professorTR Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Greetings All, My original story can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209069/ After all of the months of hanging on to the hope that my wife would come back, she finally made her final decision--she wants a divorce. I'm really in a terrible state after hearing this. The main problem is that she wants to be friends and never lose me altogether. I'm so emotionally dependent on her that I can't let her go. I can't stop texting her about my plight, about the myriad emotions I'm feeling...it's like I need to keep laying the guilt on her so she feels bad about the magnitude of what she's doing. I just can't believe that it's really over..I can't accept it. It just feels so crazy to me. Her nonchalance about the whole thing just makes me spiral further; it's as though how I'm feeling doesn't matter. She says I need to "deal with this" and just move on, seemingly forgetting that she's had 6 months to slowly detach while I've been patiently hanging on, giving her time and space. I can't leave her alone...I'm beating a dead horse, but I can't stop. When I text her and get attention from her, even negative, it still keeps me connected to her. When I think about all the legal stuff we still have to face, it makes me vomit out of nervousness. I do attend regular therapy, and I'm on regular meds...but what can I do???
single Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Sounds like you know what to do but are just scared to do so. You need to let her go she has well moved on a long time ago, most women move on during the relationship then they end it. Happened to me and probably most of the guys on here, i tried and still do sometimes when i'm drunk (which was alot through December) try to get her back but she isn't going too i have accepted that now and to be honest i have reached the stage where i wouldn't go back. Anyway back to you the way forward don't know if you have any kids etc but you need to stop contacting her altogether or very limited if you have kids (stick to talking about picking them up etc) and start looking after yourself get yourself fit in the body and the head and try and move on. Even if you have horrible day or week so what just get back up and keep crawling forward. It will all be ok in the end for everyone on here as long as we all keep moving. I have been stuck in hell for 6 weeks as well, look around you on this site there are loads of us male & female all at different stages of trying to crawl away from this place. Think of your marriage as a room with two doors, you lived in this room with your wife until she left through one door and locked, bolted and bricked it up from the other side so now all that is left for you is to go through the other door. Behind that door is a empty room waiting for you to fill it with all the things you want in life and one day you will be there with someone special but maybe you should live for a while with the only person that matters yourself. You will be fine.
GrayClouds Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Greetings All, My original story can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209069/ After all of the months of hanging on to the hope that my wife would come back, she finally made her final decision--she wants a divorce. I'm really in a terrible state after hearing this. The main problem is that she wants to be friends and never lose me altogether. I'm so emotionally dependent on her that I can't let her go. I can't stop texting her about my plight, about the myriad emotions I'm feeling...it's like I need to keep laying the guilt on her so she feels bad about the magnitude of what she's doing. I just can't believe that it's really over..I can't accept it. It just feels so crazy to me. Her nonchalance about the whole thing just makes me spiral further; it's as though how I'm feeling doesn't matter. She says I need to "deal with this" and just move on, seemingly forgetting that she's had 6 months to slowly detach while I've been patiently hanging on, giving her time and space. I can't leave her alone...I'm beating a dead horse, but I can't stop. When I text her and get attention from her, even negative, it still keeps me connected to her. When I think about all the legal stuff we still have to face, it makes me vomit out of nervousness. I do attend regular therapy, and I'm on regular meds...but what can I do??? Sorry for your loss. If you have not read the following and implement as much as you can until you can go full NC it will help with the healing: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? Good luck
quankanne Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 cali, the Second Chance post is fantastic – I think it covers all bases, and is bullsxht-free. Good job! professor, as much as this is killing you, you are going to have to let this girl go. What's the adage, if you love someone, set them free? I won't lie and tell you that it's easy, because it's probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do because it is against your will. But trying to keep a one-sided relationship alive by trying to coax the other person to stay is a lesson in futility. You are meant to have love, but sometimes not how or where you hope it will be. You will survive, but only if you allow yourself the opportunity. you've mentioned therapy and meds – now is the time to let your doctor know the changes you're facing, and that you are seriously affected/stressed by them. Your medication/treatment might need to be adjusted, and that is nothing to be ashamed or upset about, because stress can leach necessary chemicals from your blood and just make you feel worse. Medically, help is available, you just need to ask for it. CG's guide has fantastic recommendations, primarily the ones about getting out of this rut you're in – the one that's keeping you mired in hurt and pain and inaction – by getting involved in different things. If you need to talk through