anne1707 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I would really like to talk to you. Feel free to PM me
samspade Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I respect my husband, he interests me and above all else I love him - life is not black and white I will take your word for it since you know your situation and I don't. Personally I would consider an affair/cheating extremely disrespectful, and the end of my relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of men don't think this way, and this mindset is usually rooted in a perceived lack of options or fear of being alone. In part this is because they do not see their situation objectively; they have a lot of emotional investment in their relationship and would rather try to "work things out" than attempt to start anew with a different woman or women who will probably be better for them. When a partner cheats, the relationship has effectively failed, and I'm generally against attempting to resuscitate broken relationships - unless children are involved and the couple feels the need to keep up appearances until they're out of the house. The biggest problem moving forward after an affair is that the aggrieved party will always be wondering when the next breach of trust will occur, and the offender will always have the cheating held over his or her head. Throw into the mix the allure of the aggrieved cheating our of a sense of revenge or justice, or because a precedent has been set, and you have a terribly toxic relationship that is more like a ticking time bomb. The balance of trust that otherwise holds a relationship together is completely out of whack. Some people have said "but he still loves her, what's the problem?" The problem is that his ego won't let him break loose because of the massive emotional investment he's made. The "love" people are speaking of is really fear, fear of cutting someone loose, of standing up for yourself, moving on, and starting over.
reboot Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I can tell you this quite sincerely, until you have been there, you really don't know how you'd feel about it. Most of us think we do, until it happens. I will take your word for it since you know your situation and I don't. Personally I would consider an affair/cheating extremely disrespectful, and the end of my relationship. Unfortunately, a lot of men don't think this way, and this mindset is usually rooted in a perceived lack of options or fear of being alone. In part this is because they do not see their situation objectively; they have a lot of emotional investment in their relationship and would rather try to "work things out" than attempt to start anew with a different woman or women who will probably be better for them. When a partner cheats, the relationship has effectively failed, and I'm generally against attempting to resuscitate broken relationships - unless children are involved and the couple feels the need to keep up appearances until they're out of the house. The biggest problem moving forward after an affair is that the aggrieved party will always be wondering when the next breach of trust will occur, and the offender will always have the cheating held over his or her head. Throw into the mix the allure of the aggrieved cheating our of a sense of revenge or justice, or because a precedent has been set, and you have a terribly toxic relationship that is more like a ticking time bomb. The balance of trust that otherwise holds a relationship together is completely out of whack. Some people have said "but he still loves her, what's the problem?" The problem is that his ego won't let him break loose because of the massive emotional investment he's made. The "love" people are speaking of is really fear, fear of cutting someone loose, of standing up for yourself, moving on, and starting over.
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 SamSpade, some people have more tolerance for BS than you do. I also, as I have gotten older, am not willing to put up with as much. My BS meter is on a hair trigger now!
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Sam. I thought the same way til it happened to me. I could be dating 3 other woman but I couldn't do it. I can't explain why but believe me you never know until it happens to you.
dead-dyke Posted January 16, 2010 Posted January 16, 2010 We made some progress, then things kind of fell apart again (no more affair, just the aftermath I guess). We've been separated for some months now. I had actually decided to start the new year with a divorce, then out of the blue she called and asked if we could talk. And so we did. Now I don't know what to do. I finally got the sincere, broken hearted, tears streaming down her face apology that was all I'd really wanted all along. I also finally got the truth about everything. And the truth turned out to be pretty bizarre. That talk might well have made all the difference two years ago. Now I just don't know. Well..... I only meant to tell you you weren't alone, I didn't really mean to blurt all that out, but as long as I went to the trouble to type it, I guess I'll let it stay. Maybe it will be therapeutic. To answer the other question, I read lots of websites, lots of books. MarriageBuilders.com is good. "Divorce Busters" and "His Needs/Her Needs" were both very good as far as books. I don't really remember them all. In any case, good luck. I for 1, reboot, am glad you left this up. Almost same thing is happening to me right now. And like you, I am through making attempts. You got the apology you always wanted? Same sticking point with me. I think it's too late now. I still shouldn't be the one with the hope. I'm done. I am glad you left it up. I thought I was the only one that had screwed a second chance up. Seems the ex wife is the one.
