Guys, why do girls need to cruelly tell you to go away before you'll back off?

[confusedmuch]

Lately it seems like I've been running into some reverse troubles with guys. They won't leave me alone! And some that left me alone a while ago are now suddenly contacting me again wanting to pick up where they left off...

 

I've tried doing what it seems a lot of guys like to do (or should I say boys?) which is ignore calls, IMs and emails and hope that they get the hint and move on to someone else. That only spurred their interest when I did it.

 

I've tried nicely telling some that it just couldn't be. To which they would try and convince me that it somehow CAN be.

 

Finally, today I tried another method and told this guy (who I've used both of the above methods with already over the last month) to LEAVE ME ALONE! And finally he got the point.

 

Is it really that necessary to be such a bitch though?

[MyNameIsJonas]

Is it really that necessary to be such a bitch though?

 

Some guys are idiots and don't get subtle hints. They equate "I'm not interested" into "playing hard to get" and for lack of other dating options, keep at it in hopes that you really are "playing hard to get." I have some friends like this and no matter what I tell them, they still keep calling the woman in question and claim that "I don't know her," and so forth.

 

For guys who are this dense, yes, you have to VERY direct.

[threebyfate]

The phrase "cruel to be kind" was created for a reason, although, admittedly, the kind portion has a double-edge to it, in that it's not solely altruistic "for their own good". It's partially for them, to get them to move on and partially for yourself, to get them off your back.

 

You read so much on LS about women being nasty and how, there's no need. Ummm...sometimes there's great need!

[temple]

^ I totally agree with the above. I've also had to be brutally honest with a number of men even though I try to let them down gently. It's been a last resort as I don't want to be 'mean', but like threebyfate said, you have to be cruel to be kind.

[CaliGuy]

Some guys just don't get it. They just think you're playing hard to get. Unless you communicate clearly that there is no interest, then they're just gonna push harder.

 

Relationships (whether in one or out) love balance in the fact that if one person pulls away the other will PULL harder to bring things back in balance. The problem is this never works. The way to deal with relationships is if someone pulls away, you do the same!

 

In your case, however, you are trying to pull away for good and the only way to make it happen is to be clear and direct. "I'm not interested, I won't be interested but thanks anyway" and go back to NC.

 

Letting them down gently, I can understand why people try to be kind but in these cases, sometimes you just have to show them tough love.

 

(Note: This is predominately related to men. When I have ignored a woman's repeated attempts to reconcile or contact me, they usually get the hint and go away).

[disgracian]

Well, some women do play hard to get. And if you ask any of them, they'll probably say that persistance has paid off in the past. Implying that they're idiots or dense is an oversimplification.

 

How do women expect anyone to tell the difference between playing hard to get and politely declining, especially since the former usually involves some of the latter.

 

Cheers,

D.

[boogieboy]

Some guys have been conditioned to keep trying when they dont specifically hear "Im not interested in you".

 

Guys dont speak hint, girls do. Thats why guys ignore you when theyre not interested because they know women invented and understand the "ignore tactic" -

 

Girls like you are too chicken to tell guys that youre not interested, for your own guilt, trying to let guys down gently, and you make your words sound like youre leaving the door open. Its your own fault.

 

You cant worry about seeming like a bitch to a guy that you will never see again.

 

So since guys have to do the pursuing most of the time, and some guys are too dense, you cant let them down gently. The second youre not interested in them, you have to be direct say "Im not interested in you, and I will never be." Dense people need to hear the words so theres no guessing. The only real way to get rid of dense guys is to tell them WHY youre not interested in them. That way they know they dont have a chance.

 

Dont worry, once you do it a few times, you'll get used to it, and you wont feel bad about it anymore.

Edited January 16, 2010 by boogieboy

[bayouboi]

Agree with boogieboy and would like to add that we're also conditioned to learn not to believe anything that comes from women's mouths but to go by their actions instead. So perhaps a swift kick to the nards is in order.

[sagetalk]

Leave me alone is a bit harsh. Just say, "I have no desire to pursue a romantic relationship with you and I don't want to lead you on". If they don't understand, then they are beyond anything you could say to them.

[confusedmuch]

Leave me alone is a bit harsh. Just say, "I have no desire to pursue a romantic relationship with you and I don't want to lead you on". If they don't understand, then they are beyond anything you could say to them.

Yeah, I was actually pretty frustrated when I started this thread. What I actually said was "I told you I wasn't interested in dating you, why do you keep trying to contact me?"

[BobSacamento]

What do they have to lose? Their dignity?

 

Most guys don't value that highly when it comes to women, especially certain women.

[confusedmuch]

What do they have to lose? Their dignity?

