What's your definition of "settling"?

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Hey everybody,

 

I've told the story on here before but here is a quick summary.

 

I've been with my wife for 8 years; married for 3.5 and have a 2 year old child.

 

I met my wife 2 months after I was in a 7 year relationship that ended badly. I had loved my ex and the emotional and sexual chemistry felt unreplaceable but life with her was a roller coaster. She couldn't hold a job, battled depression, gained 90 lbs, was always sick etc etc... It hurt when she left but deep down I knew it was the best thing she had ever done for me.

 

When I met my W I thought she was a pretty cool person. She was fun to talk to, had a much more cheery / upbeat personality and was up for just about anything. ( where as my ex mostly just wanted to go to movies or watch TV at home ). It was like night and day between the 2 of them. Where as life had been up and down with my ex it was more of a straight line with my W. We never fought and got along amazingly well so she never gave me the head ache and heart ache that my ex did but she never quite made me feels the highs I did when things were good with my ex either.

 

Sex with my W was never what it had been with my ex but everything else about her was perfect. My physical attraction to her would always have been what I describe as "luke warm" so perhaps that didn't help.

 

Anyway to make a long story short; I had an affair last year that lasted for 8 months and I fell in love with the OW. I stayed with my wife for many reasons ( a VERY important one being our child ).

 

I had wanted to make my marriage work, I never wanted to leave my W but had been sexually unsatisfied for 7 years and ended up having the A ( no justification I know ). I have what I always wanted and planned for in life. I have a W who is my best friend and whom I can trust and get along amazingly with. She is a wonderful mom and I love her family and love being a part of it. We have the house we wanted, both love our jobs, are financially stable, have a child we both love more than anything and she is very much in love with me. Life is great...until we are alone in the bedroom. She really just doesn't do anything for me in bed and being disappointed with the lack of sex before the A...now I mostly couldn't care less. It has become a physical activity for me with no added emotional attachment. I feel horrible saying that and wish I didn't feel that way.

 

Last week my sister told me that my W and I were the talk of the extended family over the holidays and how they think it's a bad idea to even consider having another child in this marriage ( wouldn't even be considering trying until next year...this isn't a "marriage fixer" scheme ). They thought we look so fake and I am obviously unhappy ( that is true but had alot to due with how the A ended ). So many people tell me that I have settled with my W and life is too short to live that way. I get so little supportive advice towards staying in my marriage and making it work.

 

Before I asked my W to marry me I knew that the sex was lacking for me and I knew that there were no fireworks when I looked at her. I could almost see it as loving more from my head than my heart in a way. There were so many things I love about my W though and have no complaints or anything about her. I figured that looks fade over time and eventually sex isn't important as we get older so if those things were the areas that I was not totally sold on..well they wouldn't last anyway. I don't believe I settled. No one is perfect and you can't expect the perfect partner so you need to make compromises somewhere right?

 

So I ask you, what is your definition of settling in a relationship...versus just having reasonable expectations that your partner can't be EVERYTHING that you would like.

Edited January 14, 2010 by DestroyerOfWorlds

[tami-chan]

wow....this is painful...

 

Leave your W...you child will be ok. I have to tell you, though...I think the next person will have the same "fate" as your wife....because you are not okay....you need to fix something inside you....

 

you will always feel like you are settling for less until then.....

Edited January 14, 2010 by tami-chan

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

wow....this is painful...

 

Leave your W...you child will be ok. I have to tell you, though...I think the next person will have the same "fate" as your wife....because you are not okay....you need to fix something inside you....

 

you will always feel like you are settling for less until then.....

 

 

Are you telling me there is something wrong with me just on this post alone? I'm afraid I don't follow.

 

I have went to 2 separate ICs after the A. I have told them to tell me that I am an idiot....to tell me that there is something wrong with me and Ihave all these issues to fix...but they don't. They both say "You have needs that aren't being met..plain and simple. Leave your wife...you won't be happy". That isn't what I want to do though. Leaving my family is not my definition of happiness.

[tami-chan]

Are you telling me there is something wrong with me just on this post alone? I'm afraid I don't follow.

 

Sorry, I am not trying to slam you but your story is not unique...there so many men (and women) who will never be satisfied....you are like one of those people who loves the drama-the constant up and down-fire and ice....perhaps,to feel alive...otherwise you feel like you are "missing" something....I am not a therapist but in my experience, people who get together with people like you is already in an uphill battle from the beginning and they did not even know it...

 

I have went to 2 separate ICs after the A. I have told them to tell me that I am an idiot....to tell me that there is something wrong with me and Ihave all these issues to fix...but they don't.

 

You really expected them to say that to you? hmm..I don't think you are an idiot either...I think you need to make a stand, choose a path---your wife is unhappy, you are unhappy, people around noticed you guys are unhappy...would it be better for you if your wife leaves you? that way, you can tell yourself and others who care to listen that "SHE left me"-freeing you of the responsibility of breaking up the marriage-despite YOUR indecision?

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Well now, that is a pretty depressing thought..that anyone who gets involved with me is facing an uphill battle.

 

I do appreciate your opinion on things. Maybe that is it...maybe I do feel like I am missing something without the ups and downs. I don't know. That is the kind of thing I was looking for from my IC though. I didn't really expect them to tell me I'm an idiot but I certainly would have preferred that they try to dissect me a little bit rather than just say that I should just leave.

