Clueless on how to make this marriage work

[SarahRose]

It is embarrassing for me to have to write these things and ask people about it since my husband and I have only been married 6 months.

 

How can things be so bad so soon after marriage?

 

Ok I am not saying things are terrible as we get along well and have a good time together.

 

The problem is our sex life has dwindled away to almost nothing. I consider 3 times a month almost nothing.

 

Out of those 3 times it is hit and miss on if I get satisfied.

 

When we used to do it more, I was able to really relax and getting there was pretty easy but without that continuity, I feel empty and tense.

 

I have tried everything I can think of to get him to have more sex with me but I am tired of being turned down.

 

He always says he doesnt' think about sex that much and I thought well maybe he has a low sex drive.

 

I found out that not to be the case since he can be online looking at porn many times a week.

 

I had no clue and I mean none he looked at porn so much before we got married. We even talked about porn before and he told me he really wasn't into it and I told him it didn't bother me. It just seemed like a non issue.

 

A few weeks after we got married I found out he was wanking to porn a lot each week. I found out he would wait until I left the house to do it when I had offered sex earlier and got turned down because he had a headache or some nonsense.

 

Could the porn use be causing him not to want to have real sex?

 

I confronted him about the porn and he said he didn't understand what the big deal was as I looked at it too. I said the big deal is that you are sneaking around looking at it and waiting until I leave to wank to it and our sex life is almost non existant. He promised he would stop looking at it. He didnt' keep the promise.

 

Anyway the last time we had sex which was maybe 2 weeks ago, I thought we were really going to have some fun as I just got some new lingere in the mail and was modeling it and he was hot for it and we get tot he bedroom and get going and I was really starting to get into it. I wanted to change positions and he tells me he is finished! I am like wtf. It was only maybe 5 minutes! He said you probably didn't cum yet and I said no and he said sorry that he was done. I was just so hurt and furious I jumped out of bed and tore the outfit off and threw it on the floor.

 

So it has been another 2 weeks and no sex and I have not asked him for it or bugged him about it. Last night I very nicely and kindly asked and told him I would really like to have sex 2-3 times a week. His response was, "That is A LOT!" He didn't say ok or that would be great but just kept saying that 2-3 times a week was a lot and he just didn't think about sex that much.

 

Then he mentioned me telling him off the last time we had sex. I didn't know what to say to that as he would have been ticked too if I had left him high and dry.

 

So I just said I asked kindly and nicely for what I would like and left it at that.

 

So what are my options here? I have tried talking to him about it but he doesn't seem to care?

[mem11363]

Porn is ok as an overflow valve if your partner does not want sex as much as you. However to use porn at the expense of your partners desires and needs is totally wrong and in fact it is a type of cheating. And I say this as the husband in a long term marriage.

 

He needs to crank down the porn to zero OR watch it to get revved and then come to you. He also needs to make sure you get to the finish line before he finishes. This is just basic marital decency. This is not MY rules for marriage these are basic rules of engagement if you want a long happy marriage.

 

I would tell my daughter to have a blunt no holds barred conversation if her man was doing this. And to dump him if he did not change ASAP.

 

 

It is embarrassing for me to have to write these things and ask people about it since my husband and I have only been married 6 months.

 

How can things be so bad so soon after marriage?

 

Ok I am not saying things are terrible as we get along well and have a good time together.

 

The problem is our sex life has dwindled away to almost nothing. I consider 3 times a month almost nothing.

 

Out of those 3 times it is hit and miss on if I get satisfied.

 

When we used to do it more, I was able to really relax and getting there was pretty easy but without that continuity, I feel empty and tense.

 

I have tried everything I can think of to get him to have more sex with me but I am tired of being turned down.

 

He always says he doesnt' think about sex that much and I thought well maybe he has a low sex drive.

 

I found out that not to be the case since he can be online looking at porn many times a week.

 

I had no clue and I mean none he looked at porn so much before we got married. We even talked about porn before and he told me he really wasn't into it and I told him it didn't bother me. It just seemed like a non issue.

