Back with cheating wife

[anne1707]

Glad you know my life... not!

 

I've been there *twice* and have t-shirts and raised the children alone. I'm all for reconciliations... realistic ones that is.

 

Believe it or not, I'd really like Tim to be in a solid marriage with a spouse that doesn't trash the relationship when it suits her.

 

He will figure it out in time or she will show him. Tick-tock...

 

Well seeing as I know of more than one marriage that has been posted about on LS where there has been a successful recovery after the wife's affair, it seems to me that there is a chance for Tim and his wife.

 

By the way - just to be open - I was a WS and am successfully going through recovery with my H

[Simon Attwood]

If she truly changed then she would climb mountains for you and the marriage.

 

That's Fairy Tale. This is real life.

[FreeNow]

That's Fairy Tale. This is real life.

 

As a spouse who climbed those mountains I say, within reason, it does happen all the time.

 

The real kicker, I used to counsel on marriage among other things. I've experienced some and seen a whole lot over the many years.

 

Some reconciliations are beating a dead horse. Until old paint gets up by its own, effort is fruitless. C'mon, why do you think the Homer method works so well? One key element is that it sparks a change in the WS. Think carefully how that is effective and what goes on in the mind of a WS. The full effect is when reconciliation has a shot. Half doses only gloss over the deep, underlying issues.

[FreeNow]

Well seeing as I know of more than one marriage that has been posted about on LS where there has been a successful recovery after the wife's affair, it seems to me that there is a chance for Tim and his wife.

 

By the way - just to be open - I was a WS and am successfully going through recovery with my H

 

Don't get me wrong. It can happen and under the right circumstances it has a good chance of success. Given the bits of information we can know via this venue, it is my opinion that his has a very slim one. IMHO, this one isn't going to beat the odds since the WS has not had the epiphany she needs.

Edited January 22, 2010 by FreeNow
first post was rude

[FreeNow]

Tim,

 

Please don't misunderstand my intentions here. I can post until my fingers fall off about my own experiences in life and they will remain simply that; my own experiences.

 

If you feel you must do this then who in the world am I? You do what you feel you must because it is your face you must look at in the mirror.

 

We all must experience life our own way and it wouldn't be ours otherwise.

 

Except for replying only as necessary in your thread, I'll back out. I've expressed my own opinions. They aren't more or less valid than others but they are merely my opinions.

 

You seem to be a good man with a kind heart. As stated before, I sincerely wish you the best.

[Steadfast]

 

You are all f*cking hopeless, meaning you lack faith.

 

 

I'd say faith is reserved for those who don't lie, cheat and betray their spouses. The lack of faith you describe is reserved for those who do. I do believe you have it backwards.

[tnttim]

Sorry about the hopeless response, I had the flu that day and was very crabby. No I don't take out my anger on my family anymore, since I stopped drinking my anger has subsided considerably. She went to the doc and got the meds she said she really needed, not the one's that get her high. When we were separated she had pnuemonia and even though I was bitter, I helped her out. We had lost that compassion for each other during the M. When I got the flu she did the same to me. She's booking a appointment with a pych to try to solve what I call her under problem (the inner problem she has)

Thanks to everyone who says I need luck, or I don't have a shot, because I love being the underdog. I am facing reality contrary to popular belief, and I know this is not going to be easy. I want to know, when is a M ever easy? Besides I would travel through hell and back for my family. My selfish feelings are dead and gone, and I have confidence in the person I've become. It's the one's that dwell on the A who fail, it's the one's that can't let go of the past who fail. It's the one's who refuse to change that fail. I've done all that I can and if she cheats again I am confident I will find a new woman that appreciates what I bring to the table.

[jesslindy]

Hello Tim,

 

This is kind of a touchy subject, I understand. I think what this all boils down to is your situation is VERY RECENT. Myself, and many others are years down the road from where you are at. Doesn't make anybody right or wrong, just a bit more experienced that's all.

 

The naysayers to your situation, which I tend to edge with, have just "been there-done that" so to speak. They know what's down the road, you don't.

 

I was exactly like you when I first reconciled with my wife, the "new love" was awesome. But it was all on the surface. It clouds your vision. It clouds your reality. A reality that will start handing you a fat dose of THE TRUTH later on.