 

I think my intention may be misunderstood here though. I'm not talking about indecision or wanting to leave. For the most part, my W is happy ( all things considered of course...she certainly isn't as happy as she was before the A ). She told me she felt she found a gem in me ( since found out she hasn't ) and that she knew I was the man she wanted to spend her life with by our second date. She wants to spend her life with me now despite how I have wronged her. She loves me and is in love with me and she still tells me that all the time.

 

I have told her I don't want to leave her either and that isn't a lie. I broke NC with my xAP last week after 7 months. I feel terrible for doing it and betraying the trust of my W once again but I also feel it is the most productive thing to happen to my M since everything happened. I had told my ICs that I wanted to talk to my xAP and was struggling with that everyday...not because I wanted to be with her...but because I hated the way things ended so badly and on such bad terms. I told them if I talked to her and she was in a relationship and happier than ever then that would be the best thing I could hear.

 

So I contacted her after the death of a friend of hers and we have reconnected and discussed how and why things went the way they did. She has been involved with someone for 4 months now and is very much in love and couldn't be happier. That lifted a huge weight off my shoulders that had been essentially crushing me for 7 months. We had the fortunate experience of being able to get closure on the A that I don't think most people do. I feel better than I have in a long time.

 

I know that sex and the emotional intensity will not be the same as they were with my xAP. My IC tells me that I can't try to rekindle what was never really there to begin with. I have accepted that. It is what it is and she is an amazing person on some many other levels. I lost sight of that after our child was born last year.

 

So no, I don't want her to decide to leave me to make it easier on me. I want to make it work with her, I want to try to make her happy. The point of this post was....I do love my wife. Sex and emotional intimacy are the only weak points in the overall picture ( from my side...she had always been perfectly happy with everything ). Instead of support towards making it work people just tell me I am settling when I don't believe that to be true. With my ex before my W the sex and emotional intimacy were the best parts of the relationship and everything else was weak. So if I had married her, do people say I am settling then? When I can say that she lights my heart on fire but drives me insane because she can't keep a job or gains weight and gets depressed or fights with me all the time or acts like a child I need to take care of. People may have said I could do better than her but never really said I was settling. So I was just wondering what it is that people consider to be settling instead of looking for someone who satisfies you in every way?

 

Again TC, I appreciate that you have taken the time to offer your opinions to me. Thank you for that.

[crazycatlady]

Your story is so sad. I don't think you can be happy with out the passion. You are full of life and passion. Which is part of why your Ex appealed to you so much. While her life was a train wreck, WOW was she just alive. And dealing with train wrecks can be thrilling because its not complacent.

 

A person who is naturally more passionate and alive then a lot of others isn't going to be happy with someone who is content with living life. And who is content with being content. Some, like your W, just are happy being. Its comfortable. Some people aren't comfortable with vivid passion.

 

I don't think you can change yourself into the type that is happy with comfortable. I think it would be akin to killing a part of yourself. And its sad because you knew this ahead of time. As wonderful as your wife is, it doesn't make her the correct match for you. I'm sorry.

 

So what you have to ask yourself is, can you live the rest of your life without passion and life? And can you do it without cheating again? And can you do it without growing to hate yourself and your W? A no to any of those questions and you need to leave.

 

CCL

[whichwayisup]

Please, be honest here, you don't have to answer, but ask yourself this.

 

Are you happier in a rollercoaster type relationship? Like with your ex, and your exOW? The up's and down, the passion, the intensity, that excitement? Maybe you're one who thrives off of drama and that is what you're missing. the life you have now isn't exciting enough..

 

I say if you want to stay married, do all that is necessary to talk to your wife, be honest, change it up and seek sex therapy with her too. marriage counselling obviously too, but maybe if your sex life got better, you wouldn't feel so blah in the bedroom.

 

another thing is, get hobbies! FUN ones, that make your heart rate go up. Maybe that will add some excitement into your life, enough that you wont' feel like you're missing out.

 

Just remember, if you do divorce, be alone for atleast a year. Maybe you just need to find "you" again...?

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Your story is so sad. I don't think you can be happy with out the passion. You are full of life and passion. Which is part of why your Ex appealed to you so much. While her life was a train wreck, WOW was she just alive. And dealing with train wrecks can be thrilling because its not complacent.

CCL

 

Ironically CCL. My xAP partner told me that is exactly what appealed to her new BF about her...he told her that she is so alive and vibrant...and that is definately true

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Please, be honest here, you don't have to answer, but ask yourself this.

 

Are you happier in a rollercoaster type relationship? Like with your ex, and your exOW? The up's and down, the passion, the intensity, that excitement? Maybe you're one who thrives off of drama and that is what you're missing. the life you have now isn't exciting enough..

 

I say if you want to stay married, do all that is necessary to talk to your wife, be honest, change it up and seek sex therapy with her too. marriage counselling obviously too, but maybe if your sex life got better, you wouldn't feel so blah in the bedroom.

 

another thing is, get hobbies! FUN ones, that make your heart rate go up. Maybe that will add some excitement into your life, enough that you wont' feel like you're missing out.