depressedinwi Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Anne, If I may pry, was it your first affair? The reason I ask is that you indicate that you love and respect your husband. My wife and I are separated (I moved out) after I decided things would never change. She had one physical affair, and she says two emotional affairs. Plus she was drinking daily and refused to get treatment. Now she says she had cut off all ties and I believe that she has stopped drinking. She says she is in weekly IC. She also says she wants us back. I clearly love her but I harbor a lot of anger and resentment that she through away a good life together. Mostly I am okay apart. To the OP, I respect your committment to try again. I hope that it works out. For myself though I have now recieved the heartfelt apologies, many times over in fact, I still have no clear understanding as to why it happened in the first place. Since I don't have that, I doubt I will come back.
patman1 Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 It's great that you are giving your wife a second chance and I hope the best for the both of you. Cheating really does take a huge burden on the marriage, but it's not something you can't overcome. Who knows, it could be for the better. Did your wife apologize and is she trying everything she can to work the marriage out with you? Is there more open communication? These are some of the things that are beneficial for a broken marriage. And if you really love this woman, I recommend marriage counseling. I mean if you're looking into books for counseling, why not a marriage counseling where you can minus the reading and get an actual outside perspective of the marriage. This can really open your eyes and maybe get a better understanding on why the A started in the first place? A begins almost always because of psychological reasons. Keep us posted and good luck
AppleGirl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I reconciled after an affair. Worst move ever. I should of let sleeping dogs lie and went on my merry way when I had the chance. Instead, we added 2 more children to the mix. Add 8 lost years that I'll never get back....and you get the picture. We went to a year and a half of therapy together after this affair as well marriage counselling with our priest. Wow, if I could go back and speak to myself back then, I would say "Run. Run far, far away and find someone else because you will never move past this. You will just end up divorced anyway, so stop trying to be a hero and don't stay for the children. They will end up worse off in the end"
2sunny Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 there is a new thread started by Sweet-T in the OM/OW forum... she is married having an affair with another MM. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217932/ if you really want to see why it's important to find out what the truth MIGHT be - take a look at her story. the story looks the same as many others - but she does give a peek at what it looks like when the truth is revealed... the lies and cover up are expressed in her story from her side as well as what her OMM's approach is to his M. the reasons a spouse keeps the truth from the other are many... and the reasons are clear why the truth must be revealed if the M is to begin a healing process. when the cover up is so big - and the hiding serves a purpose - it is always detrimental to the M. take a look.
hopelesslylost Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I just wanted to say that yes, I have found a book that is helping us get passed "our" issues of "the cheating wife" and yes that would be yours truely!! ME! The book is called fireproof, it is also a best seller movie-dvd! Hope it helps! Az.
FreeNow Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Sam. I thought the same way til it happened to me. I could be dating 3 other woman but I couldn't do it. I can't explain why but believe me you never know until it happens to you. I've followed your story from the beginning, as well as other stories, and registered specifically to post a reply... It did happen to me; twice, as in two marriages. I wasted almost 20 years in the second one. Samspade was 100% spot on and wrote it better than could I. I can explain the "why" from your quoted post. You haven't given things enough time. You used the Homer method and went on a quest to reconcile. The impetus to reconcile needed to come from her. If it doesn't then it isn't real. You are in a sense rescuing her from herself. This is a huge mistake, IMHO. I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world because you really are going to need it.
2sunny Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I've followed your story from the beginning, as well as other stories, and registered specifically to post a reply... It did happen to me; twice, as in two marriages. I wasted almost 20 years in the second one. Samspade was 100% spot on and wrote it better than could I. I can explain the "why" from your quoted post. You haven't given things enough time. You used the Homer method and went on a quest to reconcile. The impetus to reconcile needed to come from her. If it doesn't then it isn't real. You are in a sense rescuing her from herself. This is a huge mistake, IMHO. I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world because you really are going to need it. i agree with the underlined part and have tried to express this as well. SHE needs to repair the damage she caused, after she does the work to find out what made her do it to begin with... it is her role to play and you have essentially removed that from her. seems very back wards. YOU cannot make this better for HER - that is HER part in this.
meerkat stew Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Since you have made the decision to try again, the best advice I can give is to distance yourself from net-based resources discussing cheating and cheating stories. It will keep you dwelling on the act and prevent you from moving forward. Same goes for books on cheating. Enjoy the current love and grow it, go NC with cheating thinking.
