confusticated Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 (edited) Why wont he marry me? We have 3 kids and a house together. He told me 4 years ago when we decided to pursue a committed relationship that he wanted to marry me "someday". Then someday changed to "when we have our own place" then "when we have a house", and then, "when we can afford wedding bands" and then "when its nice out, like memorial day" now......he comes out with "I just dont see the benefit". So...the question is did he once want to marry me but now something has changed? and if so what is that something? OR, Did he just string me along and WHY? And I asked him this but his response was "Im not sure" I told him I think I deserve to know where we stand, and he responded "well I dont even know" If I knew years ago that he did not want to get married i would have made some very very very different choices. And wth am I supposed to do or say now?! I dont want to have to "convince" someone to marry me! Edited January 15, 2010 by confusticated
alphamale Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 to him there is no benefit to marriage, he's already got what he wants
Author confusticated Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 So Im stuck? I just have to live with it, or get out and start over? With 3 kids?
Pleco Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Your choices are: 1) Convince him to marry you (which you said you didn't want to do) 2) Live with it 3) Get out I was no fan of marriage until my current partner convinced me of it. There are awesome tax cuts, you look more stable to potential employers and peers, plus what you build/do together is protected if something happens to the other, and you get the choice to make your partner's medical decisions if they are unable. Just throwin all that out there should you choose route #1.
doushenka Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 We have 3 kids and a house together. Well, there's your problem. I'm not, generally speaking, a traditionalist, but when you're living as if you're married, why is the actual ceremony that important? Also, now you do have less money to blow on wedding stuff, because you have four rather large responsibilities. I wouldn't see the benefit, either. Maybe someday, when you two are older, or you start running into legal issues, he'll agree to stand up with you in front of a justice of the peace, but for now, it looks like a wedding has slipped to the back burner.
Author confusticated Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Your choices are: 1) Convince him to marry you (which you said you didn't want to do) 2) Live with it 3) Get out I was no fan of marriage until my current partner convinced me of it. There are awesome tax cuts, you look more stable to potential employers and peers, plus what you build/do together is protected if something happens to the other, and you get the choice to make your partner's medical decisions if they are unable. Just throwin all that out there should you choose route #1. Ive already talked to him about all that. Its especially "close to home" bc my brother was in an accident and my mom got to make all his decisions. DP knows that if anything ever happened to him or me it be our parents who are responsible and "next of kin" not each other. He had said he wanted to get married. He was looking at wedding bands. Unprompted, totally on his own. He was talking about it, daydreaming/wedding planning with me last week. I dont get it. I dont understand what's changed. To the other poster : We dont even want a big wedding. We were planning to get married with a JP and just our kids in attendance then he wanted to throw a big party after. Its not about money. It cost us less than 100 bucks for the marriage license and the jp. A couple hundred for a keg and food for a party. we haave a giant backyard etc. I dont get it. Wait, I said that aready. He says he just doenst see how it could change things for the better. Why wouldnt it? Im so insecure now, after our conversation last night. I feel like he strung me along and now that Im "stuck" with him, 3 kids and a house later he gets to say he doenst want to marry me. I feel betrayed.
O'Malley Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 He told me 4 years ago when we decided to pursue a committed relationship that he wanted to marry me "someday". Then someday changed to "when we have our own place" then "when we have a house", and then, "when we can afford wedding bands" and then "when its nice out, like memorial day" now......he comes out with "I just dont see the benefit". I'm not a marrying person, but there's nothing wrong with your desire for the legal benefits/protection of marriage. Unfortunately you can not have this with your boyfriend; he is keeping you from getting married, not financial circumstances. Is any other aspect of your relationship not satisfying to you? At this point, it doesn't matter if he legitimately changed his mind about marriage or deliberately misled you -- whenever he runs out of excuses he will come up with more. And you're going to either have to accept the status quo or end the relationship. I do hope your name is on the mortgage and that you and your children are his legal beneficiaries.
Author confusticated Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Update: When he got home from work today we "had it out". I told him how insecure in our relationship it makes me that he suddenly doesn't see the benefit etc, I feel like he strung me along all this time, Why buy the cow,etc, how come Im good enough to have his babies, cook his food, wash his dirty undies but not good enough to marry and he fought back defensively for a while but then said its because he's scared, hes afraid, worried I'll screw him over somehow. That he wants me, he wants only me, he doesn't ever want to look for or get to know another woman, hed rather be alone for the rest of his life and....he cried. Turns out he's been listening to my brother vent about my SIL leaving him, their messy shamefull situation etc. I didnt realize they worked together all week. (They work for same company but havent worked together for over a year. Its actually pretty unusual) wow. I feel like an ass.
sadintexas Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 You really shouldn't feel like an azz. You tried to talk to him about this before and he was evasive. He could have been more up front with you about it so it didn't get blown out of proportion like this.
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