How do you get past the hurt when it's over?

[Austen]

When it's finally over and you realize the person you thought cared for you never cared at all...after all the lies and continued betrayal and denial, and no chance for closure (all I want to do is yell at him and let him know how much he hurt me, but I'll never have the chance)...how do you work through the hurt and feel happy again? I'm trying to keep it together when all I really want to do is crawl into a hole...

[pureinheart]

Oh Austen, I am so sorry.....

well, there were so many stops and starts with exMM/(really doubting he'll be BF because he's so cheap), and each time was different and I did different things to try to forget him. The last one seemed to be the most effective though.

 

I sulked for about 10 days, then realized I'd better get it toether because Christmas was coming and I had A LOT to do. It was hard but I got myself up and started doing some possitive things to prepare for Christmas. You know, day by day began to get better, also I think we get used to a certain routine in relationships. Now we have to get used to no more phone calls, no more this and no more that, just silence. So actually it is called behavioral modification, changing ones routine.

 

I heard it takes about 30 days to break a habit, and in essence relationships are habitual in certain areas.

 

So, at the same time I was changing my routine, I began to change my thought process also, encouraging myself, telling myself about all of the good things that were about to happen. Reminding myself that I don't have to have a man to exist and began to rebuild relationships with friends from way long ago. I got on FaceBook, reaquainted myself with Classmates and MySpace. Basically I began to live again.

 

Austen, this is the first time with exMM/cheap a** that I have been able to get this far in recovery, seeing myself in a brand new way, as a viable human being.

 

I would venture to say that this is the hardest relationship that you have tried to break, right? It was with exMM/his wallet is his W. If you say that you've never had this problem before I am going to trip....because I have heard this from other women in our types of situations.

 

I can honestly say that I can walk away from exMM/? now, with no problem, and I wonmder if it is because I really feel like you do. At one time I felt he really loved me, althougfh now I feel like everything else takes presidense.

 

Anyway, I can't wait to hear your answer.....

[pureinheart]

Oh one thing that really helped was cussing, screaming and yelling all over my house and calling him every name in the book.

[Austen]

Thanks, Pureinheart. I am trying to get through this one day at a time. I think his denial to his wife and to others that this ever happened and his trying to paint me as a crazy person is what hurts the most. It crushes me, because I thought he was a better person than this.

The feelings of not being good enough for someone to love me are eating away at me. And they have been for a long time. Maybe that's why I settled for a MM in the first place--part of me thinks I don't deserve any better.

I'm just in such a dark place right now, trying to find my way out. This isn't the most difficult "break-up" I've had, but it hurts immensely, nonetheless. Thank you so much for your support.

Like you, I have also been trying to just start living my life again. But you're right--it's difficult when the texting and chatting and phone calls stop and there is nothing left but silence and broken hopes. We fall so fast for someone, but when it's done, it takes SO LONG to recover. I hate feeling this way.

[NowhereToHide]

Austen... I feel your pain and I lived it. To say I was devastated when my A ended would be an understatement. I'm not sure I have ever felt that kind of emotional pain before in my life. It was horrible, debilitating, and all I wanted was for the pain to end.

 

Being in the thick of it like you are is hard. All I can tell you is that it will get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel you are in. It takes everyone a different amount of time to make it through, but you will.

 

Everyone told me to focus on other things. I tried, but I kept getting sucked back into the hard feelings. I know Devil Inside is a big proponent of sitting with these feeling and letting them pass. It's a hard skill to learn, but it certainly is a worthwhile one.

 

The most helpful thing to me was IC. My therapist was the one person that I could cry to, vent to, scream to... she also taught me some coping strategies that really did help. I would highly suggest that you go. If nothing else to have a safe place to work through all of your thoughts.

 

Good luck to you. Keep posting. LS can be a great place to help you process what you've been through.

[eeyore1981]

Thanks, Pureinheart. I am trying to get through this one day at a time. I think his denial to his wife and to others that this ever happened and his trying to paint me as a crazy person is what hurts the most. It crushes me, because I thought he was a better person than this.

The feelings of not being good enough for someone to love me are eating away at me. And they have been for a long time. Maybe that's why I settled for a MM in the first place--part of me thinks I don't deserve any better.

I'm just in such a dark place right now, trying to find my way out. This isn't the most difficult "break-up" I've had, but it hurts immensely, nonetheless. Thank you so much for your support.

Like you, I have also been trying to just start living my life again. But you're right--it's difficult when the texting and chatting and phone calls stop and there is nothing left but silence and broken hopes. We fall so fast for someone, but when it's done, it takes SO LONG to recover. I hate feeling this way.

 

BBM

 

IMO, you need to work on this. Spend some time with this, see if you can pinpoint when you felt this way, and what made you feel this way. Change your thoughts. Spend some time every day telling yourself good things about yourself. It won't be overnight, but you will eventually begin to realize this isn't true.

 

And ditto to what Pureinheart said. I usually had people in my house, so I would get in my car and drive the backroads, screaming at my imaginary passenger until I felt better, which was usually around the time I started to lose my voice.

 

It's gonna hurt, but it will get better IF you choose to make it so. Don't wallow too much, it's not good for you.

