paddington bear Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Awesome, Thanks for sharing Paddington Bear. I think in order to attract more single men into your life is not that hard thing to do. The most thing that turns on single males is the female's NICENESS. If you are extremely nice to a man, he will be into you within seconds. If you show this "being an angel" & "caring" behavior, it is very attractive to men. Most men interpret this "niceness" more into sexual terms, rather than something more settle I am not saying that you are going to attract only HORNY men, who want only sex, but you can ignite this sexual energy inside them that can really be helpful establishing some kind of relation. More eye contact is good, that's an awesome step, indicates an interest, but it is really the first step. This behavior of niceness is really a power to attract single men into your life. So try it out, and let me know of the results you get from it. It is a very simple and powerful "technique" you may use. Having all this in mind, Paddington Bear, what's the ideal outcome or result you want to achieve? Itzo, have you been reading the threads on nice guys, and the one on men in LTR's tend to have rude, demanding female partners? I think this falls into the category of what men 'think' they want, a nice, caring girl...but more often, from what I've seen, they don't. I think 'nice girls' need to sex it up a bit. Men are visual creatures and the promise of sex is the thing that sparks their interest, later they may or may not find that you have an emotional connection, but without sparking off that sexual interest in the first place, you won't even get to talk with them. This was a big mistake I made for many years, I thought overt flirting, or being sexy would only draw in men who just wanted one night stands, when I've realised it simply attracts the interest of all men, those who are just looking for sex and those who want something more serious. The ideal outcome? To meet someone who falls in love with me and I fall in love with them, to end the search for Mr. Right (if he exists), because I'm tired of it. It would be nice to think that that phase of my life is done with, and to put it behind me and work on maintaining a healthy, happy relationship rather than constantly looking for a healthy, happy, relationship
paddington bear Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I've been told by "helpful" acquaintances that I am attractive enough that my courtesy and sincerity makes me look like a player. I assume I was supposed to take that as a "you seem too good to be true" style compliment, but I am particularly insulted when I get such lovely encouragement. If they are correct however, and as I wouldn't know I admit it is possible, that would then mean that being decent looking is working against me. It seems a particularly ridiculous notion to me, but I've had more than one lady say it to me. Maybe I am pushing player vibes on accident somehow, which would be an accomplishment since I don't even know how to be a player. That's just not my bag. That was kind of rambly and disjointed. I am aware of this, and I'm not fixing it. Nyah. Look, being attractive certainly helps - we all know that!!! But beyond looks, we all need something else to keep people's interest. Why would courtesy and sincerity make you look like a player???? I don't get it. Are these player attributes? Any players I've met are highly flirtatious and complimentary, they are so good at it that I get instantly suspicious, like it is too practised, been used so many times on many others before. Is that what you mean about courtesy and sincerity? If you are an attractive, good looking man, I think it can work against you (goes for male and female). Some examples: Two different guys in the space of a couple of months saying to me "I guess I've no chance with you, someone like you of course has a boyfriend" and me thinking 'dear God I've been single for yeeeeears' Male cousin with a friend oogling some attractive women at a club and going on and on about how good looking they were. When asked why they didn't do something about it, they both said 'Oh we couldn't, they're too good looking, we'd get shot down' (bearing in mind this cousin works as a part-time model..v good looking guy). Both ended up talking and flirting with women they found less attractive because they assumed the better looking girls wouldn't give them the time of day. A stunning (and I mean stunning) looking female friend of mine who was very sexy with it was perpetually single, men were totally intimidated by her good looks and didn't dare approach. So...it is reasonable to assume that if many handsome men and beautiful women are overlooked over and over due to people being intimidated by their looks that it must lower their self-esteem as much as those people who feel they are overlooked due to being unattractive. I myself wouldn't dare to go for some obviously good-looking guy because you assume that they could easily get women better looking and with better figures than me - there is also the fear that they would constantly be hit on by other women during the course of your relationship. I'm guessing that you are not pushing 'player vibes' I'm guessing that when you are good-looking but not arrogant with it and not thinking you are God's gift, that people do assume that you are too good to be true, that there must be some flaw - I guess because good-looks and manners and sincerity in one package is rare to find.
