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Split-Self Affair (Discussion)

NoIDidn't

By NoIDidn't
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NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

Posted
Posted

Much is being said lately of this so-called "split-self" affair.

 

What is the difference between it and just cheating to get one's needs met, like most people say they are doing (and some say they are justified in so doing)?

 

It sounds to me like the typical person that goes into marriage and tries to be a good spouse/parent/lover/friend but doesn't take the time to express their own needs and now can't imagine living that way forever. But has for so long that they are afraid to take those concerns to the spouse, and turns to someone else instead. Its been said that this is a mostly male affair choice.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the counsellors/psychologists helping these people never say its caused by problems in the marriage, or that the marriage no longer has love. In fact, they don't ascribe any fault to the betrayed spouse at all. Could these be the affairs that arise out of those otherwise "happy" marriages?

 

Thoughts?

TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

Posted
Posted (edited)
Much is being said lately of this so-called "split-self" affair.

 

Much? Really?

never heard of it....

Is this a way of saying, "It wasn't my fault, me made me do it!"....?

 

What is the difference between it and just cheating to get one's needs met, like most people say they are doing (and some say they are justified in so doing)?

The difference is in the cheater's mind.

Ask them.....

 

It sounds to me like the typical person that goes into marriage and tries to be a good spouse/parent/lover/friend but doesn't take the time to express their own needs and now can't imagine living that way forever. But has for so long that they are afraid to take those concerns to the spouse, and turns to someone else instead.

 

Desire is natural.

Fidelity is a choice.

People choose to take the 'easy' option (ie , not make the effort to honour their commitment to their spouse, because it involves communicating uncomfortable issues) because it's more fulfilling for them, in the short term. But they simply do not look ahead to the consequences or long-term issues. Also known as a totally emotional minefield.

 

Its been said that this is a mostly male affair choice.

I disagree.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the counsellors/psychologists helping these people never say its caused by problems in the marriage, or that the marriage no longer has love. In fact, they don't ascribe any fault to the betrayed spouse at all.

This, if I may say so, is utter bul5h1t.

There is never any question that the blame lies with the wayward spouse.

They're the ones who splayed their legs/stuck their dick elsewhere.

 

But RESPONSIBILITY for the state of the marriage, is a 50-50 split.

And to say that counsellors/psychologists never say that it's caused by problems in the marriage, is utter crud.

I'm sorry, but you are definitely incorrect there.

That's the whole point of counselling. To enable BOTH members of the relationship to own their part.

Having worked extensively with a relationships counselling Association, I'm telling you, first hand, you have got it very badly wrong there. Truly.

But a counsellor is not there to point out where either the blame or the responsibility lies.

They know that already.

A counsellor is there to lead, guide and arbitrate, and to enable the couple to come to constructive conclusions for themselves. Even if that conclusion is a mutual agreement to split up.

MC isn't necessarily about keeping people together.

It's about keeping them together on the same page.

There's a difference.

Could these be the affairs that arise out of those otherwise "happy" marriages?

 

Thoughts?

Well, at last one member of the relationship might have thought so!

Edited by TaraMaiden
reservoirdog1 Established Member

reservoirdog1

Posted
Posted (edited)
Much is being said lately of this so-called "split-self" affair.

 

What is the difference between it and just cheating to get one's needs met, like most people say they are doing (and some say they are justified in so doing)?

 

It sounds to me like the typical person that goes into marriage and tries to be a good spouse/parent/lover/friend but doesn't take the time to express their own needs and now can't imagine living that way forever. But has for so long that they are afraid to take those concerns to the spouse, and turns to someone else instead. Its been said that this is a mostly male affair choice.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the counsellors/psychologists helping these people never say its caused by problems in the marriage, or that the marriage no longer has love. In fact, they don't ascribe any fault to the betrayed spouse at all. Could these be the affairs that arise out of those otherwise "happy" marriages?

 

Thoughts?

The whole idea sounds like some self-help book author's dream.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
wheelwright Established Member

wheelwright

Posted
Posted
Much is being said lately of this so-called "split-self" affair.

 

What is the difference between it and just cheating to get one's needs met, like most people say they are doing (and some say they are justified in so doing)?

