Fashion and love.

[thebigdoob]

Ever thought to yourself, is it just me? Well that’s how I’m feeling so I thought I’d sign up here in the hope of you answering this question for me.

 

I’m in love and very much so, with a woman who loves me very much and is about to become my second wife. We’re both in our 40’s and like nothing better than each others company. We’re together over two years and not once have we fought with each other. I imagine this is because we both like who the other is, respect who the other is and neither of us is trying to change who the other person is, in any way.

 

My problem is so petty when I take the above into account but, by the same token, it’s breaking my heart.

 

When I met my fiancée, she didn’t have that many nice clothes. This was great in that I could buy them for her and I did. I bought a wardrobe of dresses, skirts and matching items. Everything was bought online and simple to return. Occasionally some items were returned but overall she loved the clothes. She knows I like women to wear skirts and she knows how much I like to see her dressed, as I would feel, like a lady. I don’t like trousers on women but equally, I completely and fully respect every woman’s right to wear what they wish, including my fiancée.

 

We’ve talked about this a lot and please don’t ask me why it’s so important to me, I don’t know. We eat out regularly and she normally wears a dress to dinner. I more recently bought some skirts for her to wear as casual daywear. But every day, she wears trousers. So I raised the issue, how much was spent and how all of that was a waste if these clothes are only to collect dust.

 

Now I was of the distinct impression that she might like wearing these clothes and that she knows how happy she would make me if she would. But she’s told me she won’t. She will wear, as before, a dress to dinner or maybe dress up on occasions such as holidays or Christmas.

 

Before you say I shouldn’t be trying to change her, I bought them for casual wear, she knew that, we agreed she’d return them if she didn’t want them as they were expensive and I would have accepted that. I would have been disappointed at my girlfriend only ever wearing trousers but I would have accepted it.

 

Now, I’m disappointed and I feel a bit of a mug too. Not just for spending money needlessly but also because I had believed one thing to be true while the reality of it was the opposite.

 

It blew up a couple of weeks ago and we came closer than before to fighting. We’ve agreed to put it behind us and move on but as I say, I’m broken hearted by it.

 

I’d appreciate your thoughts…

[Malenfant]

if she didnt ask you to buy them for her, and she didnt get to choose them, you shouldnt be surprised if she doesnt want to wear them.

 

Maybe she thought she would, or maybe she didnt want to offend you by returning all of them.

 

All i can say is i'd be p*ssed if my H chose which clothes for me to wear and told me he'd prefer it if i wore dresses as opposed to trousers.

 

My H gets no say in what i wear, of course i ask him about stuff i've chosen to wear, but he would never advise me on what to put on, he knows better than that!

 

I'm sure offending was not your intention, and you genuinely believed you were helping, but it would have been nicer if you had given her the money and allowed her to choose what she wanted.

[quankanne]

your intentions might have been good, but the message behind it sucks – like Mal, if my husband "suggested" how I should dress 24/7, I'd rip him a new one. Because my clothing selection is about MY comfort, not his vanity. And I'm guessing that's why your gal prefers trousers to dresses or skirts: It's what SHE feels comfortable in.

 

mind you, I am open to suggestion from him (and others) if it's a situation I'm not sure how to dress, and I appreciate input because in the end, it benefits me. In fact, my husband and I have an agreement that he can dress as casually as he wants, but if it's a serious event, I help him pick out appropriate attire. Because we both prefer comfort over style, I try to make sure he's got a couple of nice, dress-casual style outfits for those occasions ...

 

on the other hand, there *was* the boyfriend I worked for, got down and dirty and sweaty helping him with his business, who made the dumbass comment, "you're not exactly a fashion plate, are you?" that completely pissed me off. First off, he wasn't paying me enough to dress to the nines, secondly, it wasn't as if good clothing was needed to do dirty work. It's that kind of attitude people resent.

 

like I said, your intentions might have been good, but the message behind them really needs working on.

[thebigdoob]

Hi girls and thanks for responding. I didn’t set out to offend her nor you for that matter and honestly, this is not a sexist discussion as far as I’m concerned. As I said I respect every woman’s right to wear what she wants.

 

Truth is, she feels I choose great clothes for her and as a result we’ve said we’d break tradition and I’ll help choose her wedding dress with her.

