Butilovehim Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Ok so my last post was massive so I will keep this short. I'm 29 and have been in a 14 yr relationship. Have seperated 4 yrs ago for 3 months. His choice and he came back to me. Have had an arguement and he has spent the last few nights out till late and I'm in bed already. Talks to me tonight and says he needs space to think. I love him to pieces and wish he could just talk rather than walk away. Your thoughts would be great.
doushenka Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 ...wait, so you've been with him since you were fifteen? How old is he? Maybe he needs space to figure out who he is as a nearly-thirtysomething.
Author Butilovehim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Yes I was 15. He is 31 I'm now 29. I feel like he is doing this to punish me. I feel I do so much for him and his family and he doesn't do anything in return. I just get the feeling he doesn't care how I feel or when I'm upset.
skydiveaddict Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Talks to me tonight and says he needs space to think. I love him to pieces and wish he could just talk rather than walk away. Your thoughts would be great. It makes me sick when people say they "need space". It's just a chicken sh.t way of saying he wants out of the relationship, but he doesnt have the guts to tell you straight up. you're better off without him
murphomatic Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 (edited) Yes I was 15. He is 31 I'm now 29. I feel like he is doing this to punish me. I feel I do so much for him and his family and he doesn't do anything in return. I just get the feeling he doesn't care how I feel or when I'm upset. I read your other post as well.. and I apologize in advance for this lengthy diatribe..for some reason I suffer diarrhea of the fingers whenever a keyboard is present. Here are a couple of pros, one of which is also a con, about your situation, and some perspective on things. Pros 1. You've been together a long time, so you have some serious history and know each other well. 2. You've been together since you were young, so the people you've grown into over the last 14 years are fairly interwoven with each other. Your worldviews and perspectives have likely developed together.. all the battles and struggles that life puts us through as individual humans, you've crested together. Cons 1. You've been together since you were young. I know this is also a pro, and while #2 above describes a very valuable situation, it leaves something out for fighting those same battles on your own and learning to mitigate risk and endure consequences as an individual. So the thought of facing the world alone is daunting...and who knows - somewhere along the way in those 14 years, you may have hit defining points where your paths as individuals would've naturally parted ways, but the fear of "going it alone" was enough to overcome those moments for both of you. As you get older (especially come into your 30s), you start to realize you're hardening into the person that will likely define you for the rest of your life. I've known many people who just went nuts as they got older specifically for the reason that they feel they "missed out" on a good portion of their life due to their long-lasting highschool love, etc, and never really got the chance to become a "complete" person on their own. The crappy part about this is that as you grow older, your relationships with people become deeper, and these relationships dote on stability...and that stability will vanish instantly if he feels this way - and up and decides one day that he needs to go "find himself". One other general perspective I wanted to touch on as it was a recent realization to me, and I hope that maybe you can take advantage of what I discovered. You mention above that you make sacrifices and do nice things for him and his family, but don't see him do anything in return that's meaningful to you. This is how I am, and how I have seen so many of my relationships go down. I like to think that I make an honest effort to be a truly nice guy, to be polite and giving, mindful of the needs of my partner, and do whatever is in my power to make their life easier. I do nice things for people all the time, and often feel that my reward is a good kick in the teeth...I've been this way up until recently, and it's taken me nearly 35 years to figure out the fallacy in my thinking. I often do nice things because - 1. I'm a good guy, and 2. I hope that my show of affection and service will foster growth in my relationship with this person. I've come to find #2 is BS. You simply cannot do things for people in hopes of "buying" their acceptance/love/gratitude, and even though the expectation of reward for your actions may be not only justified, but DESERVED, doing this throughout your life will eventually lead you to be somewhat of a jaded and guarded person, who holds their affection and trust hostage to an assumed return-on-investment. Why? Because nobody sees the world from your same perspective. We all have our own "filters" on life, and each one of us assigns slightly different values to different things. The result is that the vast majority of the time - the target of your affections will not assign your same (or greater) value to those affections, and it will leave you constantly disappointed in people. This aire of disappointment can wreck the altruistic