What's Your Biggest FEAR or FRUSTRATION related to DATING?

[Itzo]

living a lie--someone telling you they love you knwoing they dont...yes i fear that...someone cheating on me and me never knowin (or even finding out..cheating period)...or someone losing love for me "falling out of love with me" when im treating them like loyalty...and also the person i love changing on me, starting to treat me bad after a long time were together...

 

 

anything that would lead to my love life going to **** and me ending up heartbroken and with trust issues...yupp:o

 

I know what you mean.

 

So you fear that your loved one may cheat on you, because he might be not honest with you completely? Somewhere hidden in yourself you know that he might lie when he says, "I love you & I care about you." Do I understand you right?

 

Can you make up a story, with the worst scenario that may happen, associated with this fear? Of course, just make it up in your mind ... it is not going to be REAL. Just think about it ... in detail & share it with everyone here

 

Of course this will make you feel uncomfortable, but it will also help you realize some other things, associated with that fear.

[Itzo]

My biggest frustration is the armor I've wrapped myself in to avoid being hurt.

 

I dont' meet people, because.. well to be honest, I don't exactly put out a vibe that says "Hey, I'm a decent, normal kind of guy.. "

 

It's more of a "Look at me the wrong way and I'll break you in ways you can't imagine".. which is sad, because I'm not really like that.

 

The frustration is I've been this way for so long now, I can't find my keys to get out...

 

I push people away, all the while feeling empty and lonely.

 

Thanks for sharing!

So you push people away to avoid rejection, before the actual encounter?

This make you feel better at the moment, but when you are alone with yourself again you realize that you are really lonely, and you wish you could meet more people & trust more people.

 

Let me ask you a question Neowulf.

How to find the keys to get out?

 

Some people find failure very valuble, sometimes more valuable than success. Because from failures & setbacks people LEARN MORE than experiencing success. So instead of trying to avoid failure, dig deep into it.

 

One of my favorite songs is from Eminem, there he says ... "and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse." I think this best resonates with the situation. Is this right? Do I understand you?

Edited January 18, 2010 by Itzo
Adding a title

[Left in a Lurch]

Being led on. You go on dates, everything seems like it is going ok and you have a lot to talk about, and then something happens like a mutual friend out of the blue tells you, "Sorry it didn't work out" and you're like wtf?

Or the mutual friend will talk about hanging out with the person you're dating and excludes you, so you get the hint in a gut punch sort of way. Or sometimes after a few dates they agree to go on another one but won't set a date or just kind of keep you at a distance and you get stuck wondering if it is worth following through because you like them or just moving on.

 

The worst is probably when you talk about going out but she doesn't return your calls and you figure she's not interested and then you get a message from her 6 or 7 days later during the day when she figures you'll be at work and least likely to answer with a brief "sorry, I've been really busy" message that doesn't mention any interest in meeting up, that you can tell is a blow off but it still leads you on because you think she did call so maybe there is some interest.

 

That and being set up. It's hard to meet single people but female friends will offer to set you up with someone, and you know they have at least a couple of really attractive single friends. When you get to the 'set up' it's one of their not-so-attractive friends. I dread having to look like a jerk and telling them I am not really interested, or try to be nice but not lead them on. Either way you can forget about her other attractive friends. What's worse is knowing either she asked her attractive friends and they had no interest or she figured you weren't attractive enough for them and filtered them out.

[Nikki Sahagin]

1. I can like someone but as soon as they me I am immediately off-put. I think I am somewhat of a commitment phobe and I don't like the idea of someone being available. I am attracted to complications and having to work/earn something. I don't like meeting someone/getting on/going out. There has to be a drama/competition so that there is emotional intensity. Without this, I can't develop emotional attraction to a man. I just feel distant and bored :S

 

2. Perhaps because of the way I am, I assume that my partner will always want another woman. I don't think men need to be faithful in this day and age. Its a mans world and they can have meaningless sex without a relationship, so why would they pick a relationship with the same girl?

