Author DestroyerOfWorlds Posted January 25, 2010 Author Posted January 25, 2010 I think I get it now. The joke I mean. For our minds to meet we would have to agree that another person is in some way disgusting because of their moral behaviour/personal hygeine. I.e. I still don't get it. It takes more. If I were the W of DOWs I would not want to sleep with him ever again on the strength of what he has posted. I would however consider his W. Ok, you know...I am not pleased with what I have put out their either. It's very personal stuff and I said I felt rather uncomfortable when I first mentioned it. I am not proud of it and do feel regret for doing it. As for my W not wanting to sleep with me again after what I have posted here....I kind of think that there would be thousands of spouses who would not want to sleep with their partner again after seeing what may have been written about them on here. I wouldn't be the only one left sleeping alone. To respond to some other comments...I sure as hell don't pressure my W into anal all the time. I have been living with it once a year for half our relationship now. She knows I like it...I know she likes massages...she asks me to give her a massage MUCH MUCH more often than I ask for anal...and I always oblige when she asks. Maybe...MAYBE I might ask her for anal another once or twice a year....it's certainly nothing she is given daily..weekly or even monthly pressure to perform. As for putting too much focus on anal due to too much porn. I was with a woman for 7 years who loved anal and would ask for it every time we had sex. That's what I was used to before my W...it was life experience..not porn. I watch more of it in porn now mind you because it no longer happens in my life on a regular basis. I also get a kick out of the people who talk about how I should divorce and leave my W. That's not what I am looking to do. It's no wonder that the divorce rate is like 50%. I had the A and my W still loves me. She has forgiven me ( as much as can be expected ) and wants to have a life together. I love her as well and even if their are some serious issues in the bedroom I don't feel that is any justification to leave her. We both care about each other very much. People make mistakes...I made a huge mistake. My W doesn't want me to leave though...I don't want to leave though...I'm guessing that if my son were older he wouldn't want us to split up either. "Til death do you part". I want to honour that. That's what marriage is supposed to be about. We enjoy each others company, we enjoy doing things together...we love each others family. We go to MC we go to IC and yet some people tell me that the "right" thing to do is to leave my W and son because I am not sexually satisfied and that gives me all the justification to completely alter their lives ( and certainly not in a positive way for the short term at least ). The reason I was "so cold" that it was obvious to my whole family is because I had a hard time getting over the situation with the xAP. When it's an emotional A the feelings don't just disappear at the snap of a finger. My attitude and outlook has improved drastically over the past month and I can guarentee that you would not hear my family say the same thing now. I also don't recall saying anything about hygiene and shaving going hand in hand. 1000 mentioned the shaving bit and I said that she did. As far as her not shaving her legs in highschool I never said it as representing uncleanliness I just said it to demonstrate....as I think cuppa mentioned...she's just not a girlie girl and doing those sort of things just doesn't come as a natural thought to her. People can tell me how selfish I am...how childish I am...what an a***ole I am...I really don't care. After what I have done to my W you can get in line right behind me if you want to insult me and tell me what a terrible person I am. That's fine...but I am getting offended towards some of the comments made about my W. She's not passive agressive, she's not controlling or manipulative. She doesn't go a week at a time without showering and smell so bad that I can't get into bed with her...it just feels like everything has been so blown out of proportion. I appreciate all the help, opinions and compliments...but I also know her a hell of a lot better than anyone else. I'm really starting to think that it's just that she is lazy about the whole thing....she's not mean or evil or emotionally troubled...just lazy. I was away last week and the morning I left she emptied the diaper genie and left the roll of dirty diapers in the hallway. She usually does that planning to put it in a garbage bag outside later ( 9/10 times I end up doing it because she walks right by it ). When I came home after 5 days this bag of diapers was still sitting the hall outside our bedroom door. She hadn't "got around" to putting it outside. Our son does keep us busy so I can cut her some slack to a degree.....but it would have taken her all of 10 minutes max to put that outside after he went to bed rather than walk by it likely 2 dozen times until I got home days later to throw it out. There had been left over pizza on the counter when I left too...it was also still there ( and moldy ) when I got home so I threw it out. When I first started dating her it amazed me how dirty her and her roommates used to leave their kitchen all the time. My ex has