tnttim Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I don't have any real problems as of now. I'm just trying to be proactive instead of reactive. Has or is anyone reconciling with spouse? Are there any books you have read or websites that helped with this process?
samspade Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 No problems as of now...just wait, they'll crop up again. Get out while you still can.
Author tnttim Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 No problems as of now...just wait, they'll crop up again. Get out while you still can. Great advice, but I deal with my problems not run from them. Good luck having a meaningful relationship with that attitude. You can't run from your problems they always catch up with you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you looked in the mirror lately and pointed your finger at the only cause of and solution to your problems. ME
samspade Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 With all respect, why should your wife cheating on you be YOUR problem? How will it catch up with you if you move on? Cheating on a spouse is not a recipe for a "meaningful relationship." It's a betrayal of the meaning you thought it had. I can see maybe holding it together for your children's sake. Do you two have kids? However, she sounds like an unfit mother, based on the fact that you can't trust her. You should read your own signature.
Simon Attwood Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Are there any books you have read or websites that helped with this process? So many that i couldn't possibly begin to start listing them here
TaraMaiden Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 "Remember when you point one finger at others, three more are pointing back at you". You seem to have a very resentful attitude, coupled with a mild superiority complex that 'wow, she's back with you, whilst all the other LSers haven't managed to get their spouses back!' Listen - the number of marriages that ultimately fail as a result of an affair, in comparison to those which survive is extremely low. But attitudes have to soften, compromises have to be agreed upon, and chips have to be dislodged and shucked off the shoulder... you still come across as angry and judgemental, and you're taking it out on others. Try to be a little more approachable, because the more you persist with this attitude, the more I am inclined to think you're giving your wife total hell for this.... which really just means you're going to end up driving her away again, no matter what your external manner. The truth will out, and your true colours will come out. And venting here too...it's not conducive to a calm state... Chill, ok?
samspade Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 "Remember when you point one finger at others, three more are pointing back at you". You seem to have a very resentful attitude, coupled with a mild superiority complex that 'wow, she's back with you, whilst all the other LSers haven't managed to get their spouses back!' This part wasn't meant for me, was it? I just want to empower this guy to consider his options and happiness. OP, you are always going to have this pecadillo to hold over her head. She, meanwhile, has already set a precedent by committing it; repeating the offense will be no problem if you give her cause. The only way (I think) you can keep things stable is if you control the frame 100%. However, she has already disrespected you, so she probably isn't likely to regain respect, especially since you are taking her back after she cheated on you. And if you give her a cross to bear, she'll drop it and run for another man. My $.02
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 "Remember when you point one finger at others, three more are pointing back at you". You seem to have a very resentful attitude, coupled with a mild superiority complex that 'wow, she's back with you, whilst all the other LSers haven't managed to get their spouses back!' Listen - the number of marriages that ultimately fail as a result of an affair, in comparison to those which survive is extremely low. But attitudes have to soften, compromises have to be agreed upon, and chips have to be dislodged and shucked off the shoulder... you still come across as angry and judgemental, and you're taking it out on others. Try to be a little more approachable, because the more you persist with this attitude, the more I am inclined to think you're giving your wife total hell for this.... which really just means you're going to end up driving her away again, no matter what your external manner. The truth will out, and your true colours will come out. And venting here too...it's not conducive to a calm state... Chill, ok? Your right, I should have erased that one, filled with anger. I'm trying to tone it down as I am making a bunch of enemies on here. It seems like all the vets -gunny are attacking me(not saying I don't deserve it.). I need a new approach to helping. I feel I have a lot of insight because I got my W back. I see many posts where people want them back, and I know I can help. My delivery just sucks. I am trying to force a wake up call like many of you try. I will not dis anyone's point from now on, I will give my 2 cents and be done. Thank you.
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 No problems as of now...just wait, they'll crop up again. Get out while you still can. My new reply...... I'm willing to give this marriage another try. I have to look past the A, which will be very hard, especially as the love drifts away. Just as I looked for guidance on the recon, I am looking for guidance on the marriage after the A. Did you reocon with your spouse?
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 So many that i couldn't possibly begin to start listing them here Which one helped the most or was it that they all kinda blended together?