 

A few weeks after we got married I found out he was wanking to porn a lot each week. I found out he would wait until I left the house to do it when I had offered sex earlier and got turned down because he had a headache or some nonsense.

 

Could the porn use be causing him not to want to have real sex?

 

I confronted him about the porn and he said he didn't understand what the big deal was as I looked at it too. I said the big deal is that you are sneaking around looking at it and waiting until I leave to wank to it and our sex life is almost non existant. He promised he would stop looking at it. He didnt' keep the promise.

 

Anyway the last time we had sex which was maybe 2 weeks ago, I thought we were really going to have some fun as I just got some new lingere in the mail and was modeling it and he was hot for it and we get tot he bedroom and get going and I was really starting to get into it. I wanted to change positions and he tells me he is finished! I am like wtf. It was only maybe 5 minutes! He said you probably didn't cum yet and I said no and he said sorry that he was done. I was just so hurt and furious I jumped out of bed and tore the outfit off and threw it on the floor.

 

So it has been another 2 weeks and no sex and I have not asked him for it or bugged him about it. Last night I very nicely and kindly asked and told him I would really like to have sex 2-3 times a week. His response was, "That is A LOT!" He didn't say ok or that would be great but just kept saying that 2-3 times a week was a lot and he just didn't think about sex that much.

 

Then he mentioned me telling him off the last time we had sex. I didn't know what to say to that as he would have been ticked too if I had left him high and dry.

 

So I just said I asked kindly and nicely for what I would like and left it at that.

 

So what are my options here? I have tried talking to him about it but he doesn't seem to care?

[rina_r]

Porn is ok as an overflow valve if your partner does not want sex as much as you.

 

The question is why is he turning to porn instead of turning to his wife? Is there anything bothering him? Are there any probs between you too?

I had an ex-b/f like that...i went to bed alone and he was jerking off to porn..and i was unsatisfied. I left the bastard..for many other nasty reasons I discovered.

[SarahRose]

I think we get along well. If there is something bothering him about our marriage I have no idea what it could be. I try really hard to make him happy.

 

rina,

I asked him why he was looking at the porn instead of being with me and he had no answer so I have asked him and if there is a reason, he certainly isn't telling me what that is.

 

To mem, your view about porn is how I see it too. I never really had an issue with it or cared about it. For an example. One month we had sex 5 times and he wanked to porn 14 times. If that was reversed and he was wanking 5 times and with me 14 times in a month, I'd be thrilled!

 

He definitely is not using it to get revved up for me. I am just left out in the cold. He sometimes will wank to porn that night or the next day after we have sex.

 

I did say to him about leaving me high and dry that he certainly would like it if I did that to him; told him sorry I'm finished and roll over and go to sleep.

 

It absolutely does feel like cheating!

 

I have tired talking to him but apparently I am not getting through.

[mem11363]

SR,

I have a strong view of this which is:

 

A man's wife is by far and away the most important person in the world to him. Sex is the one unique aspect of marriage and when performed in a mutually loving way it is an activity which produces a powerful emotional bond that strengthens the marriage. A man therefore MUST ALWAYS give his wife right of first refusal if he wishes to engage in sexual activity. If she declines - which she should make the effort to do in a nice manner to avoid him feeling rejected - then he may find release via his hand/laptop etc.

 

A man who does not understand this - and live this - is a male - but he is not yet a man and as such is not yet suited to be a husband.

 

I think we get along well. If there is something bothering him about our marriage I have no idea what it could be. I try really hard to make him happy.

 

rina,

I asked him why he was looking at the porn instead of being with me and he had no answer so I have asked him and if there is a reason, he certainly isn't telling me what that is.

 

To mem, your view about porn is how I see it too. I never really had an issue with it or cared about it. For an example. One month we had sex 5 times and he wanked to porn 14 times. If that was reversed and he was wanking 5 times and with me 14 times in a month, I'd be thrilled!

 

He definitely is not using it to get revved up for me. I am just left out in the cold. He sometimes will wank to porn that night or the next day after we have sex.

