again - forgive yourself and let go. It's the past...What counts is who you are now, what you learned from the past and making sure you don't ever put yourself in a situation (affair) again and grow from that experience.
Space Ritual Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Hi. I'm new here but I need to get this off my chest and maybe get a sense of perspective. About 5 years ago I got involved in an emotional affair with a married man. I was young and dumb and I didn't realize what it was until I was in it. I thought I was just lending a sympathetic ear to someone who was going through a really rough time, and we were both under a lot of stress (we were both in the navy and deployed at the time.) We got emotionally close over the course of several months and kissed once, and then decided it couldn't happen again. He wanted to give his marriage an honest try and I agreed to step out of the picture, and we didn't talk or see each other for months. We had to get in touch about something work related and I sent a slightly flirtatious/friendly email, and his wife found it and went totally crazy on me. Basically she stalked me, my family, contacted some of my friends - it was a horrible, horrible, horrible situation and I had to get the police involved to stop the harrassment. I explained that nothing had happened but it wasn't enough - she had set out to ruin me. I explained the entire thing to her - that we were close, and he wanted to work on his marriage, and we hadn't talked, but she was still insane with rage. OK fast forward to now. I still can't really move past this. I feel so incredibly bad about the whole thing, and I still honestly live in fear that this woman is going to come out of the woodwork and slander and destroy me. I haven't spoken to him at all - I don't even know if he's still married. I screwed up big time and I know and I'm sorry, but I'm still so scared that this will come back to haunt me. Please tell me if I'm crazy. When I say she went crazy, I mean, she went CRAZY ("I won't rest until I've ruined your life and career!"). Do I have reason to be afraid? Do you think she would still harbor this rage at me after all these years? Please help. -K You never know. 5 years is a long time, yet please be reminded that their marriage may never have recovered. Even though the Husband is as much to blame as you are, not all betrayed spouses see it that way. I am just saying that many will be more than happy to overlook their own spouses hand in the affair and basically give them a pass and totally blame the affair partner. Most likely the email that was discovered brought back some painful memories. And what Whichway said is probably correct in that he threw you under the bus and she bought it that its basically all your fault. I would just at all costs avoid having any contact with him or her. Even if it is work related have contact be done by someone else. remember that perception is reality for most people, so in her mind you are synonymous with bad things in her life. Whether it is right or wrong she is still entitled to feel anyway she wants. After all, you did have an EA with her husband. And for all she knows anything in the email sounded like an attempt to rekindle the romance. Once again, perception is reality
Author katiedidnt Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 You never know. 5 years is a long time, yet please be reminded that their marriage may never have recovered. Even though the Husband is as much to blame as you are, not all betrayed spouses see it that way. I am just saying that many will be more than happy to overlook their own spouses hand in the affair and basically give them a pass and totally blame the affair partner. Most likely the email that was discovered brought back some painful memories. And what Whichway said is probably correct in that he threw you under the bus and she bought it that its basically all your fault. I would just at all costs avoid having any contact with him or her. Even if it is work related have contact be done by someone else. remember that perception is reality for most people, so in her mind you are synonymous with bad things in her life. Whether it is right or wrong she is still entitled to feel anyway she wants. After all, you did have an EA with her husband. And for all she knows anything in the email sounded like an attempt to rekindle the romance. Once again, perception is reality well I haven't had any contact with him since she freaked out years ago. No emails or anything. We don't work together or cross paths anymore at all - I don't even know where they're living or if they're a "they" anymore. I'm just scared that might career might someday end up with my name getting out there a little (I'm trying to make it as a writer) and she'll come after me again or something. I'm so terrified of this woman.
txsilkysmoothe Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 These feeling are just what you haveto live with, really what is the alternative? I do think you should seek counseling. It seems as a writer you can use a "pen" name so I'm really not accepting your explanation for fearing her after 5 years. I wonder if you are considering or hoping someone on LS may suggest that you look "him" up just to see if they are still together. That is a very bad idea. Could it be that "he" ended it and maybe you weren't ready to accept it was over? Be honest with yourself - are you still interested in this man?
whichwayisup Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I hadn't really thought aobut it in a while and something recently reminded me and it sent me into this tailspin of anxiety. Can I ask what it was that has reminded you of it? So, this all happened 5 years ago or so? I doubt she is going to come after you (again) after so much time has gone by. Also, if they are together or not should NOT be your concern. Who cares? This MM is OUT of your life, so don't go looking for him, online/googling.. He is your past, so close the door on that, even if you are curious to know if they are still married.
