Dating after the death of a child

[Kristine]

My 14 year old son died Dec 15, 2009. About 2 weeks after I put myself out there to begin dating again, I had a date last night (the guy knows about my sons death) and we're having another date tomorrow. I've been single for 4 years now, pursuing my college degree the last 2 years and I'm 35. The date is 44 years old so he's a fast mover and doesn't play games he said.

 

I have 1 1/2 years of college to go and finishing is my priority however I have this strong urge now to have more children, really I had a strong urge back when I was 31 going through my divorce but postponed it. Now that I'm down to one child it's horrible, I never wanted to just have an only child you need the support network when your older. But I feel like my time is running out and well my sons death has made me more aware of the fact.

 

Am I just completely doing the wrong thing? I'm not going to knock myself up or anything and I'm with a guy who doesn't mind a person with children but said he never found the right person to have a child with so he's really not interested in having children (although he's the youngest of 12).

 

This got long. This guy is great, brought me flowers and chocolates on our first date (neither of my ex's did that on the first date). I already had a psychic tell me it won't work out, but I'm still going to enjoy my time with him as well as keep my options open.

 

Just kind of wondering if others have this urge for more children after a child dies? And if dating so soon after a death is wrong. I mean I feel like I'm handing his death well people have told me in the past I should be dating, now I just took them up on it.

 

Maybe that life is much shorter than we realize thing got to me. Any thoughts or comments?

 

Kristine

[theBrokenMuse]

I think your situation requires better advice than you can get on a message board. You should probably start talking to a professional about all these feelings - that's the best advice I can offer you. So sorry for your loss.

[silverfish]

Were you caring for your son? Was he sick before he died ? Just wondered if your desire to get into the dating scene etc was a bit of a void filler...I dont think that thinking about having another child is the way to go here and I agree that you should be spending this time processing whats just happened to you and not rushing into a relationship - you're all skewed right now so that needs to go on the back burner...

I cant imagine what you must be going through right now - how old is your other child?

Best wishes xx

[Kristine]

No my son did not reside with me anymore i tranferred his residency when he was 12 because he was difficult and wasn't following my rules so I thought his father would be able to reach him. I grieved that loss greatly, no idea it would be that hard. My other child is 7 now, he was 14 and committed suicide by hanging himself people watched and did nothing, I hope the feel it for the rest of their lives.

 

I'm going on a 2nd date with a man who said he didn't want to have children of his own, but when I asked he said the real truth was he never found anyone he felt stable enough to have children with, and he's been married before so I don't really understand it. Odds are I won't have more children but the desire to do so has been there for 4 years now.

[silverfish]

Well from what you said your son died less than a month ago...it sounds like there are a lot of unresolved issues there that you need to process. Counselling is probably the way to go, and not worrying about a new relationship....chances are you are in a depressed state of mind and it wont work til you work out your feelings about your son.

You also say you have a younger child - is he living with you? Any chance you can take some time off work and forget about dating and go to a family bereavement counsellor?

[Kristine]

I'm actually in college these days and can't leave, but did have a break. I was offered grief counseling, I suppose I should take my doctor up on it. I'm coping very little with his death. I bawled when I first heard but I've been kind of numb about it for the most part. I thought because I hadn't been seeing him daily that was why but now I just don't know.

[silverfish]

You should go. People have funny ways of showing grief but if you repress it it will harm you in the long run. What problems did you have with your son? How is your younger son reacting to his brothers death?

This guy you met - he wont be seeing the real you, unless you can talk to him about everything thats happened with you. It sounds like too early days for you to really be able to open up with him or anyone new after whats happened.

[Kristine]

I told him about my son's suicide, he asked some questions and I answered them. Guys are way more understanding than I expected them to be. My daughter is 7 I had a son and a daughter. She lives with her dad because I cracked after my dad died. So yes I know now I should go get help because I felt fine with my dad's death too, and we knew he was dying. Then it hit me one day hard, just everything hit. I'll call my doctor Monday about the grief counselor. But tomorrow I have a date.

