Jump to content

Split-Self Affair (Discussion)


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I see no problem in looking at discrete Affair types. Explanations are not always excuses. And providing one all purpose explanation--selfishness, for example--unduly simpliflies the behavior.

 

As for me, I probably had a hybrid split-self and exit affair. Some years ago, I ended both my 5-year affair and my marriage. Since then, I'm infinitely happier, have wonderful relationships with my 20-something children and solid, supportive relationship with my ex.

 

As for my affair partner who also was married, its been NC for years now and will remain so.

 

Her, I miss not at all.

 

And I hope the feeling is mutual.

Posted

I could not cheat on my wife. Am I lonely? Yes I am. Do I look at other women and wonder? Yes I do. I'm a very faithful husband. I would like to think that I would end my marriage before I cheated. That's just how I roll.

Posted

As long as we think in terms of wrong and right, we are not allowed to interpret why we do things.

 

What if you yourself kept repeating a bad behavior such as kleptomania or lying to your mother to avoid having lunch with her. You love her, want to spend time with her but find yourself avoiding her. You'd want to understand what holds you away when for no other reasons you find yourself staying away from her.

 

You can't change bad behavior into good behavior without understanding your underlying triggers. It is simple psychology really.

Posted
What we don't say often speaks as loudly, or even more loudly, than what we do say.

 

You don't mention anything at all about the feelings or attitudes of anyone else--your children, your ex, your former affair partner.

 

Just how you feel.

 

I suppose it's possible that no scars were left on any of these folks as a result of your behavior. But highly unlikely.

Grogster has many posts on how his family was affected. Fortunately, he his family including his ex-W are healed and on very good terms. That is what spoke loudly to me.

 

Again, we have so many people judging just from one post.

Posted
Grogster has many posts on how his family was affected. Fortunately, he his family including his ex-W are healed and on very good terms. That is what spoke loudly to me.

 

Again, we have so many people judging just from one post.

 

 

People do not want to hear that sometimes good things can happen to bad people.

 

They find the inverted moral order quite threatening.

 

However, I am interested in this taxonomy of affairs.

 

Anything that increases understanding is a plus--especially with these hot button issues where some are quicker to condemn than comprehend.

Posted
People do not want to hear that sometimes good things can happen to bad people.

 

They find the inverted moral order quite threatening.

 

However, I am interested in this taxonomy of affairs.

 

Anything that increases understanding is a plus--especially with these hot button issues where some are quicker to condemn than comprehend.

Perhaps if they understood definitions such as taxonomy they could follow deep discussions such as this.

Posted

Perhaps if they did what most sensible people do - and look it up - it would help increase their vocabulary - and teach them something about themselves....

 

1. The classification of organisms in an ordered system that indicates natural relationships.

2. The science, laws, or principles of classification; systematics.

3. Division into ordered groups or categories.

 

PS:Yes, I had to look it up.

But now?

I know.

Posted

Split-Self Affairs are usually had by men. They're often the product of a dysfunctional childhood where they were neglected, felt pressured to perform to get attention and learned to tune out their emotional self. What this creates is a deep well of unmet needs that lies dormant until a close friendship taps into it. (For whatever reason the relationship with the wife does not tap into this emotional vitality and is drawn pretty much exclusively from the other side of the split - duty and responsibility.

 

The split created by the affair is really a replay of the split between doing the right thing and nuturing their emotional side from childhood. Externally it looks like a conflict of choosing the "right" woman, but it's really an internal conflict between logic/duty/responsibility and emotions. It's really hard for these MM because as a child, choosing the "right thing" was a matter of survival.

 

The key is to find balance between logic and emotions, and this requires the MM to resolve his tremendous guilt. The whole process is said to make a "minimum of two years" in IC according to Emily Brown.

