make me believe Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I think you should probably break up with her, just because you seem like the type of guy to be really insecure & dwell on this kind of thing. Some of your complaints make no sense. She told you she went for very good-looking/model types? Did you expect to hear that she had a thing for ugly guys? I dunno, I just don't see her number as a big issue. This is a classic example of how guys judge women SO harshly & unfairly based on their sexual past -- key word there being PAST! I don't understand all this talk about whether or not she's "changed". Has she cheated on any of her boyfriends? Did any of this casual sex occur during other relationships?? If not, then it's completely irrelevant to your situation and no "change" needs to occur!! Having casual sex while you're single has NO bearing on how a person will behave when they are in a relationship.
dazzle22 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I am posting by text so excuse typos. People with high numbers always say the past is not important, get over it.. My current husband was a playboy and has high numbers, lots of ONS, threesome, short flings. I never did that. We see eye to eye on almost everything else, but the fact is, he can see sex as 'sport' very easily and I cannot. I have to admit his numbers bother me quite a bit, but it is the baggage he came with and I love him. You will never see eyey to eye on this and the only reason she is acting more demure now is she knows how you feel. Doesn,t mean she can't be faithful, but she fundamentally has a different perpective that will NOT be changed by you. The 'list' sounds like what a player would do.. Most women would chronicle more details in a diary frankly.
allina Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 I don't see a problem here. Maybe she enjoys sex, what's wrong with that? Instead of settling for mediocre relationships she enjoyed sex with men until she found someone she wanted a relationship with, YOU. She wasn't a "slut" that needs to be changed or rehabilitated
BUENG1 Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Johnny pretty much summed it up quite well about her getting older and about her biological clock as she has brang up that topic a few times (her bio clock) and a lot of her frens around her are already starting to get married.... I am definitely positive that list is of all her sexual encounters...and wat gets to me about her past dates is that she even admits to me that she goes for the really good looking or model looking guys.... i dunno what the hell am i supposed to think of that.. A lot of my mates have told me the same thing about her and that i could do a lot better and she has way too much baggage.... BUT all her Family, frens, and watever absolutely adore me....and can see how sweet and caring i am to her so its making it harder for me to just do this and let her go as im quite close to her family...i have a feeling that her frens are a bad influence on her though....those party type of girls that enjoy getting drunks and doing those recreational drugs... I dunno if im making a mistake by not giving her a chance..but at the same time i dont want to waste time by letting this drag on if i know it wont work because of the way she is.. Anyways should i just get it over with and bring up that stupid list she made?....it just makes me feel sick knowing that that many people have slept with her...am i being too old fashioned or something? How is the sex life between the two of you?
Author ChrisTJ Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 Okay thanks all for posting, ill just expand on my part a bit further so you all understand from my point of view a bit more. When myself and her did have discussions about her sexual past and I was questioning why she did it, she always said 'i was single back then, im allowed to do that stuff..it was just for fun', which is fair enuf i understand... theres nothing i can do about that cause its already happened, ive already accepted that matter, what i have trouble understanding is why make a list for that right now when ur with me? I just dont understand the meaning behind it...to me its immature and basically saying that she is proud of it and wants to remember, whereas she told me face to face that she wasnt proud of the things she did in the past, do u get me? She stated that whenever she was in a relationship she was faithful and commited except with her 2nd srs bf who broke up with her cause he moved to another country, they wanted to stay in a long distance relationship and she found out that he was seeing another girl while he was overseas so she had revenge 'sex' watever but she felt terrible afterwards.... i never really asked too much about that. But what i find funny about this is that, i also found out from her that whenever she went over there for holidays (cause her relatives are from the same city to which he moved in) he made contact with her and she accepted to see him and they had dinner and had 'fun', when i asked her why the hell wud u see him... and her reason was 'i was single back then, im allowed' and then i replied by saying 'so even though u realised his just using u for sex u still sleep with him?' her response being 'so...maybe i was just using him too'... Sometimes i don't think she realizes the thing she says or does...probably cause she hasnt developed the mental maturity or responsiblities because of too many partying in the younger years.. I probably have been acting insecure because at times she still does go out with her girl frens, but at every opportunity she has to drink and get drunk or watever then she will, but thats a total different matter, and her reason being is that she doesnt want to be a party pooper or its 'boring' if she doesnt do anything... Its not my intention of stopping her from having fun, all i want her to know is that she shud still have more self respect and just act her age... I will mention one important thing though, she has cut down on alcohol and going out with her frens and stuff quite a bit for me, and even her frens have taken notice and told me that its because she wants to be with me and loves me... which is why im also confused cause i dunno whether she is trying to be better and stuff. I know most of you will probably say, 'thats how she is, if you want to be with her, then you should just accept her for who she is and not try to change her or judge her.' Which is why im only asking on what your opinion is and what you think of the situation.. Im totally lost right now cause my deep gut feeling is telling me that its just a waste of time and people like this wont change because she has always just been going out and having fun all her life so she wont understand where im coming from, but i dunno if im making a mistake by just breaking it off, but finding things like this list makes me question everything and wtf shes thinking inside.... I understand that most of what im saying about her is negative and i have not listed one good point, which is probably my biggest issue right now, i will prob stick around and just watch to see if she will get better over time...if not then ill break it off..
