OWoman Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 There are several threads both here and on the infidelity board about the pain involved in facing the end of the A / M in the wake of the "other" being chosen. Clearly every person's pain is intense to them in whatever their circumstances, and attempting some kind of ranking or comparison of "who suffers more" is odious, but I was just wondering - from those who've gone through a break-up of this kind, on whichever side of the dynamic - what about the particular configuration / circumstance of infidelity / it being an A makes it PARTICULARLY difficult to handle - more than it would have been had it been a case of getting dumped in any "normal" R without the presence of a third party?
NoIDidn't Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I have been the dumpee and the dumper in cases of cheating/infidelity (not involving marriages). As the dumper, I thought nothing of it. I was done. I had already processed the ending of the relationship that I know longer wanted. But as the dumpee, who was either left for another woman or left alone after the finding out I was an other-other-woman, I obsessed about it. I took it to heart that there was something wrong with me. I realize now that there was nothing anymore wrong with me then than with anyone else. Because I didn't share a life with any of these guys, its definitely a different dynamic. I only have children with my H, so that also changes the dynamic of the times I was dumped for another woman as well. And, to be totally honest, the satisfaction of finding out that things didn't work out for them after I was so coldly discarded usually helped lift my spirits making me glad I was dumped when I was. Of course, this is hindsight and bitterness speaking though. Its hard not to take it personal when one gets dumped. I've only recently learned that the dumper is really just looking out for themselves.
Brokenlady Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) I didn't get dumped by my xDM but it never really felt like he embraced "us". What made it particularly difficult for me was knowing about how awful the M was and how much he resented and at times outrightly disliked his xW. (Basically, if things were great, it would make more sense when I felt like he was choosing her feelings over mine. Knowing that was not the case made me feel extra insignificant - like 'I'm the one who loves and supports you, she's the one tearing you down and making your life difficult, and yet here you go choosing her feelings over mine again'). As I processed this, I realized it wasn't about choosing her feelings over mine. He didn't care enough for her to even consider that, nor enough for my feelings - he was choosing HIS feelings. He'd do whatever he wanted to relieve his guilt or whatever made him feel good - if the xW appreciated it, that was added bonus, but the purpose was inherently selfish. Still, it bothered me that my feelings were insignificant enough to him for him to continually trample on them to assuage his own ego and self-image. In short, I had my self-worth wrapped up very tightly in our dysfunctional relationship and everytime I'd feel cast aside for his xW, it crushed me. In retrospect, it was really silly of me to interpret everything as somehow reflective of or about me. The end result is the same though - he didn't care about my feelings. But now at least that knowledge reflects more on him in my mind than on the way I see myself. He can't make me feel like pond scum, only I can, and I choose not to let him to do that to me anymore. For his part - his blames his xW for "breaking us up". He is very annoyed that "she (xW) wins". (Meaning he "loses".) It turns out the competition was never between me and her, it was really between the two of them and I was just being used by both of them for leverage at times. On some level I think his resentment played out in a way that he almost enjoyed hurting her, but then he'd feel guilty and hurt me to "make up" for it (not that my hurt was a consideration, it was a sacrifice of himself in his mind). Edited January 14, 2010 by Brokenlady
silktricks Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) I think what BL stated is really important to remember, it's not usually about the "dumpee" or their intrinsic "worth". It's about the "dumper". Anyway, about the "pain". Termination of a relationship usually brings pain if you weren't the person choosing to end it. (And sometimes even when you are.). But if you were "dumped" unceremoniously with little or no discussion or goodbyes IMO (and experience) it hurts worse. We feel abandoned, and powerless. If you add to that feeling of abandonment the fact that this is accompanied by choosing to be with another person instead, it would, I believe, be even worse. You would now have the belief that your lover thinks someone else is "better" than you are. Really the lover isn't saying that, but humans generally seem to translate it that way. So, is it ever easy? For the dumper, yes, it can be. For the dumpee? Not IMO, but it can be easier if handled with kindness and clarity. Edited January 14, 2010 by silktricks
Snowflower Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 For his part - his blames his xW for "breaking us up". He is very annoyed that "she (xW) wins". (Meaning he "loses".) It turns out the competition was never between me and her, it was really between the two of them and I was just being used by both of them for leverage at times. On some level I think his resentment played out in a way that he almost enjoyed hurting her, but then he'd feel guilty and hurt me to "make up" for it (not that my hurt was a consideration, it was a sacrifice of himself in his mind). I'm so sorry you were caught in the middle of this, BL. I truly hope for your own happiness that you are able to eventually move forward to a better future without the MM. It sounds like he can't take responsibility for anything...blames his xW for breaking the two of you up. And then says that she wins. Seriously? What about his own role in the whole thing?
