In Agonizing Limbo. Did We Break Up? What Do I Do? Has He Lost His Mind???

[kiran]

Boyfriend told me on Saturday he had met another woman and he has feelings for her (hasn't slept with her, so he says). THAT was like a knife in my heart – I then expected him to tell me we were over but he didn’t; he cried and told me he wasn’t looking for it; it blindsided him and he loves me very much. He said he hoped it would all blow over but he wanted to tell me because he felt so guilty.

 

I cried; I asked him what he was going to do about it and he said “I don’t know”. Then went on a rant about how he feels completely out of control. We cried and held each other then I told him how much I love him but that he would need to sort things out and make a decision – he can’t have both of us and I’m not a doormat. Then I left.

 

I forgot to mention – he had been drinking (and he’s only a social drinker).

 

Fast forward to Sunday – he texted me – I texted him back and asked if he wanted to talk again. He said sure, but that he was still drunk. I told him I’d wait until he was sober and he said tomorrow.

 

He texted me Monday; was STILL DRINKING and didn’t think it would be a good time to talk.

 

Tuesday now – I emailed him at work. He wrote back to say he was physically ill from the binge drinking; his apt. is a mess and he’s confused, frustrated and sad. We can get together to talk later in the week. Says he loves me

 

I replied OK, do what you need to do.

 

Last night, he texted me, asked if I was there. I said yes, he texted back that he was drunk again. Says he wants to make it stop and can’t.

 

Today, he’s not at work and probably home drunk again.

 

What the hell is going on???? We’ve known each other 15 years and this isn’t like him.

 

I don’t know if I should try to contact him again or just let him suffer….with whatever he’s suffering with. I’m so sad and heartbroken.

Edited January 14, 2010 by kiran

[Silver_star]

How do you know "being home drunk" isnt code for "im with the other woman? I think hes trying to ride this one out for as long as you will alow it. He is having his cake and eating it too. Either way...he doesnt sound like a winner. I know you love him, but he lied to you and betrayed yuor trust and your relationship. You should end things before you get more hurt.

[Catseye8]

Do you have anyone (his friends, his family) who you could send round there to check on him?

[kiran]

Do you have anyone (his friends, his family) who you could send round there to check on him?

 

Yes, I could send someone. I would like to go myself but know that's probably not a good idea; so I can contact a friend.

 

I just can't figure out what would make him go off the deep end like this. If he wants to be with another woman, why not just break up with me, why the strange behavior? Or maybe he doesn't want to be with her but wants her to get out of his head?? Ugh.

[Catseye8]

The mind is a weird and complicated place... it's possible that whatever happened in his head about your relationship triggered some other issues, or vice versa, and he's just lost it. My ex freaked out about our relationship at the same time as depression started biting into him and a whole bundle of capital-I Issues came bubbling to the surface (God knows what the connection all was), and had what my counsellor described as "some kind of emotional breakdown" as a result... it does happen sometimes.

 

Meanwhile, concentrate on getting yourself through. If he is sitting at home on a four-day binge, he's not going to be in any place to give you answers about your relationship - and if there's something else going on, it's clearly not something he's going to talk about right now.

 

Limbo is awful - you're in a really, really tough place, and there's nothing you can do to change the situation. The only thing you can do is protect yourself. Get some space - for your own sake. Watch bad TV, go out with some understanding friends, read a trashy novel even if you need to put it down to cry every four pages. Do whatever you need to do.

[alphamale]

What the hell is going on????

he may have some mental problems

[HLP234]

I would take this time to focus on yourself and what you are going to do later. Its weird that he is constantly drunk..could be that he doesn't know if he wants to talk to you or not.

 

I would try and talk to one of his friends or someone that knows him well and see if he is alright. I hated being in a limbo, its the worst feeling of all because there is nothing you can do on your end.

 

Take time and just focus on yourself. He basically cheated on you but at least he told you about it. I dunno if you would want to be with someone that cheated, never know what else might come about.