 

I did say to him about leaving me high and dry that he certainly would like it if I did that to him; told him sorry I'm finished and roll over and go to sleep.

 

It absolutely does feel like cheating!

 

I have tired talking to him but apparently I am not getting through.

[SarahRose]

mem, do you think I should talk to him one more time?

 

What should I say?

 

I hate to use the divorce word so early in our marriage but I really am not going to put up with a sexless marriage.

 

It just makes me feel like he is still acting like a single man and not really invested in our marriage.

[mem11363]

SR,

I truly deeply believe in marriage. I also believe that a good marriage means that both partners put each other first. There is a short list of core values in a marriage - one of them is that you don't do things that cause your partner to feel unloved unless you absolutely cannot help yourself.

 

So he has a choice - admit he has a porn addiction and go for treatment and give up the porn. OR if he is not addicted - he just stops on his own immediately - no treatment needed.

 

With ONE exception, everyone I know in a sexless marriage finds the experience to be a long slow destruction of their soul. You didn't sign up for that - and you should not tolerate it. I would write him a short letter explaining how bad this makes you feel - how unloved and rejected. And see what he does.

 

The sad thing is that sometimes people don't find out something awful like this until AFTER they have a couple children. And then they feel kind of stuck - there are people who are in year 30 of this type thing. And they are almost always seriously damaged people.

 

This is very sad. Sorry this is happening to you.

 

mem, do you think I should talk to him one more time?

 

What should I say?

 

I hate to use the divorce word so early in our marriage but I really am not going to put up with a sexless marriage.

 

It just makes me feel like he is still acting like a single man and not really invested in our marriage.

[HokeyReligions]

Constantly talking to him (at him perhaps?) can be perceived as nagging and put a lot of pressure and stress on him emotionally (even if he doesn't show it) and is pushing the desired outcome further away. Stop talking to him.

 

Find a counselor / therapist who has experience dealing with this very common (yes it is) issue. Don't drag him - go yourself. Don't be afraid to open up once you get to know the counselor. Get some tools designed for you to help you cope with this and to work toward solving it. You'll have to be brutally honest with yourself. You dont' have to answer here but ask yourself .... Have you gained weight? Lost weight? Developed bad breath? Have you become too relaxed in your appearance so that your husband's reaction is pulling away (he might not even know why he's pulling away from you and that not knowing makes it worse for him too). Do you try to hard (the pressure to perform can be pretty bad on a guy)?

 

Many couples overcome this with some work (and some tears). Others do not. I don't know how long its been, but I think it's closer to 16 - 17 years since my husband and I have been intimate. Maybe longer. We found a way to make the marriage work within the framework of celibacy.

[mem11363]

SR,

If you are not taking your appearance seriously - then you need to address that BUT - his porn use is a type of infidelity - AND - while hokey religions might be ok with celibacy - MOST people who have it forced on them by a screwed up spouse HATE IT.

 

 

Constantly talking to him (at him perhaps?) can be perceived as nagging and put a lot of pressure and stress on him emotionally (even if he doesn't show it) and is pushing the desired outcome further away. Stop talking to him.

 

Find a counselor / therapist who has experience dealing with this very common (yes it is) issue. Don't drag him - go yourself. Don't be afraid to open up once you get to know the counselor. Get some tools designed for you to help you cope with this and to work toward solving it. You'll have to be brutally honest with yourself. You dont' have to answer here but ask yourself .... Have you gained weight? Lost weight? Developed bad breath? Have you become too relaxed in your appearance so that your husband's reaction is pulling away (he might not even know why he's pulling away from you and that not knowing makes it worse for him too). Do you try to hard (the pressure to perform can be pretty bad on a guy)?

 

Many couples overcome this with some work (and some tears). Others do not. I don't know how long its been, but I think it's closer to 16 - 17 years since my husband and I have been intimate. Maybe longer. We found a way to make the marriage work within the framework of celibacy.

[SarahRose]

No, there is nothing wrong with my appearance at all. No, I'm not nagging him about it either.