Mythrias Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Its great that your giving her a second chance but let me say this from my opinion. I have been cheated on a lot. But one particular time has probably hurt me the most. I was in love with him. Did everything for him. We were happy. at least i thought we were. Until i started noticing that he kept hiding his messages from me. He would only talk on his phone for a certain length of time when i was around. The number was the same but no name. I got fed up with it. So i called the number. A woman picked up. I pretended to be a solicter. I followed him one day. The day he said he had a doctors appointment and seen them go into her home. I was out on her lawn the whole time just waiting. When they finally came out i confronted him. Come to find out 2 out of the 3 years we were together he had been with her. And get this. They were getting engaged. She knew bout me. She didnt care. Once a cheater is always a cheater. But this time it will get rougher when you take her back. Youll start having fights. When she leaves for a few amounts of time youll start wondering. Start checking out her things. you both need help. To work it out.. lay it all out.
Author tnttim Posted January 20, 2010 Author Posted January 20, 2010 I was in love with him. Did everything for him. We were happy. at least i thought we were. This is the common thread I see in each failed M and recon. I did everything for the other person. This is where I differ. I don't do everything for her, that's not my job as a spouse. She is a grown woman and she is capable of making herself happy. When I sensed her pulling away, about a year and half ago, I became the doormat husband. I tried to make her life so easy that she wouldn't or couldn't leave. I didn't realize I have up my manhood in the process. I didn't realize I was showing her I would put up with anything, and still be here waiting for her. Then I was shocked when she took it to the limit and cheated on me. I can see where my follies where. I love my W, but I know now that I don't need her to be able to love. I can love someone else just as easy. I can be happy all alone as well. Once the fear was gone I regained all my confidence. When I realized that, that's when W wanted me back. I was exuding confidence, and no fear for the future. That's why she wanted me, as well as another female I was talking to. The second I changed myself, I changed others perspective on me, I became a wanted man. If this recon doesn't work I don't care. I can be happy no matter what. That's what I want my kids to see, that you don't need anything to be happy, when you find happiness everything.
samspade Posted January 20, 2010 Posted January 20, 2010 Sam. I thought the same way til it happened to me. I could be dating 3 other woman but I couldn't do it. I can't explain why but believe me you never know until it happens to you. Again, this is because of your ego investment. While I understand that this is happening to you and not to me, it is a cop out to tell someone that "you never know until it happens to you." If someone has cancer and is trying to decide whether to live with it or have it removed, well, I know what my advice would be. I'm not saying it's easy - quite the opposite. It's very difficult to adhere to a self-respecting code which qualifies or disqualifies someone based on her behavior toward you. But this is the point. The sad truth is she has lost respect for you, evidenced by her cheating, and you've made it worse by taking her back. It sounds like you recovered your mojo in the meanwhile, but simply by taking her back you have diminished yourself and are likely in for another few brutal rounds. You have one-itis, plain and simple, or you wouldn't be settling for somebody who completely disrespected you. I guess we have a difference of opinion so I'll leave you alone about it. My $.02.
Author tnttim Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 I've followed your story from the beginning, as well as other stories, and registered specifically to post a reply... It did happen to me; twice, as in two marriages. I wasted almost 20 years in the second one. Samspade was 100% spot on and wrote it better than could I. I can explain the "why" from your quoted post. You haven't given things enough time. You used the Homer method and went on a quest to reconcile. The impetus to reconcile needed to come from her. If it doesn't then it isn't real. You are in a sense rescuing her from herself. This is a huge mistake, IMHO. I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world because you really are going to need it. I would agree but she came to me. I was emotionally checked by that time. I was ready to be single parent again. She has since admitted fault, confessed, and opened up to me. We are very strong right now, and I know what I have to do to keep it that way. I know I can't control her, but I can control myself now. I am also more open, and she is more apt to come to me with her problems because she is not getting judged by me. Luck has very little to do with this, or any relationship for that matter.
Author tnttim Posted January 21, 2010 Author Posted January 21, 2010 Again, this is because of your ego investment. While I understand that this is happening to you and not to me, it is a cop out to tell someone that "you never know until it happens to you." If someone has cancer and is trying to decide whether to live with it or have it removed, well, I know what my advice would be. I'm not saying it's easy - quite the opposite. It's very difficult to adhere to a self-respecting code which qualifies or disqualifies someone based on her behavior toward you. But this is the point. The sad truth is she has lost respect for you, evidenced by her cheating, and you've made it worse by taking her back. It sounds like you recovered your mojo in the meanwhile, but simply by taking her back you have diminished yourself and are likely in for another few brutal rounds. You have one-itis, plain and simple, or you wouldn't be settling for somebody who completely disrespected you. I guess we have a difference of opinion so I'll leave you alone about it. My $.02. You have very selfish feelings Sam. Going back to my wife is backwards, she came back to me. Yes I took her back, but I didn't come running to her. You are not seeing the big picture here, I'm not a quiter. If she stayed with OM I wouldn't care less. I had moved on and changed by then, read my posts. I have the feeling you read my first post on here and went off of that, I do that frequently too. You are looking at this like she said I'm going to f*ck my family today and bang another guy. This process took years to get to that point. So should I discount my role in her cheating, yes if I'm selfish, and fear change. No, if I'm a real man and stand up for what I know is right. I made huge mistakes throughout the M and now I fixed them. If she cheats again Sam, I will defintely take your advice and kick her sorry a*s to the curb. But I think, f*ck that I know I aided her in cheating.