 

To say you don't know what MC could do for you right now, to me is crazy talk. You need to be in MC, taking your turns communicating, and really listening to what she is saying. Still blaming you, run. Talking about how YOU make HER feel, run. Anything said that can point toward SELFISHNESS, RUN!!! When people tell you to run, don't take it as running from your problems. Because from everything you have said, you want to change your faults. AWESOME, hardest thing in the world to do is look at yourself in the mirror, find your points of emotional POS'ness and fixing it!!!But rather think of it as running to new land where you are the man, and deserving of a life without cheating, lies, deception, cover-ups, and so on.

 

I see so much of myself in your posts, in how you think, and how I was when I first reconciled with my wife.

 

You say you've read all the books? Books on apology, books on cheating, books on her needs, books on your needs, books on marraige building in general. Than you should know what to look for?? Do you?? Do you know what questions to ask yourself when it pertains to how she reacts to you?? I hope so.

 

I know/knew the questions to ask. Even asked them (A hundred times). I didn't answer them honestly because of my clouded vision being caused by the newness, and having my family back together. Now years later I am facing my imminent, maybe even inevitable, Divorce.

 

Quite honestly, you may be the poster man for how to deal with a wayward spouse. Awesome, really. You say SHE came back to YOU. Great. Just because she came back has nothing to do with it. Do you know the real reasons?

 

If you can reconcile with your wife, I think that is awesome. I really do. I, like you, would stop at nothing to have my family back together. But do not get back together because of a "Family Dream". Ask yourself the questions, answer them while you focus on the REALITY of what's going on.

[FreeNow]

It's the one's that dwell on the A who fail, it's the one's that can't let go of the past who fail. It's the one's who refuse to change that fail.

 

You write some great stuff and then you write crap like above. That bit is worthless. Not everyone with failed marriages post affair are ones that refused to let go of the past. Not all affairs are in any way caused by the faithful spouse. Some spouses are morally deficient, selfish, etc and will simply cheat regardless of how 'good' their partner treats them or the relationship was.

 

I've done all that I can and if she cheats again I am confident I will find a new woman that appreciates what I bring to the table.

 

IMHO, that's the good head on your shoulders. Sounds like a solid plan for you.

 

 

 

* I'm trying like hell to stay outta this thread! lol

[tnttim]

You write some great stuff and then you write crap like above. That bit is worthless. Not everyone with failed marriages post affair are ones that refused to let go of the past. Not all affairs are in any way caused by the faithful spouse. Some spouses are morally deficient, selfish, etc and will simply cheat regardless of how 'good' their partner treats them or the relationship was.

 

It's not crap, it's my inability to write a short concise answer. What I meant was: I don't see any recon working without a clean slate, forgive, and try to forget. (Hopefully the forget eventually happens)

Yes there are POS spouses, and I agree you should run. With me, my wife's slate is clean, it's up to her to decide if she wants to dirty it. So far so good.

[samspade]

You have very selfish feelings Sam. Going back to my wife is backwards, she came back to me. Yes I took her back, but I didn't come running to her. You are not seeing the big picture here, I'm not a quiter. If she stayed with OM I wouldn't care less. I had moved on and changed by then, read my posts. I have the feeling you read my first post on here and went off of that, I do that frequently too. You are looking at this like she said I'm going to f*ck my family today and bang another guy. This process took years to get to that point. So should I discount my role in her cheating, yes if I'm selfish, and fear change. No, if I'm a real man and stand up for what I know is right. I made huge mistakes throughout the M and now I fixed them. If she cheats again Sam, I will defintely take your advice and kick her sorry a*s to the curb. But I think, f*ck that I know I aided her in cheating.

 

I had a longer answer planned, but let me say that unless you cheated first, or worse, then her cheating is not your fault.

 

I commend you for recognizing how your behavior led to her romantic interest in you plummeting to such a low level that she'd run into the arms of another man, and let that man pound her soft flesh with his rod. When a woman cheats, it is the culmination of a long thought process, triggered by her diminished view of her man. Eventually, she'll find reasons to blame you so she can rationalize her actions. You sound like you've bought into her rationales hook, line, and sinker. She went looking for emotional AND sexual satisfaction she could no longer get from you. You may have employed some psychological jiu jitsu to woo her back for now, but you're only covering up your utter beta-ness, and pretty soon it will come shining through. By sheer virtue of taking her back, you have demonstrated to her that you are a slave to her V, and willing to compromise your self-respect for it. I guarantee that deep down, your wife knows she has all the power, and she will eventually be repulsed by this knowledge.

 

My feelings are not selfish; I'm actually looking out for you. You are not properly empowered yet. You're a big man for forgiving, but you're not respecting yourself enough here. You're blaming yourself for her transgressions, and giving her a "clean slate." You're going to work on things. It's a cliche that relationships are or should be hard work. The best ones are - mostly - easy. If you're working too hard, you'll just get diminishing returns.