side of yourself, and make you more reserved in being an outwardly nice person because you know people won't appreciate it. In worse scenarios, this kind of thing often leads the nice person in the relationship to clean up the mess caused by their partner's bad behavior - which creates an enabling environment that communicates to the partner that they can continue their crap, and do it in comfort So - my point is ... give him the space he's asking for. If he's been avoiding you the last few days, he obviously is having some trouble coming to terms with things. I don't think he's doing this to punish you, I think he's doing it because he feels ill-prepared in facing up to the issue immediately and needs time to process...so he withdraws. Based on how badly you truly want this relationship to last, find some way to communicate to him that the argument you guys had doesn't matter to you..that you're just sorry the disagreement got out of hand, and that you'll selflessly honor whatever his current needs are .. so if that's space - let him have it....and do it with the full acceptance that he may come to conclude he doesn't want to continue the relationship. Just because you give him space, don't anticipate his return. More importantly - give yourself space at the same time, and do an honest analysis of your goals in life, what you're doing to achieve them, and what your next steps are - with or without him. Think about how his recent behavior effects you, and the value he places on things...such as his seeming inability to cede your point in an argument, or even acknowledge that "I cook, you clean" is a fair agreement. It's perfectly within his rights to disagree with that concept, or be a massive dick of a contrarian in any given argument...it doesn't make him a bad or evil person. But it does show that his values and principals differ from your own, and you need to decide if you're ok having a life with someone who doesn't share these same pricipals, or if you'd rather strike out on your own and find someone who does. I fully understand that I really know nothing about your situation other than a few words on a screen that you've typed here. I'm likely completely talking out of my ass - and do often. Mostly I empathize with your hurt, and wish you didn't have to feel it. But then again, if we never felt anything, we'd never really learn anything. Good luck with everything - no matter how it turn out or what happens, things will be alright. Edited January 15, 2010 by murphomatic
Author Butilovehim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Well thank very much for your reply! I think your right and im going to give him his space but also take the time and space myself. The only thing I can say at the moment is that time will tell. Thanks again it's really thoughtful of you to take the time to reply.
adamt Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Yes I was 15. He is 31 I'm now 29. I feel like he is doing this to punish me. I feel I do so much for him and his family and he doesn't do anything in return. I just get the feeling he doesn't care how I feel or when I'm upset. wow! being together for so long is pretty amazing in this day and age. I think some people get into their 30 and start to change. if you have been in a relationship for so long then you can want to get out there and have fun. or it can make people settle down if they spent their 20s going out. peope get into their 30 and get divorced then can reconnect with old friends again. DOnt blame yourself if someone has changed. you are still quite young so after some time out to rebuild yourself you can go out and have some fun and do things you hadnt done before
Author Butilovehim Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 I understand what everyone is saying. When we split he was finding himself and partying and doing all the things he didn't do when he was younger. I'm just really considering leaving.... And I'm sad about that... I love him so much but think that a relationship shouldn't be this hard. I just want to be happy and as uncomplicated as possible.
oneheart Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 ... before I say anything I just want to give you a hug.... I'm sorry things are not working out for you. I am in a different situation to you but when I was reading your post I wondered if there is any tiny spark of hope knowing you will actually be be okay if things didn't work out... what I mean is... do you have dreams of what you would like to do but haven't been able to? Maybe you should write a list. I know it's a really hard thing to think about, but it is almost an insurance policy for yourself and even if you get back together - maybe you can STILL do the things in life you have always wanted to do. Maybe this is an opportunity for you show yourself (and maybe even him) just how strong, brave and great you can be. xx
Author Butilovehim Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 I have no doubt I will be ok. I just love him so much and know that web things are good they are great but when it's bad it's horrible. Not that we fight often. It's bizarre this morning he is now acting as though everything is 100%. I thought I would leave it be for the morning. We went out fr breakfast, took a walk down the pier, washed my car and didn't talk bout it at all. ** confused ** what is with that??? Do I try and talk about it??
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