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 BL, I have an acquaintance that sort of experienced the same situation as you. There was a very sick dynamic between the divorcing MM and his xW, and my acquaintance (the OW) became collateral damage in this war of the roses. Somewhere in their ongoing drama, which I believe he secretly thrived on, (maybe they both did!)was an element of vengefulness between the MM and his soon-to-be x spouse. In hearing the OW pour her heart out, because she really loved him at the time, I also began to hear things I did not like, as if he couldn't wait to rub his relationship in the STBW's face to hurt her. It did hurt her and she called my friend and they did speak a few times. It worked....for awhile. When it stopped hurting his spouse, the MM dumped my acquaintance, claimed his x-wife was crazy, said he was depressed....and then moved on to another OW, and the dynamic between them started all over again. Really twisted, IMO. The woman I knew was devastated. I am sorry you were in the middle of this nonsense.
silktricks Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 One additional point: a lot of times the "dumper" thinks they are being kind by implying to the dumpee that there may be some chance for "them" in the future. This IMO is done to both BS and OW. It isn't kind. Clarity is important. If it's over, then by all means tell them/us that it's OVER. Anything else just screws with the head and keeps the "dumpee" from being able to move on with their life.
bentnotbroken Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I didn't get dumped, since I am the one who filed. But I do feel like the I failed at something. I would rather be told the truth and leave with my dignity and respect. It would hurt but I can get over that without having my trust in my judgement destroyed and my sanity compromised. The gaslighting was only meant to destroy me and my sanity. So dump me and move on, don't lie and deceive. It takes much more time to get over the lies than the truth.
ladydesigner Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Clarity is important. If it's over, then by all means tell them/us that it's OVER. Anything else just screws with the head and keeps the "dumpee" from being able to move on with their life. Yes this is so true. My XOM dumped me and yet wanted to keep a "friendship" but he would always drop sexual innuendos (big no no). I was so hurt and confused. Talk about a head screw. I finally declared no contact in September and haven't heard a word since. I feel sooo much better not having contact with him. I feel like I have my life and self-esteem back.
Heather1 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 The thing that makes this harder for me is I haven't told anyone, so zero support. No one knows what the hell is going on with me, and I've been protecting this guy for years. So regardless of being dumped or dumpee, it's not like I have a girlfriends shoulder to cry on or can tell my family what happened. I just have to suck it up.
OpenBook Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 what about the particular configuration / circumstance of infidelity / it being an A makes it PARTICULARLY difficult to handle - more than it would have been had it been a case of getting dumped in any "normal" R without the presence of a third party? Nothing. In my (now rather long!) lifespan I've been dumped by a MM and by a SG, where both were important to me. Both breakups were equally devastating. It depends on the guy. No - scratch that. It depends on ME and how I feel about the guy!
Heather1 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 All I have to say for myself is how can I love someone who doesn't love me back?? It defy's my personal logic. If I thought he had feelings for me, yeah, I'd be a goner. Just trying to get through this the best I can. BF meant best friend. Really, only friend the last 2 years. I'm not mad at all, at anyone. Just really hurt & feel REALLY stupid.
Heather1 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I'm well aware of that....just trying to make it through my days & make myself feel better. I told him last week to leave me alone, and I'm sure he will. Thanks for the reminder.