your hurt, a trusted friend will most likely be willing to help. WE are willing to help here at the 'Shack, too. But you need to allow yourself to move through the grief of this loss so that you can find a new way of living. Again, I know it's not what you want, but unfortunately, it's what's happening. for now, don't entertain any thoughts of "friendship" with your ex, because the healing cannot commence if you've still got a string tied from your heart to her person. You need to go cold turkey, so to speak. That's not to say that with enough time and emotional distance, you might be able to be on passing good terms, but for now, you need to forget all thoughts of a relationship with her because to do otherwise will screw seriously with your mind. find alternate ways to spend that time you want to text or call or contact her, so that you can start weaning yourself from this lost relationship. I know it hurts, but I promise, you *will* survive, simply because you are meant to survive and move forward. I know your world must feel like it's coming to an end, but still know that the future is a place filled with hope, and that you can move on if you allow yourself to. So grieve as much as and as hard as you need to, we're here for you. many, many hugs to you, compadre.
Author professorTR Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Thank you everyone. This is definitely the most difficult thing I've ever faced. I'm sure glad we didn't have any children...
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I read your prior thread. I think you should be less harsh on yourself, and perhaps not say you have NPD and BPD and say that you have just some of the traits....sometimes I think these psychiatric diagnoses labels can really cripple people. That being said, I have to say you sound eerily like my first husband. PhD, very self absorbed and critical of me, but at the same time incredibly needy, so needy and depressed, I used to tell him, "you exhaust me, there is no way I can fill up your endless vortex of need.." This is a sure way to lose a woman. She eventually closes off and the one poster is TOTALLY RIGHT, by the time a woman asks for divorce, she is totally GONE already. My ex did what you are doing too, crying, having his friends plead for him. All that did was harden my resolve to leave...You need to know that....sorry...
Author professorTR Posted January 15, 2010 Author Posted January 15, 2010 Dazzle, I appreciate the honesty there. Unfortunately, it seems all of the resources out there that deal with my type of situation are geared toward the people wanting to leave someone like me. There's not much in the way of helping someone like me change. My relationship was my identity...the fact that every day she actively refuses to be my lover again just reinforces my rejection. This is so painful, and I don't know how much longer I can endure it.
dazzle22 Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I understand how terribly painful this is for you. I suggest you read a thread "Can I save my marriage" and look at the posts by a guy named Mem11363 I think it is. When I read that, major "light bulbs" went off for me about attraction between men and women. He quotes a guy who has a theory that men need a good balance of "alpha" and "beta" qualities in their romantic lives. Men (and I think it applies to women too) tend to live more on one end of the continuum than the other and when something is not working, instead of being more "the other way" which they need to do, they tend to do "more of the same" which just digs them in deeper, no win... For example, you are "too beta" in your romantic relationships, and this drives the woman you love away. This is something I told my ex when I was totally done with him. See if you can get insight from this analogy. He was always passive, needy, underemployed. I had to handle all the unpleasantries of life, bills, taxes, shopping, including his brother who was robbing us blind in the business my ex had with him. He would just say, "he's my brother. I can't confront him". Then he would break down and cry in my arms, and always blame me for his own unhappiness. This is what I told him.... "When we got married, I was hoping you would exhibit some of the "knight of the castle" qualities that you projected to me. Instead, what I find, is that you want to stay in the castle, play your guitar, write poetry, (these are not metaphors by the way) and not go out of the castle and work beside me at all. You say, why don't you go out there and work?. You do a better job than I and you make more. When I tell you, honey, there is a dragon that is breathing fire on our crops out there, you say, "why don't you go handle that honey. You are better at handling conflict than I am." Well, I am telling you now I cannot RESPECT a man who can't 'man up' and go fight some dragons out there, who leaves it to me to grab the sword and go out there alone. I can't respect a man who is always crying on my shoulder and makes it my fault he is not happy. I thought I was marrying a MAN, not an immature teen age boy who can't take responsibility for his own problems and leaves all the dirty work to me." Now, probably a lot of this does not apply to you, but perhaps you can see the analogy. The reasons that fairy tales resonate with us, is they hit a very deep primieaval cord in our ancestral development as a race. I implore you not to use your woman as a therapist in any way. You can share disappointments, and be real, etc, but don't "fall apart" and look like you are going to have a nervous breakdown in front of your woman. At least not if you want her respect. It hits a very deep, "he is an incompetent protector" in us, and it scares us in our core. Now, I can hear the wolves gathering... I am not saying men can't share their emotions and be vulnerable in relationships, just don't act "crazy needy clingy" like you have with all the texting and pouring out of your emotions. Contain. Like an alpha male...