 

Other things - the Split Self MM generally have few if any friends outside the OW. Their sense of duty never allowed them to nuture such relationships. They often flip-flop several times, moving in and out of the W and OW's homes. Interestingly, the spouses of Split Self WS are usually Split Selves themselves (having a disconnect between doing the right thing and their emotional side), and they both need to heal their internal split. If one of them doesn't do the work, the prognosis for the marriage isn't good. Split Self MM lie to "protect" the women, but are deeply troubled by that. They're perfectionistic and tend toward codependence.

  • Author
Posted
If you want to know more and have $30 lying around, Emily Brown published an informative article on split-self affairs in the journal of couple and relationship therapy. http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a903325627

 

Abstract

 

The Split Self Affair is a long-term serious relationship. The split being played out in the affair reflects an internal split between doing things “right” and the emotional self. Treatment for those involved centers on understanding the origins of the internal split and on reclaiming the neglected emotional self. Long term individual therapy is the treatment of choice, augmented by other modalities.

 

Thanks for the info.

 

As far as I can see though, it still sounds like a run-of-the-mill affair with all the same reasons usually given. Would that mean that all of the affairs on LS just about are split self?

 

I don't buy it. More psycho-babble to me. Just a new way of not owning one's actions.

  • Author
Posted
By categorising an affair, it is almost as if you are saying some affairs are not as bad as others or that some are more excusable than others. Affairs destroy relationships and hurt all involved - regardless of "type"

 

I mostly agree with this. Its like dealing with a narcissist. Their behavior hurts you and when they get a diagnosis, they do nothing to change figuring you already know what's wrong with them. As if that made it better.

  • Author
Posted
As long as we think in terms of wrong and right, we are not allowed to interpret why we do things.

 

What if you yourself kept repeating a bad behavior such as kleptomania or lying to your mother to avoid having lunch with her. You love her, want to spend time with her but find yourself avoiding her. You'd want to understand what holds you away when for no other reasons you find yourself staying away from her.

 

You can't change bad behavior into good behavior without understanding your underlying triggers. It is simple psychology really.

 

I agree with your conclusion, but not with how you started this out.

 

If you want to change a bad behavior into a good one, you have to FIRST acknowledge that it IS bad. You must know the difference between right and wrong to want to do right. It doesn't happen in a vacuum.

 

Understanding triggers can be done within the framework of right and wrong bahavior.

  • Author
Posted
Split-Self Affairs are usually had by men. They're often the product of a dysfunctional childhood where they were neglected, felt pressured to perform to get attention and learned to tune out their emotional self. What this creates is a deep well of unmet needs that lies dormant until a close friendship taps into it. (For whatever reason the relationship with the wife does not tap into this emotional vitality and is drawn pretty much exclusively from the other side of the split - duty and responsibility.

 

The split created by the affair is really a replay of the split between doing the right thing and nuturing their emotional side from childhood. Externally it looks like a conflict of choosing the "right" woman, but it's really an internal conflict between logic/duty/responsibility and emotions. It's really hard for these MM because as a child, choosing the "right thing" was a matter of survival.

 

The key is to find balance between logic and emotions, and this requires the MM to resolve his tremendous guilt. The whole process is said to make a "minimum of two years" in IC according to Emily Brown.

 

Other things - the Split Self MM generally have few if any friends outside the OW. Their sense of duty never allowed them to nuture such relationships. They often flip-flop several times, moving in and out of the W and OW's homes. Interestingly, the spouses of Split Self WS are usually Split Selves themselves (having a disconnect between doing the right thing and their emotional side), and they both need to heal their internal split. If one of them doesn't do the work, the prognosis for the marriage isn't good. Split Self MM lie to "protect" the women, but are deeply troubled by that. They're perfectionistic and tend toward codependence.

 

Finally got to this after starting from the beginning. This is a lot more in-depth than the Abstract.

 

I was already equating the split-self affair with the Madonna/Whore complex, but they don't seem related at all now. But they are both mental and emotional defects within the waywards.

 

This type of affair and its accepted use among some psychologists can also be used to redeem the betrayed because its obviously not their fault if their spouse has childhood issues that caused them "deep seated" mental issues.