 

My son was putting holes in the walls of the house, found out it was med related he was ADHD, I really feel like he was bipolar. He was skipping school, stealing things, etc. (he was 8 when most of this was happening), but I couldn't get him under control and social services was involved saying he just needed "a strong male role model" and his step dad wasn't it. So when he was 10 I decided to send him to his dad's we had to do sometransfer stuff through the court system and by the time he was 12 he was there with dad. My dad had died, I got divorced, lost my son, lost my job, then lost my daughter, I fell completely apart. Became suicidal, my mom came to live with me and now I'm in college working to better my future hopefully.

 

I had two finals the day of his funeral I had to postpone which meant telling my professors. Panic struck the school because I'm thinking they thought I'd do myself in. But I got my semester complete and the new one starts next week. I thought about taking off but then I worry I won't make it back so I'm sticking it through.

 

This guy is really sweet. He's had his own difficulties and is just really surprising me. He finished college later himself and believes I'm making the right decision to continue. We talked for 3 hours on our first date, plus the e-mailing back and forth talk.

 

Sorry this got long

[melodymatters]

I buried my husband last May. I am just starting to put a baby toe into the dating pool again. Personally, if I lost my CHILD, I don't think oxygen could ever get into my lungs again.

 

I realize you had bit of an estranged relationship, but Kristine, your son died one month ago, from SUICIDE, no less, and you are worrying about a 2nd date ?!?!

 

 

I am really not trying to be hurtful, but either you are in a lot of denial, or you really might be a heartless person..I've mourned dogs longer than that.

[silverfish]

I told him about my son's suicide, he asked some questions and I answered them. Guys are way more understanding than I expected them to be. My daughter is 7 I had a son and a daughter. She lives with her dad because I cracked after my dad died. So yes I know now I should go get help because I felt fine with my dad's death too, and we knew he was dying. Then it hit me one day hard, just everything hit. I'll call my doctor Monday about the grief counselor. But tomorrow I have a date.

 

My son was putting holes in the walls of the house, found out it was med related he was ADHD, I really feel like he was bipolar. He was skipping school, stealing things, etc. (he was 8 when most of this was happening), but I couldn't get him under control and social services was involved saying he just needed "a strong male role model" and his step dad wasn't it. So when he was 10 I decided to send him to his dad's we had to do sometransfer stuff through the court system and by the time he was 12 he was there with dad. My dad had died, I got divorced, lost my son, lost my job, then lost my daughter, I fell completely apart. Became suicidal, my mom came to live with me and now I'm in college working to better my future hopefully.

 

I had two finals the day of his funeral I had to postpone which meant telling my professors. Panic struck the school because I'm thinking they thought I'd do myself in. But I got my semester complete and the new one starts next week. I thought about taking off but then I worry I won't make it back so I'm sticking it through.

 

This guy is really sweet. He's had his own difficulties and is just really surprising me. He finished college later himself and believes I'm making the right decision to continue. We talked for 3 hours on our first date, plus the e-mailing back and forth talk.

 

Sorry this got long

 

Don't worry about it being long - its not at all compared to some posts you get on here. I think you're doing the right thing by going to the doctors. It probably wont do any harm to go on a date tomorrow, but just take it slowly and give yourself plenty of space to sort your other stuff out.

 

You mentioned your mum living with you - is she still there?

Sorry about your son - ADHD can be extrememly difficult to deal with. You say you think he may have been bipolar - is there a history of that in your family? Have any other family members been diagnosed ?

It sounds like you could do with some support if you decide to see a doctor, and your mum and possibly your b/f could help with

...just look after yourself & pm me if you want to talk more xx

[Kristine]

Thanks silverfish your very sweet.

 

And melody - I'm not heartless I started to tear up on the date thinking about him, my date asked if I was going to be alright and he still called me. It just hits when it hits. I bawled in the car when a song that made me think of him played on the radio. I can't be sad all the time or I wouldn't function and life requires functionality. But I have my moments. Guilt ridden feelings but everyone assures me I made the best decision for him at the time and well he loved his mother and I feel like he gave up on himself because I gave up on him so to speak. But regret gets you no where.