 

Just remember, if you do divorce, be alone for atleast a year. Maybe you just need to find "you" again...?

 

I've pretty much been throwing my whole life out on here so why change now right.

 

I find that question a bit difficult to answer actually. I loved how much easier things were with my W when I started dating her. I thought "Wow, it is really this easy?. I don't need to worry about baling her out of the next crisis day after day?" So because I wasn't so frustrated, I wasn't so stressed and therefore would be happier on an over all scale. When things were going well with the ex or the xAP then the happiness I experienced with them wasn't something my W has really been able to accomplish...of course it was always fleeting and some problem would arise eventually.

 

As for hobbies...trust me..I have many and am never bored. Give me a pen and paper and I'm good for days. I love to read, I love to write and I love to draw and I asspire to improve my painting skills. I am passionate and artistic...my ex and exAP were both writers as well and we loved to share our creations or write passionate letters to each other. I wrote stuff to my W in the beginning...and she would just reply with "I don't know how you can write like that...I can't do that". She comes to bed reading romance novels every night yet couldn't come up with passionate, romantic things to say to me. In time that just kind of faded things for me I suppose.

[tami-chan]

So what your friends really mean by "settling" is "settling for less".... to "settle" means you are where you choose to be...in some place comfortable, right, desired....

 

If you do not believe you are settling for less then you are not, then who cares about what your friends think? But I think you believe that you are settling for less then indeed you are....you know exactly the wonderful traits your wife possess ( that is why you are staying with her) but it is not enough...what else can she do? Nothing. Because what is wrong is not within her...it is within you.

 

Don't your friends think that your wife is also settling for less? I mean , she could just leave you and find someone who will be true and faithful to her, no? She is settling for less because she is hurting..and yet, she decided to stay...

[tami-chan]

I've pretty much been throwing my whole life out on here so why change now right.

 

I find that question a bit difficult to answer actually. I loved how much easier things were with my W when I started dating her. I thought "Wow, it is really this easy?. I don't need to worry about baling her out of the next crisis day after day?" So because I wasn't so frustrated, I wasn't so stressed and therefore would be happier on an over all scale. When things were going well with the ex or the xAP then the happiness I experienced with them wasn't something my W has really been able to accomplish...of course it was always fleeting and some problem would arise eventually.

 

As for hobbies...trust me..I have many and am never bored. Give me a pen and paper and I'm good for days. I love to read, I love to write and I love to draw and I asspire to improve my painting skills. I am passionate and artistic...my ex and exAP were both writers as well and we loved to share our creations or write passionate letters to each other. I wrote stuff to my W in the beginning...and she would just reply with "I don't know how you can write like that...I can't do that". She comes to bed reading romance novels every night yet couldn't come up with passionate, romantic things to say to me. In time that just kind of faded things for me I suppose.

 

Ahhh...you are the stereotypical "artist" type...the quintessentially angst-ridden man....now it all make sense...find yourself someone with a volatile personality...

[luvstarved]

Interesting. I agree with what WWIU said, just to add a bit:

 

You can't change your W's basic personality. You also can't change what is fundamentally appealing to you.

 

The things you can change are your attitude and communication skills.

 

You can try to find the real focus of your lack of sexual feelings for your wife. IS it because you thrive on the drama? Maybe so. Then, you can't have it both ways. Choose whether stability or "passion" is more important to you, find a suitable partner and remind yourself of how you arrived at your decision down the road when the option you did not choose starts to look better again.

 

Is it possibly due to a lack of communication? Does she know that you are "lukewarm" toward her? She must have a clue on this given the A, but I am wondering what the two of you have done to try to improve things in this arena? It might feel like "protecting someone from hurt" to not admit this lack of interest, but in the long run, how would you feel if your spouse were pretending to love you while daydreaming about other lovers? Maybe you really would not care...maybe you would feel hurt or indignant...I don't know. In the end, you can only start to work on a problem when all the information is out on the table. Certainly, you need to take a caring and sensitive approach, not say "you bore me in bed" or similar, but...maybe reading/sharing resources on how to improve things this way.

 

You really need to ask yourself if this is positively an immutable fact. You say she is your best friend, and all is great otherwise. If this were really true, I do not think you would feel so dissatisfied. There is either a fundamental incompatibility that has no solution, or you are too selfish and lazy to put the work in to correct it, or she refuses to participate in finding a solution...does any of that sound like best friends, really? Nobody likes to hear that someone is dissatisfied with some aspect of them, but I firmly believe that it is better to get it out there somehow...because otherwise neither one of you has a proper opportunity to address it...

 

In any LTR, what ultimately makes sex satisfying is the general intimacy...you make it sound like she is just "sturdy and reliable". Where is the emotional, intellectual, spiritual intimacy? If these were there, the physical intimacy would follow. That is not to say that you might not still remember someone else or some other occasion as the most "mind blowing" sexual adventure of your life or that you would no longer have feelings of lust for others pop into your mind (and pants)...but this is a marriage, not a frickin' game. If you really had all other aspects going for you in a deep meaningful way, I genuinely believe that you would find comfort and humor and openness and satisfaction sexually as well.

 

In short, what is REALLY missing here? Your wife's "raw" sex appeal or "passion"? Fundamental compatibility? Maturity on your part? True intimacy and communication?

