WantToFixIt Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I was wondering if apologizing to your ex is a bad idea, even if you got dumped. It's been three months now, two nc. People seem to be right that things do get easier after a while... what seems to be left is good memories, sadness at the end and a then guilt for the way things were left. Would apologizing help? My only concern is that my apology will be ignored and that wouldn't feel good. I don't want to be friends or stay in touch.. were done. I just want to leave things on good terms. I know it's a wide world and we will probably never see each other again - but who knows. Maybe write an apology and never send it would be better? I'm thinking send it.
gaudi Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I was wondering if apologizing to your ex is a bad idea, even if you got dumped. It's been three months now, two nc. People seem to be right that things do get easier after a while... what seems to be left is good memories, sadness at the end and a then guilt for the way things were left. Would apologizing help? My only concern is that my apology will be ignored and that wouldn't feel good. I don't want to be friends or stay in touch.. were done. I just want to leave things on good terms. I know it's a wide world and we will probably never see each other again - but who knows. Maybe write an apology and never send it would be better? I'm thinking send it. Never in a million years am I going to apologise to someone who dumped me. They walk out of my life, leave me feeling like this, and I should say sorry ?? Nah, no thanks. Then again, that is my situation, I wasn't dumped for anything I had to be sorry for. I didn't cheat or do anything nasty. I never treated her bad or anything like that. I can see how in other cases that could possibly be different. But as for me, No, I don't apologise for being dumped.
sunrae Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Never in a million years am I going to apologise to someone who dumped me. They walk out of my life, leave me feeling like this, and I should say sorry ?? Nah, no thanks. I can see how in other cases that could possibly be different. But as for me, No, I don't apologise for being dumped. I agree 100%, I would NOT call and appologise... Sorry, nope not me...Not doing it... Honestly Wantofixit.. Are you looking for a reason to contact him?
Zeegagge Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Don't do it, it will only make you feel worse.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 If I understand it correctly, you'd want your apologies to create "good terms" between the two of you. Unfortunately, you have no control over that. Would you still want to apologize even if you knew that it would be ignored and that the way things are now (between the two of you) is how it's always going to be, no matter what you do? BUT/AND that after you apologize you will feel better about yourself and your side of things because you'll know that at least you did all you could to create the better terms that you'd like to have? Expect it to get ignored. Expect to feel better even after it gets ignored. Now would you still send it? If so, then send it. If not then, if you still send it, be prepared to feel disappointed, and even more powerless and helpless about being able to fix it.
Ilovecake Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I was wondering if apologizing to your ex is a bad idea, even if you got dumped. It's been three months now, two nc. People seem to be right that things do get easier after a while... what seems to be left is good memories, sadness at the end and a then guilt for the way things were left. Would apologizing help? My only concern is that my apology will be ignored and that wouldn't feel good. I don't want to be friends or stay in touch.. were done. I just want to leave things on good terms. I know it's a wide world and we will probably never see each other again - but who knows. Maybe write an apology and never send it would be better? I'm thinking send it. Are you apologizing because she decided you're not good enough to be in her life and dumped you? Sounds to me suspiciously like you're just looking for any excuse to break NC. It’s OK, we’ve all been there thinking we should do this and that, just be honest with yourself.
Pentel Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 i did it... and it didnt helped me on getting better or anything.. soo i dont think you should do it
HeavenOrHell Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I felt better for apologising but it made him worry I was taking all the blame and he told me I mustn't do that.
Author WantToFixIt Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I suppose yes i am looking for an excuse to break no contact although I don't think there is any way to get back together. The break up was hard, hard enough that I felt I needed moved 1500 miles away to get my mind working again. The move has definitely helped any illusions of romantic reconcilliation but my confidence is shot right now and it would be nice to know there was even a hint of emotion out there. It's hard to feel any potential to be attractive to anyone right now. Just trying to lift my self perception a little is all... Ronni your point is taken. I guess as long as there are ups and downs it is still the wrong move; plus i know it would be pathetic to apologize for being pathetic. It would be be even more pathetic to be ignored for for being pathetic and apologizing for it. But leaving things on a good note and then starting again still sounds good.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 i know it would be pathetic to apologize for being pathetic. It would be be even more pathetic to be ignored for for being pathetic and apologizing for it. I def gotta agree with you on that one! Do NOT apologize for being "pathetic" (not saying that you were actually that, just saying not to apologize for that even if you were...which you likely weren't.) But leaving things on a good note and then starting again still sounds good. If your ex and/or you had (or still have) ideas that there was even the tiniest bit of 'pathetic-ness' involved, then it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that you guys are gonna be striking any "good notes" again. As good as it may sound, it's so not likely that you may as well call it "impossible", and just let your desire for it die due to lack of realistic chance it'll come true. Hugs...and stay strong! (You likely weren't pathetic before...so don't start being it now )
sedgwick Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 (edited) I want very much to apologize to the man who dumped me two and a half years ago. He dumped me for not being a musician like he is, and I feel horrible for having expected him to spend time with me when he could have been playing music. I also feel tremendous guilt about the fact that I was taking beginner banjo lessons when we met but had to quit due to lack of money. If he had told me, ever, that the relationship was conditional on my continuing, I would have found a way to do it. So, yeah, I feel like I presented myself as someone who cared about music and let him down by quitting. (I mean, I DO care about music, very much, as a dancer, and I always wished we could practice together but he never had time as he is extremely brilliant and talented and was always in demand and rehearsing for something else.) I am still, all this time later, riddled with guilt over quitting. In some ways I feel like I can't move on until I apologize. Of course, I'd LOVE an apology for disappearing on me never to be seen again, or for hurting me, but I'm never going to get those things from him; he's way too good for me and doesn't owe me anything. But I would sell my soul for him just to tell me he still remembers me and acknowledge having hurt me -- even if he can't apologize for it, just acknowledge it. Still, I do feel like the breakup was my fault, so I'm more the one who should apologize. I just don't know how to do it as he doesn't ever want to see me or talk to me again (he never said this, but disappearing on me pretty much says it all.) Edited January 16, 2010 by sedgwick
Author WantToFixIt Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Sedgwick - you break my heart. Don't judge yourself for that. Music is only one of millions of ways to express yourself. You already have i.