[crazycatlady]

I think the key to dealing with any emotion is to embrace it. Own that emotion, allow yourself to fully feel it, wallow in it for a moment, and let it go. Each and every emotion that you feel over it. Don't try to dismiss them to get over it. That will just keep them coming back.

 

And the emotions are going to be mixed. Anger, love, sadness, grief, bitterness, etc. They all will hit you. And when they do, take them, hold them, look at them, acknowledge them, and let them go. usually over time, the emotions will ease.

 

By wallow in it, I mean take a moment to fully feel that emotion. Given it your all. If you hurt, cry. If you are angry, SCREAM. If you are sad, listen to sad songs. But not for very long. The whole point of embracing it is to totally feel it, so you can let it go again after.

 

Also, while don't over schedule yourself, try to keep a little busy. Don't sit at home every day and have a pity party. Get out, see friends etc. If a feeling comes on you, take that feeling, acknowledge that feeling, and then send it on its way.

 

Good luck to you. Stay strong.

 

CCL

[BlueeyedJonesy]

You need to realize that you are lucky. The hurt you feel now is nothing in comparison to what you would feel if you would've stayed longer...every day is just that much more pain. The worst feeling in the world is finding out that the one person you cared for more than anyone or trusted more than anyone is not who you really thought they were. I'm telling you...take it out on your creativity. Write in a journal.

 

I deserve better/to/more _________ because _______.

It makes me sad that/when ____________.

It angers me that/when ______________.

 

set aside 15 mins a day and do this over and over till you can't think of anything else to write. It helps

[Heather1]

It's been 7 days since I figured out he didn't care about me at all.....after over a year PA & 2 + year friendship. Hell, I'm sure he even bought his dog biscuts over me. I'm still wallowing, only one day totally in bed immobilized. I've been busy, and listening to hypnosis mp3's. Still, I saw him today for 2 sec as we drove by each other, don't know if he saw me. It's really painful, and my heart literally hurts. I had these weird palpitations yesterday, pulled over in my car, and was really dizzy. Part of my problem is I haven't told ANYONE & no one knows what the hell is going on with me. Stress on stress. Rejection (in a very cold way that I didn't see coming), grief, loss of someone in my day to day life, loss of who I thought was my BF & someone I thought cared about me & no one to talk to.

So I'm staying as busy as I can & using pockets of time to cry. Basically, when I feel really bad I just try to remember how cold he was. I don't want that w/ anyone EVER. It was so mean. It helps to be mad at that & not remember the good, ya know? It all comes down to how I want to be treated, and although I loved being in the A, I can't let him walk all over me either. Once I finish grieving, I have to put something in place if he gets ahold of me (which I'm guessing won't happen, but you never know). I can't do this again, I'm a mess.

There's a David Gray song "Shine," that I listen to. I'm going to crank up the hypnosis right now.

Hang in there!! It's awful, I'm right there with you.

[1Angel]

It hurts but good for you getting out! Your personality shines in your post and you know what someday you'll find a nice single guy who is going to give you 100%. No more crap. You deserve to be given the whole cookie not just crumbs.

[CarbonCopy]

This is going to sound so cliched, but time honestly helps. It's been 5 1/2 months since I was dumped by my MM and I'm doing SOOO much better now. Naturally in the beginning I was a mess -- constantly crying, so hurt and angry (both at him and at myself), broken hearted, etc. But time, as well as talking about everything with my two best friends who knew about the affair, keeping busy (which included going out on dates with several guys), spending time with friends and family and so forth helped so much.

 

I can't say I'm 100% over everything -- and believe me, there are still some nights where a few tears are still shed -- but I'm in a completely different place now compared to back then.

[pureinheart]

Thanks, Pureinheart. I am trying to get through this one day at a time. I think his denial to his wife and to others that this ever happened and his trying to paint me as a crazy person is what hurts the most. It crushes me, because I thought he was a better person than this.

The feelings of not being good enough for someone to love me are eating away at me. And they have been for a long time. Maybe that's why I settled for a MM in the first place--part of me thinks I don't deserve any better.

I'm just in such a dark place right now, trying to find my way out. This isn't the most difficult "break-up" I've had, but it hurts immensely, nonetheless. Thank you so much for your support.

Like you, I have also been trying to just start living my life again. But you're right--it's difficult when the texting and chatting and phone calls stop and there is nothing left but silence and broken hopes. We fall so fast for someone, but when it's done, it takes SO LONG to recover. I hate feeling this way.

 

((((((((((Austen)))))))))))

 

The reason I asked if this was the hardest break up is for the purpose of seeing if he used a technique called "Traumatic Bonding" on you, by your answer I am very happy to say he didn't...cool.

 

Well, you do deserve better....And are you telling me he denied you??????Oh no, I don't think so...that was a bad move for him to make as now this has turned to "cruel".

 

I told exMM/(he can keep his money) that if he ever denied me I would never deal with him again....this is cowardly in my book. I don't know if he really did, but the truth always comes out eventually.

 

Lately I've been discovering who I am.