been very strict about cleaning everything ( including herself ) and would get mad at me if I were too busy to get something done. I liked that my W never hassled me to do anything....if I was too busy then I was too busy. I would get to things when I could and she never gave me grief about that and I loved it. I think it is a fairly common thing in life that some of the traits that are appealing about our partners when we date them eventually become something that drives us crazy years later. So this has been a revalation for me...my W is just lazy when it comes to cleaning anything really ( including herself ). I've never nagged her about it but maybe I should...maybe that would fix alot of issues. There has been no joke about this thread as somebody mentioned. In reality I have found it very helpful...it went completely off track from what I was originally looking for but it has been very useful to me. As people say negative things about my W it makes me feel closer to her and want to defend her. I've only now just realized that the issue with my W isn't about her lack of personal hygiene but her indifference to cleanliness in all aspects of things. That makes it a much less uncomfortable issue to address with her for me
WalkInThePark Posted January 25, 2010 Posted January 25, 2010 (edited) I also get a kick out of the people who talk about how I should divorce and leave my W. That's not what I am looking to do. OK, you don't want to divorce your W. Then why do you complain? You know how she is, and it's not gonna get better than it is. II was away last week and the morning I left she emptied the diaper genie and left the roll of dirty diapers in the hallway. She usually does that planning to put it in a garbage bag outside later ( 9/10 times I end up doing it because she walks right by it ). When I came home after 5 days this bag of diapers was still sitting the hall outside our bedroom door. She hadn't "got around" to putting it outside. Our son does keep us busy so I can cut her some slack to a degree.....but it would have taken her all of 10 minutes max to put that outside after he went to bed rather than walk by it likely 2 dozen times until I got home days later to throw it out. There had been left over pizza on the counter when I left too...it was also still there ( and moldy ) when I got home so I threw it out. When I first started dating her it amazed me how dirty her and her roommates used to leave their kitchen all the time. My ex has been very strict about cleaning everything ( including herself ) and would get mad at me if I were too busy to get something done. I liked that my W never hassled me to do anything....if I was too busy then I was too busy. I would get to things when I could and she never gave me grief about that and I loved it. I think it is a fairly common thing in life that some of the traits that are appealing about our partners when we date them eventually become something that drives us crazy years later. So this has been a revalation for me...my W is just lazy when it comes to cleaning anything really ( including herself ). I've never nagged her about it but maybe I should...maybe that would fix alot of issues. Well, you seem to have finally understood what has been clear for a lot of us here from the start: your W is a slob (can't believe that anyone would want to live with someone like that)! Sure she does not hassle you about anything. I don't think it is because she is relax, it is because she just does not care. The advantage is that she does not make a lot of fuss, the disadvantage is that she won't care about making herself attractive to you either. You have to realize that there are people who are cool and relax but who nevertheless take good care of themselves and the household. Who like to make themselves attractive for their partner. DOW, you say that you want to stay with your W despite the fact that there are clearly things lacking in the physical department. In that case I can only tell you that you will have to accept that your W is who she is. You can ask her to change a number of things but if she does not want to change them, that's the end of it. You have to realize that this is as good as it gets. BTW, I don't believe that the only reason for your A was the lack of anal sex in your relationship. If, even without anal, the sex with your W would have been fulfilling, I don't think you would have had an A. Edited January 25, 2010 by WalkInThePark
wheelwright Posted January 28, 2010 Posted January 28, 2010 Ok, you know...I am not pleased with what I have put out their either. It's very personal stuff and I said I felt rather uncomfortable when I first mentioned it. I am not proud of it and do feel regret for doing it. As for my W not wanting to sleep with me again after what I have posted here....I kind of think that there would be thousands of spouses who would not want to sleep with their partner again after seeing what may have been written about them on here. I wouldn't be the only one left sleeping alone. I understand you feel discomfort. Sorry if what I posted seemed harsh, but the way you talked about your W was shocking to me. I am glad that some of the things said here help bring you resolution. Slobbiness can be a deal breaker for many people. I do agree it's worth talking to her about this issue.
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