dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Can you tell me if I've been silly? My MM thinks so. I posted my story on here a couple weeks ago and really thought it was over then because of the way he had treated me over Christmas but we got back together for a a week or so (wow!) Only I couldn't forget the fact he didn't call me on Christmas day and generally has just been using me, getting me to introduce him to new stuff this past year. He was stuck in a rut and wanted to do new stuff he siad 'I was making hime the person he wanted to be' then he's gone on to take his partner of 22 years to these new places. He's an alocohoic, drug user and bi-polar. Last weekend I was having a bad time and texted him for support and few hours later he texted back saying he was watching football with his mates. When I told him I had needed him to text me something more supportive (he expects it afterall) he said I was 'mad, irrational and out of my head' I tried to make him see I have needs too, all I ever got was 'I get crap at home don't you give me any' he said 'there is no point talking to me'. I suppose I did start a row over nothing from his point of view but I am so angry. Now 3 days later I am still crying and he asn't been in touch. We used to go out every Friday night. I know he'll be out now with his friends, laughing, having fun and I'm home alone. Mortified on top of everything else by the fact that someone considers me mad.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I wouldn't call it "silly" or "irrational", necessarily. But it does not seem as if he can or wants to give you want you want and need when you want and need it. So, IMO, it would be unreasonable and unrealistic to expect that of him. In general, it would seem best to not have any such expectations of an MM (or MW, for that matter) -- certainly they would not be as available as a non-married person and, more often than not, their schedule of availability is not going to match up their affair partner's schedule of needs and wants. For you, it may be "only" a supportive text that you needed but, for him, he was doing something at the time that was more important to him. Maybe it's more of a 'bigger picture' question -- is this really the type of person you want to be emotionally invested in, at all (whether married or single, I mean)?
reboot Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Based on everything you said, why exactly are you with this man? What exactly are you getting out of it?
Author dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I suppose his alcoholism etc don't exactly make him attractive! The thing is he did used to text and call and when things he's down (which is pretty frquent due to him bein bi-polar) he expects me to be all supportive and I don't much like being less imprtant than football and drugs and drink. I think I am am totally irrelevant to him, he just wants the positive stuff.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I think I am am totally irrelevant to him, he just wants the positive stuff. Yes -- that's exactly the way you described it! Basically that he wants you for what, how and when you can meet his needs...but that's about it as far as he is concerned. He sounds very self-centred / narcissistic, to be honest. The booze and drugs and bi-polar are not excuses for him mistreating you, or for you letting him mistreat you.
Author dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 You are right. My instincts tell me it but something else stupid inside me wants him, yet I really don't even like him. I hate that someone like that is choosing not to be in touch, is in control and thinks I am mad, I wasn't before anyway!
skywriter Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Hi dannie19, I believe as "others" involved with already committed people we have to accept certain dynamics for what they are, until we can longer accept them. These being, (and in your case), this man comes with issues. The issues include a certain level of self absorbed triats, that have nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with him. Also, he realizes that he''s neglecting you emotionally and does so because he can. It's working for him. They all do, so don't feel you're exclusive in this. I say, make a pact with yourself, to not continue throughout this new yr., in this pattern with this man. Try to wean yourself off of this habit of him, however works best for you. He doesn't even have to know that you're doing this, until the day arrives that you can say, "I'm over it!" ...and how empowering it will be!
pureinheart Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Can you tell me if I've been silly? My MM thinks so. I posted my story on here a couple weeks ago and really thought it was over then because of the way he had treated me over Christmas but we got back together for a a week or so (wow!) Only I couldn't forget the fact he didn't call me on Christmas day and generally has just been using me, getting me to introduce him to new stuff this past year. He was stuck in a rut and wanted to do new stuff he siad 'I was making hime the person he wanted to be' then he's gone on to take his partner of 22 years to these new places. He's an alocohoic, drug user and bi-polar. Last weekend I was having a bad time and texted him for support and few hours later he texted back saying he was watching football with his mates. When I told him I had needed him to text me something more supportive (he expects it afterall) he said I was 'mad, irrational and out of my head' I tried to make him see I have needs too, all I ever got was 'I get crap at home don't you give me any' he said 'there is no point talking to me'. I suppose I did start a row over nothing from his point of view but I am so angry. Now 3 days later I am still crying and he asn't been in touch. We used to go out every Friday night. I know he'll be out now with his friends, laughing, having fun and I'm home alone. Mortified on top of everything else by the fact that someone considers me mad. First, when you called him and needed support, some people, with issues or not just do not handle other peoples problems well....this is just a people thing....some are right there, and some are indifferent and distant. If you feel he has been using you...then g/f you need to roll and fast....also we think the other persons life is such a bed of roses, such as you stating that he was having fun with his friends/partying, you know....well let me tell you....he's not having fun, that is just something that attacks our minds to cause us to want them even more because they are having a good time and we are not.....also it can throw us into doing some self destructive things like going out when we are vulnerable and possibly making more bad choices. Stay at home where you are safe until you are not vulnerable....been there done that!