 

Very interesting.

 

I wonder if a therapist's office has stats among their patients of the number of marriages so affected that survived vs. dissolved.

Posted
I mostly agree with this. Its like dealing with a narcissist. Their behavior hurts you and when they get a diagnosis' date=' they do nothing to change figuring you already know what's wrong with them. As if that made it better.[/quote']

 

I don't think classifying affairs is a way to excuse anything. Some people can use it that way though I suppose. But there is zero potential for change unless one first understands where the problem arose from. Obviously just knowing why something happened isn't enough if one doesn't go the extra step of implementing the cognitive and behavioral change. But choosing not to figure out why something happened and throw everyone in to the same tired "what you did was just plain WRONG" box really ins't going to solve anything.

Posted

The problem is, different people often have different definitions of what good and bad are.

Posted (edited)

 

This type of affair and its accepted use among some psychologists can also be used to redeem the betrayed because its obviously not their fault if their spouse has childhood issues that caused them "deep seated" mental issues.

 

 

Another part of that article gets a little more in-depth about the idea that the BS also has a split. That split of course is also from unresolved issues in childhood. And that such split made enough room in the marriage for the affair. She has to figure out "how and why she learned the behavior patterns that helped set the stage for the affair".

 

Its suggested that BS's who are still very obsessed with the affair after 6 months (post-day) are really trying to avoid or "make palatable the reality of the affair". "If both spouses do the work of healing their own internal split, there is a chance for the couple to develop an emotionally satisfying marriage."

 

"Split selves who resolve their issues feel much more comfortable with themselves then ever before. They are also able to connect with people in a way that was never possible."

 

Perhaps most interstingly, Brown states that "We are currently raising a generation of SPlit Selves. The pressure on children to perform, to suceed, and to win, combined with restrictions on opportunities to explore what interests them, are important elemenets in creating an internal split between doing things right and the emotional self, between thinking and feeling".

Edited by Brokenlady
Posted
Would that mean that all of the affairs on LS just about are split self?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if that was true for most of the affairs on the OW/OM forum at least.

 

Let's look at the level of emotional involvement (EI) and the duration of the affair for the different affair types:

 

Conflict Avoidance: minimal EI; brief duration

Intimacy Avoidance: minimal EI; brief duration

Sexual Addiction: EI none; brief duration

Split Self: great EI; duration 2 or more years

Exit: some EI; duration 6 months to 2 years

 

It seems likely to me that since most posting OW seem to have quite a degree of emotional involvement, the affairs they are involved in are either Self Split Affairs or Exit Affairs.

 

The BSs on Infidelity might however have experience of any of these affairs in my opinion, which might be one reason we have difficulty understanding each other.

Posted

Who defines what is Right and Wrong?

It's personal perception.

 

For example, to take something unrelated, to illustrate my point without clouding this specific issue:

A woman has an abortion.

The child would have been handicapped.

is she right, or is she wrong?

 

Right and Wrong are more often than not personal opinion, because a person who, superficially, seems to be in the wrong, may in themselves feel justified - and Right - in having done what they chose to do.....

 

From what I have read affairs can be divided into 5 different types:

 

Conflict Avoidance Affair

Intimacy Avoidance Affair

Sexual Addiction Affair

Split Self Affair

Exit Affair

 

Conflict Avoidance Affair: - I take it you mean that the cheater has an affair and mentions nothing of their distress and unhappiness in the marriage, in order to avoid entering into arguments/fights with their spouse?

 

How do we know that they're wrong?

Perhaps the fights get violent, and the BS is actually an evil piece of c-rap who deserves what's coming to them.....

 

Intimacy Avoidance Affair:... maybe again, the BS is a terrible and selfish lover, who has sex with their partner without any consideration for their feelings or enjoyment.

 

Sexual Addiction:

I'm not even going to go there.