 

3. Fear of the fairy tale/passion ending and becoming static and boring

 

4. Fear that no guy can live up to my first love so whats the point having expectations?

 

5. General disinterested attitude to relationships in myself although I do want love and caring. I think I was born with a bitter and jaded view of relationships. I know my fantasy of the ideal relationship is impossible so I don't see the point in settling for less. Think i'd rather be alone. I find relationships disapointing because my imagination or movies or books makes them out to be intense and all-emcompassing (like my first love) but it never lasts.

[Nikki Sahagin]

6. I have a guard up that I just can't take down.

 

7. I can't be myself if I like a guy. Around my male and female friends I can make them laugh/be smart. As soon as I like a guy I act boring and dumb because I am too worried to be me. My personality is lost when I like a guy. I can be great friends with a guy, as soon as we see each other, 'I change' but its because I clam up and can't be me. Too reserved & shy for the exuberant world of dating!

[SadandConfusedWA]

1. I can like someone but as soon as they me I am immediately off-put. I think I am somewhat of a commitment phobe and I don't like the idea of someone being available. I am attracted to complications and having to work/earn something. I don't like meeting someone/getting on/going out. There has to be a drama/competition so that there is emotional intensity. Without this, I can't develop emotional attraction to a man. I just feel distant and bored :S

 

 

That is also one of my issues...

[GAchasen]

1. I can like someone but as soon as they me I am immediately off-put. I think I am somewhat of a commitment phobe and I don't like the idea of someone being available. I am attracted to complications and having to work/earn something. I don't like meeting someone/getting on/going out. There has to be a drama/competition so that there is emotional intensity. Without this, I can't develop emotional attraction to a man. I just feel distant and bored :S

 

2. Perhaps because of the way I am, I assume that my partner will always want another woman. I don't think men need to be faithful in this day and age. Its a mans world and they can have meaningless sex without a relationship, so why would they pick a relationship with the same girl?

 

3. Fear of the fairy tale/passion ending and becoming static and boring

 

4. Fear that no guy can live up to my first love so whats the point having expectations?

 

5. General disinterested attitude to relationships in myself although I do want love and caring. I think I was born with a bitter and jaded view of relationships. I know my fantasy of the ideal relationship is impossible so I don't see the point in settling for less. Think i'd rather be alone. I find relationships disapointing because my imagination or movies or books makes them out to be intense and all-emcompassing (like my first love) but it never lasts.

 

I think # 5 is a good point. We are all socialized from the time we are little to think that Mr. Right will sweep us off our feet. It just doesn't happen like the movies or in some cases, books. I remember when I was 16 or so, all of my friends use to cut out wedding dresses and etc...Not me....I was not concerned with that idea at the time. Now, I am. I spent my 20's being a committment phobe and now that I am older I'm ready. But most of the men I meet are jerks. I believe I will meet the right one, though.

[Nikki Sahagin]

That is also one of my issues...

 

Nice to know i'm not alone.

With my first ex, it was him having another girlfriend and the suffering that caused me that sparked the emotional intensity, which lasted into our relationship.

 

Its like I need to 'suffer' to care for a man. If he is hard to get/mean and THEN nice, I care for him. Otherwise I don't care about him at all. Its a blank. My last ex we'd have sex and chat and i'd feel nothing. Just want to get away and go home. I really wish I didn't need that 'drama' to like a guy....I don't understand why I do. I think I find men/relationships boring unless you inject some drama into it. I would say this is childish/immature but yet I am also immediately put off of players/bad boys/idiots so really...I think I am just a cold-hearted loner lol!

[Itzo]

My greatest frustration has to do with the role that a man is expected to play in the dating game. A man is supposed to take upon himself all the unpleasant and uncomfortable aspects of dating. As a man, you are expected to initiate contact with the girl, chase her, impress her with your confidence, decide where to take her on dates, often pay for her, make sure she is not bored, etc, etc. And when it doesn't work out, you get to deal with rejection, unanswered phone calls and being told that you're a great 'friend'. In contrast, it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to be passive and shy and put little effort into meeting men.

