thepulse27 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Hi, I haven't been part of this community long, and I love it. But I do have 1 question that I'm not sure any of us are going to want to hear the answer to. There are so many of you on here who are truly amazing people, so caring, insightful and patient. And just reading what you have written to each other has helped me a great deal. I know all of you have been through exactly what I'm doing now - trying to put your life back together after losing the part you treasure most. But have any of us, after doing the coping; the falling apart, the NC, the falling apart again, and finally the growing and moving on, have any of us found what we're all talking about? I'm talking about someone you love as deeply as you did that one (or those ones for the members older than myself), that treats you the way you deserve. A relationship where you do all the things you realized you didnt last time (like demand more). Someone who, through the good and bad times, loves you as crazily and unconditionally as you do them? Someone who you finally can spend the rest of your life with, rather than someone you thought you could until they tore you apart? I realise that this is kinda morbid. And it in no way takes away from how important what we all do on here is. Or that you are right, we do need to love ourselves first, and let ourselves heal so we can love another again. And no matter what the answer is I'm not giving up, I've got a great life coming to me. I'm just interested.
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Not yet, but it's only a matter of time. I think the less you focus on finding one the sooner they will find you. I don't mean that you should not pay attention or make a move when the time is right, I am simply saying "Don't make finding someone the priority of your life." I think learning to make yourself completely happy alone should be everyone's priority. Once you can do that the rest of life is fairly easy
gaudi Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Well with this section being mainly filled with the broken hearted, I doubt it. There might be a website somewhere called "Happily Ever After.Org" or "Together At Last.Com" You will probably find some on there.
HLP234 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 (edited) What Caliguy said is exactly right. You don't know when it will happen. My ex and I just randomly happened without me even trying. I was just going about my life/day as normal and it happened with time. So the answer you are looking for is don't try to find someone. When it happens it happens and then you can use what you learned. You can ask a girl out whenever you feel like it and see where it goes. You never know what could happen..bad or good. I have noticed that when you don't try or don't focus on trying so hard to find someone that wants you, stuff randomly happens. You may meet someone and think nothing of it..if they are always starting conversation with you, that means they may like you. You go on from there. But don't go looking for a girlfriend, go out, have fun, be around as many people as you can. It will happen all on its own. It works out just as life does. Nothing is planned or written in stone..except that everything which begins must end; excluding all other physics and universal quirks. Edited January 15, 2010 by HLP234 Spacing and grammar
Author thepulse27 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I'm not suggesting for a second that we go out and seek them. Looking for love is the only guaranteed way not to find it. I just noticed a distinct lack of 'It was so hard, it happens and it doesnt get easier...but then one day it finally all worked out!' type replies, even from the more established members. I'm 25 now, and if I'm 40 and have gone through this a few times with no regrets but still haven't found a life partner, I'm not gonna think it was a failure. I just find it strange that it hasn't happened more. The other theory is that once someone finds it theyre gonna be gone from LS before you can say 5-hour-bedroom-session so thats why we dont hear the happy endings, but bearing in mind how much everyone here seems genuinely involved in helping each other out, that might not happen.
HLP234 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Well even if I find someone and we start dating...which I can't even think about that now, I will be back here to post my story for sure. I believe I owe a lot to this place for helping me get through. And 25, you are young..I'll be 23 soon and I'm not even thinking about the upcoming years and who I will meet. You can't be mad at yourself if you don't find someone, most of the times if you continue doing what you do and just enjoy yourself, you will run into someone. This is of course considering you go out and try to meet people, not sit inside like some people I have seen and then complain that they don't get anywhere.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Love doesn't only happen when you're not looking for it, plenty of people meet on dating sites for example! I have gone to places where I think there will be like minded people in the hope I might meet someone, not recently but years ago. No idea if I will ever find someone I love as much as my ex, thought we were going to grow old together, 18 years of a beautiful relationship all gone.