HeavenOrHell Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 I totally feel and understand your pain. My ex left 6 months ago after 18 years, he has wanted to stay friends, I do too but it is also keeping me in a horrible limbo, but the thought of not seeing him terrifies me. I haven't been laying the guilt onto him, but I feel I'm keeping so much in and he has no idea how crap I feel. I wasn't insecure when we were together, reason given for leaving were neglect the last 2 or 3 years, but he frequently tells me not to blame myself. PM me anytime Greetings All, My original story can be found here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t209069/ After all of the months of hanging on to the hope that my wife would come back, she finally made her final decision--she wants a divorce. I'm really in a terrible state after hearing this. The main problem is that she wants to be friends and never lose me altogether. I'm so emotionally dependent on her that I can't let her go. I can't stop texting her about my plight, about the myriad emotions I'm feeling...it's like I need to keep laying the guilt on her so she feels bad about the magnitude of what she's doing. I just can't believe that it's really over..I can't accept it. It just feels so crazy to me. Her nonchalance about the whole thing just makes me spiral further; it's as though how I'm feeling doesn't matter. She says I need to "deal with this" and just move on, seemingly forgetting that she's had 6 months to slowly detach while I've been patiently hanging on, giving her time and space. I can't leave her alone...I'm beating a dead horse, but I can't stop. When I text her and get attention from her, even negative, it still keeps me connected to her. When I think about all the legal stuff we still have to face, it makes me vomit out of nervousness. I do attend regular therapy, and I'm on regular meds...but what can I do???
Pentel Posted January 15, 2010 Posted January 15, 2010 professor i know it hurts like hell and you dont want to let go... but sometimes its a whole lot better to let go, i didnt last 1 year with my ex but i loved her so much, and now im doing better, at first i didnt want to let go, i wanted to make her see that we could make it work, that she didnt have to do it, now im getting over her, and i feel like an idiot for letting myself feel like that it wont be easy, but believe me when i say you will feel a lot better, happier when you just let her go
Author professorTR Posted January 17, 2010 Author Posted January 17, 2010 Dazzle, That analogy pertains to me perfectly, except for one thing. I was over-employed, at one point working 3 jobs. Everything else you said hit home with me. I became very emotionally dependent within the relationship, basically thrusting responsibility for my life onto her. The problem is living with the guilt, although I'm sure the reason our marriage failed was not completely me.
dazzle22 Posted January 17, 2010 Posted January 17, 2010 It always takes two to destroy a marriage, but all you can do is learn what your part was and try not to do it again. Did you read that post by Mem? It is so good. Given your propensity to be too emotionally vulnerable, I think when you get in a relationships it would serve you well to contain a lot of your neediest parts and reveal them to a therapist, and work on showing more of your alpha side to a woman. Good luck.
Recommended Posts