Like illiteracy being given the blanket label of 'Dyslexia' as a general excuse for a condition that's all-too-often misunderstood and mis-diagnosed, there are two camps of thought as to whether sexual addiction actually exists.

And I'm talking about qualified counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists here....

I personally believe the incidence of sexual addiction is far, far smaller than actually stated. I think the majority of people said to have a sexual addiction are actually 'suffering' from nothing of the kind. They just can't keep it to themselves. Curiously, the prominent celebrities who have been said to have this condition, have (to my knowledge) all been men.

so, Right and wrong, is yet again, a moot point.....

 

Split-self Affair:

Still have no clue what this is, apart from supposing that a person says they couldn't help themselves, it just happened... it wasn't their fault.

Which I'm afraid I do not agree with one tiny little bit.

This is where the cheater has to be most accountable for their actions - but responsibility lies at the feet of both spouses.... And as such, there is therefore no blame, no right, no wrong.... Just a complete and utter breakdown in effective communication.....

  • Author
Posted
I don't think classifying affairs is a way to excuse anything. Some people can use it that way though I suppose. But there is zero potential for change unless one first understands where the problem arose from. Obviously just knowing why something happened isn't enough if one doesn't go the extra step of implementing the cognitive and behavioral change. But choosing not to figure out why something happened and throw everyone in to the same tired "what you did was just plain WRONG" box really ins't going to solve anything.

 

I don't think classifying affairs is the issue. Its the using the classification as an excuse that should be automatically understood/forgiven that's the issue for most. That's why I gave the example of the narcissist. If you have ever been around one for any significant amount of time (working with one, dating one), you know how they are. They know their quirks can be extremely distressing, but they aren't likely to change them. Then, once they get a diagnosis, some almost get worse for a time because they feel its like having heart disease, not realizing that they still have an obligation to not do the things that were so hurtful in the past.

Posted

My exSO was involved in serial Intimacy Avoidance affairs. The relationship I am in now is a Split Self affair. I would imagine that it would have been much more difficult for me as a BS to forgive the longterm Split Self affair, unless I understood the background factors to why it happened. Information helps understanding and healing.

Posted

"Conflict Avoidance Affair

Affair Conflict Avoiders are nice ?? they're terrified to be anything but nice, for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment or losing control. They don't have a way to stand up to each other when there's a problem, so they can't resolve their difference and the marriage erodes. An 'equal opportunity' affair.

 

 

Intimacy Avoidance Affair

Affair Intimacy Avoiders are frightened of getting too close, so they keep the barriers high between them. Conflict is one barrier, affairs are another. Their emotional connection with each other is through frequent and intense conflict. Often, each spouse becomes involved in an affair. These couples are the mirror opposite of the Conflict Avoiders.

 

 

Sexual Addiction Affair

Sexual Addicts use sex over and over again to numb inner pain and emptiness, much like alcoholics use alcohol. Among married people, men are sexual addicts more often than women.

 

 

Split Self Affair

The Split Selves have tried to do marriage right. Both spouses have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others, and the deprivation has caught up with one of them. The affair is serious, long-term and passionate. The spouse who is having the affair focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split. Most often this is a man's affair, but that may be changing.

 

 

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point. Another 'equal opportunity' affair."

Posted
"Conflict Avoidance Affair

Affair Conflict Avoiders are nice ?? they're terrified to be anything but nice, for fear that conflict will lead to abandonment or losing control. They don't have a way to stand up to each other when there's a problem, so they can't resolve their difference and the marriage erodes. An 'equal opportunity' affair.

People choose to have an affair with someone else, because they want to. It's neither nice, nor nasty. It is what it is. Desire takes over from commitment.

 

 

Intimacy Avoidance Affair

Affair Intimacy Avoiders are frightened of getting too close, so they keep the barriers high between them. Conflict is one barrier, affairs are another. Their emotional connection with each other is through frequent and intense conflict. Often, each spouse becomes involved in an affair. These couples are the mirror opposite of the Conflict Avoiders.

if they're so frightened of getting too close, why have an affair with someone else - they might get too close to? That would increase the problem, not decrease it, wouldn't it?