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I heard about the dating sites..but I'm not that type of person to sit behind a computer and just try to woo someone lol. I like to do all my talking in person preferably and then hang out with someone to see if we get a long. I wish I knew anyone who used those sites, my friends would laugh if they ever knew I thought about that. And I agree, some people they have met online and have gotten along excellently.
LovelyDaze Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Actually I did. I was with an ex for a few years(many years ago) and when we broke up, I SWORE I would never find love again. I dated a lot, some nice and some not so nice but I did fall deep in love with THREE other guys including my recent ex. Those three were lengthy and powerful relationships. So, I logistically can't say that I will never fall in love again because I have been proven that I will. You will too. Don't look for it, just live your life as happy as you can be. And people are right, when you are just going about your own life, love pops up out of nowhere and embraces you. All three were guys I didn't see coming because I wasn't looking. But take note: Just because you find someone else someday, it doesn't mean that relationship will last either. You might go through a few more breakups or maybe that person will be the one...you never know. Your part is to make sure that YOU are the best you can be regardless.
Author thepulse27 Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 1. You will too. 2. But take note: Just because you find someone else someday, it doesn't mean that relationship will last either. You might go through a few more breakups or maybe that person will be the one...you never know. Your part is to make sure that YOU are the best you can be regardless. 1. I believe you. And I'm looking forward to it. 2. I know. And I'd like to thank you for finally making me see that. Thanks to you, CG, DB and many others like you I am infinitely better equipped to deal with what is the hardest period I have ever faced. There are so many of us on here who can love with everything they've got AND know not to accept substandard treatment in the name of love anymore. It would be nice to see one of them find 'the one' As a sidenote, 'the one' isn't something I really subscribe to. I don't think things are 'meant to be', they just are. If two compatible people meet during the right situations in their lives, then incredible things can happen. I don't think this lessens how incredible love is in any way.
dazzle22 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I have a second marriage that is very different from my first, and I adore my husband. Found him at age 50. I thought I was not dateable, and done for at that age. I wrote my story to encourage some people on this board, and got totally flamed out by some real jerk who picked my story apart paragraph by paragraph and made snide remarks. So it wouldn't surprise me if people became afraid to share. I have shared some of the problems I have had in my second marriage, but they are minor compared to my prior marriage. So I think it can happen. I totally was not looking because I didn't think I would find....(but people are constantly being 'recycled' with new ones becoming available every day. I know, cynical...)
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I agree that it really is a cycle. You live, you do things and you learn even from the mistakes of others. The first step is to get back to normal like we were before the relationship..then time can take its course and the unexpected can happen. I waited around five years before getting into the relationship I was with in with my ex, and all that time I was never even thinking of us even getting to date. It was weird how it happened, and how long it took before the relationship, but that just shows how weird things can happen. For some reason I feel like I am getting over it but there is still a lot lingering inside. I think the best way for everything to go away is to not look and see if you feel anything more day by day. In other words, don't think about how you feel, just go about the day without asking yourself if you feel better or happier.
Author thepulse27 Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 dazzle22 congratulations! that's more what I was talking about; not any idealistic puppy love scenario, but a real relationship with real problems, that works because both people love each other and are prepared to work. If you are completely in love, and feel like this relationship meets your needs, and there is not a hint of settling because we don't want to be alone, then ignore any of the more bitter people on here. I'm glad its working out for you.
HeavenOrHell Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I have heard about people who have met on dating sites (friends of friends) and I have friends who have met on general sites, it is good for people who are busy, or people like me who are shy, or not interested in cubs and pubs. I wouldn't be interested in pubby clubby types anyway. If you meet someone online, you don't just talk online forever You talk on the phone and then meet up. Your friends sound smug, maybe they're lucky enough to have confidence and a good social life, good for them. I heard about the dating sites..but I'm not that type of person to sit behind a computer and just try to woo someone lol. I like to do all my talking in person preferably and then hang out with someone to see if we get a long. I wish I knew anyone who used those sites, my friends would laugh if they ever knew I thought about that. And I agree, some people they have met online and have gotten along excellently.
sally4sara Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 The failure of my marriage was so over due that I was ready to be back out there by the time he walked out the door. Just in time to have someone new devote all their time and effort for 11 months into pretending to be my dream guy assuring me that love was real......only to walk away one week after I agreed to go house hunting. :mad: I had never felt such a blow. Seven years later, I marry a man so perfectly suited to me we could "wing it" on con job and have entire conversations comprised of grunts and facial expressions. It does, absolutely does get better if you let it.