 

Find what is REALLY missing, only then can you start on a path to find it...

[WalkInThePark]

Sex and emotional intimacy are the only weak points in the overall picture

 

Maybe the only weak points but bloody important ones!

[giotto]

I've read you other thread... the one about "anal sex"... seems to me this is still your problem... your are unhappy and I think you should find a woman who likes it and is prepared to enjoy it with you... or you will have another affair soon...

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

Interesting. I agree with what WWIU said, just to add a bit:

 

You can't change your W's basic personality. You also can't change what is fundamentally appealing to you.

 

The things you can change are your attitude and communication skills.

 

You can try to find the real focus of your lack of sexual feelings for your wife. IS it because you thrive on the drama? Maybe so. Then, you can't have it both ways. Choose whether stability or "passion" is more important to you, find a suitable partner and remind yourself of how you arrived at your decision down the road when the option you did not choose starts to look better again.

 

Is it possibly due to a lack of communication? Does she know that you are "lukewarm" toward her? She must have a clue on this given the A, but I am wondering what the two of you have done to try to improve things in this arena? It might feel like "protecting someone from hurt" to not admit this lack of interest, but in the long run, how would you feel if your spouse were pretending to love you while daydreaming about other lovers? Maybe you really would not care...maybe you would feel hurt or indignant...I don't know. In the end, you can only start to work on a problem when all the information is out on the table. Certainly, you need to take a caring and sensitive approach, not say "you bore me in bed" or similar, but...maybe reading/sharing resources on how to improve things this way.

 

You really need to ask yourself if this is positively an immutable fact. You say she is your best friend, and all is great otherwise. If this were really true, I do not think you would feel so dissatisfied. There is either a fundamental incompatibility that has no solution, or you are too selfish and lazy to put the work in to correct it, or she refuses to participate in finding a solution...does any of that sound like best friends, really? Nobody likes to hear that someone is dissatisfied with some aspect of them, but I firmly believe that it is better to get it out there somehow...because otherwise neither one of you has a proper opportunity to address it...

 

In any LTR, what ultimately makes sex satisfying is the general intimacy...you make it sound like she is just "sturdy and reliable". Where is the emotional, intellectual, spiritual intimacy? If these were there, the physical intimacy would follow. That is not to say that you might not still remember someone else or some other occasion as the most "mind blowing" sexual adventure of your life or that you would no longer have feelings of lust for others pop into your mind (and pants)...but this is a marriage, not a frickin' game. If you really had all other aspects going for you in a deep meaningful way, I genuinely believe that you would find comfort and humor and openness and satisfaction sexually as well.

 

In short, what is REALLY missing here? Your wife's "raw" sex appeal or "passion"? Fundamental compatibility? Maturity on your part? True intimacy and communication?

 

Find what is REALLY missing, only then can you start on a path to find it...

 

First off, I'll be honest with you...it really doesn't matter to me. My top priority is my son. My W and I genuinely like each other as people, we still kiss when one gets home from work, we never fight and we like to do activities together as a family. What I am satisfied or dissatisfied with ultimately doesn't make a difference. He would not grow up in a home where he sees his parents fighting all the time, or hating each other. Staying together as a family is what we all want...and would even like for him to have a sibling or 2 down the road. It wouldn't matter how passionate or how in love I was with anyone else...not of that would ever compensate me for the self-hatred I would feel for leaving my family. It just isn't an option.

 

As for communication. I used to think it was good. We talked about alot of things from how our day was to how we are feeling. I will admit that I have never felt as open with her towards my feelings as I was with my ex or my xAP though. It just felt like we were different and that she really wouldn't understand me.

 

It has been brought up here by someone now...she doesn't like particular things sexually that I do. Over the last 4 or 5 years it has become a once a year occurance. I know it is not right to pressure someone to do something they don't want or don't exjoy sexually so I didn't. I just lived with her once a year hand out. I said it would be nice if it happened more than once a year and she would just say "If it happened too much it wouldn't be as special for you". I may be "passionate" but I am very mild mannered...I don't yell and scream and argue. I told her what I like and what turns me on on many occasions over the 7 years but she seemed to do choose to ignore it and go on the assumption I was happy enough with once a year ( even though I told her I would like it more ).

 

Another example of communication...a few months after the A one of the guys at work got free tickets to a hockey game. 3 guys were going and they asked if I wanted the extra ticket. This was an hour before the end of the work day so I didn't have much advance notice.

 

I called my W at work and asked if I could go with them and she said no because she had an appt that night that I had forgotten about. I was going to suggest my Mom or sister could watch our son for an hour while she was at the appt but she said there was also trust issues with me so she didn't want me going regardeless.

 

I am pretty empathetic and I understand her arguements so I didn't fight with her about it...but it did tick me off. So in the name of "improving our communication". I told her how much it ticked me off later that night. She said I should have made it clear how badly I wanted to go then because she didn't realize that.

 

The thing is...I have a room in my house dedicated to hockey memoribilia, I buy hockey cards and magazines, it's the only thing I watch on TV..and I never get to go to games. Hockey is one of my passions. ( I am Canadaian after all :-) ) I am constantly annoying her with useless hockey facts and stats. I was offered a free $100 ticket to a game and she told me "no" then uses the arguement that she didn't realize how badly I would have liked to go!