Bejita463 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Why would courtesy and sincerity make you look like a player???? I don't get it. Are these player attributes? Any players I've met are highly flirtatious and complimentary, they are so good at it that I get instantly suspicious, like it is too practised, been used so many times on many others before. Is that what you mean about courtesy and sincerity? I honestly have no idea. I never felt like I've given that vibe, but open minded as I am I admit to the possibility that they were right. How they are, or what exactly they meant is past me. They tend to stop offering me insults when they realize they've offended me. I'm not particularly shy about voicing that. I used to be much more passive, until I realized some people took that as an excuse to try and treat you like a doormat. Two different guys in the space of a couple of months saying to me "I guess I've no chance with you, someone like you of course has a boyfriend" and me thinking 'dear God I've been single for yeeeeears' I admit to being guilty of this. I am picky about what I consider attractive, and when I am actually attracted to a female, they tend to look plenty more than good enough that it is hard to think that they are available. Sort of a "Well, if I want this, certainly I'm not the only one. What are the chances she is free" type of mentality. That also, is a type of thinking I have been trying to move away from. Someone made a display that was... well, embarrassing, but the boldness impressed me. I was hanging with the ex, and we were sitting side by side chatting about something, and some guy I'd noticed had been checking her out for a while came over and tried to chat her up with me sitting right there. His pickup line was just terrible, but the balls that must have took had me nodding in approval. I took notes. So...it is reasonable to assume that if many handsome men and beautiful women are overlooked over and over due to people being intimidated by their looks that it must lower their self-esteem as much as those people who feel they are overlooked due to being unattractive. I'd never looked at it that way. I've had a similar way of thinking about striking up conversation with strangers though. That way being that they are as likely to want to speak with me as I am with them, and are equally nervous about it as a result. Same general principle, I think. I myself wouldn't dare to go for some obviously good-looking guy because you assume that they could easily get women better looking and with better figures than me - there is also the fear that they would constantly be hit on by other women during the course of your relationship. When actually IN relationships I get told that whole "I don't understand why you are with me, since you could get so much better if you tried" thing a lot. One thing I can say here, is if I choose to be with someone, there is a reason for it. That statement unintentionally tells me that my choices suck, and/or that I am lazy. After all, if I wasn't lazy and made better choices, I'd have a better lady, right? Huge turnoff, to have that said to you. That's in my Top 3 things I dislike having said to me the most. "We need to talk" is, off the top of my head, holding #1. I'm guessing that you are not pushing 'player vibes' I'm guessing that when you are good-looking but not arrogant with it and not thinking you are God's gift, that people do assume that you are too good to be true, that there must be some flaw - I guess because good-looks and manners and sincerity in one package is rare to find. Maybe it is neither, and I just smell particularly bad. Like a perpetual cloud of burnt hair smell.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 My biggest fear: that I am not good looking enough for men that are truly supeficial but I don't have enough of a personality for the men that are not.
counterman Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 I fear having to settle for less because I can't find the one that's for me. My friend has been out there and has had about 6 relationships and the girl he's with currently, he says she's the one and he hopes it goes well for the future. He told me that it's 90% luck, is that true?
ella23 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 My biggest frustration is meeting Mr. Grass-is-always-greener He knows the type of woman he wants to meet. He meets her...and because he actually meets the girl he things is wonderful and meets every expectation he thought he wanted he now thinks that he should want something more and doesn't commit to the girl who fit his bill. I have the same fears, that the guy will find someone better and move on.
Satisfaction Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 My biggest fear: that I am not good looking enough for men that are truly supeficial but I don't have enough of a personality for the men that are not. It doesn't matter about our looks, just make sure, you are clean, smell nice and wear things that bring out your best features. If you don't thik you have good features, you are not looking hard enough.
Ilovehim Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 living a lie--someone telling you they love you knwoing they dont...yes i fear that...someone cheating on me and me never knowin (or even finding out..cheating period)...or someone losing love for me "falling out of love with me" when im treating them like loyalty...and also the person i love changing on me, starting to treat me bad after a long time were together... anything that would lead to my love life going to **** and me ending up heartbroken and with trust issues...yupp:o
shadowplay Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 That I'll love somebody and he'll love me and then just stop one day.
doushenka Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Context is here, on another LS thread. I know I'm polyamorous (i.e. ethically non-monogamous). I know I couldn't stand to be possessed forever by one man; that feels like prison. I'm aware that it's also not what a lot of guys want in a woman and have accepted the limiting factor. I'm scared that the other poly guys (other than Beloved) out there are going to want to be part of relationships that are much less closed than my current arrangement. You know the saying that you're having sex with all of your partner's partners? Yeah. I don't want to be having sex with more than one or two people I'm not actually boinking, and I don't intend to do that to whoever I'm with. My ideal is two lovers of my own, counting the one I've got, and that's it. This makes me weird among poly folks. I need commitment and security when it comes to sex, and that's what I have now -- but I want that in a context where I'm not functionally monogamous. What I need, I suppose, is to talk with Beloved about looking together in the spring. (I like having his input, okay? We're alike enough that we suit each other, but different enough that we see different traits in people.) I doubt anyone's going to relate, but I needed to vent.
dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I have the same fears, that the guy will find someone better and move on. Same here. I'm confident in who I am, but worry that who I am is not who he wants in the end.