Simon Attwood Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I wonder if you are considering or hoping someone on LS may suggest that you look "him" up just to see if they are still together. That is a very bad idea. Could it be that "he" ended it and maybe you weren't ready to accept it was over? Be honest with yourself - are you still interested in this man? you know, Tex, that's exactly what I was thinking
Author katiedidnt Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 (edited) These feeling are just what you haveto live with, really what is the alternative? I do think you should seek counseling. It seems as a writer you can use a "pen" name so I'm really not accepting your explanation for fearing her after 5 years. I wonder if you are considering or hoping someone on LS may suggest that you look "him" up just to see if they are still together. That is a very bad idea. Could it be that "he" ended it and maybe you weren't ready to accept it was over? Be honest with yourself - are you still interested in this man? um, no. I don't want anything to do with him or her or them or any of it. I just want to forget the whole mess. I hope they were able to work things out, and I'd feel worse if they ended up divorced. I think he was a lying coward who lied to me and her and I hate him and I hate myself for believing any of his crap. And it was ME who ended it - I asked him if he was still committed to his marriage and he said yes and I said that we shouldn't be talking so much anymore and then we stopped. As for what reminded me - I was unpacking boxes and found a copy of some of the legal paperwork from when I had to involve the police. Anyway, if you guys really believe that she wouldn't do anything to me now that makes me feel a lot better. I really want to put this behind me, and I may seek counseling, but I just wanted to get the perspective of people who have been there. Edited January 16, 2010 by katiedidnt
White Flower Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Hi. I'm new here but I need to get this off my chest and maybe get a sense of perspective. About 5 years ago I got involved in an emotional affair with a married man. I was young and dumb and I didn't realize what it was until I was in it. I thought I was just lending a sympathetic ear to someone who was going through a really rough time, and we were both under a lot of stress (we were both in the navy and deployed at the time.) We got emotionally close over the course of several months and kissed once, and then decided it couldn't happen again. He wanted to give his marriage an honest try and I agreed to step out of the picture, and we didn't talk or see each other for months. We had to get in touch about something work related and I sent a slightly flirtatious/friendly email, and his wife found it and went totally crazy on me. Basically she stalked me, my family, contacted some of my friends - it was a horrible, horrible, horrible situation and I had to get the police involved to stop the harrassment. I explained that nothing had happened but it wasn't enough - she had set out to ruin me. I explained the entire thing to her - that we were close, and he wanted to work on his marriage, and we hadn't talked, but she was still insane with rage. OK fast forward to now. I still can't really move past this. I feel so incredibly bad about the whole thing, and I still honestly live in fear that this woman is going to come out of the woodwork and slander and destroy me. I haven't spoken to him at all - I don't even know if he's still married. I screwed up big time and I know and I'm sorry, but I'm still so scared that this will come back to haunt me. Please tell me if I'm crazy. When I say she went crazy, I mean, she went CRAZY ("I won't rest until I've ruined your life and career!"). Do I have reason to be afraid? Do you think she would still harbor this rage at me after all these years? Please help. -K I think if you didn't have this raging lunatic for a BW making threats to you you would be completely over this on-the-brink-of-an-A. You didn't even sleep with him. All she knew was that you flirted with him. If her eyes are big enough, she'd know that many, many women throughout the course of his life will also flirt with him. Is she going to police all of them? I think not. You were the lucky one who's email she found. Her fault is in focusing on you when the focus should be on her M. You learned from this experience and have moved beyond ever doing anything like it again. Don't let HER harrassment keep you in guilt because that is exactly where she wants you. Just because she can't get over it doesn't mean you have to stay in that place. Get over it for you and let her baske in her own fears. ps I'm not saying all BWs are lunatics in any way whatsoever. Just this one.
Author katiedidnt Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 I think if you didn't have this raging lunatic for a BW making threats to you you would be completely over this on-the-brink-of-an-A. You didn't even sleep with him. All she knew was that you flirted with him. If her eyes are big enough, she'd know that many, many women throughout the course of his life will also flirt with him. Is she going to police all of them? I think not. You were the lucky one who's email she found. Her fault is in focusing on you when the focus should be on her M. You learned from this experience and have moved beyond ever doing anything like it again. Don't let HER harrassment keep you in guilt because that is exactly where she wants you. Just because she can't get over it doesn't mean you have to stay in that place. Get over it for you and let her baske in her own fears. ps I'm not saying all BWs are lunatics in any way whatsoever. Just this one. she might be over it. I don't really know - the threat of a restraining order stopped the stalking years ago. I just don't know if she'll ever resurface. I haven't had any communication with these people in nearly 5 years. I just get scared she'll stalk me again
White Flower Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 It sounds like she really got to you. I suggest you do for YOU what you need to do to let go of this. If you haven't heard from them in years, it is time to let go. Best, WF.
Simon Attwood Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 she might be over it. I don't really know - the threat of a restraining order stopped the stalking years ago. I just don't know if she'll ever resurface. I haven't had any communication with these people in nearly 5 years. I just get scared she'll stalk me again If this is the case, then I would suggest that you have developed symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the ordeal and I would recommend Cognitive Therapy.
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