 

She tells me I don't talk enough and that she now feels she really doesn't know me at all..but it's thing like that that really get to me. I know what she's interested in and if something like that came up for her I would do my best to find a way to accomodate her going. I wouldn't need her to yell and scream at me to tell me how important this thing is to her.

 

Our MC told her the same thing...she asks me questions to stuff I have all ready told her because she isn't really listening to what I say to her. In when she that she didn't realize I was so unhappy as to have the A I pointed out to her the numerous occasions I had brought things up to her that I was having issues with things. She said she must have been watching TV at the time and only half paying attention.

 

I don't want to knock her. I am the bad person in all of this. Am I self and immature...probably so. I do feel that I have tried over the past 8 years and I had made her happy until I completely dropped the ball last year

[luvstarved]

First off, I'll be honest with you...it really doesn't matter to me. My top priority is my son. My W and I genuinely like each other as people, we still kiss when one gets home from work, we never fight and we like to do activities together as a family. What I am satisfied or dissatisfied with ultimately doesn't make a difference. He would not grow up in a home where he sees his parents fighting all the time, or hating each other. Staying together as a family is what we all want...and would even like for him to have a sibling or 2 down the road. It wouldn't matter how passionate or how in love I was with anyone else...not of that would ever compensate me for the self-hatred I would feel for leaving my family. It just isn't an option.

 

As for communication. I used to think it was good. We talked about alot of things from how our day was to how we are feeling. I will admit that I have never felt as open with her towards my feelings as I was with my ex or my xAP though. It just felt like we were different and that she really wouldn't understand me.

 

It has been brought up here by someone now...she doesn't like particular things sexually that I do. Over the last 4 or 5 years it has become a once a year occurance. I know it is not right to pressure someone to do something they don't want or don't exjoy sexually so I didn't. I just lived with her once a year hand out. I said it would be nice if it happened more than once a year and she would just say "If it happened too much it wouldn't be as special for you". I may be "passionate" but I am very mild mannered...I don't yell and scream and argue. I told her what I like and what turns me on on many occasions over the 7 years but she seemed to do choose to ignore it and go on the assumption I was happy enough with once a year ( even though I told her I would like it more ).

 

Another example of communication...a few months after the A one of the guys at work got free tickets to a hockey game. 3 guys were going and they asked if I wanted the extra ticket. This was an hour before the end of the work day so I didn't have much advance notice.

 

I called my W at work and asked if I could go with them and she said no because she had an appt that night that I had forgotten about. I was going to suggest my Mom or sister could watch our son for an hour while she was at the appt but she said there was also trust issues with me so she didn't want me going regardeless.

 

I am pretty empathetic and I understand her arguements so I didn't fight with her about it...but it did tick me off. So in the name of "improving our communication". I told her how much it ticked me off later that night. She said I should have made it clear how badly I wanted to go then because she didn't realize that.

 

The thing is...I have a room in my house dedicated to hockey memoribilia, I buy hockey cards and magazines, it's the only thing I watch on TV..and I never get to go to games. Hockey is one of my passions. ( I am Canadaian after all :-) ) I am constantly annoying her with useless hockey facts and stats. I was offered a free $100 ticket to a game and she told me "no" then uses the arguement that she didn't realize how badly I would have liked to go!

 

She tells me I don't talk enough and that she now feels she really doesn't know me at all..but it's thing like that that really get to me. I know what she's interested in and if something like that came up for her I would do my best to find a way to accomodate her going. I wouldn't need her to yell and scream at me to tell me how important this thing is to her.

 

Our MC told her the same thing...she asks me questions to stuff I have all ready told her because she isn't really listening to what I say to her. In when she that she didn't realize I was so unhappy as to have the A I pointed out to her the numerous occasions I had brought things up to her that I was having issues with things. She said she must have been watching TV at the time and only half paying attention.

 

I don't want to knock her. I am the bad person in all of this. Am I self and immature...probably so. I do feel that I have tried over the past 8 years and I had made her happy until I completely dropped the ball last year

 

1. If it really did not matter, then you would not have had the affair and would not be posting here. Are you looking for solutions or not?

 

2. If divorce is "not an option", then why did you risk the very same with the A? Are you really secure enough in your position to have been so certain your wife would not want a divorce? Lucky for you she didn't, but was there really no sense of risk in your mind of this?

 

3. It is when we have major differences that communication is both more difficult and more important.

 

4. You broke trust with an A and probably caused her a world of pain. It cost you attendance to a hockey game. Boo hoo. She admitted it was an issue of trust due to your actions, and your response is resentment. Yowsuh.

 

5. You would accomodate her if it were something she wanted? She wants to trust you. Accomodate that. She wants you to talk to her and help her understand you better. Accomodate that.

 

6. OK so she is not perfect either and needs to be more open to listening, etc. But, remember, often people ask the same questions over and over not entirely because they are not listening or don't care...but because they either are hoping for a different answer or it is so hard for them to understand/relate to that they have to hear it over and over expressed in slightly varied ways in order to get their brains around it. Nonetheless, this is an excellent counterpoint to make when she distresses that you don't talk to her enough. Kinda discouraging to talk when you aren't being listened to!