 

No, there is no compromise like celibacy. I put up with a sexless marriage the last time. I won't do it again.

 

I thought I was presenting a very reasonable compromise to have sex 2-3 times a week.

 

I have to ask. Do any of you think that this is a control issue? That he knows I want and like sex and therefore feels in control to ration it out to me when he feels like it?

 

Or do you think this is a porn addiction?

[mem11363]

If there was a control issue he would tell you.

 

Besides the burden is NOT on you to figure this out it is on him to solve it,

 

No, there is nothing wrong with my appearance at all. No, I'm not nagging him about it either.

 

No, there is no compromise like celibacy. I put up with a sexless marriage the last time. I won't do it again.

 

I thought I was presenting a very reasonable compromise to have sex 2-3 times a week.

 

I have to ask. Do any of you think that this is a control issue? That he knows I want and like sex and therefore feels in control to ration it out to me when he feels like it?

 

Or do you think this is a porn addiction?

[SarahRose]

mem, you are right. It does seem like I am trying to fix this. I can't.

[HeyThere]

I put up with a sexless marriage the last time. I won't do it again.

 

That is the first time you mentioned there is a repeating theme in the men you’re picking. Why do you think this is the case?

 

Your husband has intimacy issues he is not yet (ever?) willing to face. Your husband doesn’t have a low libido – taking advantage of himself so frequently and ignoring the real thing (so frequently) is a puzzle. Being interested in his sexual satisfaction only, doesn’t work for you. Either he becomes aware of his thinking and adjusts his behavior or you will make a change. You must express these feelings to your husband, calmly and repeatedly (not in the bedroom), so if you do make a change he is not blindsided. Also, you’re telling him you’ll not tolerate this indefinitely, giving him sometime to get his act together.

[whichwayisup]

He was looking at porn before you two got married and it's continued..

 

Just know he DOES love you, his porn habit/addiction isn't about you. At all, so try not to make it about you. HE has some issues that need to be fixed, all you can do for now is focus on understanding porn addictions. Read up on it, get help, learn about it.. Then, when you're stronger, sit down with your H, in a non offensive way and tell him how much you love, adore, care for him, but he needs to stop the porn. It's one thing to whack off to it once in a while, and have a healthy sex life, but it's another when he is preffering porn to you. Again, as hard as this is, remember it is not about you! I'm sure he loves you and is attracted to you but his body has gotten TOO used to porn. Whatever fun habit he had has gotten in the way and out of control.

 

Give him some space, don't bring it up. Focus on other things, go out more, bond on an emotional level outside of the bedroom.. Have fun with one another without it involving sex... Until you are ready to have that 'talk' with him.

[SarahRose]

He is bugging me to pay my half of the internet bill. I just don't want to pay for internet anymore knowing he is using it for infidelity towards me with his constant porn.

 

Should I tell him that? I will pay 100% of another bill instead.

 

He is also nagging me about buying a house and starting a business. I can't bring myself to do either of those until our marriage issues are sorted out.

 

He nags me about it every other day and I am tired of listening to it.

 

I really feel the resentment towards him creeping in.

[cody5]

Have you looked at his history on his browser? If he clears it, then come in some time and sexually say you'd like to join the fun. See what he's looking at. Is there is an inordinate amount of naked men in his porn? I'm giving good odds he's gay.

 

I love porn as much as the next guy, but I'll take live pussy ANY DAY. And 6 months is WAY too soon to get bored. He roped in his "cover" (that would be you) now he can get back to nature.

Edited January 17, 2010 by cody5
spelling

[Enema]

Wanking is a lot easier than sex. He's probably just lazy, used to spanking it for a couple of minutes for a hassle free release.

 

I think you should give it one more shot. Sit him down for a serious discussion and mention that you are not prepared to stay in a marriage with this level of sex.

 

What happens next is up to him. Give him time to think about it and choose to either work on the issue together, or split up.

[dazzle22]

I don't think you will be able to get a satisfactory conclusion here without a professional counselor. His addiction is as much to masturbation as it is to porn. He likes individual sex because it gives an easy quick high without having to consider the needs of a partner.