 

Most guys don't value that highly when it comes to women, especially certain women.

What do you mean?

[Ruby Slippers]

The one I tried recently, after many gentle attempts, was: "I don't want to be with you. Ever."

 

He answered, "NEVER???", and looked like he wanted to cry.

 

Sucks when you have to do this, but you've got to make it clear.

[OnlyJake]

I often wonder this myself.

 

I recently read that 6 is the magic number when asking someone for something, or to do something for you. Maybe that's where the "persistance" thing comes in.

[Quickill]

Don't feel bad for being direct, it saves a lot of headaches.

 

I'll admit that I have been that guy before. I asked a girl out, she said yes. Then when I tried to contact her again she would blow me off, be unavailable, etc. Finally after about a month of me trying to get a hold of her she finally just blew up at me saying something along the lines of, "Can't you take a hint? I haven't been available because I change my mind and don't want to go out with you!" To which I replied "If you had simply said that a month ago none of this would have happened, I would have dropped it and moved on. The way you phrased your responses just made it seem as if you were busy." It would have saved me time and energy and her some stress if she had been direct.

 

So again don't feel bad, just be simple and direct. Like a poster said above, "Men don't speak hint."

[xpaperxcutx]

Guys can't read between the lines. They're practical while us girls like being vague. Be straight, be blunt.

 

" I DON'T want a relationship with YOU."

 

Emphasis.

[threebyfate]

So again don't feel bad, just be simple and direct. Like a poster said above, "Men don't speak hint."

I cannot resist:

 

Men don't speak hint and also, don't hear too well!

[MissJoness]

I would just not answer the phone or avoid the guy all together. A long time ago I had told a guy I was not interested in him in a sexual way and he called me a "b1tch" and hung up the phone in my face. Some men get very disrespectful when you are direct because it hurts their ego

[xpaperxcutx]

I would just not answer the phone or avoid the guy all together. A long time ago I had told a guy I was not interested in him in a sexual way and he called me a "b1tch" and hung up the phone in my face. Some men get very disrespectful when you are direct because it hurts their ego

 

So do you do this before you tell him you're not interested in him? If you don't up straight up how you feel and play the disappearing game, they're will call you a b1tch.

[Ruby Slippers]

Some men get very disrespectful when you are direct because it hurts their ego

It's true. But that's on them.

 

A male friend of mine had a crush on a female friend of mine a while back, and he would not shut up about it. She had made very clear she was not interested in him, but he continued mooning about her for months, telling me all the time, "She's soooo awesome." I'm like, "Yeah, dude, I know. She's one of my best friends."

 

Eventually, though, he started saying, "She's not that great, anyway. She's not as smart as us, and she's a flake." I flat-out told him: "Don't start running her down because she didn't like you back." That shut him up quick.

[yeex]

it is because they have not learned that a lot of women in the dating game are rarely direct. Or these guys do not have other options and are really desperate.

I learned a few years a go to go by a woman's actions. She does not have to be that direct with me verbally. Even if she told me that she really really likes me, if she starts to ignore me or whatever, I'm going to back off. I'd rather go for the next one that wants to be with me and that will not ignore me. Why waste time trying to convince a girl to like you? That never works. All it does is make the guy look more and more pathetic.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I've tried doing what it seems a lot of guys like to do (or should I say boys?) which is ignore calls, IMs and emails and hope that they get the hint and move on to someone else. That only spurred their interest when I did it.

 

 

 

How on earth do you figure that these actions are appropriate?

 

And what makes you any better than those you are trying to evade?

[boogieboy]

I would just not answer the phone or avoid the guy all together. A long time ago I had told a guy I was not interested in him in a sexual way and he called me a "b1tch" and hung up the phone in my face. Some men get very disrespectful when you are direct because it hurts their ego

 

So youre too scared to be direct and hurt a guys ego because of how it hurts YOUR ego? You cant take a hangup once in a while? Way to be the bigger person.

[runner]

The one I tried recently, after many gentle attempts, was: "I don't want to be with you. Ever."

 

He answered, "NEVER???", and looked like he wanted to cry.

 

Sucks when you have to do this, but you've got to make it clear.

 

too bad he didn't cry like i am.

[counterman]

I got a girl's number after talking to her twice and texted her a few times afterwards, and she never returned any of them.

 

I bumped into her again one day and we spoke for a big and I texted her again to meet up and then she replied. I gave her my email and she never added me.

 

I think everytime we spoke I made it clear that I am only going to be her friend, but I think she thought that I was still trying to pick her up. Anyways, she wasn't interested but I wish she would have told me so we can get the misunderstandings out of the way instead of, what seems to be, very rude non-reply.