White Flower Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 There are several threads both here and on the infidelity board about the pain involved in facing the end of the A / M in the wake of the "other" being chosen. Clearly every person's pain is intense to them in whatever their circumstances, and attempting some kind of ranking or comparison of "who suffers more" is odious, but I was just wondering - from those who've gone through a break-up of this kind, on whichever side of the dynamic - what about the particular configuration / circumstance of infidelity / it being an A makes it PARTICULARLY difficult to handle - more than it would have been had it been a case of getting dumped in any "normal" R without the presence of a third party? It is painful on both sides and I have experienced both. As a BW there seems to be a sense of dignity because you have the support of your children, your friends, your extended family and even HIS extended family. You can talk about it with any and all because your R is known to all and by all. As an OW there is NO sense of support. One day he is there, the next he is gone. It feels as though it never happened. You keep checking the pictures you've hidden from your own children (in order to protect HIM) to reassure yourself there is evidence your A truly did exist. You look at the necklace and the earrings and hope that touching these physical reminders of his love will carry you through your own doubts. Your co-workers ask you what's wrong, why are you sniffling, and you can't tell them because you're new and you don't trust them enough with this kind of secret. You feel badly for lying and saying you must be allergic to something in the office or must've eaten something bad. It's confusing because you've heard over and over if and when she discovers us he will admit everything and just move out. We WILL be together before the year is up. But it didn't happen the way he said it would. The confusion of a changed plan and the abrupt loss is definitely, in my humble opinion, much more painful. And even though I have good friends who know of the A and who support me, it is still very lonely because not ALL my loved ones can support me right now. TBH I should say that my exH didn't end the M, I did. He did have an EA and I felt dumped, but I ultimately had to file. I wasn't sure exactly what kind of answers you were looking for so I hope this helps.
norajane Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 It's the "if only" that is that hard part. If only he weren't married, we could really be something together. If only he wasn't a selfish, narcissistic pig, we could really be something together. Whether they are single or married, getting dumped by someone with whom you believed there was so much possibility of a really, really good thing...if only...
jennie-jennie Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 The hard thing when the MM ends (or tries to end) it with you, is that you know he loves you. To end a relationship while both partners are still very much in love is very hard.
pureinheart Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 This may sound extremely stange, although here goes. It was always easier to get over being dumped for AW. In thinking back, quite possibly at this point I would have the understanding that there is no hope for reconcilliation. I could be done and have closure quick and move on.
pureinheart Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 IIt turns out the competition was never between me and her, it was really between the two of them and I was just being used by both of them for leverage at times. On some level I think his resentment played out in a way that he almost enjoyed hurting her, but then he'd feel guilty and hurt me to "make up" for it (not that my hurt was a consideration, it was a sacrifice of himself in his mind). Concerning the R with exMM, what I have in bold was exactly what I said to him one day in the beginning of the R...this was at work and something happened that triggered this response...I said what kind of game are you and your W playing with me... Thank you for communicating this as it answered many questions for me....
jj33 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Great question OWoman. I think the difference is that in a normal relationship, you have 2 available people (at least in theory emotionally availability is a whole other topic). In a relationship between 2 single people, if one of them ends it, it is because they dont love the other person or dont see it going anywhere - the pain may be deep but there is a clear cut ending - he/she doesnt love me, its over. In an A, many times the end is not clear. The other person who was chosen was always a part of the picture. There were always obligations to the spouse that impacted the relationship between the OP and the MP. Very often the end is not I dont love you I dont want a future with you (because the idea of a future didnt necessarily ever mean just you and me - the spouse was again always in the picture). Often the ending is I need to focus on my M, I love you but I need to do this for my kids etc etc and is accompanied by behavior that is designed to keep the OP hanging in there emotionally. Then there is the back and forth while the MP flounders like a fish back and forth - that sort of thing almost never goes on in a relationship between 2 single people. So often the process if much more tortured and prolonged than in a normal relationshp that the pain is deeper and there is often the feeling that the MP isnt sure of his decision and may at any time decide to continue with the A. I think all of that makes the ending of the A much much harder.
pureinheart Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Great question OWoman. I think the difference is that in a normal relationship, you have 2 available people (at least in theory emotionally availability is a whole other topic). In a relationship between 2 single people, if one of them ends it, it is because they dont love the other person or dont see it going anywhere - the pain may be deep but there is a clear cut ending - he/she doesnt love me, its over. In an A, many times the end is not clear. The other person who was chosen was always a part of the picture. There were always obligations to the spouse that impacted the relationship between the OP and the MP. Very often the end is not I dont love you I dont want a future with you (because the idea of a future didnt necessarily ever mean just you and me - the spouse was again always in the picture). Often the ending is I need to focus on my M, I love you but I need to do this for my kids etc etc and is accompanied by behavior that is designed to keep the OP hanging in there emotionally. Then there is the back and forth while the MP flounders like a fish back and forth - that sort of thing almost never goes on in a relationship between 2 single people. So often the process if much more tortured and prolonged than in a normal relationshp that the pain is deeper and there is often the feeling that the MP isnt sure of his decision and may at any time decide to continue with the A. I think all of that makes the ending of the A much much harder. Great answer JJ!
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