doushenka Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 He's an alocohoic, drug user and bi-polar. And he has the nerve to sling sh*t at you? Please, love, you deserve far better than someone like him. At the very least, go find a married man who only drinks socially and doesn't use drugs at all.
Author dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I know I've been such a mug and for over a year. I feel sooooo low now, that someone like that could reject me, it really really hurts and makes me feel so undesirable.
Fallen Angel Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 And he has the nerve to sling sh*t at you? Please, love, you deserve far better than someone like him. At the very least, go find a married man who only drinks socially and doesn't use drugs at all. Sorry if my sense of humour seems a bit twisted, but when I read this I spit coffee all over my keyboard! Now to dannie, I would say though that it seems as though you really are not getting anything from your MM. I know if My MM were to get a call or text from me, especially one where i said that I was feeling badly, he would contact me right away. He always does. I know that if he responded to me like that, I would flip straight the-hell-out! But, I seriously doubt My MM would ever treat me like that... he treats me much more like a china doll.. very gently and lovingly. You need to find someone who will show you much more respect and concern than this man appears to be showing you. I am curious what it is about him that attracts you, if that is how he treats you...
skywriter Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 dannie19, I'm assuming that you are desirable and likely a very compassionate person. ...and this is why people(as him) gravitate towards you. It feels good to be needed, until you need him back. Then it feels like your soul is being sucked out of you. I know, stating the obvious isn't necessary, but that ain't cool. The question is, for you, myself and other, others. When do we say enough is enough, and reclaim ourselves as "worthy of all we desire"? Every new day that passes us by means our answer is "not yet"?
Fallen Angel Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I know I've been such a mug and for over a year. I feel sooooo low now, that someone like that could reject me, it really really hurts and makes me feel so undesirable. It has nothing to do with you being less than deserving. It has to do with him being "less than" as a man.
Ronni_W Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Dannie, I'm not really seeing it as him rejecting you. He does not know how to treat you properly and how you deserve to be treated. It seems that he DOES want you...but only on his terms. The problem is on HIS side, and it's with his addictions, his bipolar condition and his behaviours...but that does not translate into him rejecting you as a person, or you not being a desirable partner! Now...you could reject his treatment of you, if you wanted to; you could say, "No thank you" to any more of his crap. But that's still not him rejecting you.
Author dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Well, he was very flattering and attentive at first! But I knew about the drugs etc even then so heaven knows, he's not even handsome, his teeth are like pegs from years of 60 a day and the drink. Oh God, I really am a mad mug aren't I?! Why the hell am I hurting so much over him, make me see sense!
skywriter Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 dannie, ((big hugs)) You aren't mad darling. You saw something in this guy obviously. He knows the compassionate person you are and so....you have it. Don't stop being the loving person you are. Just see him for who he is. ....and I think you are and it's very disappointing...understandabley so.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Let's see. (Sorry to be redundant) he is MARRIED, a CHEATER, DRUG USER, BIPOLAR, and you're expecting him to behave like a normal person? These things aren't going away. They are HIS problems. They are BIG problems. They are problems that will prevent him from ever having a mutually loving and intimate relationship with anyone! Yet YOU are crying because this person with a mountain of problems is making you feel unlovable, undesirable, unworthy? That's a personal choice, YOU are choosing to let this affect you, because it isn't changing. This could be likened to you having these feelings because he was of a different race. These things can't be changed. YOU are crying because you are unable to accept the reality of who he is, because it doesn't jive with what you imagined/ hoped for. No one can help you until you accept that he can never be the man you want him to be. You'll have to find that man in another person.
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 You need to sit down and write out a list..All the things you love about him, what he does for you, how he makes you feel and why - all positive.. THEN do a list of all the negative stuff. My guess is your list of negative stuff will outweigh the good stuff. Really try to understand WHY you want a guy who's 1)is married2)has a drinking problem, 3)into drungs and 4)is bi polar. Let's say he does leave his wife..You want a man like this?? He's totally broken and sure maybe the fun and fantasy, is what you want, but imagine this guy being YOUR husband. How reliable could he be? Let alone, you know he's capable of lying, cheating and betraying. He's NO prize. Think about detaching bit by bit, cutting him OUT of your daily life. Rely on him less, rely on YOU and your friends, family more. Don't rely on him for your own happiness. If you can do these things, then you're half way there to end it and begin your healing process..
skywriter Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I think that he has a girlfriend, and dannie said he told her he considers this girlfriend to be his flatmate. Also dannie has a boyfriend, as well.
