shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 My new boyfriend has worked himself up into a love frenzy after only a month and a half together. He's already told me that he loves me a lot and that he wants to spend his life with me. I care about him deeply too, but I'm scared that his emotions are bound to burst at some point. I know this would really hurt me. Is there anything I can do to make it less likely that this will happen? Should I just not worry, or should I keep my feelings guarded?
Stung Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I seem to remember you mentioning elsewhere that he is a fair bit younger than you. What are the ages involved?
Stockalone Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 My new boyfriend has worked himself up into a love frenzy after only a month and a half together. He's already told me that he loves me a lot and that he wants to spend his life with me. I care about him deeply too, but I'm scared that his emotions are bound to burst at some point. I know this would really hurt me. Is there anything I can do to make it less likely that this will happen? Should I just not worry, or should I keep my feelings guarded? One thing that comes to mind is that if you feel that he gets a wrong, idealized impression of you, that you correct him. Don't do that about every small detail of your personality. But if it is something that you believe he has completely wrong, don't be afraid to tell him that he got it wrong. That you are not all that. You don't want to have to compete with this idealized, perfect goddess he might create in his mind. If you have flaws and fears, don't let him overlook them. That doesn't mean you have to make yourself look bad and advertise your flaws. Just talk to him about it when he does that. That can help you both. He can still adore you if that is what he wants, as long as he is somewhat reasonable. Let's face it, we men will still adore our woman, sometimes even the little flaws because we see them as endearing. You can't expect him to be completely rational. But you might find it interesting to see yourself through his eyes. Why does he feel about you the way he does? What does he think about the issues you have about your body (I forgot how it is called, sorry)? He can support you while you are dealing with your issues and you can keep his seemingly excessive, unconditional adoration grounded a bit by reminding him that you are made of flesh and blood.
Author shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I seem to remember you mentioning elsewhere that he is a fair bit younger than you. What are the ages involved? Yeah, he's 21, turning 22 in a week and a half. I'm 26. He's had a few short lived relationships, but I'm the first girl he's had sex with and probably his first serious girlfriend. This is part of the reason I fear his feelings are just based on inexperience and excitement about having a girlfriend who likes him.
Author shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I actually like his ardency in many ways. My main fear is that it will just go poof.
melodymatters Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 In my experience, with those who love strongly, it doesn't just go " poof". I hate gender specifics, but I have found that men seem to hang on to a good thing once they've found it. I have a few ex's that fell fast, that I could go back to today ! Relax and enjoy it ! Anthing can happen at anytime to anyone, so whats the point in worrying ?
make me believe Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Hmm yeah, given the ages and his inexperience I think he is just infatuated with the idea of having a gf who likes him. And he's put you up on a pedastool for sure. I agree with Stockalone's advice to remind him that you're not perfect & your relationship won't be perfect either. Sometimes in these situations the POOF comes as soon as the first argument/problem comes and the person realizes that relationships aren't all butterflies & perfection all the time.
Author shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Hmm yeah, given the ages and his inexperience I think he is just infatuated with the idea of having a gf who likes him. I seriously, seriously hope that's not the case.
allina Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Just go it it sp and keep being the amazing girl he fell for. Of course there is no guarantee that this will last forever, but don't let insecurity of fear ruin a possibly great thing. Remember, even if things don't work out, you will get through it and recover.
threebyfate Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 shadow, this relationship might last for 1 more day or for the rest of your life. There are no guarantees and we all get hurt. You've been hurt before but look at you now, in a relationship where you really care about this guy. You've also been in past relationships, each time, after awhile, finding someone else to love, again. A lot of times, relationships that burn high out the gate, also crash and burn quickly. And yet, I've had the opposite happen, with my H. So, there's nothing you can do to prevent the loss of feeling from someone else, beyond relaxing and enjoying the relationship, while it exists. But if you allow that fear to dominate, you can subconsciously sabotage a potentially viable relationship, by pushing the other person away with bad behaviours.