DenverBachelor Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Speaking from personal experience, don't apologize for anything that occurred in the relationship. Once it is over, it is over and you need to focus your efforts on moving forward. Sending letters, apologizing, texting, calling, etc. -- these are just all things brought about by the bargaining stage of the loss we have experienced. You could write the most beautiful and perfect letter since Lord Byron wrote poetry and it would change nothing. There is an old saying that the person who cares less about the relationship is the one in power. Once you are dumped, you're already coming from below with everything you do. The best thing to do is to shut up and move forward with your life and by doing so, you regain the power tenfold. It's for yourself, too -- not to reconcile. Once one door closes, a million other ones are ready to be opened.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 So I will be the lone dissenting voice here. The technical reality is that I was the dumper in my relationship, however he pushed me to it. Most women would have walked years ago - but I saw possibilities and value in him (clearly I made those up in my rich and active little fantasy life). The ONLY thing that would get the rational me (can't speak for the emotional me - she's stupid and very much in love) to give it another try with him, is for him to give me a sincere, self reflectivce apology that shows a true understanding of what he did to contriubte to end the relationship. The apology would have to include suggestions of what major things will be different if we were to get back together. I won't go into details, but there are some very black and white issues with him that are barometers of his willingness to committ. Only then would I consider getting back together. To tell the truth while I can hope all I want - it's not going to happen. He does not ahve the skills required to be deeply introspective. He prefers to play the victim. As far as being friends - I don't think I could be friends with someone who did wha the did to me. He never understood that while I am very outgoing and social and have many, many acquaintances - I have only a select few friends. We can go years without seeing eachother, but we are still there for one another. These are people I trust implicitly. He does not fall into that category. Not sure if this helped. I may have digressed, if so sorry.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I want very much to apologize to the man who dumped me two and a half years ago. He dumped me for not being a musician like he is, and I feel horrible for having expected him to spend time with me when he could have been playing music. I also feel tremendous guilt about the fact that I was taking beginner banjo lessons when we met but had to quit due to lack of money. If he had told me, ever, that the relationship was conditional on my continuing, I would have found a way to do it. Sedgwick - one day you will realize your own value on your own measurement system. You are still using HIS measurement system and frankly it is so ridiculously mono focussed I cannot begin to rip it apart. Why not start by giving yourself a break? I've got to tell you everything you've ever posted about this guy really makes me dislike him.
Beeotch Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I was wondering if apologizing to your ex is a bad idea, even if you got dumped. It's been three months now, two nc. People seem to be right that things do get easier after a while... what seems to be left is good memories, sadness at the end and a then guilt for the way things were left. Would apologizing help? My only concern is that my apology will be ignored and that wouldn't feel good. I don't want to be friends or stay in touch.. were done. I just want to leave things on good terms. I know it's a wide world and we will probably never see each other again - but who knows. Maybe write an apology and never send it would be better? I'm thinking send it. Well you should examine why you want to apologize....if it is not genuine, if you are expecting something etc then I would say don't bother. If you genuinely feel you should apologize for something then to me, doing that will make you feel more free if it is genuine. However, if subconsciously it is meant for any other reason than true remorse it might be a futile endeavor.
Ilovecake Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Speaking from personal experience, don't apologize for anything that occurred in the relationship. Once it is over, it is over and you need to focus your efforts on moving forward. Sending letters, apologizing, texting, calling, etc. -- these are just all things brought about by the bargaining stage of the loss we have experienced. You could write the most beautiful and perfect letter since Lord Byron wrote poetry and it would change nothing. There is an old saying that the person who cares less about the relationship is the one in power. Once you are dumped, you're already coming from below with everything you do. The best thing to do is to shut up and move forward with your life and by doing so, you regain the power tenfold. It's for yourself, too -- not to reconcile. Once one door closes, a million other ones are ready to be opened. DB hit the nail right smack on the head. Very wise indeed.
LovelyDaze Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 No. Why apologize? Unless you did some reprehensible things like abuse, theft or something hardcore like that, I wouldn't see the point. Especially when you are the dumpee..no need. You didn't up and walk out of the dumpers life. Just let it go at the breakup. Apologize might shine the turd just a little but not enough where it would mean anything to either party.
Author WantToFixIt Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I'm sure I will regret writing this but I've had some time now to "catch up" so to speak; it has been a couple months now and it still bothers me the way things were left. To put it simply I want to apologize for my behavior. I am still embarrassed when I think about what I had written and said; honestly, I don't know what I was talking about or hoping to accomplish. You said your piece and did not need to repeat yourself. I should not have contacted you in any way after that and I will not do so in the future. I am not suggesting that we be friends, talk or stay in contact - you were clear how you felt about that. I would like to leave things on a better note; so that if on the off chance we do run into each other, we can say a friendly hello and goodbye. Like you would say "there is another half to this equation", so this is my piece, and the rest is not my decision to make.
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