 

It sounds to me like the typical person that goes into marriage and tries to be a good spouse/parent/lover/friend but doesn't take the time to express their own needs and now can't imagine living that way forever. But has for so long that they are afraid to take those concerns to the spouse, and turns to someone else instead. Its been said that this is a mostly male affair choice.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the counsellors/psychologists helping these people never say its caused by problems in the marriage, or that the marriage no longer has love. In fact, they don't ascribe any fault to the betrayed spouse at all. Could these be the affairs that arise out of those otherwise "happy" marriages?

 

Thoughts?

 

Before I had my A I remember walking home from an event where I had met a guy I could really talk to and spark with in tears because my M was not like that. I did not want to end my m and all the dreams I had, but my feelings were not as they should be for that dream to be realised. It caused me such heartache, and I did not pursue that spark and in fact set up NC before more than one evening's EA had taken place.

 

So I go home and continue to try and make my M work and get the 'right' feelings and work through the issues. And in my soul I give up, even though I know he is the best man under the sun, and I can't work out the problem.

 

Then I fall in love (badly) with a MOM.

 

But my heart was open because there wasn't enough love in my M.

 

I am totally split between love and M. Even though there is love in my M, it is not accessible.

 

Split self types are open to new love, but not willing to let go of what they have.

 

A recipe for disaster? Or a way of working through?

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted

It sounds to me like the typical person that goes into marriage and tries to be a good spouse/parent/lover/friend but doesn't take the time to express their own needs and now can't imagine living that way forever. But has for so long that they are afraid to take those concerns to the spouse, and turns to someone else instead. Its been said that this is a mostly male affair choice.

 

This is pretty much how I have understood it as well.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the counsellors/psychologists helping these people never say its caused by problems in the marriage, or that the marriage no longer has love. In fact, they don't ascribe any fault to the betrayed spouse at all. Could these be the affairs that arise out of those otherwise "happy" marriages?

 

Thoughts?

 

From what I have understood, both spouses have the same problem with the split self, ie the split between "doing the right thing" and the emotional self. Both spouses want to have the perfect family and have pushed aside their own needs for a long time, probably for the whole duration of their marriage.

 

The difference is how they handle this. One partner seeks out an affair, the other partner might offload themselves by talking to one of the children as their emotional support. Both spouses need IC. If only one of them goes to IC and the other one does not, it will be difficult to save the marriage.

 

The WS finds his emotional self through the AP, but this is just a temporary solution. He needs to join these two parts of himself inside himself. As it is now he has a sense of family with his spouse and a sense of emotional self with the AP. It looks like the problem is which woman to choose, but in fact the problem lies within himself.

 

Below is a summary from a figure in therapist Emily Brown's book Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment, concerning the Split Self Affair:

 

"Gender of straying partner: Male

Age of straying partner: 40 and up

Length of marriage before affair: 20 or more years

Theme of affair: family and shoulds vs wants

Duration of affair: 2 or more years

 

Level of emotional involvement in affair: great

Presenting affect of straying partner: depressed

Presenting affect of spouse: depressed

Interaction pattern of couple: troubled communication

Who presents for therapy: couple, straying partner, or spouse

 

Primary treatment mode initially: individual

Prognosis for resolving issues: good

Probability of divorce: above average

Best outcome: revived marriage or divorce

Worst outcome: empty shell marriage or divorce"

Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

Posted
Posted
Much is being said lately of this so-called "split-self" affair.

 

What is the difference between it and just cheating to get one's needs met, like most people say they are doing (and some say they are justified in so doing)?

 

It sounds to me like the typical person that goes into marriage and tries to be a good spouse/parent/lover/friend but doesn't take the time to express their own needs and now can't imagine living that way forever. But has for so long that they are afraid to take those concerns to the spouse, and turns to someone else instead. Its been said that this is a mostly male affair choice.

 

One thing I have noticed is that the counsellors/psychologists helping these people never say its caused by problems in the marriage, or that the marriage no longer has love. In fact, they don't ascribe any fault to the betrayed spouse at all. Could these be the affairs that arise out of those otherwise "happy" marriages?

 

Thoughts?

 

Cheating is cheating is cheating

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
Cheating is cheating is cheating

 

According to you, yes, according to the therapists, no.

Space Ritual Established Member

Space Ritual

Posted
Posted
According to you, yes, according to the therapists, no.

 

 

Cheating is above always a conscious decision. All the excuses are just that...excuses

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
According to you, yes, according to the therapists, no.