Author dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Yes, he does claim she is just a flatmate but I think she satisfies a lot of his needs as she also uses drugs, drinks etc. They have been together 22 years and suppose they must be codependent, which I think I am starting to be. It doesn't really matter what he says about her though because you are all right there is no way I should be involved with him, he seldom makes me feel good anymore and I just I hope I can find the strength from your objective advice to keep well away and rely on myself a bit more to find some happiness. I am going to make that positive negative list, thank you.
Author dannie19 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 PS: I really, really appreciate so very much your advice. I know I seem to come across as a complete fool but I'll try and work on that too! Thank you so much and I hope when I've come through this and got some dignity and confidence back I can offer some helpful advice myself. This really is a cracking website.
Always A Lesson Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Hi, (Am I irrational) No, not all.... Your guy doesn't seem very worthy of you, but it's hard to see it for yourself because your "caught up". Perhaps it was his attentiveness or personality in the beginning that caught your attention. But now you see the R for what it really is, sometimes we spend lots of time with people that aren't worthy us, they grow on us. Its the companionship that we desire, and we become confused over time. This guy sounds like a real "winner". Good luck in breaking free, I don't think that you love him soooo much, I think that you're just very used to him, have accepted his ways and its become confusing. It's gonna be hard breaking away, he's like an addiction. Being with a guy like this with his many issues, cheater, bi-poplar, etc. only sets you back, and tears down your confidence and esteem , little by little. Do yourself a favor and abandon ship, One day, you'll back and say. OMG, I must have been insane dealing with a LOSER like this! Someone of value will find you , but you have to value yourself first. This pegged teeth guy is draining the VALUE out of you, for his own good! He really doesn't give a crap about you, he likes having 2 women who want him and he knows he's crap! You boost his EGO!!!!!!
Chingaling Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 PS: I really, really appreciate so very much your advice. I know I seem to come across as a complete fool but I'll try and work on that too! Thank you so much and I hope when I've come through this and got some dignity and confidence back I can offer some helpful advice myself. This really is a cracking website. Okay girl you are on the RIGHT TRACK! Now is the time to pamper yourself and take care of YOU! Never mind him - just get it together, look smashing and happy and get out there and live life. Do not let him drag you down. Do it now - don't wait - life it too short! Sometimes we gals get intrigued with the "bad boys" but the truth is they are seldom good boyfriend, husband or MM material! You can do this! Keep reading here and other places on the internet too, and don't contact him any more no matter what! These weasels have a way of sensing when you are vulnerable and undermining your confidence until you think that you can't "do any better".
Author dannie19 Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 You are soooo right I don't love him, I am just used to him and his company. Thank you everyone who has replied, I'm going to print these pages and carry them round to help keep me on the right track and remind me I am not alone. Deep breath, time to get on with it....
White Flower Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Can you tell me if I've been silly? My MM thinks so. I posted my story on here a couple weeks ago and really thought it was over then because of the way he had treated me over Christmas but we got back together for a a week or so (wow!) Only I couldn't forget the fact he didn't call me on Christmas day and generally has just been using me, getting me to introduce him to new stuff this past year. He was stuck in a rut and wanted to do new stuff he siad 'I was making hime the person he wanted to be' then he's gone on to take his partner of 22 years to these new places. He's an alocohoic, drug user and bi-polar. Last weekend I was having a bad time and texted him for support and few hours later he texted back saying he was watching football with his mates. When I told him I had needed him to text me something more supportive (he expects it afterall) he said I was 'mad, irrational and out of my head' I tried to make him see I have needs too, all I ever got was 'I get crap at home don't you give me any' he said 'there is no point talking to me'. I suppose I did start a row over nothing from his point of view but I am so angry. Now 3 days later I am still crying and he asn't been in touch. We used to go out every Friday night. I know he'll be out now with his friends, laughing, having fun and I'm home alone. Mortified on top of everything else by the fact that someone considers me mad. No, you are not silly. You didn't get into this for s*** and giggles, you got into it for fun and yes, a little support now and again. Problem is, this guy just can't give it to you. Find someone who will really care for you as you deserve. You can't fix this guy, it's just too much work.
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