Intimacy Avoidance actually means Intimacy Re-direction.

They have an affair with someone else, because they choose desire over commitment.

or did I say that already?

 

 

Sexual Addiction Affair

Sexual Addicts use sex over and over again to numb inner pain and emptiness, much like alcoholics use alcohol. Among married people, men are sexual addicts more often than women.

Like I said, Sexual addicition is probably (more often than not) a smoke-screen... see above comment regarding desire/commitment.

 

 

Split Self Affair

The Split Selves have tried to do marriage right. Both spouses have sacrificed their own feelings and needs to take care of others, and the deprivation has caught up with one of them. The affair is serious, long-term and passionate. The spouse who is having the affair focuses on deciding between the marriage and the affair partner and avoids looking at the inner split. Most often this is a man's affair, but that may be changing.

So instead of looking to their commitment, they choose to go elsewhere for the gratification of their desire....

 

I can see a pattern emerging here....:rolleyes:

 

 

 

Exit Affair

Affair Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point. Another 'equal opportunity' affair."

The bottom line, for me, is that this is all a pile of psycho-babble.

The fact is, and the fact remains, that having sex outside of marriage, is a choice.

And people choose to give in to desire, in preference to facing up to their commitment.

you can label it whatever you want. At the end of the day, nobody holds a cheater to ransom. they do what they do, because they chose to.

  • Author
Posted
Another part of that article gets a little more in-depth about the idea that the BS also has a split. That split of course is also from unresolved issues in childhood. And that such split made enough room in the marriage for the affair. She has to figure out "how and why she learned the behavior patterns that helped set the stage for the affair".

 

Its suggested that BS's who are still very obsessed with the affair after 6 months (post-day) are really trying to avoid or "make palatable the reality of the affair". "If both spouses do the work of healing their own internal split, there is a chance for the couple to develop an emotionally satisfying marriage."

 

"Split selves who resolve their issues feel much more comfortable with themselves then ever before. They are also able to connect with people in a way that was never possible."

 

Perhaps most interstingly, Brown states that "We are currently raising a generation of SPlit Selves. The pressure on children to perform, to suceed, and to win, combined with restrictions on opportunities to explore what interests them, are important elemenets in creating an internal split between doing things right and the emotional self, between thinking and feeling".

 

This really hit home. I don't think that my H's EA fit this bill. I definitely think his was Intimacy Avoidance. He lost a parent, we were having children, I was avoiding intimacy with him as well, so it wasn't surprising that he experimented with getting a level of intimacy from elsewhere.

 

But it hit home because this is my reality. I feel like *I* fit the bill of a "split self". Always doing things the "right" way, for everyone else's benefit but my own. I have given up/set aside many of my own wishes and dreams in pursuit of making my family/marriage a safe place for my H and children. I feel like I have given so much, and often gotten less than my initial investment. But...

 

The difference for me, and my difficulty with accepting the concept of a split-self affair, is that I speak out. I don't keep my head down and keep trying to make sure that everyone else is happy at, what I would feel is, my expense. I don't only continue doing the right thing to my detriment, but work towards more equity.

 

I can't imagine that the so-called "split-selfers" intended to split themselves in their marriages, or other relationships. Its just that the nature of the person they are with probably taught them it was best to conceal some of who they were, or some of what they wanted for what they thought at the time was for the greater good of the relationship. Then the unhappiness set in. The restlessness.

 

My point, I feel like I see myself in the description of a person in one, but doubt any affair I would have would be a true "split self". I am guessing I just don't understand the true distinctions that make for this type of affair. It must be more than just "feeling alive again" vs. "doing the right thing".