 

 

According to my MC and IC, cheating is definitely cheating

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
According to my MC and IC, cheating is definitely cheating

 

From what I have read affairs can be divided into 5 different types:

 

Conflict Avoidance Affair

Intimacy Avoidance Affair

Sexual Addiction Affair

Split Self Affair

Exit Affair

 

Don't your MC and IC agree with this? Too bad in that case because there is a lot to be learned from that.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

 

Don't your MC and IC agree with this? Too bad in that case because there is a lot to be learned from that.

 

Actually what I learned in both is that having an affair is a self-destructive half life and that I would never compromise myself like that any more. The OW/OM ends up having to split time between two people and as a result can never fully enjoy being with either because they know they are lying to both, the BS is being lied to through and through by the person who is supposed to care for them most in this world and the AP gets the scraps when the OW/OM can be bothered and - even worse- they know that is all they will get. It's funny with all this talk on whether BS "settle" if they take the WS back. The AP "settles" as soon as they embark on an affair with a married person.

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted (edited)
Actually what I learned in both is that having an affair is a self-destructive half life and that I would never compromise myself like that any more. The OW/OM ends up having to split time between two people and as a result can never fully enjoy being with either because they know they are lying to both, the BS is being lied to through and through by the person who is supposed to care for them most in this world and the AP gets the scraps when the OW/OM can be bothered and - even worse- they know that is all they will get. It's funny with all this talk on whether BS "settle" if they take the WS back. The AP "settles" as soon as they embark on an affair with a married person.

 

Your description above is not my experiences of an extramarital relationship, but then we know that affairs do vary in character, just like the people involved in them do.

 

You didn't answer my question though. Did your IC and MC never talk about different kinds of affairs? Would you say that your affair was a split self affair? I know it lasted long and I believe that there might have been a great level of emotional involvement, which both are signs of a split self affair.

Edited by jennie-jennie
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

There was no discussion as to what type of affair it was. In some ways, does that really matter? It is still an affair, it is still a betrayal, it is still the wrong thing to do, it still hurts all those involved, it still avoids dealing with problems in the marriage.....

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
There was no discussion as to what type of affair it was. In some ways, does that really matter? It is still an affair, it is still a betrayal, it is still the wrong thing to do, it still hurts all those involved, it still avoids dealing with problems in the marriage.....

 

Knowing what kind of affair it was can help to get to the root of the problem, help understand what kind of therapy is needed and do away with guilt. In my experience guilt is in the way of true progress.

 

May I ask, and this is a humble question, what do you think caused you to have an affair?

reboot Established Member

reboot

Posted
Posted
How do you define "love"? It seems to me many cheaters define "love" as something they think they "feel" in certain situations rather than as a series of behaviors and obligations. E.g. "love" is simply a pleasant or tingly or giddy feeling and not much more. If a particular stimulus results in that tingly or giddy feeling they think they are "in love."

 

Do you have children? I do, and I love them dearly. When they get a fever and are vomiting all over the carpet, and I get no sleep all night, and I (and my wife) have to spend the entire night sleepless taking care of them, and cleaning up vomit, THAT is "love". To me anyway.

 

Bravo. Funny how so many people mistake that splash of Oxytocin on their brain for "love".

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
Knowing what kind of affair it was can help to get to the root of the problem, help understand what kind of therapy is needed and do away with guilt. In my experience guilt is in the way of true progress.

 

May I ask, and this is a humble question, what do you think caused you to have an affair?

 

 

I don't think you have to categorise the affair to actually deal with the problems leading up to it and those caused by it. I have also dealt with my guilt - what I feel now is remorse which I think is healthy.

 

As for the "causes" - as my H is also a LS poster, out of respect to him this is something that I will not post about however this was openly discussed in MC (and in my IC sessions).

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted

How do you define "love"? It seems to me many cheaters define "love" as something they think they "feel" in certain situations rather than as a series of behaviors and obligations. E.g. "love" is simply a pleasant or tingly or giddy feeling and not much more. If a particular stimulus results in that tingly or giddy feeling they think they are "in love."

 

This is exactly what got the married couple in the Split Self Affair into trouble to begin with. They have lost touch with their emotional selves and are instead concentrating on doing "the right thing".

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
I don't think you have to categorise the affair to actually deal with the problems leading up to it and those caused by it. I have also dealt with my guilt - what I feel now is remorse which I think is healthy.

 

As for the "causes" - as my H is also a LS poster, out of respect to him this is something that I will not post about however this was openly discussed in MC (and in my IC sessions).

 

There are of course different ways of dealing with affairs. To me, and I believe to my MM as well, it has been a help to understand the dynamics behind our EMR by reading about Split Self Affairs.