2sunny Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Your right, I should have erased that one, filled with anger. I'm trying to tone it down as I am making a bunch of enemies on here. It seems like all the vets -gunny are attacking me(not saying I don't deserve it.). I need a new approach to helping. I feel I have a lot of insight because I got my W back. I see many posts where people want them back, and I know I can help. My delivery just sucks. I am trying to force a wake up call like many of you try. I will not dis anyone's point from now on, I will give my 2 cents and be done. Thank you. just relaaaaax....... everyone has different circumstances and differing points of view. try not to jump to conclusions here... don't assume everyone is as willing as you are to forgive... please realize no one ever "wins" in an affair situation - in fact everyone loses... try to read the written words that a poster chooses - it very telling... and can help in deciphering the posters perspective. (this is harder than it sounds)... it kind of helps to put yourself in their shoes if you can. the words someone types tells clearly their attitude and position - sometimes even their demeanor shows clearly. this can give you an idea how to help. hmmmm, what else? i'm sure there's more - but even after 5 years here i still feel like i miss a lot at times... that's normal. some posters here have an amazing knack at being on target at all times. they are great. too bad Owl isn't around much this past month or so - he was gifted - especially dor guys in your position as a BH. you could pm him and see if he'll pop in for you.
CaliGuy Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Great advice, but I deal with my problems not run from them. Good luck having a meaningful relationship with that attitude. You can't run from your problems they always catch up with you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have you looked in the mirror lately and pointed your finger at the only cause of and solution to your problems. ME I..... I don't think he's trying to be mean. He's just sending a dose of reality. It's very difficult to get past cheating because that will always be in the back of your mind the rest of your relationship. The trust is gone and once it is, it is extremely difficult to regain. In fact, I'd say it's impossible to completely regain the kind of trust you had before the cheating happened. Are you both in Marriage counseling? Are you both earnest in trying to repair the damage? Is she doing what YOU feel she needs to do to regain your trust? I mean, what logical steps are you both taking to fix the wrongs?
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I..... I don't think he's trying to be mean. He's just sending a dose of reality. It's very difficult to get past cheating because that will always be in the back of your mind the rest of your relationship. The trust is gone and once it is, it is extremely difficult to regain. In fact, I'd say it's impossible to completely regain the kind of trust you had before the cheating happened. 1Are you both in Marriage counseling? 2Are you both earnest in trying to repair the damage? 3Is she doing what YOU feel she needs to do to regain your trust? I mean, what logical steps are you both taking to fix the wrongs? 1. No, we are way too in love right now to even attempt MC. If we did our love would cloud our feelings. She waffles about IC for her. Once we hit a bump I'm suggesting it. 2 and 3. Yes we have both made drastic changes. She's being open because she wants to rebuild the trust, no more carrying cell phone in hip pocket. She told me when she established NC to OM, and they no longer talk. I quit drinking at home everyday. Let's see which one's stick.
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I am glad that you are able to look past what your wife did and give her a clean slate. But I really can't understand the "too in love for MC."??? I absolutely ADORE my second husband, truly, but I went into counseling with him because I was P..... as hell at him that he had kept a secret Myspace where he communicated with his exes when we were dating, and some of his internet proclivities... I really don't understand what you are saying. Sounds like denial...hope this second honeymoon lasts, but I don't think I have ever seen that...
reboot Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Lots of people here have reconciled with their spouse. Lots of threads, lots of stories. The majority of them women with cheating husbands though. I did. I'm hardly the poster boy for offering advice though. We made some progress, then things kind of fell apart again (no more affair, just the aftermath I guess). We've been separated for some months now. I had actually decided to start the new year with a divorce, then out of the blue she called and asked if we could talk. And so we did. Now I don't know what to do. I finally got the sincere, broken hearted, tears streaming down her face apology that was all I'd really wanted all along. I also finally got the truth about everything. And the truth turned out to be pretty bizarre. That talk might well have made all the difference two years ago. Now I just don't know. Well..... I only meant to tell you you weren't alone, I didn't really mean to blurt all that out, but as long as I went to the trouble to type it, I guess I'll let it stay. Maybe it will be therapeutic. To answer the other question, I read lots of websites, lots of books. MarriageBuilders.com is good. "Divorce Busters" and "His Needs/Her Needs" were both very good as far as books. I don't really remember them all. In any case, good luck.
norajane Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 3. Yes we have both made drastic changes. She's being open because she wants to rebuild the trust, no more carrying cell phone in hip pocket. She told me when she established NC to OM, and they no longer talk. I quit drinking at home everyday. Let's see which one's stick. Sigh. You sound so doomed. But you're in love. Try marriagebuilders.com. Theres; a section there on rebuilding after infidelity. It takes a LOT of work. A LOT. And she still might cheat. And you still might never get over the thought of some guy's weenie in her hoo hoo. But, good luck to you.