[silverfish]

Thanks silverfish your very sweet.

 

And melody - I'm not heartless I started to tear up on the date thinking about him, my date asked if I was going to be alright and he still called me. It just hits when it hits. I bawled in the car when a song that made me think of him played on the radio. I can't be sad all the time or I wouldn't function and life requires functionality. But I have my moments. Guilt ridden feelings but everyone assures me I made the best decision for him at the time and well he loved his mother and I feel like he gave up on himself because I gave up on him so to speak. But regret gets you no where.

 

Kristine, I read one of your other posts, and there was a quote in there that you said about your dad - to do with love? Sorry i cant remember exactly what the words were....what does that mean to you now, what he said?

You say regret gets you nowhere but you also say you blame yourself because you gave up on your son...maybe you have given up on yourself a little bit? I dont mean that you are a failure because you are doing well in parts of your life, more that you have buried a lot of feelings, and if you dont deal with them you are going to find it hard to find long term happiness with someone new.

You say life requires functionality, but actually it requires us to behave like humans not robots in order to be happy.

[Kristine]

Well I'm on medication these days so that could be numbing me out somewhat. But I've been playing lots of music lately and that's always been a coping mechanism for me. I'll call for the grief counselor.

 

A seemingly great guy has come along and I want to give it a chance. He brought me flowers on the first date, 5 roses and I love roses. He was a true gentleman and really seems to be like a guy with a good heart.

[Kristine]

Also I wasn't doing well until my best friend said my dad would be having a talk with my son. That brought me a great sense of relief and peace.

 

I don't recall the quote but love runs deep when it's your family.

[CaliGuy]

Kristine, whatever you need to do to help your grieving process, do it. Don't worry about the people criticising you over your second date jitters. You've had a LOT of things happen in your life that would break most people. I commend your strength.

 

The grieving process is going to take time. Date, go out, try and have fun and when you have your down days, realize that it will get better over time. Let the healing process happen naturally and I hope that you do dive hard into school and hobbies so you have things to keep your mind occupied.

 

I am truly sorry over the losses you have incurred. Not sure if you are of faith but I will tell you that through every difficulty, God has good plans for you. Keep your chin up and know that we're supporting you.

[LondonS]

I buried my husband last May. I am just starting to put a baby toe into the dating pool again. Personally, if I lost my CHILD, I don't think oxygen could ever get into my lungs again.

 

I realize you had bit of an estranged relationship, but Kristine, your son died one month ago, from SUICIDE, no less, and you are worrying about a 2nd date ?!?!

 

 

I am really not trying to be hurtful, but either you are in a lot of denial, or you really might be a heartless person..I've mourned dogs longer than that.

this is exactly what my thoughts are. How could someone be worrying about dates who has lost a 14 years old child.. 14 years worth of investment..emotions, feelings.

Please give yourself time to grieve this loss and take a break. No man will fill the void. People date because they are not happy being alone and they want someone to make them happy. If you date people with all this grievence inside you, you are unlikely to make them happy or yourself. I think you need councilling. This isnt a normal attitude where a mother has gotten over a death of a child and starting dating within two weeks of his death. Sorry I'd rather be blunt.

All the best..

[tigereyes1428]

i am very sorry for your loss - but am stunned at this post. i feel very strongly that your transferring your feelings about your son onto this man - your comforted by him being around at a time when you are sad and alone - this is a very unhealthy foundation for a relationship - you need to be around people who knew you well before the death of your son - you need to throw yourself into working on the relationship you have with your daughter or lasting damage will occur there also.

just because someone brought your flowers does not signify anything about them as a person - any moron can buy flowers????

you sound like you have been badly treated and your desperate for any kindness/attention you can receive from a man - you need to speak to someone about how you feel really - you need to understand the dynamics of the relationship that you had with your father also as this plays a big part in your present life i feel.

please pm me if you need to talk x