 

As I said I don’t always get it right and she’s returned some items. I’d expect most women to prefer to choose their own clothes but she honestly likes what I choose and yes, I think she does enjoy getting dressed up occasionally.

 

I don’t expect her to wear dresses or skirts every day but these were bought on agreement for occasional wear although I feel they never will be worn.

 

I guess my point is not about the clothing but it is instead more about a misunderstanding. And while the money isn’t important to me at all, I don’t think I’d consciously allow someone buy me something I would never use.

 

And while I’m mourning how I will spent my days looking at this woman whom I adore, in trousers mainly, I would have advised you and all women to ditch the trousers but I don’t think there’s many men who feel as strongly as me about it so, I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you!

[Malenfant]

Hi girls and thanks for responding. I didn’t set out to offend her nor you for that matter and honestly, this is not a sexist discussion as far as I’m concerned. As I said I respect every woman’s right to wear what she wants.

 

TBH i dont think i said anything in my post to indicate i was offended.

 

Truth is, she feels I choose great clothes for her and as a result we’ve said we’d break tradition and I’ll help choose her wedding dress with her.

 

You're kidding? right? sounds like you've made this woman feel so bad about her own taste that you're taking away her confidence.

I wonder how much of this is in her agreement?

 

As I said I don’t always get it right and she’s returned some items. I’d expect most women to prefer to choose their own clothes but she honestly likes what I choose and yes, I think she does enjoy getting dressed up occasionally.

 

i'm sure she does.

 

I don’t expect her to wear dresses or skirts every day but these were bought on agreement for occasional wear although I feel they never will be worn.

 

how can you make an agreement about when she's to wear what you want? I hate to break this to you but you dont have any say in what she wears. that she allows you to is beyond my comprehension TBH

 

I guess my point is not about the clothing but it is instead more about a misunderstanding. And while the money isn’t important to me at all, I don’t think I’d consciously allow someone buy me something I would never use.

 

maybe if you found the other person to be controlling you might find it easier to just let them have their way

 

And while I’m mourning how I will spent my days looking at this woman whom I adore, in trousers mainly, I would have advised you and all women to ditch the trousers but I don’t think there’s many men who feel as strongly as me about it so, I wouldn’t worry about that if I were you!

 

dont worry, we wont

[thebigdoob]

I can only thank you for your excellent reply!

 

I honestly smiled with delight reading it shouting “Go on girl”!

 

But I didn’t start the thread to start a sexist showdown. Thanks for putting me in my place but I don’t think you got what I was saying.

 

I love her, we’re to marry and I will spend the rest of my life with her. So, a pair of jeans won’t change that. I don’t know what could change how much respect I have for this woman but it would take more than a pair of jeans. Or the few bob wasted on skirts for her.

 

Ok, I have some old fashioned views but at the same time, I would argue that equality equals diversity and because I find women more attractive in skirts, I don’t think it unreasonable to say that to the woman I love. (Just for the record, I bought knee length skirts for her)

 

I think I’m questioning myself as much as anything else in all this because I can’t help but wonder if I have despite knowing better, seemed to her to be trying to change her somehow. Never my intention but is that what happened? Or was I misled? Personally I think the answer lies somewhere in between.

 

Thanks for indulging me but the bliss around here, so long and so secure somehow experienced a disturbance.

[2sure]

Its sweet and thoughtful of you to buy her clothes. It is also great communication for you to tell her what you like. Even better that you dont mind accepting whatever she prefers to wear herself. It sounds as though the two if you have come up with a good compromise - she dresses to your preference for dinner and dates, and to her own preference otherwise.

 

If the issue is, as you say, that its not that she isnt wearing the clothes but that she could have returned them and the money would not have been wasted...Just call it up to she didnt want to hurt your feelings. This happens all the time when people we love give us gifts.

 

Now that she knows what your preference is, and doesnt feel forced to give up her own comfort and style ...why not truly be giving and just give some cash when she shops for herself? lol. She is 40.

[Malenfant]

I can only thank you for your excellent reply!

 

I honestly smiled with delight reading it shouting “Go on girl”!

 

But I didn’t start the thread to start a sexist showdown. Thanks for putting me in my place but I don’t think you got what I was saying.

