theycallmeprincess Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Betrayal and deceit can come in many forms. Marriage vows can be broken in many ways, so why is it that infidelity seems to be the most painful and damaging of all betrayal? Is it because another person is involved?
2sure Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I think to figure that out, we need to name what the other forms of betrayal and deceit are exclsive to marriage?
silktricks Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 That is undoubtedly part of it, but IMO there's more to it than that. Infidelity is more of a multi-factor betrayal and usually includes lying and theft (time, attention and often monetary goods that "belong" in the family circle). Often as well there is humiliation and sometimes cruel/demeaning behavior has occurred as well. It's kind of a disgusting "package" of broken vows.
1Angel Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) Don't forget to add the abuse of gaslighting. Make the BS think s/he is going crazy, distort their reality, make them doubt their own feelings and confidence that what they see or hear or suspect isn't actually real. Add generous heaps of manipulation. Give BS a sexually transmitted disease, rob the BS of his or her choice to remain in the marriage by lying and omitting the facts, we could go on and on.... Edited January 14, 2010 by 1Angel
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I think I have read there are five areas of trust in a committed relationship: I trust you to be faithful. I trust you to be financially prudent with our funds. I trust you to keep my secrets; thoughts, confessions, opinions of others to between us as I will keep yours. I trust that you will not willingly and knowingly lie to me. I trust that you will not embarrass or humiliate me in public, whether by your words or your actions. Yep! An affair violates ALL FIVE! Pretty devastating.
2sure Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Yep, Having your spouse have sex or emotional conversations with someone else is the betrayal of marriage via cheating. That part - thats the easy thing to get over. Its the rest. Infidelity via sex with someone else is about as hard to get over as any betrayal or lie. The betrayal of infidelity has, for many of us - not much to do with the actual infidelity or the OW/OM. Its the rest. The parts only between the married partners, the parts no one else sees or knows about.
Author theycallmeprincess Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Yes, this makes sense, thank you. Infidelity is all forms of betrayal wrapped up in one. So it's not just the physical act of sex with someone else, it's all that goes with it.
2sure Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Its a good question. I mean, the answer seems obvious to me initially but. I'll tell you something. Years ago, I was OW, couple of time, yada yada. Before that I was married and cheated on - but it wasnt a great marriage anyway and I cant say I felt THAT betrayed. But then. I married a man I adored and who adored me. Through this marriage - two became one. He cheated on me. The experience was about a lot more that hurt feelings and lies. All I can tell you is that the view from here...is nothing like I expected. Before this happened to me, I might have asked the same question and I know for sure I would have answered it differently.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 its beacuse there is a penis going in a vagina.. pretty simple. Having friendships with people..well you can have a friendship with anyone but when it turns physical then its game over.
Author theycallmeprincess Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 its beacuse there is a penis going in a vagina.. pretty simple. Having friendships with people..well you can have a friendship with anyone but when it turns physical then its game over. No, I'm pretty sure it's more complicated than that. Read the other posts.
realworldexplorer Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Betrayal and deceit can come in many forms. Marriage vows can be broken in many ways, so why is it that infidelity seems to be the most painful and damaging of all betrayal? Is it because another person is involved? For me (and of course every situation is different) the worst was that my wife (in all her wisdom) put a worthless human (OM) above me and the marriage for her neediness, selfishness and low self esteem. All the while I was honestly fighting the good fight and sacrificing (sp?) for her and our life together. She let this low life into our marriage and private life that I felt was sacred. This man was a voyeur who enjoyed looking into peoples lives to see what he could get and what was free to steal. He really is a sick individual that sees life differently than most human beings. he was also a skilled manipulator that played my naive and vulnerable wife like a fiddle. So she deceived me while I was honest and hid nothing from her, this is truly a pain I did not know existed prior to my DDay. I can only describe it as a sadness that paints the world gray and black and takes forever to dissipate, especially if you have tried your whole life to live with honor, truth and dignity. It is with out a doubt the darkest experience of my life. I am forever changed from it and how I proceed will always be tainted by it. Truly, strongly devastating and life altering like a bad car crash. My wife threw him under the bus the moment they were exposed and begged with every fiber of her being to reconcile and put this behind. 1.5 years later I am struggling to figure out why I would try and forgive such treachery and dissapointing behaviour. I am a good person but forgiving deception, gas lighting and sexual/emotional infidelity pushes to the very extreme limit of what I am able to overcome as a fragile and suffering human being. God I wish that this never happened. People who think only of themselves when getting involved with someone elses spouse have no idea of the life long pain that the innocent and deceived party may have to endure. I am not here on this earth to ever do such a thing.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I know its more than that..but to me that hurts more than emotional. Sex is something thats sacred and very intimate..