 

Better to find someone new.

[Steadfast]

 

When a woman cheats, it is the culmination of a long thought process, triggered by her diminished view of her man. Eventually, she'll find reasons to blame you so she can rationalize her actions. You sound like you've bought into her rationales hook, line, and sinker. She went looking for emotional AND sexual satisfaction she could no longer get from you. You may have employed some psychological jiu jitsu to woo her back for now, but you're only covering up your utter beta-ness, and pretty soon it will come shining through. By sheer virtue of taking her back, you have demonstrated to her that you are a slave to her V, and willing to compromise your self-respect for it. I guarantee that deep down, your wife knows she has all the power, and she will eventually be repulsed by this knowledge.

 

 

Not taking sides here, but this was pretty much the culmination of my thoughts and reasoning too. Month after month after month I spent trying to gauge my ex-wife's interest and intent, only to come back to the same set of realities. Unlike Tim's wife, mine didn't make good on her promise of returning to the home and me. And when I finally realized that her motivation was based on lessening her pain and her guilt -and not our needs- I knew I had dodged a huge bullet. Cementing that into place was discovering that she had developed feelings for yet another man (the third that I know of since her initial affair, this one married) and was back to being 'unsure'. Please understand that this in no way has anything to do with Tim and his situation, but yet seems closer to a 'normal' situation.

 

The bottom line is, when a wife lets things get this far it's almost impossible to restore the love and devotion that existed before. In fact, one is left to wonder if it ever existed at all.

[tnttim]

Sam: She is taking full responsibility for the A, she's not blaming me for it. I am blaming myself for being a sh*tty husband. I used to get drunk and tear her down mentally. I would demand a sex schedule. It got so bad she would not tell me anything personal because she was scared I might snap. She fears that will come back as much as I fear she will run away again. I'm guessing you haven't been in a long relationship because you sound adolescent in your responses, but I do understand your point.

 

Steadfast: I thought I would never be able to love and trust my wife again, or any woman for that matter. But here I am, I love her again, and I'm starting to trust her. The thing that scares me is that I may never trust her fully again, but does that diminish my relationship? They say a relationship is built on trust. My only argument to that cliche is another cliche, don't trust anyone not even yourself. HUH

[reboot]

The thing that scares me is that I may never trust her fully again

 

A very wise poster here told me something a couple of years ago when I made a similar post. The more I thought about it the more I realized how true it was. I'd like to share it with you.

 

I kind of look at Trust as a choice, same as I look at Love as a choice. Infidelity takes our blinders off, and we never look at Trust in the same way again. If you think about it, you could start off with somebody new, and there's no way to KNOW that that person is any more innately trustworthy than the formerly wayward partner you already have.

 

For a long time, I made a daily choice to trust actively, to climb out on that limb and test my weight. These days, it's only now and then that I have to remind myself to do it. At the bottom line, I'd lose more in being fearful than I ever would in discovering I'd misplaced my trust... because it would change me at the core. So yeah, it's a risk. But when you think about it... life is full of 'em.

 

There's nothing she can do now to restore your trust. She can be open and honest and transparent, she can make sure she does everything to keep from eroding it further, but she can't really do anything to make you trust her again. Only you can do that.

 

Good luck.

[tnttim]

A poster told me some great advice about trust. He said you are going to want to check up on her. When you do and you find nothing, she gets an A+.

So I am thinking that's how it will go for me. The trust will slowly creep back into to me, bit by bit. If you read my first post on my first thread you will see I didn't trust her blindly anyway. If I did I would have never found out about OM, and I wouldn't be typing this right now. I wrote a little saying one day when I was feeling blue: "You can never mend broken trust, the cracks always show."

[Steadfast]

Sam:

 

Steadfast: I thought I would never be able to love and trust my wife again, or any woman for that matter. But here I am, I love her again, and I'm starting to trust her. The thing that scares me is that I may never trust her fully again, but does that diminish my relationship? They say a relationship is built on trust. My only argument to that cliche is another cliche, don't trust anyone not even yourself. HUH

 

 

The trust is yours to give and hers to keep. One can forgive but can they forget? But since I've never reconciled, it's all speculation on my part.

[tnttim]

The trust is yours to give and hers to keep. One can forgive but can they forget? But since I've never reconciled, it's all speculation on my part.

 

the forget part is the hardest...........