 

I love her, we’re to marry and I will spend the rest of my life with her. So, a pair of jeans won’t change that. I don’t know what could change how much respect I have for this woman but it would take more than a pair of jeans. Or the few bob wasted on skirts for her.

 

Ok, I have some old fashioned views but at the same time, I would argue that equality equals diversity and because I find women more attractive in skirts, I don’t think it unreasonable to say that to the woman I love. (Just for the record, I bought knee length skirts for her)

 

I think I’m questioning myself as much as anything else in all this because I can’t help but wonder if I have despite knowing better, seemed to her to be trying to change her somehow. Never my intention but is that what happened? Or was I misled? Personally I think the answer lies somewhere in between.

 

Thanks for indulging me but the bliss around here, so long and so secure somehow experienced a disturbance.

 

haha, no sexism showdown, TBH i was half teasing you

 

i dont doubt your good intentions, giving gifts is a lovely thing to do.

In answer to your actual question, i think 2Sure is right and it was probably a matter of her not wanting to seem ungrateful.

 

We all have tastes, thats a given of course. My H for example has a pair of jeans that i detest! he knows it, but he likes them and i wouldnt ever tell him not wear them.

 

I'd love to have a load of cash to go out shopping with/for him.

I think alot of it is that the people we love and find attractive often do not see what we do when they look in the mirror, and we want them to see what we see. we want them to see how gorgeous they are.

 

However, it can run a fine line if they feel we are trying to change them.

we see it as 'enhancing' but they may not. its all about how people perceive our intentions.

 

LOL at 'bliss' believe me, that was not a disturbance!!

Edited January 14, 2010 by Malenfant

[thebigdoob]

Thanks 2sure.

 

It is a good comprimise and I have suggested she give the unwanteds to charity.

 

She knows she can shop herself, we share our money. Not that we're loaded. Not that that matters, I think it's awful to waste money.

 

And as you'd expect, I do think it's a waste of money when women spend it on trousers. But that's just my opinion...

[Malenfant]

And as you'd expect, I do think it's a waste of money when women spend it on trousers. But that's just my opinion...

 

he's fishing! cheeky man lol. i wont take the bait.

[thebigdoob]

Hey Melenfant, again, an excellent reply!

 

But why not? Get your husband's jeans and bin them? If it was reversed, would you not appreciate seeing what others see in the mirror?

 

Don't get me wrong my g/f is beautiful and always looks great but the problem is eh, well mine. I don't like trousers. I know that's unreasonable and I wouldn't expect anyone to agree with me but such is life.

 

But why is it sexist, politically incorrect, insensitive or whatever, if you say you don't like your husband's trousers or I say I just don't like those things on my girlfriend at all?

[thebigdoob]

I've never been fishing in my life!

[Malenfant]

But why not? Get your husband's jeans and bin them? If it was reversed, would you not appreciate seeing what others see in the mirror?

 

i'd never dream of throwing away someone else's possessions. my opinions are my own, but they are his jeans! they belong to him!

no matter what i did, my H would never see the perfection that i see.

He knows i think he's gorgeous, with or without his jeans!

 

Don't get me wrong my g/f is beautiful and always looks great but the problem is eh, well mine. I don't like trousers. I know that's unreasonable and I wouldn't expect anyone to agree with me but such is life.

 

you're completely within your rights to not like trousers on women. i personally dont like long hair on men, thats just me!

 

But why is it sexist, politically incorrect, insensitive or whatever, if you say you don't like your husband's trousers or I say I just don't like those things on my girlfriend at all?

 

Like i said, its fine to have preferences, whatever they may be.

The only time its wrong is when you make the other person feel unattractive.

preferences have a place, but they shouldnt come before consideration for another person's feelings. if you over step that mark, its just not being nice.

its just about being nice and respecting that people like different stuff than you.

[Ronni_W]

I don't like trousers. I know that's unreasonable

Your personal dislikes, preferences and likes are not unreasonable.

 

What is unreasonable is you wanting to force others to go against their own personal likes, preferences and what they find comfortable...just so that you can always be pleased.