Author thepulse27 Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 I couldn't possibly be happier for you! One of the last things I'm trying to come to terms with is that despite the fact that I gave so much more than I ever got in return, we were amazing together. We made each other laugh and smile, we talked about so much and we shared everything. It's really hard to believe that I can find that kind of bond with another person. It's nice to know that it's not just a belief - that I know now that it can happen. And that it will. Did you have any problems being this comfortable with your new man? Or was it just as natural as the first time you fell in love?
DenverBachelor Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I wouldn't be interested in pubby clubby types anyway. I try not to stereotype by locales. I've met beautiful women with Ph.D's and a great head on their shoulders in a bar and I've met amazingly slutty women in churches (long ago, when I used to crash Catholic communions -- hey, free wine). Anyhow, yeah. That's really all I have to add to all of this. Thanks for reading ... errr ... I need coffee.
Angel1111 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I haven't found anyone like you describe but I've learned to be happy by myself and enjoy my time alone. Now that I've adjusted to being single - and I'm not saying it's a picnic every day or that I wouldn't prefer to be with someone - but because I'm mostly content, I'm so cautious about screwing things up by getting involved with someone that I find myself not interested in dating right now. I know that I will someday, but I have been through so many bad relationships that I decided that it was time for me to take a break from it all, become more instrospective about the people I invite into my life, and get to know me, for a change. These days, I feel myself leaning more toward wanting to be with someone than being alone, I can visualize myself with someone - whereas before, I didn't see things that way. You just need to know that being with someone isn't the be all, end all. It's better to be connected with yourself, to love yourself, and have a good life before someone can come along and compliment what you already have. I realize now that I wasn't discriminating enough before about who I got into relationships with. Instead of diving back in, I decided that I needed to figure things out before going forward with another relationship.
bananaboat11 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I'm learning there is a calm after a storm... for those of you who know my last relationship. It took many nights of crying... insomnia... to begin to realize she wasn't show she said she was. ...at first it feels as if it's learning bad news through the grapevine. You feel bad... sorrowful even, but it doesn't truly effect you, so you can push it out easily... until it hits home. I have learned that now she's gone ... NC on both ends and I do not believe she's coming back... ever. The bottom line is, I do miss the thought... the thought of what I was led to believe... and I want that. I will never, ever... let her back in. No one deserves this emotional torment. I think I'm going to spend some time in this 'calm'... no relationships... no drama... no writhing agony... ...just working on me and my life. Good luck to you all, though. Only the best.
Beeotch Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I'll let you know when I get there... Ditto I haven't posted in a while as I have been all over the place, doing many wonderful things, got back from South Africa last week and making the best of the last lap of my senior year as an undergraduate. The place Im at now is very exciting and fulfilling....yes I still think of my ex but it is more residual, I think esp because I have not met that new wonderful person yet so ofcourse it is normal that when I think of romance I envision parts of the most recent person. But I am excited about my life and for future romance and am in no way obsessively worrying about if I will find love, I know I will. It has been 9 months post break up and I am waaaay out of the fog, delusions, emotional rollercoaster etc so I can see all my ex's faults and insufficiencies CLEAR as day and can see where I can find better. So my answer is: no I haven't found it yet but I have soooo many other things doing and accomplishing that I am not worried about it. Yes it gets lonely, yes I do sometimes envy happy couples--but it is momentary. I am focused on me, my spiritual, intellectual, personal journey for 2010 and beyond and I trust that when I least expect, when the time is RIGHT, I will find romance and a relationship again
Beeotch Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 i haven't found anyone like you describe but i've learned to be happy by myself and enjoy my time alone. Now that i've adjusted to being single - and i'm not saying it's a picnic every day or that i wouldn't prefer to be with someone - but because i'm mostly content, i'm so cautious about screwing things up by getting involved with someone that i find myself not interested in dating right now. I know that i will someday, but i have been through so many bad relationships that i decided that it was time for me to take a break from it all, become more instrospective about the people i invite into my life, and get to know me, for a change. These days, i feel myself leaning more toward wanting to be with someone than being alone, i can visualize myself with someone - whereas before, i didn't see things that way. you just need to know that being with someone isn't the be all, end all. It's better to be connected with yourself, to love yourself, and have a good life before someone can come along and compliment what you already have. I realize now that i wasn't discriminating enough before about who i got into relationships with. Instead of diving back in, i decided that i needed to figure things out before going forward with another relationship. So very true!