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Shadow, I think he is just completly open because of his age and inexperience. Doesn't mean that his feelings are not valid but another more experienced guy would be more hesitant and censored in his wrods and actions. Your bf just says what he thinks in an almost childlike way. If you don't feel this is a turn off for you then just enjoy it. Live in today and worry less about tommorrow. (I too hate uncertainity but often things turn out OK and I find that I have worried needlessly). Let time do its thing. In about 6 months you will know if his feelings are stable.
threebyfate Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Oh and before I forget, each time we experience breakup, we learn a little more about what makes us tick, what works for us and what doesn't. It also does one of two things, either we grow or we stagnate and get bitter, fearing hurt, curling up in a self-created womb. Are human beings meant to be so emotionally fragile? I think not.
allina Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Have fun and see where things are at the six month point. At that point if all looks well maybe you should get engaged. ...............Wow, I'd really have to disagree with this! The guy is only 21!
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 My new boyfriend has worked himself up into a love frenzy after only a month and a half together. He's already told me that he loves me a lot and that he wants to spend his life with me. this guy is not living in reality, i would question his judgement and his emotional health
Stung Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 His age would raise some red flags for me considering the sudden vehemence of his ardor, but the age gap isn't really that great, all things considered. He might be codependent, he might be inexperienced, he might be a little bit loony, he might just be a sensitive romantic. In the end, we can all make suppositions, but none of us will be able to predict the future for you. While I can understand your desire to safeguard yourself from potential pain, you can't protect yourself forever and still live a full life. Does he set off any other warning bells? Nobody is perfect, but do you feel he is striving to be an honorable man? You don't have to throw yourself in headfirst, but if you like and trust him, try wading a little deeper one step at a time. It's early days, so keep evaluating as the emotion levels rise. But do be aware that the longer you hold him at arm's length the more this is likely to exacerbate an imbalance in your power dynamic, and it's not really fair to him if he's really all-in.
Author shadowplay Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 I can see how just reading my descriptions he might sound a bit loony, but in real life he's very sane. I haven't noticed any psychological problems whatsoever, and I'm good at picking up on that sort of thing. He's not even mildly depressed at all (which many of my ex boyfriends were). He's a happy, healthy person. I suspect he's just more sensitive and romantic than average. But maybe I can't be objective because I'm too emotionally invested, and he really is crazy! I guess we'll see...
alphamale Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I suspect he's just more sensitive and romantic than average.... or more naive
Star Gazer Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Oh and before I forget, each time we experience breakup, we learn a little more about what makes us tick, what works for us and what doesn't. This is a good point and shouldn't be glanced over. Here, your BF hasn't had the experiences to know what makes him tick, what works for him and what doesn't. You're basically all he knows.
OpenBook Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I'm scared that his emotions are bound to burst at some point. I know this would really hurt me. Is there anything I can do to make it less likely that this will happen? Shadow, my advice is to back away slowly. Be unavailable and distant with him. Men respond when a woman moves AWAY from them, not TOWARD them.
Hot Carl Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 this guy is not living in reality, i would question his judgement and his emotional health I agree with this. You aren't quite that great, Shadow. He's going to come to his senses sooner or later. Chances are the infatuation will just turn into run-of-the-mill love at some point.
Jake Barnes Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I agree with this. You aren't quite that great, Shadow. He's going to come to his senses sooner or later. Chances are the infatuation will just turn into run-of-the-mill love at some point. I agree with this
allina Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Shadow, my advice is to back away slowly. Be unavailable and distant with him. Men respond when a woman moves AWAY from them, not TOWARD them. Why would she play games with him? He's not being distant he's falling for her!
SadandConfusedWA Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Shadow, my advice is to back away slowly. Be unavailable and distant with him. Men respond when a woman moves AWAY from them, not TOWARD them. This is counter-intuitive. She is concerned that he is TOO in love with her. If she became distant, according to you he would fall even more in love..
Author shadowplay Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I agree with this. You aren't quite that great, Shadow. He's going to come to his senses sooner or later. Chances are the infatuation will just turn into run-of-the-mill love at some point. Gee thanks. You don't even know me. How would you know how "great" I am?
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