 

I agree with you that remorse is healthy, whereas guilt is not.

 

I respect that you will not talk about the "causes" of your affair here on LS. I wish you well in your marriage.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I wish you well in your marriage.

 

 

Thank you - we are doing well with our recovery. It's been tough but more than worth it :)

jennie-jennie Established Member

jennie-jennie

Posted
Posted
Thank you - we are doing well with our recovery. It's been tough but more than worth it :)

 

I am happy to hear that. :)

Brokenlady Established Member

Brokenlady

Posted
Posted

If you want to know more and have $30 lying around, Emily Brown published an informative article on split-self affairs in the journal of couple and relationship therapy. http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a903325627

 

Abstract

 

The Split Self Affair is a long-term serious relationship. The split being played out in the affair reflects an internal split between doing things “right” and the emotional self. Treatment for those involved centers on understanding the origins of the internal split and on reclaiming the neglected emotional self. Long term individual therapy is the treatment of choice, augmented by other modalities.

silktricks Established Member

silktricks

Posted
Posted
From what I have read affairs can be divided into 5 different types:

 

Conflict Avoidance Affair

Intimacy Avoidance Affair

Sexual Addiction Affair

Split Self Affair

Exit Affair

 

Don't your MC and IC agree with this? Too bad in that case because there is a lot to be learned from that.

 

I've read some about this, but to be honest, very very little. I don't really think that it much matters in the long run (or even the short run, for that matter), because it all comes down to one person doing exactly what they want to do, regardless. They all seem at root to be conflict avoidance to me. :eek:

 

Conflict avoidance - don't want to work out the problems in the marriage, because there might be some conflict. I'll go have an affair with someone else.... that'll avoid the conflict :laugh:

 

Intimacy avoidance - don't want to be close to your spouse, so you pick someone else to be intimate with???? ;) I don't buy it. At root, I believe this is also conflict avoidance. They may not mind "conflict" per se - they'll fight, for example, but they won't take a chance on the kind of conflict that might produce a change within themselves or in their perception of the world... (maybe more of an "internal" conflict avoider..:()

 

sexual addiction - want to be able to have as much as sex as possible. They don't want the "conflict" with their spouse of wanting sex when the other doesn't so will have multiple partners... (I'm not convinced that there is such a thing as sexual addiction... I still believe this one was made up by somebody with a low libido :bunny:)

 

split-self - this is IMO, complete conflict avoidance. They realize that they are not happy in their life as it is. To make changes will create upheaval (read "conflict") with/for many people. They don't want to be the cause of the upheaval and find it easier to go find someone else to satisfy the parts of themselves they deny with their spouse.

 

exit affair - again, conflict avoidance. They want to get out of the relationship. Instead of just ending it (there may, after all, be conflict) they have an affair and "accidentally" get busted. Voila, end of relationship, end of affair. Of course, in the end there is conflict, but they have an "out" - they "fell in love"

 

So, IMO (and I know I'm not a therapist - but sometimes they drive me crazy!!! :lmao:) it's all just trying to split a hair.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I've read some about this, but to be honest, very very little. I don't really think that it much matters in the long run (or even the short run, for that matter), because it all comes down to one person doing exactly what they want to do, regardless. They all seem at root to be conflict avoidance to me. :eek:

 

 

By categorising an affair, it is almost as if you are saying some affairs are not as bad as others or that some are more excusable than others. Affairs destroy relationships and hurt all involved - regardless of "type"

White Flower Established Member

White Flower

Posted
Posted
By categorising an affair, it is almost as if you are saying some affairs are not as bad as others or that some are more excusable than others. Affairs destroy relationships and hurt all involved - regardless of "type"

But aren't we doomed to repeat the same behavior if we do not understand the underlying root causes of our A types? What about serial cheaters?

 

This is a thread about a discussion on a certain topic, not right or wrong.

anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted

If you look at my earlier posts, you will see that I have made reference to this. In the recovery from my affair, the causes/reasons have been considered and discussed in MC and IC. Yes, the reasons need to be understood but that does not mean you need to "name" the affair type.

 

My concern would be that by categorising it, it might result in the recovery focussing on problems/symptoms seen as typical of that affair type and therefore possibly ignoring wider issues.

 

In considering this thread, I did a google on these types and found a site which was along the lines of analysing what your affair type was. My situation did not fall into any in a clear cut manner.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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