Orchid8 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My biggest frustration when it comes to dating is the uncertainty. Not know what to expect (even though I'm not supposed to have expectations). It still happens.... Also, I hate dating games. If a guy waits for 3 days to call me to let me know he is interested and to ask me out, by then, I have already moved on and have lost interest. There's a saying that goes "strike the iron while it's hot" and it only lasts a couple of days until I lose interest. Unless, he is someone I have a genuine connection with, then, I would be willing to wait a couple more days.
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think what is a big frustration for me is that men just want sex on dates....all the time.....and that just turns me off. Just when I think I am going out with a good guy who respects me and then bam!!! He is stuck to me like glue. I don't dress overly sexy. I don't give out signals that I just want to get naked and not get to know him....so what gives???? I know men think about sex every hour of the day.
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My biggest frustration when it comes to dating is the uncertainty. Not know what to expect (even though I'm not supposed to have expectations). It still happens.... Also, I hate dating games. If a guy waits for 3 days to call me to let me know he is interested and to ask me out, by then, I have already moved on and have lost interest. There's a saying that goes "strike the iron while it's hot" and it only lasts a couple of days until I lose interest. Unless, he is someone I have a genuine connection with, then, I would be willing to wait a couple more days. I'm right with you on dating games...
Orchid8 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think what is a big frustration for me is that men just want sex on dates....all the time.....and that just turns me off. Just when I think I am going out with a good guy who respects me and then bam!!! He is stuck to me like glue. I don't dress overly sexy. I don't give out signals that I just want to get naked and not get to know him....so what gives???? I know men think about sex every hour of the day. I am totally with you! That turns me off too..especially when when the innocent flirty text messages becomes sexual inuendos even if we haven't even gone there yet. I feel like a piece of meat sometimes...sucks.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My fear is that I won't find a good guy who actually wants a long-term commitment and has what it takes to stick with it. I fear that too few people understand that real love is a lasting commitment you stick with, through the good and the bad, and that both are inevitable, no matter who you are.
Woggle Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I fear that my wife will eventually turn out to be another walkaway wife who turns on me the minute i truly start to trust her. I fear ending up in the same position I see so many of my married friends end up in.
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My fear is that I won't find a good guy who actually wants a long-term commitment and has what it takes to stick with it. I fear that too few people understand that real love is a lasting commitment you stick with, through the good and the bad, and that both are inevitable, no matter who you are. I fear this too. My Aunt told me the other day that she feels sorry for people looking for someone in this day and age. I agree with her....
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I am totally with you! That turns me off too..especially when when the innocent flirty text messages becomes sexual inuendos even if we haven't even gone there yet. I feel like a piece of meat sometimes...sucks. LOL....I try to not send any flirty messages if I can help it~~~ because more often than none, they will send me a nude pic.... Just want to have normal conversation...as normal as texting can be, anyway.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I also fear that someone will settle for me while still being in love and pining for another, the one they couldn't have and effectively being with me as a consolation prize. (this is what happened with my most significant ex and this is to some extent what *I* felt for guys I dated (except for the ex)).
neowulf Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My biggest frustration is the armor I've wrapped myself in to avoid being hurt. I dont' meet people, because.. well to be honest, I don't exactly put out a vibe that says "Hey, I'm a decent, normal kind of guy.. " It's more of a "Look at me the wrong way and I'll break you in ways you can't imagine".. which is sad, because I'm not really like that. The frustration is I've been this way for so long now, I can't find my keys to get out... I push people away, all the while feeling empty and lonely.
sugar_and_spice Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I also fear that someone will settle for me while still being in love and pining for another, the one they couldn't have and effectively being with me as a consolation prize. (this is what happened with my most significant ex and this is to some extent what *I* felt for guys I dated (except for the ex)). he was in love with someone else yet you stayed with him?
tami-chan Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 My biggest fear: That in the grand scheme of HIS life, I would not matter. I know, it's crazy! My biggest frustration: That I cannot bring myself to fight for love...I just do not believe in it and I wish I do, because I know I will win but fear that after winning realize, what I won was not the grand prize but the consolation...
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 he was in love with someone else yet you stayed with him? Yes, because he denied it the whole time we are together. It was an ex gf of his and every time he mentioned her (which wasn't even a lot), I just got this weird feeling. She also lived in another state and had a partner so I am 99% there was no physical cheating going on. I do remember that we ran into her few times at weddings and I could see the visible changes on him every time he saw her. The way he looked at her, the way his mood changed afterwards etc. She also dumped him for another guy, and I don't think he ever moved on from that. However, he would tell me that he has 100% moved on, wouldn't ever get back together with her etc. I thought it was kind of crazy to break up based on a hunch. But my intutition was so strong about this, that it was at the back of my mind the whole time. He had other exes and female friends but I just KNEW that he only wanted her. Anyway, we ended up breaking up for mostly unrelated reasons, and about 4 weeks later they got back together and she has moved in with him. This kind of proved to me that I was correct. They were together for 2.5 years before she left him again for some guy at work (haha).
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