 

So a man is basically expected to jump through all sorts of hoops, put himself in various potentially embarrassing/humiliating situations, overcome his inhibitions (i.e. shyness) - and all of this is simply to get the dating process rolling, before he even knows that the girl he's after is a keeper. That's probably the reason why I don't approach women as often as I should - I feel that the whole 'chasing skirts' thing is beneath me.

 

As for my greatest fear, it's getting married and having kids only to go through a divorce several years later. With divorce rates at 50%, it's pretty damn scary to make such a long-term commitment. Women always wonder why men are afraid of commitments. A better question is why aren't women more afraid of making the marriage commitment? Would you invest your life savings in a business enterprise that has a 50% probability of failure?

 

Thanks for sharing your pain, Johnny M.

 

I have a question for you.

 

How to turn the cards in your favour?

How to get out of the "dating game" you've described above?

 

Give me your own perspective to fix this problem, that leads you to frustration & anxiety. What you can do right now to get women to like you without expecting ANYTHING from you.

 

I bolded some of the parts to emphasize on.

 

I just want to give you a hint. Taking responsibility for everything is like having control over your own actions.

 

Most people who do not take responsibility are influenced by the environment & other people they meet, rather than guiding themselves & being in control. In other words, taking responsibility is equal to be in control, because once you admit to yourself to take responsibility over a situation, you always have the FLEXIBILITY to make adjustments in your favour.

 

When you fail, you took responsibility for it ... accept this as your fault & move on, because deep inside you know that you have the power to change that. Just take responsibility in everything you do.

 

If you think you are expected to do this or that is showing unwillingness to take responsibility. So let me get back to the questions above:

 

How to turn the cards in your favour?

How to get out of the "dating game" you've described above?

[Cinderella7]

My fear is that I won't find a good guy who actually wants a long-term commitment and has what it takes to stick with it.

 

I fear that too few people understand that real love is a lasting commitment you stick with, through the good and the bad, and that both are inevitable, no matter who you are.

 

This is my fear exactly.

[OceanTropic]

My biggest fear used to be falling in love with someone who would break my heart. That sh*t hurts.

 

Then it happened. I survived. I guess i'm pretty fearless now lol.

 

Frustration? When a guy doesn't know if he is interested or not, and keeps coming and going. Make up your mind!!

[xpressyaself22]

I also fear being led on or used..in my last relationship everything went great until I let him know that I wasn't ready to have sex with him, and then he became "too busy for a relationship" a few days after breaking up with me he texted to ask if I'd have sex with someone I wasn't dating...clearly no intentions of wanting to get back together, just wanting sex, which leads me to believe that he didn't have good intentions in the relationship to begin with.

 

My frustration in a relationship, is lack of real communication, again with the ex, he only comunicated by text, never by phone, and when we had arguments he came out said he'd talk about it over texts but not talk on the phone. I do't know if this is what the world is coming to, with the ease and convienence of text messaging, but I truly think text messaging kills a relationship, there's just too many ways to read things the wrong and cause unnecessary arguments.

[Itzo]

Itzo, have you been reading the threads on nice guys, and the one on men in LTR's tend to have rude, demanding female partners?

 

I think this falls into the category of what men 'think' they want, a nice, caring girl...but more often, from what I've seen, they don't.

 

I think 'nice girls' need to sex it up a bit. Men are visual creatures and the promise of sex is the thing that sparks their interest, later they may or may not find that you have an emotional connection, but without sparking off that sexual interest in the first place, you won't even get to talk with them.

 

This was a big mistake I made for many years, I thought overt flirting, or being sexy would only draw in men who just wanted one night stands, when I've realised it simply attracts the interest of all men, those who are just looking for sex and those who want something more serious.