Spark1111 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Its a good question. I mean, the answer seems obvious to me initially but. I'll tell you something. Years ago, I was OW, couple of time, yada yada. Before that I was married and cheated on - but it wasnt a great marriage anyway and I cant say I felt THAT betrayed. But then. I married a man I adored and who adored me. Through this marriage - two became one. He cheated on me. The experience was about a lot more that hurt feelings and lies. All I can tell you is that the view from here...is nothing like I expected. Before this happened to me, I might have asked the same question and I know for sure I would have answered it differently. I have always believed that the LEVEL of betrayal one feels is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the love they felt for the WS. Some marriages are partnerships devoted to raising the children, paying the bills and maintaining a status quo. Infidelity doesn't hurt so much; people and life move on or divorce. Doubt they post here at LS. Some marriages are true love relationships. In those cases, the pain of betrayal is the worst pain ever experienced, IMO.
wheelwright Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) I have always believed that the LEVEL of betrayal one feels is in DIRECT PROPORTION to the love they felt for the WS. Some marriages are partnerships devoted to raising the children, paying the bills and maintaining a status quo. Infidelity doesn't hurt so much; people and life move on or divorce. Doubt they post here at LS. Some marriages are true love relationships. In those cases, the pain of betrayal is the worst pain ever experienced, IMO. I think this is true, but not the only truth about this kind of betrayal. And it makes me wonder: doesn't this mean that the betrayal that really hurts is that the WS had a time of not really loving the BS? (If the M is a true love relationship, this could be a blip due to personal or marital issues for the WS, and not a full on end of the love) And then the 5 points you listed earlier are more of a disrespect that compounds this deeper crime? And in fact are a result of it. Also, it very much depends on where the trust is to see where the betrayal hurts most. Or ultimately, maybe it is the guideline I use for all forms of frienship we should look at - you know someone is on your side if they wish the best for you and go out of their way to keep your best interests at heart. In this case, an A is only one kind of terrible betrayal. A sibling 'stealing' the family wealth might be another. But then you wouldn't expect them to change and come back later with half. Which is what a lot of WSs seem to do. And that is why remorse is such a good indicator of any reconciliation after a betrayal. Plus the fact that typically a M is something people have an awful big part of their lives invested in, so they are being betrayed at the core of their life so to speak. An equally nasty betrayal in another life area might be easier to get over because of this. Sorry, a bit waffly. Thinking aloud. Another thought. Most big betrayals are final - people don't recover from them. Perhaps marriage itself is a situation where attempting to get over betrayal is more necessary and common. I have been betrayed at work for instance. It just made me dislike the people involved. I could see their (inadequate) reasons, but had no interest in knowing them afterwards. Perhaps the acknowledgement that there is a need to work through it makes it very singular. Edited January 14, 2010 by wheelwright wanted to add..
2sure Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 My H loved me deeply and sincerely the whole time he was cheating on me. If he had not, I would have chalked it up to the marriage needing work or been able to walk away more easily. The fact that I KNOW his love me for me never changed and he did it anway is the part of the betrayal that both enrages me and frustrates me. It was a stupid, needless thing done and the cost , the loss , to HIMSELF ...I'll never get it.
White Flower Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 I think I have read there are five areas of trust in a committed relationship: I trust you to be faithful. I trust you to be financially prudent with our funds. I trust you to keep my secrets; thoughts, confessions, opinions of others to between us as I will keep yours. I trust that you will not willingly and knowingly lie to me. I trust that you will not embarrass or humiliate me in public, whether by your words or your actions. Yep! An affair violates ALL FIVE! Pretty devastating. I think this is the best possible post on this thread. It all goes together and is not as simple as 'penis in vagina'. That sort of mentality leads to the whole 'physical ownership' that so many men view their Ws to be as if she has no brain or emotions. Some women feel this way too but not as often. BTW, my exMM is guilty of committing all 5 offenses.
Jeff1962 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 For me, when you take a vow to be with a person in marriage, this vow means emotional, physical, spiritual, financial, friendship and trust. There are so many ways that you can betray someone, but sex is a core human need, just like love. Think about how sex effects a person. We open ourselves up to be vunerable during sex because we trust, we give ourselves to this person that we love. We desire pleasure and acceptance with our partner. We are allowing ourselves to fall into the other and share ourselves. To be betrayed in this way cuts to the core of basic human animal behavior. To protect self. Emotional betrayal can run the same way. Just my two.
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