lovelydivorcee Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I hate to admit I thought the divorce being finalized would magically put an end to the pain I feel...IT DID NOT. Instead I've felt this huge urge to fix what was broken. Eventhough 2 years of separation did not manage that feat. Nonetheless, I'm still heartbroken over a man who waltzez into my life as he pleases. I think only to build his ego that I still feel for him. Is he just a heartless soul? Why can't I manage to let go of my heartache? Why? All of this, I love him...still.
tojaz Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Lovely, the questions you asked there are very vague and its hard for someone to point you in the right direction without a clear picture of what it is you are looking for. The pain lingers, my D was final August first, yet here I am still up to my neck in it. Although it isn't over my head anymore. I looked at your other thread, and can see the hard road you've been traveling. I would ask that you read these words and ask if that sounds reasonable to you. I ended things he should do the same with the women he was seeing, communicating with. He says he won't do that. He won't commit to me until I resolve his issues, making him feel like he matters. A week later he's saying he feels hurt by me dating. He can't trust me. He has unresolved issues. He can't commit until he sees improvement in me. I was speechless. The other women was a HUGE factor in us splitting ,now we resume a relationship at his request he's making it seem like I'm the one coming on too much too fast. This man hasn't learned a thing about what lead to the break up. Hes cake eating pure and simple. Keep your integrity intact and if he is unable to sever contact with this OW, then you are just wasting your time. (sorry sure that hurt) In the meantime, the best advice for you is to wade through the threads here and see what you can learn about your situation and yourself. Keep us posted about what your feeling and let us help where we can and support where we can't. TOJAZ
Author lovelydivorcee Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 TOJAZ, I guess what I was really looking for you provided...affirmation... that I'm not being overly demanding towards the ex. I was simply looking for a sign, that he was really ready to put forth effort into a true reconciliation. But that wasn't the case.
tojaz Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 TOJAZ, I guess what I was really looking for you provided...affirmation... that I'm not being overly demanding towards the ex. I was simply looking for a sign, that he was really ready to put forth effort into a true reconciliation. But that wasn't the case. Your not being overly demanding at all. Judging from what you wrote, it sounds to me that hes interested but not quite ready to leave his new found life behind him yet. If reconcilliation is going to work, there can be no OW/M in the picture, if he is not willing to give that up, then hes not truly acting toward coming back together. I don't think you would be out of line to point that out to him though. TOJAZ
Steadfast Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Some of the best advice I ever received was; Don't feel bad about feeling bad. You love your ex. I'd wager that most ex's love the other in some capacity. What's being proven here is the depth of your love and devotion. You may see it as a curse, but in reality it's a blessing. It's what you are. After my divorce was final, the pain and heartache nearly approached the levels I experienced in the first few months of our separation. Judging by what others have said and shared, that seems to be a normal circumstance. Many say it takes up to or even past 24-months before we begin to feel normal again. In time, you'll settle into your new life. The pain will subside, feelings of joy will return and your heart will once again skip when a nice man smiles, asks for your name or takes you to dinner. Until then, train yourself to speak and think with kindness, take back control of your feelings and most of all, treat yourself with love and patience. Concentrate on his actions, not his words and make good decisions. Slowly, in measurements, each day will see improvement. Take care and post often-
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Some of the best advice I ever received was; Don't feel bad about feeling bad. You love your ex. I'd wager that most ex's love the other in some capacity. What's being proven here is the depth of your love and devotion. You may see it as a curse, but in reality it's a blessing. It's what you are. After my divorce was final, the pain and heartache nearly approached the levels I experienced in the first few months of our separation. Judging by what others have said and shared, that seems to be a normal circumstance. Many say it takes up to or even past 24-months before we begin to feel normal again. In time, you'll settle into your new life. Is it possible for the "pain" to subside in much shorter timeframes? Is it even healthy if it subsides quickly? That's what happened to me - 4 months after d-day I had no more passion to fight for the M. I do still love the STBXW in a certain way, but not in that way, not at all in a want-to-reconcile kind of way. That will never happen for many reasons. My uncontested D hearing is next month. I don't foresee a lingering heartache / pain like sf described. Probably some short-lived sadness because of the finality of it all. (The D hearing notice says "5 minutes alloted for this hearing" --> talk about a quick ending!!) Anyway don't want to threadjack here - LD: Are you in therapy? Maybe some IC would help you to come to a healthy realization that your expectations were reasonable but that there is NOTHING you can do about it. You need to focus on you ... Live YOUR life. the ex has a lot of work to do based on what I read and is probably not ready to be in ANY type of relationship now. Good Luck...
Author lovelydivorcee Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. I am so appreaciative for the different insights. I just experience highs and lows. I'm reading other threads and see that it is normal. We had an uncontested divorce, and yes it all over with in about 5 minutes. Most days I'm ok. Even right after the divorce was finalized I was really doing ok. It was afterwards when he contacted me and I allowed a little bit of hope to creep back into my heart that I became derailed. I understand that if he were serious no OW should have been in the picture. Its very hard to go NC because we have children together. But I have limited the contact we do have greatly. Another recurring thought I have often since the breakup-you guys remember the Staples commercials with the Easy button?! I can't tell you how much I would pay to have an easy button to push right now!!!
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 Another recurring thought I have often since the breakup-you guys remember the Staples commercials with the Easy button?! I can't tell you how much I would pay to have an easy button to push right now!!! I actually have a button like that. I'll send it to you!!! lol
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