 

And it's unreasonable for you to turn their unwillingness to be controlled by your dislikes and preferences into an issue about them not caring about you being happy. You're making their personal likes and preferences mean something about how they feel about you, and that is not only unreasonable but also certifiable (or ought to be .)

 

It's a control issue and power struggle, is at the heart of it. Whether or not you're willing to see it. Women wearing (or not wearing) pants has nothing to do with "fashion" or "love".

 

You ARE asking her to change; you're NOT accepting her personal likes and preferences. And there is sexism evident when you refer to the women responding to your post as "girls".

You "smiled with delight", indeed -- we are so cute when we get our dander up, aren't we?

 

Return all the unworn clothes, promise to lay off her casual wear wardrobe, ask for her forgiveness...and then continue to have your happy relationship. Why not?

Edited January 14, 2010 by Ronni_W

[Malenfant]

You "smiled with delight", indeed -- we are so cute when we get our dander up, aren't we?

 

nice one.

[thebigdoob]

Hey Malenfant,

 

I’d kill you if you threw my trousers out as I’d expect my other half would me but what’s wrong in dreaming about it. No, saying it would be far better if they went?

 

Respect in my opinion is the foundation of any relationship as it is in mine with my beautiful bride to be. I think though that real respect requires honesty. Does anybody here object to me being honest?

[thebigdoob]

Ronni you're wrong. Thanks for the reply by the way. But you are wrong, I've suggested giving the unwanteds to charity rather than waste them. That wasn't the issue. I am not trying to control her, far from it...

[Malenfant]

Hey Malenfant,

 

I’d kill you if you threw my trousers out as I’d expect my other half would me but what’s wrong in dreaming about it. No, saying it would be far better if they went?

 

Respect in my opinion is the foundation of any relationship as it is in mine with my beautiful bride to be. I think though that real respect requires honesty. Does anybody here object to me being honest?

 

hey, we're not the ones going out with you

 

be honest, be blunt. but dont come crying to us when you make your lady mad.

theres a difference between being honest and downright disrespectful.

 

and no, i dont fantasise about throwing out my H's clothes, it wouldnt give me any pleasure. i dont attach that amount of importance to what he wears, and I dont think he is less attractive in said jeans, i just dont like the design. it doesnt detract from him in any way at all.

 

does your partner wearing trousers detract from her attractiveness for you?

Honestly?

[thebigdoob]

No Malenfant, she is the most beautifull woman man has ever set eyes on. Her body is as good an hour glass possible. But I'm with her for her most brilliant mind. How she fits seemlessly into my life. How she inspires me through her immense kindness and grace. For all she's taught me. Her tact. Her thoughtfulness. Her fun. Her honesty. How she'll enjoy reading this. How we'll laugh at mu maddness...

[Malenfant]

No Malenfant, she is the most beautifull woman man has ever set eyes on. Her body is as good an hour glass possible. But I'm with her for her most brilliant mind. How she fits seemlessly into my life. How she inspires me through her immense kindness and grace. For all she's taught me. Her tact. Her thoughtfulness. Her fun. Her honesty. How she'll enjoy reading this. How we'll laugh at mu maddness...

 

exactly!! so why bother with insignificant issues like skirts or trousers!!

come on, you know it makes sense!!

[thebigdoob]

Because I'm somehow conditioned! Because I'm disapointed. Because i am???

[Malenfant]

Because I'm somehow conditioned! Because I'm disapointed. Because i am???

 

dont you dare say you're dissapointed when you have such a lovely lady, shame on you

[thebigdoob]

Oh get real. I'm entitled to my opinion. She'll be home soon and will, i imagine, read all this anyhow. And if we're being honest she'd be surprised if I was to delight in her wearing jeans!

[Malenfant]

Oh get real. I'm entitled to my opinion. She'll be home soon and will, i imagine, read all this anyhow. And if we're being honest she'd be surprised if I was to delight in her wearing jeans!

 

My point was that there are so many, many people who would absolutely jump at the chance of a lovely person to call their own, who have no-one.

and there you are whining about trousers!!

 

while your opinion is, of course something that you are entitled to, you cant justify it as a real reason to be dissapointed in your relationship in any way. thats just ungratefull.

 

Reality check!! have that!!

[thebigdoob]

I promise you I am not "dissapointed in my relationship", I never said anything of the sort...