 

The ideal outcome? To meet someone who falls in love with me and I fall in love with them, to end the search for Mr. Right (if he exists), because I'm tired of it. It would be nice to think that that phase of my life is done with, and to put it behind me and work on maintaining a healthy, happy relationship rather than constantly looking for a healthy, happy, relationship

 

Interesting observation ...

I did not think of that.

What is the specific thread on "nice guys" you read it?

I think there are many of them.

 

This is what caught my attention from your response:

 

I think this falls into the category of what men 'think' they want, a nice, caring girl...but more often, from what I've seen, they don't.

 

I think 'nice girls' need to sex it up a bit. Men are visual creatures and the promise of sex is the thing that sparks their interest, later they may or may not find that you have an emotional connection, but without sparking off that sexual interest in the first place, you won't even get to talk with them.

 

This has a potential to be very fundamental lesson for most men.

I believe nice & caring girls usually fall into the "friends" category with males. But men interpet this female niceness in sexual terms. Which is the huge mistake. I tried this out. I did this huge mistake, & I experienced it.

 

The Funny thing of this "niceness" from her side was that, I was attracted to it, i WAS OBSESSED. It was crazy, that's why I told you this in my previous reply.

 

I realized that when a woman is NICE, then she's kind of psycho-aggressive control freak to me I am just sayin' .

If not caught at the beginning, sooner or later it becomes with the range of 5 kilo-tons nuclear bomb moving to your heart

Edited January 19, 2010 by Itzo

[Mr White]

My biggest fear related to dating is that women look at marriage as an end in itself, so there is a strong chance they're putting up a much better show an a picture of themselves before the ceremony than what the reality really is, and then change quickly for their true worse self after the ceremony.

[paddington bear]

Interesting observation ...

I did not think of that.

What is the specific thread on "nice guys" you read it?

 

This has a potential to be very fundamental lesson for most men.

I believe nice & caring girls usually fall into the "friends" category with males. But men interpet this female niceness in sexual terms. Which is the huge mistake. I tried this out. I did this huge mistake, & I experienced it.

 

just do a search on nice guys...I think this topic has been covered a lot.

 

This is interesting to me too, I am nice and caring and have often been relegated to being 'just a friend', and that friendzone is just as hard to get out of for girls as it is for guys.

 

However, on the other hand, there have been guys who have mistaken my friendliness without further interest as flirting. And the guys I really am attracted to I don't behave that way around, because I clam up, so they never see that I'm interested. Unintentional mixed signals going all over the place.

[Itzo]

just do a search on nice guys...I think this topic has been covered a lot.

 

This is interesting to me too, I am nice and caring and have often been relegated to being 'just a friend', and that friendzone is just as hard to get out of for girls as it is for guys.

 

However, on the other hand, there have been guys who have mistaken my friendliness without further interest as flirting. And the guys I really am attracted to I don't behave that way around, because I clam up, so they never see that I'm interested. Unintentional mixed signals going all over the place.

 

Yes definitely I will do some research on that, because is sooo non-intuitive. Stuff like that fascinates me.

Usually whatever someone thinks is the right thing, turns out to be exact opposite

 

I tend to believe that we are reverse beings, everything we understand about the world around us is in exactly the opposite way. So turn the cards on the opposite site & you will begin to see things that work & weird (non-intuitive).

 

I heard somewhere that ... "The common sense is VERY uncommon."

Regarding the friendzone ... there are ways to get out of it. This is like taking a risk, because if not done right, you may lose that "friend" forever. Another sacrifice that people need to take into account.

[Itzo]

What's your biggest fear in dating?

[MillerCope]

I like girls who understand you as a person who has a good knowledge in giving there men true happiness, a girl who is passionate enough in a relationship that is working to succeed in a long run of it...

 

Why does we fear in dating? dating means knowing the person you are attracted then why fear if it only means that you will know his/her true identity and taking a risk in dating is not bad at all...

 

just try your luck...

[silverfish]

Yes definitely I will do some research on that, because is sooo non-intuitive. Stuff like that fascinates me.