 

(I am rambling. I hope someone can make sense of what I am saying here. I am losing the plot. :confused:)

Posted

You know I thought this was bull–but I dug deeper and the split-self seems remarkably dead on. In IC and MC there was mention of dissociative disorder–which frankly I think just gave hubby an excuse to remember only what he wanted. This has been a few yrs ago–I do not think our therapist was well versed enough in the dynamics of A or split -self tenancies. I could say we were both victims of–with the contribution of our dysfunctional childhoods. I was quick to judge intially but I am finding this all rather intriguing.

Posted (edited)

But it hit home because this is my reality. I feel like *I* fit the bill of a "split self". Always doing things the "right" way, for everyone else's benefit but my own. I have given up/set aside many of my own wishes and dreams in pursuit of making my family/marriage a safe place for my H and children. I feel like I have given so much, and often gotten less than my initial investment. But...

 

 

See, in my opinion, that's pretty much the definition of an adult. That's what we do when we aren't children any more. We give up some of our desires for the good of the group, whether that group be our marriage, our children, our parents, our job, our country.... whatever. We cannot completely satisfy ourselves and still live in civilized (or any) society.

 

We always have to give up satisfying a "part" of us. All of us. If we don't then we are still small ego-maniacal children. :p.

 

If then one day we say "Just wait a goldurn minute... It's MY turn now!" Well, maybe we can, but maybe we can't. If we truly are "adult" (my opinion, now) then we tell the rest of the group that we need "our turn". If work, we negotiate for different hours, different pay, etc - or if need be we quit. If married - we negotiate, or if necessary we divorce. But we don't unilaterally decide that instead of negotiating we now sneak around so that we can satisfy "our" desires with no input from the rest of the group we are affecting.

 

At heart, it's probably obvious that I agree with Tara - I think it's primarily psycho babble.

Edited by silktricks
Posted (edited)
You know I thought this was bull–but I dug deeper and the split-self seems remarkably dead on. In IC and MC there was mention of dissociative disorder–which frankly I think just gave hubby an excuse to remember only what he wanted.

 

Yes, because he was doing what he wanted. He CHOSE to cheat on you, rather than be mindful of his commitment.

It's not selective memory.

It's selective desire.

And he chose someone else, because working to choose you was exactly that. Too much like hard work.

This has been a few yrs ago–I do not think our therapist was well versed enough in the dynamics of A or split -self tenancies.

Probably because it hadn't been 'invented' yet.

 

I could say we were both victims of–with the contribution of our dysfunctional childhoods.

Dysfunctional childhoods?

Millions of people have them.

My partner had one. My brother had one.

You only become a victim of your memories, if you choose to be.

A 'dysfunctional childhood' can have a bearing, but it can't be the reason.

To say "I can't help it, it's due to the fact that *this happened* to me." is a huge cop-out....

 

That we remember what we went through, is one thing.

That we choose to abdicate our energy to that weakness, is another....

Please, please, don't think I'm making light of this.

I had years of struggle to leave behind a past that I thought controlled my every thought, word and deed.

I learnt - a hard way - that ultimately, I held the joystick.

Your husband may have had a dysfunctional childhood, but if he sought to use that as a fundamental reason for his cheating - in my view, this was the true cop-out. This is the ultimate "It wasn't my fault - *something* made me do it!"

I was quick to judge intially but I am finding this all rather intriguing.

I may get slammed for this - and I'm sorry, truly, I'm not trying to criticise or condemn or judge anyone, in any way - but this is also a symptom, if you like, of the dual-self you're finding so intriguing.

That if we can actually find an apparently 'scientific and professional' rationale, an explanation of a behaviour pattern, and give it a name, then it unloads part of the responsibility from our shoulders to accept the weight of the consequences of our actions.

Giving it a label - calling it something - makes it somehow seem more justifiable, more - legitimate.

 

The bottom line is that your husband did something that went against the spiritual vows and values of your marriage.

he broke that promise.

His choice.

That's it.

We can embelish it in any way we choose, if it makes us feel better.

That too, is our choice.

 

I say nothing with animosity or cruelty.

but all this crud and pseudo-analysis, really gets my goat.....:D

Edited by TaraMaiden
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...