2sunny Posted January 21, 2010 Posted January 21, 2010 You have very selfish feelings Sam. Going back to my wife is backwards, she came back to me. Yes I took her back, but I didn't come running to her. You are not seeing the big picture here, I'm not a quiter. If she stayed with OM I wouldn't care less. I had moved on and changed by then, read my posts. I have the feeling you read my first post on here and went off of that, I do that frequently too. You are looking at this like she said I'm going to f*ck my family today and bang another guy. This process took years to get to that point. So should I discount my role in her cheating, yes if I'm selfish, and fear change. No, if I'm a real man and stand up for what I know is right. I made huge mistakes throughout the M and now I fixed them. If she cheats again Sam, I will defintely take your advice and kick her sorry a*s to the curb. But I think, f*ck that I know I aided her in cheating. i wouldn't describe it this way... i would more describe it as... you played a role in the M (and possibly the breakdown) and she made choices that were detrimental to a healthy M. big difference - IMO.
FreeNow Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 (edited) I would agree but she came to me. I was emotionally checked by that time. I was ready to be single parent again. She has since admitted fault, confessed, and opened up to me. We are very strong right now, and I know what I have to do to keep it that way. I know I can't control her, but I can control myself now. I am also more open, and she is more apt to come to me with her problems because she is not getting judged by me. Luck has very little to do with this, or any relationship for that matter. And do you think that this is unique to your relationship? 'Luck' is an expression... Tim, she lied and cheated... that's fact. Perhaps not this year or even next year; just wait. She'll check out again. It's your life to live as you choose. When she checks out again, near or far into the future, remember what you wrote above. Edited January 22, 2010 by FreeNow extra 'you'
Author tnttim Posted January 22, 2010 Author Posted January 22, 2010 And do you think that this is unique to your relationship? 'Luck' is an expression... Tim, she lied and cheated... that's fact. Perhaps not this year or even next year; just wait. She'll check out again. It's your life to live as you choose. When she checks out again, near or far into the future, remember what you wrote above. You are all f*cking hopeless, meaning you lack faith.
anne1707 Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 And do you think that this is unique to your relationship? 'Luck' is an expression... Tim, she lied and cheated... that's fact. Perhaps not this year or even next year; just wait. She'll check out again. It's your life to live as you choose. When she checks out again, near or far into the future, remember what you wrote above. Some marriages do genuinely recover from an affair. If the problems leading up to the affair as well as those caused by it are properly and openly discussed and addressed, then a marriage can succeed. To say that it is only a matter of time until.... is making an attack just because you don't agree with the idea of taking a WS back. The fact is that the OP has taken his wife back and is working on his marriage because he and his wife both want to.
FreeNow Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 You are all f*cking hopeless, meaning you lack faith. Lol... You can't control yourself with an anonymous poster on the internet. How well do you think you will do when your wife is out fecking other guys when your life is behind the eight ball having invested more years after the 'reconciliation'? Grow up or she will eat your lunch one day with another man at your dining table! This is the voice of reason. If she truly changed then she would climb mountains for you and the marriage. You would practically do the same for her, right? Well, that's because you still have at least a shred of love and respect for her. If she had any for you then you wouldn't have to coax her back.
FreeNow Posted January 22, 2010 Posted January 22, 2010 To say that it is only a matter of time until.... is making an attack just because you don't agree with the idea of taking a WS back. The fact is that the OP has taken his wife back and is working on his marriage because he and his wife both want to. Glad you know my life... not! I've been there *twice* and have t-shirts and raised the children alone. I'm all for reconciliations... realistic ones that is. Believe it or not, I'd really like Tim to be in a solid marriage with a spouse that doesn't trash the relationship when it suits her. He will figure it out in time or she will show him. Tick-tock...
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