Usually whatever someone thinks is the right thing, turns out to be exact opposite

 

I tend to believe that we are reverse beings, everything we understand about the world around us is in exactly the opposite way. So turn the cards on the opposite site & you will begin to see things that work & weird (non-intuitive).

 

I heard somewhere that ... "The common sense is VERY uncommon."

Regarding the friendzone ... there are ways to get out of it. This is like taking a risk, because if not done right, you may lose that "friend" forever. Another sacrifice that people need to take into account.

 

I agree with Paddington that there is absolutely a friendzone for women as well as men. Its very different for women to get out of though...more so I would say....as men will be, lets say, more vulnerable to 'advances' from a so called female friend, than a woman would be from a male friend.

 

This often turns into a FWB situation for the woman and rarely becomes anything more than that...I wouldn't bother trying TBH.

[Itzo]

I agree with Paddington that there is absolutely a friendzone for women as well as men. Its very different for women to get out of though...more so I would say....as men will be, lets say, more vulnerable to 'advances' from a so called female friend, than a woman would be from a male friend.

 

This often turns into a FWB situation for the woman and rarely becomes anything more than that...I wouldn't bother trying TBH.

 

Correct, because when a man is attracted to this women, she is not, because she interprets him as a friend. This is the main reason why men are definitely more vulnerable to 'advance' from a female friend than women to men. But I am sure you know that already, cuz I just paraphrased your sentence . The thing you perhaps do not know is when the WOMEN is nice to the men, she begins this psychic control freak behavior, most men interpret this niceness as an attraction & men doing all these crazy things like to MAKE her attracted to him or trying to CONVINCE her to sleep with him ... but he has no clue that she wants to just be friends. So I think here i a pure men's issue. But women has to stop with this 'nice' kind of thing behavior, because it sends the wrong signals.

[Itzo]

This often turns into a FWB situation for the woman and rarely becomes anything more than that...I wouldn't bother trying TBH.

 

 

By the way, what is TBH?

Why you people are making such shortcuts?

Do not be that lazy, you know, make it more understandable.

 

I am assuming FWB means, Friends With Benefits?

[Awesome Username]

One day in the future I have one or two kids home and I have an apron on with Santa on it and I'm making hella good cookies. There is Christmas music in the background. I'm pouring milk into a glass and all of a sudden my ****HEAD, I SHOULD HAVE NOT MARRIED HIM husband comes in drunk and smells really bad. He has flies around his head, and he's telling at the kids, making them cry. I start yelling at him and I am so frustrated, I run up the stairs and find that it burns when I pee, because he gave me STDs from a hooker. I have to attend AA meetings with him and forgive him for stuff he doesn't even remember. But he was so sweet when I met him!

[ella23]

By the way, what is TBH?

Why you people are making such shortcuts?

Do not be that lazy, you know, make it more understandable.

 

I am assuming FWB means, Friends With Benefits?

TBH= To be honest

FWB= Friends with benefits

[Itzo]

One day in the future I have one or two kids home and I have an apron on with Santa on it and I'm making hella good cookies. There is Christmas music in the background. I'm pouring milk into a glass and all of a sudden my ****HEAD, I SHOULD HAVE NOT MARRIED HIM husband comes in drunk and smells really bad. He has flies around his head, and he's telling at the kids, making them cry. I start yelling at him and I am so frustrated, I run up the stairs and find that it burns when I pee, because he gave me STDs from a hooker. I have to attend AA meetings with him and forgive him for stuff he doesn't even remember. But he was so sweet when I met him!

 

 

Thanks for sharing.

Actually this is inevitable not the situation you've described, but the fact that people change over time. Life is a dynamic process, so that's why people have to know well their partners, in order to get involved in a long-term commitment, that eventually comes with the bigger responsibilities

[Itzo]

TBH= To be honest

FWB= Friends with benefits

 

 

Damn to crack this code, it may take a long time

 

Thanks for clarifying