sally4sara Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Did you have any problems being this comfortable with your new man? Or was it just as natural as the first time you fell in love? It was easy at first because I didn't give a damn. Then it was scary because I started to give a damn and realized I could get hurt again. But I put on the brave face and had a chat about honor and integrity. Luckily he had enough of those two qualities to get us past that bit.
sunshinegirl Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I have! I have spent a LOT of time on the breaking up boards here, though not recently. The most recent breakup was about a year and a half ago... you can search my threads if you want to know more. I had the proverbial "it happens when you're not looking for it" experience. I met my BF when I wasn't looking to date, and I was really just enjoying my life, family, and friends on their own merits - no significant other required. It took a few months for me to come around and realize how great my BF is, and although we haven't been dating long, so far we are VERY compatible and we both see this as a long-term situation. I think it helps that I am 36, he is 37, and we have both lived and dated long enough to know what we want and need. In short, the bolded part of your statement rings very true of my current relationship, and it blows away every other relationship I've ever had in terms of what I'm getting back and how happy I am. On another site I frequent, the blogger likes to say "DON'T GIVE UP THE DAY BEFORE THE MIRACLE HAPPENS!" Truly, wherever you are in the recovery phase, *trust* that things will get better. But I do need to say that I had a lot of tearful days/nights/weeks - it took me over a year to really feel myself after that last breakup - and I did a lot of work on myself to get to a place where I was truly happy with my life, with or without a partner. Hi, I haven't been part of this community long, and I love it. But I do have 1 question that I'm not sure any of us are going to want to hear the answer to. There are so many of you on here who are truly amazing people, so caring, insightful and patient. And just reading what you have written to each other has helped me a great deal. I know all of you have been through exactly what I'm doing now - trying to put your life back together after losing the part you treasure most. But have any of us, after doing the coping; the falling apart, the NC, the falling apart again, and finally the growing and moving on, have any of us found what we're all talking about? I'm talking about someone you love as deeply as you did that one (or those ones for the members older than myself), that treats you the way you deserve. A relationship where you do all the things you realized you didnt last time (like demand more). Someone who, through the good and bad times, loves you as crazily and unconditionally as you do them? Someone who you finally can spend the rest of your life with, rather than someone you thought you could until they tore you apart? I realise that this is kinda morbid. And it in no way takes away from how important what we all do on here is. Or that you are right, we do need to love ourselves first, and let ourselves heal so we can love another again. And no matter what the answer is I'm not giving up, I've got a great life coming to me. I'm just interested.
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 The fact that you meet someone when you don't expect is hard to consider for us going through a breakup. I believe more in this than I do in "it is meant to be" stuff. I think that if there is some physical attraction, as well as emotional attraction (getting a long very well) that two people can work it out no matter what problem comes up. In order for this to work, both have to be mature and want to focus together. I'm no longer going to date anyone younger than me..I have noticed that most people are not always that mature or think the same way. For right now I feel as if I would love to erase all memories of my ex. I feel like I am moving on but those memories are hindering my move. If I did not know of her, I would be fine. But that is the hardest part right now.
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