 

7. You're not "the bad person" in all of this. Thinking that way most likely will just lead to growing resentments capped off by doing more "bad person stuff". It takes two to tango.

 

I honestly do not think it is "fair" to restrict what pleases you sexually to an annual event. On the other hand, you knew marrying her that she was not into anal sex. This is a very difficult issue in my mind. I wonder, if it were a weekly event, would you appreciate that and really enjoy it the way you would like, or would there still be that "taint" that it isn't so much fun with someone who isn't digging it? This fundamental incompatibility is a big deal in my opinion. There is a limit to how much we can control our sexual interests. I am not sure that there is anything you can do about it other than to keep working on the communication and compromise and accomodation theme and hope that the two of you eventually arrive at "as good as it gets" and that that will be "good enough'. There are tradeoffs and compromise all through life but at some point we have to be who we are and find a place where we can accept that of someone else and feel accepted in return. Yes, it sucks to feel sexually dissatisfied with your spouse. It also sucks to feel that your spouse is sexually dissatisfied with you. It ain't easy.

[giotto]

This fundamental incompatibility is a big deal in my opinion. There is a limit to how much we can control our sexual interests. I am not sure that there is anything you can do about it other than to keep working on the communication and compromise and accomodation theme and hope that the two of you eventually arrive at "as good as it gets" and that that will be "good enough'. There are tradeoffs and compromise all through life but at some point we have to be who we are and find a place where we can accept that of someone else and feel accepted in return. Yes, it sucks to feel sexually dissatisfied with your spouse. It also sucks to feel that your spouse is sexually dissatisfied with you. It ain't easy.

 

 

That's why I brought it up... it's still a big deal, in my opinion, and it's obvious that the W doesn't want to please him more than once a year... this sexual dissatisfaction will lead to more frustration and then the inevitable. It's a issue which cannot be solved and the OP either accepts it or leaves.I get anal sex maybe once a year too... I don't ask for it, although I do enjoy it as well... I just leave it to my wife, when she is in the mood... but then I'm lucky if I get "straight" sex twice a month... I have more important problems, you see?

[Scottdmw]

OP, to answer your original question, no, I don't think you are settling. From what I've read on these boards, you have a reasonably good situation. It's not like you and your wife never have sex or something, which is the experience of an awful lot of people here. And, it sounds like you are pretty happy and compatible otherwise. Yes, you could leave her and go off in search of more passion. You might eventually find it, for a while. Then it would fade with that woman, and you would have to go off in search again. At the end of your life you would have never really been with anyone long-term, just a series of passionate love affairs. Meanwhile, your child and wife would suffer from a broken home.

 

Someone else said that in the case of a divorce your child would be fine. I think this is strongly disproved by the sociological evidence. People really want it to be true, they want for there to be a win-win solution where everyone can be happy, but life isn't always like that. In my opinion, if you went off in search of passion, any happiness you found that way would be directly paid for by your child.

 

So, I actually think you are making the right decision by staying. There may be ways you can improve your situation too. I often find in my life the more I can get my mind in the place of “how can I make my situation better?” rather than agonizing over whether I should make a radical change, the happier I tend to be a daily basis.

 

Scott

[angie2443]

Ahhh...you are the stereotypical "artist" type...the quintessentially angst-ridden man....now it all make sense...find yourself someone with a volatile personality...

 

I think this is what you need to do. Your wife and child (can't remember if you had more) will never be able to live up to your romantic ideals. You need to leave them, enter into relationships in which the other person knows that it will not be permanent, and have no more children.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

To comment on your points LS

 

1. If it really did not matter, then you would not have had the affair and would not be posting here. Are you looking for solutions or not?

 

A - I didn't mean to come across as ungrateful or unappreciative. Just knowing myself, I could never see myself saying "I want to leave you" unless life got so back that it was affecting my son. Anything else should be worked on and compromised in my personal opinion. I am thankful for all of the comments you all make...be they positive or negative

 

2. If divorce is "not an option", then why did you risk the very same with the A? Are you really secure enough in your position to have been so certain your wife would not want a divorce? Lucky for you she didn't, but was there really no sense of risk in your mind of this?

 

A - This one is hard to explain in a short blurb. My the time I had the A I felt I had alot more problems in my M than just sexual incompatibility. I was aware that I risked divorce if things were discovered. Nothing justifies what I did but it happened during a "perfect storm" of things going badly with my wife and developing with a friend who became my AP. Plenty of people told me I was wrong in giving my W my "demands" for coming back but at that point I really didn't want to come back to what I had before and unless both people were willing to change then it wasn't worth pretending it might work.

 

3. It is when we have major differences that communication is both more difficult and more important.

A - definately agree with that one. Unfortunately there were some things I didn't say because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or make her insecure...we can see what a great job I did in that department :-(

 

4. You broke trust with an A and probably caused her a world of pain. It cost you attendance to a hockey game. Boo hoo. She admitted it was an issue of trust due to your actions, and your response is resentment. Yowsuh.