 

*A brief recent case history* Went through a lot, got laid off, lost 2 grandchildren, got new job and the work was too heavy but had to hide my illness in order to work, got real sick although still hiding had my 90 days though so they couldn't get rid of me, got called back to old job and replaced a lot of money, inherited my parents house in which I spent teen years, reliving teen years (still haven't figured out really that I am over the age to drink yet), went out on a medical leave, retired.....ooooooK, what now.

 

I need to find me...and was defined by so many other things, men, kids, job, family, friends...but who am I really? What is it out of life that "I" want?

 

I still can't believe I'm retired and I said to my son, ok what do I do now....and he said....lol....whatever you want.....WOW THERE'S A NEW CONCEPT.

 

Austen, you don't have to wait until you are 49.10 years in age to find out what YOU want.

 

There is someone good out there for you, just like there is for me....the cool thing about it is YOU don't have to look for him, he will find you....and he will be ready....

[pureinheart]

BBM

 

 

And ditto to what Pureinheart said. I usually had people in my house, so I would get in my car and drive the backroads, screaming at my imaginary passenger until I felt better, which was usually around the time I started to lose my voice.

.

 

Rolling On Floor Laughing (ROFL)....not laughing at you, although with you...I did it till I lost my voice too....and at least your neighbors didn't hear you....I bet mine think I'm a nut, cuz they knew no one was here. I was really waiting for the men in their little white coats/with a straight jacket for me!

[pureinheart]

WOW, you got some really good replies and stuff to work with....and I am soooo sorry Heather1....hey you guys just keep posting and replying, it is like talking to someone, you know....

 

This is some good stuff!

[Austen]

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies! Today I woke up, and it was like a switch had flipped in my head. I realized that he is not the kind of guy I should ever be with. He's proven over this past week just how devious he really is and that he will stop at nothing to cover up what he and I did. I had feelings for the person I thought he was, not the person he actually is. My feelings of hurt are turning to extreme dislike. I feel sorry for his wife. She's married to a man she can NEVER trust. And as much as she's denying what happened, after seeing the evidence, I'm sure she knows deep down that the affair happened.

Today I can actually breathe, and I don't feel like throwing up. And I actually smiled a couple times. I know the pain won't be entirely gone for quite a while, but you guys are helping me to keep it in perspective. THANK YOU!

[Heather1]

it is like talking to someone, and I've gotten really solid advice here. I'm glad you're feeling better Austen....I'm kind of faking it until I make it, and swam a mile today too. If all else fails, at least I'll look good huh? I guess I should just be grateful he was cold or it would have continued. But I know what you mean, his wife has NO idea! I thought he was a great guy, because I thought we kind of had something together...ya know? Something he could only have w/ me, and not his wife? As cold as it all went down w/ his "no feelings" rule, I could have been anyone. That makes him....well? A cold hearted cheater, and that's about it.

[ladydesigner]

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies! Today I woke up, and it was like a switch had flipped in my head. I realized that he is not the kind of guy I should ever be with. He's proven over this past week just how devious he really is and that he will stop at nothing to cover up what he and I did. I had feelings for the person I thought he was, not the person he actually is. My feelings of hurt are turning to extreme dislike. I feel sorry for his wife. She's married to a man she can NEVER trust. And as much as she's denying what happened, after seeing the evidence, I'm sure she knows deep down that the affair happened.

Today I can actually breathe, and I don't feel like throwing up. And I actually smiled a couple times. I know the pain won't be entirely gone for quite a while, but you guys are helping me to keep it in perspective. THANK YOU!

This is exactly what I realized about my XOM is that I fell in love with who I thought he was. Boy did his true colors come out upon ending things with me. Nonetheless better to know sooner than later. Now you have a chance to find a real healthy love.

 

Good luck and peace to you. you sound like a wonderful person inside just got caught up with the wrong man.

[Luckyluss]

I feel your pain, I have it too on my own.

Yes the silence is something so hard to deal with.

Pain, yes, but imagine a life with someone who can't get it together to choose you.

Disliking him to the full extent of what he's done will help. It easier to get over someone who treated you badly.

As I was wallowing in self pity, I cried most of yesterday. By night I was sobbing. And then I talked about it w/ a gf. She told me, this man acted as a beggar. He was handed gold and bread and he took the bread. Do you want that as your boyfriend? The one who doesn;t pick the gold of you?

I don't and I'm sure you don't either.

Hang in there. And don't forget you gave me good advice, so deep down you know what you're doing! I'm grateful to you and I wish you a better day...

[White Flower]

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies! Today I woke up, and it was like a switch had flipped in my head. I realized that he is not the kind of guy I should ever be with. He's proven over this past week just how devious he really is and that he will stop at nothing to cover up what he and I did. I had feelings for the person I thought he was, not the person he actually is. My feelings of hurt are turning to extreme dislike. I feel sorry for his wife. She's married to a man she can NEVER trust. And as much as she's denying what happened, after seeing the evidence, I'm sure she knows deep down that the affair happened.

Today I can actually breathe, and I don't feel like throwing up. And I actually smiled a couple times. I know the pain won't be entirely gone for quite a while, but you guys are helping me to keep it in perspective. THANK YOU!

Big hugs Austen!