blackbear_703 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 (edited) Hey Guys-- I can't find my original break-up thread or any of the other posts I made in the Break-up forum regarding my own break-up, so I'll summarize in a nutshell and break the story up into two parts to keep it as short as possible: The Break-up: My ex and I were together for 3 years (with 3 years of largely platonic friendship before that) and almost got married last year. Almost two months ago, she broke up with me after I found some pics of her with another guy and all the accompanying "romantic" messages they had left each other on Facebook & other sites. At the time, the reasons she gave for breaking-up was that she just couldn't handle being in a relationship and wanted to be single, she needed to "protect me from herself," etc. At first we agreed to go NC immediately upon breaking-up, but she insisted she just couldn't do it. Over the course of late Nov.-Dec. I watched her go through some major character changes. After the break-up, she decided she was a bar-hopping female swinger who loved to party and drink. In addition, her personality changed. At first she admitted she couldn't stop loving me, but she became a very dark, depressed person and prior to my going NC four weeks ago, acted like she was completely annoyed with me. After unsuccessfully talking to her about going NC several times and watching her give me the cold shoulder, I finally decided to take action myself and cut all communication a few days before Christmas. For the next three weeks we had no contact whatsoever, although that was largely due to the fact she went back to her parents' farm for Xmas/New Year. Now for the possible "second chance" portion of my story: Well last Thurs, exactly three weeks after going NC, I got an e-mail from her (which she had actually sent Monday, but I didn't receive until Thurs). In it she told me all about her time at home and asked if I'd be up for the two of us paying a visit home for a week to see her family in another few months or so. This confused me since we are supposed to be over! She also made it clear they are now OK with us being a couple. According to some friends who are intimately familiar with our situation, this is one of the key reasons, if not the key reason, why she broke up with me since her family is very conservative and has high expectations. I broke NC and replied back. The next day I got another e-mail from her berating me for going NC, not caring about us anymore, and not loving her anymore. Which isn't true at all. It would also seem she got pretty stressed out over those three days and has been talking to some of her chat friends about us since some of them have been posting on her Facebook and telling her to "just focus on herself" and to forget about that "@*%$! Blackbear!":confused: Well I agreed to start seeing her again and since then we have almost been back to normal. That is, hugging and kissing, exchanging "I love yous," etc. However, she has not made it clear about where we are and has slowly cooled things down over the past day or so. I even asked her up front where we are now and she wouldn't respond. In addition, she is a whole different person now and instead of the "neo-hippie chick" I've known and loved for years now and the swinger she suddenly became a month ago, she is being very supportive of me and showing an interest in everything I do. She is also dressing casually now, is punctual, and changed her appearance and is even changing her name! She says she is finally finding peace and happiness in her life with this new identity of hers. However, she obviously still has a long way to go since her recent FB posts have frequently been dark and filled with depression. Does anyone have any insight as to what might be going on? Could she be trying to push for a second chance...quite possibly after I've gotten to know the new and improved her? Or could it be an "emotional Aspirin" of some kind?? It's obvious she never stopped loving me (at least on some level) since she's said that all along, but I'm still trying to figure out this sudden move toward reconciliation. Thanks guys for taking the time to read this and for any and all advice and insight. I appreciate it very much. P.S. As for the other guy who set these events in motion, she insisted at the time of the break-up he had a girlfriend and I was able to confirm this. At this time, he seems to be madly in love w/ his gf and completely ignoring my ex. Edited January 14, 2010 by blackbear_703 grammatical error
samspade Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Here is what you did right: 1. When you discovered your GF was cheating on you, you broke it off. 2. You (eventually) went NC. Here is what you did wrong: 1. You discussed going NC with her. Don't discuss, just do it. 2. You delayed NC, while watching your ex swing all over town. 3. You broke NC. 4. You let her shame you and berate you for living your life after the breakup. 4. Since reuniting, you've asked your GF to set the terms of your relationship and thus control its frame. You made all of these mistakes because of desperation. That is, a fear of losing her. This fear is rooted in a scarcity mindset; you don't believe you have other options. Dump her, wash your hands of her, and move on.
Author blackbear_703 Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Hi samspade-- Thank you very much for the reply. One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is that I did try NC twice following the break-up. Both times lasted no longer than a few days before she desperately contacted me again. Daily contact between us did, however, slow down to just a few times or less a week from late Nov-Dec. and we haven't started speaking again on a daily basis until just this past week. You are right about feeling insecure during the break-up...or at least at the beginning. At that time I felt like there wouldn't be anyone else, but in recent weeks I have come across a few ladies on the dating sites who just might turn out to be something good. However I'd rather wait until I've totally healed up before moving on to any new relationships for obvious reasons. As far as the "reconciliation" goes, I went in with an open mind and didn't dive in head first thinking the relationship we had would automatically be there waiting. And it would seem that it isn't and won't be coming back anytime soon....I'm not sure if she's doing it for attention, emotional support, or just trying to keep me in her life for whatever reason, but it is frustrating to say the least when she can't be upfront about this whole thing. On the one hand, totally walking away from her and erasing her from my life is the logical thing to do and what I had been doing until last week. After all, there are all the reasons you gave and more. The cheating, instability, etc. OTOH, she is under an extraordinary amount of stress at work (i.e. workplace bullying, a major a'hole boss, pay cuts), family pressures, depression, and other issues. In addition, I put a major amount of pressure on her last year over us getting married and berated her for cheating two months ago...which she still insists she never did. She still insists she and the other guy are just friends and has proved it to a large degree. Looking back, I could have cut her some serious slack. Mind you I'm not saying that if I hold on and do this, do that I might get back what we had, but I can see why she would feel so much pressure from our relationship and why she might be afraid now. Of course there is this "whole new her," which has been very strange, but I can see why she would want to become a more mature person she can be happy with. As for the whole swinger thing, I haven't been able to find any evidence at all she has been seeing other guys. When she went out w/ her swinger friends last month, she mostly got dead drunk at the bars and passed out on their couches. Or so they say. I'm beginning to suspect she was just a "swinger" in name only and just following the in-crowd of the moment. She has a very bashful disposition and has had a long history of following the in-crowds...as long as I've known her in fact. At any rate, I haven't gone back to Day 1 of the break-up over this and don't plan to. I just want to approach this thing with an open, balanced mind that's all. Maybe I'm just worried about making a bad situation worse for myself or for her by doing the wrong thing. Thanks again for the response!
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