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Sigh. You sound so doomed. But you're in love. Try marriagebuilders.com. Theres; a section there on rebuilding after infidelity. It takes a LOT of work. A LOT. And she still might cheat. And you still might never get over the thought of some guy's weenie in her hoo hoo. But, good luck to you. why do I sound doomed?
norajane Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 (edited) why do I sound doomed? Something about her keeping her cell phone in her hip pocket. Yeah, yeah, she doesn't do it anymore...it's just one of those conscious, deliberate, meticulous, considered, cold-blooded, designed with forethought specifically to deceive and manipulate YOU actions... It's the little things, you know? No matter what she says now, she chose to manipulate you by hiding that cell phone. At some point, she had that conversation with herself in her head...I know I'm hurting him so instead of NOT HURTING him by not having an affair, I'd better just hide my cell phone so he never finds out. It's squicky to think this person you're in love with and love is willing and capable and chose to deliberately, actively, consciously, cold-bloodedly plot against you. And that she would keep it in her pocket, all the while being sweet to you...while it was nestled in her pocket...ugh. I wouldn't trust her with watering my plants, much less my love. Edited January 15, 2010 by norajane
reboot Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Is this supposed to be tough love or something? If he still loves the woman, there's nothing wrong with giving it a shot. Why so quick to pass judgment NJ?
norajane Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 Is this supposed to be tough love or something? If he still loves the woman, there's nothing wrong with giving it a shot. Why so quick to pass judgment NJ? I'm not passing judgment. I'm telling him how I see it. He doesn't have to see it my way. And it may not be that way. And I gave him the marriagebuilders.com website, which should be a very helpful resource for him and his wife to rebuild if they're committed to doing so.
anne1707 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I had an affair which ended 18 months ago and have successfully reconciled with my H - so yes, it can be done but it is very hard. I really do recommend that you start MC as soon as possible. I know you are saying you are "too in love" and I guess that you don't want to hear anything painful that you feel may shatter a fragile marriage. But you need to deal with the underlying problems if you are ever to fully recover. Use MC as a safe forum for discussion - and have a commitment with each other that if you have a difficult MC session, that as soon as you get out of the door you hug each other and do not continue that discussion until the next MC session. Your wife possibly also needs to go to IC - it certainly helped me. As for books - I can recommend "His needs, her needs". Whilst all may not be relevant, if both you and your wife have a copy and read it together, you may well learn things about each other that help you. The mobile phone thing? It might be some little thing but so what? I used to have my mobile out of sight. But now I just leave it wherever and yes that was at first partly to reassure my H. When your trust has been battered, any little thing may help. At least you know she is not using her mobile to contact the ex-OM. It can all feel a little contrived at times but your wife does need to open herself up to you like this.
samspade Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 My new reply...... I'm willing to give this marriage another try. I have to look past the A, which will be very hard, especially as the love drifts away. Just as I looked for guidance on the recon, I am looking for guidance on the marriage after the A. Did you reocon with your spouse? No my friend, I have not been married. So I am not qualified to counsel you in that respect. I only said what I said because I have a personal policy that if what happened to you happened to me, it would be 100% over. That's just me though. What I am fairly certain of is that when a woman strays, it means her interest in you has dropped to a level beyond salvaging. Her interest level in you drops when you surrender your leadership role as the man. You should be qualifying the women in your life according to your personal code. Is cheating acceptable to you? To me, it's grounds for dismissal. It's the single most obvious sign that a woman has lost respect and interest. All the reconciliation in the world won't get that back.
anne1707 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 It's the single most obvious sign that a woman has lost respect and interest. All the reconciliation in the world won't get that back. I respect my husband, he interests me and above all else I love him - life is not black and white
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I give you credit for giving her a second chance. It is admirable to do the work to try to repair a marriage before giving up on it. I think why the one poster thought he sounded doomed, is that he was "too in love to consider MC"...that is denial of the extreme breach of trust that she committed and totally NOT in HIS best interest. I would love her but sleep with one eye open, and let her know, if she pulls that crap again, a world of hurt will come crashing down on her so fast she won't know what hit her. That is what I told my current husband whom I totally adore, when I found he had a Secret Myspace filled with little tramp whores he had flings with that he still talked with (when he was my boyfriend, not after we married). I told him, "I love you more than anything in this world, but don't think for one second that I would let that stop me from hurting you reeeeal bad if you pull that crap again. I'll hurt you sooo bad personally and financially, you will never recover." He said, "oh, I believe you...":bunny: Sometimes I think that people who have a propensity to stray like this need some "healthy fear" instilled in them to give them a little "extra motivation." Ha! (But hey,that is just me...I should wear the ol' cowboy belt buckle with the snake, that says "don't tread on me..buyer beware")
Author tnttim Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 I respect my husband, he interests me and above all else I love him - life is not black and white I would really like to talk to you.
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