A - OK. That isn't as black and white as it sounds. I was just using that as an example for the broad over all picture. If she had the A on me and got invited so something she really wanted to go to with the girls from work...I would want to make that happen for her. I would try to find a way to have someone watch our child for an hour, I would ask her to call and check in with me through the night if I had trust issues. I would know that making her miserable is not going to make life any better. I do understand completely where she was coming from...but it felt like things had been that way in so many scenarios...like sex. She knew what I liked and just shot it down because she didn't like it...where as doing what she liked would be just as important to me as getting what I want. It just never felt that way with her

 

5. You would accomodate her if it were something she wanted? She wants to trust you. Accomodate that. She wants you to talk to her and help her understand you better. Accomodate that.

A - I am trying. That's pretty much all I can say. I know I screwed up and I am trying to make it work.

 

6. OK so she is not perfect either and needs to be more open to listening, etc. But, remember, often people ask the same questions over and over not entirely because they are not listening or don't care...but because they either are hoping for a different answer or it is so hard for them to understand/relate to that they have to hear it over and over expressed in slightly varied ways in order to get their brains around it. Nonetheless, this is an excellent counterpoint to make when she distresses that you don't talk to her enough. Kinda discouraging to talk when you aren't being listened to!

A - understood.

 

7. You're not "the bad person" in all of this. Thinking that way most likely will just lead to growing resentments capped off by doing more "bad person stuff". It takes two to tango.

A - I read the whole "When Good People Have Affairs" book. I've tried to view it in that light. I hate that I have put her through this and I hate that this will always be something that will always be a part of who I am. I can forgive other people for their wrong doings...but not myself.

 

 

I honestly do not think it is "fair" to restrict what pleases you sexually to an annual event. On the other hand, you knew marrying her that she was not into anal sex. This is a very difficult issue in my mind. I wonder, if it were a weekly event, would you appreciate that and really enjoy it the way you would like, or would there still be that "taint" that it isn't so much fun with someone who isn't digging it? This fundamental incompatibility is a big deal in my opinion. There is a limit to how much we can control our sexual interests. I am not sure that there is anything you can do about it other than to keep working on the communication and compromise and accomodation theme and hope that the two of you eventually arrive at "as good as it gets" and that that will be "good enough'. There are tradeoffs and compromise all through life but at some point we have to be who we are and find a place where we can accept that of someone else and feel accepted in return. Yes, it sucks to feel sexually dissatisfied with your spouse. It also sucks to feel that your spouse is sexually dissatisfied with you. It ain't easy.

 

I do my very best to try to hide this. You say I knew all this going into marriage ( that she didn't like anal ) but she knew how much I did as well. So as much as it sucks for me to be sexually dissatisfied with her...I realize that it must suck for her to know I am sexually dissatisifed with her...but she knew what I liked and if she knew how much she hated it and would be unwilling to do it then it is just as much her issue as mine.

 

On DDay one of the questions that she asked me was if the OW was better in bed than her. I didn't offer an answer. I almost found it sad that she needed to ask...knowing how little she has accomodated with she knows I love most.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

OP, to answer your original question, no, I don't think you are settling. From what I've read on these boards, you have a reasonably good situation. It's not like you and your wife never have sex or something, which is the experience of an awful lot of people here. And, it sounds like you are pretty happy and compatible otherwise. Yes, you could leave her and go off in search of more passion. You might eventually find it, for a while. Then it would fade with that woman, and you would have to go off in search again. At the end of your life you would have never really been with anyone long-term, just a series of passionate love affairs. Meanwhile, your child and wife would suffer from a broken home.

 

Someone else said that in the case of a divorce your child would be fine. I think this is strongly disproved by the sociological evidence. People really want it to be true, they want for there to be a win-win solution where everyone can be happy, but life isn't always like that. In my opinion, if you went off in search of passion, any happiness you found that way would be directly paid for by your child.

 

So, I actually think you are making the right decision by staying. There may be ways you can improve your situation too. I often find in my life the more I can get my mind in the place of “how can I make my situation better?” rather than agonizing over whether I should make a radical change, the happier I tend to be a daily basis.

 

Scott

 

Thank you very much for this Scott. This is pretty much exactly what I had hoped to hear. Thanks for throwing in your 2 cents.

[DestroyerOfWorlds]

My definition of settling is...compromising my standards and principles to be with a person who shows little or no respect for me or my emotional and physical safety.

 

Touchee...fair enough. Good point. Thank you

[SummerLady]

Hey everybody,

 

I've told the story on here before but here is a quick summary.

 

I've been with my wife for 8 years; married for 3.5 and have a 2 year old child.

 

I met my wife 2 months after I was in a 7 year relationship that ended badly. I had loved my ex and the emotional and sexual chemistry felt unreplaceable but life with her was a roller coaster. She couldn't hold a job, battled depression, gained 90 lbs, was always sick etc etc... It hurt when she left but deep down I knew it was the best thing she had ever done for me.

 

When I met my W I thought she was a pretty cool person. She was fun to talk to, had a much more cheery / upbeat personality and was up for just about anything. ( where as my ex mostly just wanted to go to movies or watch TV at home ). It was like night and day between the 2 of them. Where as life had been up and down with my ex it was more of a straight line with my W. We never fought and got along amazingly well so she never gave me the head ache and heart ache that my ex did but she never quite made me feels the highs I did when things were good with my ex either.