 

This is almost "hardwired" in him at this point. He was doing this long before he met you, he just hid it. He is showing no remorse or understanding of how left out you are here. He is choosing his addiction over you.

 

How do we know it is an addiction at this point? Ask yourself, what if what he was doing was drinking... Would it be ok to drink this much, and ALONE, and if your spouse was confronting you that the drinking was interfering with the marriage...?

[HeyThere]

He is bugging me to pay my half of the internet bill. I just don't want to pay for internet anymore knowing he is using it for infidelity towards me with his constant porn.

 

I thought it was interesting that you choose to use the word infidelity, which typically means to be unfaithful with another. In this case another is the porn.

 

I like cody5, wonder if your husband is gay?

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infidelity

 

Wikipedia, definition first paragraph below:

 

“Infidelity is a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, which constitutes a significant breach of faith or a betrayal of core shared values with which the integrity of the relationship is defined. In common use, it describes an act of unfaithfulness to one’s husband, wife, or lover, whether sexual or non-sexual in nature.”

[whichwayisup]

No, he can pay the internet bill on all his own. Don't give in..

 

And definately sort this out before buying a new house. If he wants to start his own business, that's one thing, but to move? No way! You are right, not until the marriage is better.

[Lovelybird]

He is bugging me to pay my half of the internet bill. I just don't want to pay for internet anymore knowing he is using it for infidelity towards me with his constant porn.

 

Should I tell him that? I will pay 100% of another bill instead.

 

He is also nagging me about buying a house and starting a business. I can't bring myself to do either of those until our marriage issues are sorted out.

 

He nags me about it every other day and I am tired of listening to it.

 

I really feel the resentment towards him creeping in.

You mean he wants YOU to buy a house and start a business? what is he doing then? Does he rely on you in the financial area and other areas? Does he expect you to be a man?

[SarahRose]

Have you looked at his history on his browser? If he clears it, then come in some time and sexually say you'd like to join the fun. See what he's looking at. Is there is an inordinate amount of naked men in his porn? I'm giving good odds he's gay.

 

I love porn as much as the next guy, but I'll take live pussy ANY DAY. And 6 months is WAY too soon to get bored. He roped in his "cover" (that would be you) now he can get back to nature.

 

He is very very good at deleting the history but I have monitoring software on there so I know what websites he went to and it will say what the name of the vid he looked at. He doesn't look at men. He's not gay. He looks mostly at MILF and creampie

[SarahRose]

Wanking is a lot easier than sex. He's probably just lazy, used to spanking it for a couple of minutes for a hassle free release.

 

I think you should give it one more shot. Sit him down for a serious discussion and mention that you are not prepared to stay in a marriage with this level of sex.

 

What happens next is up to him. Give him time to think about it and choose to either work on the issue together, or split up.

 

First off I really like you name lol.

 

I do think laziness has something to do with it but leaving me out like that is extremely selfish.

 

I think I might ask him what I am supposed to do for sex.

[SarahRose]

I don't think you will be able to get a satisfactory conclusion here without a professional counselor. His addiction is as much to masturbation as it is to porn. He likes individual sex because it gives an easy quick high without having to consider the needs of a partner.

 

This is almost "hardwired" in him at this point. He was doing this long before he met you, he just hid it. He is showing no remorse or understanding of how left out you are here. He is choosing his addiction over you.

 

How do we know it is an addiction at this point? Ask yourself, what if what he was doing was drinking... Would it be ok to drink this much, and ALONE, and if your spouse was confronting you that the drinking was interfering with the marriage...?

 

I made an appointment to see a marriage counselor.

 

I see it as if I was doing something he hated and I promised to stop but didn't that would be towards an addiction.

 

He doesn't seem to show any caring at all about how much this hurts me.

[SarahRose]

Yes he is pushing for us to buy a house together. I don't want to until these things are sorted out.

 

I wish there was some equivalent thing I could do to him so he can see what it feels like!