Zeegagge Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 My friend told me I was lucky because I could learn some things from all of this. She told me to keep a journal, so I wrote down some things I've learned. Have a similar list? If not, here's your chance... It’s ok to write things down and use them, keep it hidden Do a weekly list if need be When she complains about stuff, listen, add to list Sex is important, good sex Love is worth fighting for, no matter what A good relationship requires work Listen to her actions not her words Mixed signals = bad signals Every girl is different
USMCHokie Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 My friend told me I was lucky because I could learn some things from all of this. She told me to keep a journal, so I wrote down some things I've learned. Have a similar list? If not, here's your chance... It’s ok to write things down and use them, keep it hidden Do a weekly list if need be When she complains about stuff, listen, add to list Sex is important, good sex Love is worth fighting for, no matter what A good relationship requires work Listen to her actions not her words Mixed signals = bad signals Every girl is different ^ That. If both parties don't understand this, then the relationship will be doomed...
Author Zeegagge Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 Lame, if ya'll didn't learn anything then you're doing this all for nothing.
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Everyone is different. And relationships will always require work no matter what, good or bad. Generally there should be no second thoughts or doubts/questions about your partner, if there is then that is no good. The way I think about it is, everyone knows relationships require compromise and communication, but not everyone is open to discuss problems..they tend to go to others for help or just keep it in. When problems come up, one person wants to work it out and the other just becomes selfish and wants to figure stuff out by themselves. That is when they loose the idea that love is worth fighting for, it just gets blinded out. I agree about keeping a list about things she complains about..as guys we all forget the smallest things. I was amazed about how much my ex remembered every bit of detail about me or something I had said weeks ago..when I can barely remember what I ate 3 days ago.
gaudi Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I know about writing down stuff by way of getting some of your negative energy out, and it helps greaatly with coping with breakups, and possibly other stressful times in your life. But from what I can gather here is that idea of this is to write stuff down and keep this type of journal "during" a relationship ?? Is this what you mean ?? I'm not sure I understand. Isn't it better talking things out rather than writing something down to refer to at a later date ??
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Well part of that refers to writing it down so you notice things when problems occur. Of course you should be talking about it with the other person..but sometimes if the other is stubborn and doesn't seem to want to discuss the situation, there is nothing you can do. I take from it that you should right things down about your partner that helps you remember important things, things you have argued about in the past, things that may cause a problem. That way, you kind of know what to expect in a way. Then you can talk to them about it, a few days later after noticing.
gaudi Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Yeah I mean it does make sense, but I wanted to make sure I was on the right track. I suppose it's a good idea even if it only helps me remember her birthday next time.
XKatieX Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Yeah some people just don't like confrontation, one wants to talk it out..the other wants to cool off and have alone time. While this isn't necessarily the wrong way to work things out ,it can be a good way to control your emotions. You should also make sure that when both parties aren't feeling negatively anymore you should solve the issue asap instead of just letting it go. Many issues go unsolved and so they just keep coming up in the future.
gaudi Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 OK what about the other stuff on Zeegagge's thread-starter. Love is worth fighting for, no matter what. Does this go against the whole concept of NC. Being that when we lose someone we love, we have to accept that they have gone, not fight for it, just let them go. Or do we construe that if we're in a period of NC, and one of us has been dumped, then it is obviously only one person that feels this way, and therefore in this case is not love ???
Author Zeegagge Posted January 16, 2010 Author Posted January 16, 2010 But from what I can gather here is that idea of this is to write stuff down and keep this type of journal "during" a relationship ?? Is this what you mean ?? I'm not sure I understand. Isn't it better talking things out rather than writing something down to refer to at a later date ?? Talking things out is definitely good, and it's part of what I'm saying. My girl and I used to talk things out all the time. Things would be good for a while afterwards, but then I would forget some of what was said or I wouldn't do some things and we would be right back to where we started. For example she would say sometimes that I needed to be more thoughtful or I needed to express my feelings better. I feel if I had written all these things down and checked my list every so often that I could have kept up with it and thus kept the relationship alive.
XKatieX Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I think it can be widely interpretated. Love is not something that can be defined as one, but many. I think that in the case that the love is mutual between the two people and they both want it, then it is worth fighting for. When its more one-sided the other wants to fight for it but the other doesn't, its more of a question..what is it that I'm fighting for? It may be worth it to you, but not the other person..so you have no choice, but to let it die out and not fight for it, and in this case it wasn't meant to be. Hard to accept, but the truth
gaudi Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 When its more one-sided the other wants to fight for it but the other doesn't, its more of a question..what is it that I'm fighting for? It may be worth it to you, but not the other person..so you have no choice, but to let it die out and not fight for it, and in this case it wasn't meant to be. Hard to accept, but the truth Hard to accept it most certainly is. But I accept it. I have to.
HLP234 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I have gotten the "you need to express yourself better." I did that and she would say I am complaining. Its hard to express yourself when one person wants a break and the other is just going with the other's demands. She wanted me to express myself about something..i dunno what. During that difficult time if I talked about how i felt about us, she would say she didn't want to talk about that. I know exactly how to be myself and I've never had a problem before..my ex was just looking for something to pick on so she could justify her need for a "break" when in reality we could have worked it out by talking about "us" two weeks later but no, she decided to run away.
Author Zeegagge Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 ot many guys are great at expressing feelings, and often the ones that are end up coming off as clingy and needy. It's a tricky one to master indeed. What I'm thinking here is don't wait until your relationship is over to learn something from it. You also don't have to wait until it ends to start your journal writing. Combine these two ideas and you can make a list much like my OP before you're on LS crying about everything. Just pick up on her communication and what it is she'd like more or less of from you and then do it. The written part will help you keep it all straight. If you really want keep your relationship alive forever then try this, once you get about oh, say 5 or 6 things on your list of complaints/suggestions then make yourself a weekly schedule, something like this: Monday: Share some feelings with her Tuesday: Do something romantic Wednesday: Ask her questions about her life, her family, her growing up, her feelings, etc. Thursday: Do something unique & thoughtful Friday: Get her a small gift Saturday: Make the plans, take her out Sunday: Relax and enjoy how loved you are Of course don't follow it religiously. If you did you'd end up being too much of a 'nice guy' or a clinger. Just go for 3 or 4 out of the week. Even keep some kind of tally if you need. Add, remove and change as necessary. Also, this only applies to relationships that have been going on for a while. This kind of magic will be backfire if used improperly.
XKatieX Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 Your post reminds me a lot of the movie "Fireproof" Those of you, who haven't watched it..its a really touching movie. Its about a marriage that has fallen apart. His father introduces him to a procedure called "The Love Dare" every day the husband takes steps to getting his relationship back, by doing different things to show he cares each day..by following the procedure. Anyways thought I'd share that with you, if you haven't seen it, I'd really recommend it..BTW you might need tissues.
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