 

Sex with my W was never what it had been with my ex but everything else about her was perfect. My physical attraction to her would always have been what I describe as "luke warm" so perhaps that didn't help.

 

Anyway to make a long story short; I had an affair last year that lasted for 8 months and I fell in love with the OW. I stayed with my wife for many reasons ( a VERY important one being our child ).

 

I had wanted to make my marriage work, I never wanted to leave my W but had been sexually unsatisfied for 7 years and ended up having the A ( no justification I know ). I have what I always wanted and planned for in life. I have a W who is my best friend and whom I can trust and get along amazingly with. She is a wonderful mom and I love her family and love being a part of it. We have the house we wanted, both love our jobs, are financially stable, have a child we both love more than anything and she is very much in love with me. Life is great...until we are alone in the bedroom. She really just doesn't do anything for me in bed and being disappointed with the lack of sex before the A...now I mostly couldn't care less. It has become a physical activity for me with no added emotional attachment. I feel horrible saying that and wish I didn't feel that way.

 

Last week my sister told me that my W and I were the talk of the extended family over the holidays and how they think it's a bad idea to even consider having another child in this marriage ( wouldn't even be considering trying until next year...this isn't a "marriage fixer" scheme ). They thought we look so fake and I am obviously unhappy ( that is true but had alot to due with how the A ended ). So many people tell me that I have settled with my W and life is too short to live that way. I get so little supportive advice towards staying in my marriage and making it work.

 

Before I asked my W to marry me I knew that the sex was lacking for me and I knew that there were no fireworks when I looked at her. I could almost see it as loving more from my head than my heart in a way. There were so many things I love about my W though and have no complaints or anything about her. I figured that looks fade over time and eventually sex isn't important as we get older so if those things were the areas that I was not totally sold on..well they wouldn't last anyway. I don't believe I settled. No one is perfect and you can't expect the perfect partner so you need to make compromises somewhere right?

 

So I ask you, what is your definition of settling in a relationship...versus just having reasonable expectations that your partner can't be EVERYTHING that you would like.

 

 

Settling means you are with someone as a matter of convenience. Could be kids, money, not wanting to be alone, wanting to get married, keeping the status quo, not wanting to get divorced. Many people settle. I settled in my first marriage. Example: I know someone that stays married, cheats, does not find her husband attractive and is cleary not in love with him or loves him but gives the impression she is to everyone around her. This is settling. I know this person well. This person is consumed with how it looks or what people think. At the end of the day you have to put your head down on the pillow and be happy with the decision you have made. Don't give a crap about others and their opinions. They do not live your life and know what really goes on in your heart and in your head. Live an Authentic life. Whatever you do jump in with both feet and do it well....Most importantly be happy. Good Luck

Edited January 14, 2010 by SummerLady

[pyroguy]

Settling means you are with someone as a matter of convenience. Could be kids, money, not wanting to be alone, wanting to get married, keeping the status quo, not wanting to get divorced. Many people settle. I settled in my first marriage. Example: I know someone that stays married, cheats, does not find her husband attractive and is cleary not in love with him or loves him but gives the impression she is to everyone around her. This is settling. I know this person well. This person is consumed with how it looks or what people think. At the end of the day you have to put your head down on the pillow and be happy with the decision you have made. Don't give a crap about others and their opinions. They do not live your life and know what really goes on in your heart and in your head. Live an Authentic life. Whatever you do jump in with both feet and do it well....Most importantly be happy. Good Luck

 

In my pessimistic view, this is probably at least 50% of marriages or relationships. THey seem to exist..just to exist. The situation you describe with your friend is so prevalent now, it would shock many, especially many husbands.

 

It's very sad, that nobody seems to be happy with what they have. Yes, live an authentic life. People like your friend don't realize that she's sentencing her husband to a life of being with someone who is not attracted to him and doesn't want him. He will sense it in some from or another. A lifetime to steal from someone is a shame.

[NowhereToHide]

I do my very best to try to hide this. You say I knew all this going into marriage ( that she didn't like anal ) but she knew how much I did as well. So as much as it sucks for me to be sexually dissatisfied with her...I realize that it must suck for her to know I am sexually dissatisifed with her...but she knew what I liked and if she knew how much she hated it and would be unwilling to do it then it is just as much her issue as mine.

 

I have been following this post, but now I feel I must respond. This is such a load of crap on so many levels.

 

This is NOT HER ISSUE. It is yours. Yes it takes two to make a sexually-satisfying relationship. But this is YOUR desire. So it is up to you to 1) determine how important this need is and 2) evaluate whether or not this person is willing to satisfy your need BEFORE you married.

 

This is tantamount to you saying that it was HER JOB TO CHANGE FOR YOU. You went into it expecting this, even though she made it clear that she doesn't like it (in fact, it sounds like she more than doesn't like it).

 

If I thought that my H HAD to have anal sex often to be satisfied, I would be sure to let him know that it just ain't going to happen. If he chooses to still be with me, then he knows it will involve a life without anal sex. Period.

 

You don't get to come back and now say it is HER fault that she isn't sexually satisfying you with something that SHE NEVER HID THAT SHE HATES and that you knew she wasn't willing to provide often.

 

You're playing the victim. Decide what you can and cannot live with. And then choose.