Author ChrisTJ Posted January 14, 2010 Author Posted January 14, 2010 How is the sex life between the two of you? I would say its good, she seems to be satisfied, but ever since i found out about that list, its affected my performance mentally a bit...but thats something i have to fix.
OnlyJake Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 You're making ASSumptions about why she made the stupid list. Why don't you just ask her why she did?
and.then.some Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Okay... her past is her past, so what is really bugging you? Has she cheated on you? Do you suspect her of cheating? Being a cheater and whoring about aren't necessarily one in the same? Is it a history of leaving a serious relationship at the drop of a dime? I'm missing here how a list is leading you to have so many STRONG questions about her character. If she told you in the beginning that it had been three months since she last slept with someone else. And if she told you in the beginning that she thought 4 dates was rather "long" to wait... then this isn't new news. You knew this going in. You say you're afraid she hasn't changed? Changed in what way? If she's not out there having threesomes in the park while in a relationship with you after all this time, then I don't understand what you're so concerned about. Maybe she made the list to come to terms with something... to put things in perspective... maybe she's going to write her memoirs. At the age of 28, I can't imagine it to be a list for the purposes of boasting. You're right, most people don't change in three short months. But, sometimes, the events of one single day can be enough to change a person for a life time. Besides, it hasn't been 3 months. It's been three months plus the amount of time you've been with her. If there is something else in the relationship that unsettles you, then maybe you need to deal with the issues. However, if it's only this list, then I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I'm inclined to believe that it's most likely a totally innocent list.
allina Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 Chris, when we probe and examine all of anyone's past we will find things that aren't perfect. A stupid list is a stupid list. We all sometimes do dumb things with no real reasons behind it. Does she treat you well? Does she show you respect and affection? Do you have fun together?
dreamergrl Posted January 14, 2010 Posted January 14, 2010 If you can't handle what her past is or could be then don't go probing about it. You are the present. Some people do wild and crazy things as young adults. People grow and mature and things change. Either accept it or move on.
Author ChrisTJ Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 Okay everyone i confronted her about it.......but now i regret not finishing it and ending it...pls tell me what u think.....im so lost, read and you will understand. I went over her place on the weekend cause we had planned to go out that day, so while she was getting ready, i found the list where she kept it and then i asked her what this was all about.... she came into the room.. and was shocked/surprised that i had found it...i was calm and casual about it, i never at one point got upset or raised my voice she then casually replied to me "ohh thats nothing, its just a list of guys i was planning to invite to a party of mine a while ago" I looked at her with a blank expression, cause i was in disbelief.. i knew she was lying to me... i looked at her and replied back... "ok but why is it titled past and why is my name in there, not to mention why is there only guys names, i see no girls names".. She tried to change the subject and said "oh dont worry about it, its just a dumb list for the party..." at this point i was really really hurt....i cudnt believe she has to lie, i looked and her and said "why are you lying to me? i know what this is...youve told me before that the past is the past, yet u make this list of all the guys you've had 'fun' with...ur unbelievable.." She then told me that it isnt what i think it is, she kept apoligizing saying "im sorry, im so sorry, pls forgive me, it is a list of the guys that i have seen and dated in my whole life, but i didnt sleep with all of them...most of them are just guys that have liked me" I told her to just forget about everything and i didnt want to hear anymore and i then walked away, i already heard enuf and i made my decision to end the relationship cause i didnt kno how i cud trust her if she tried to lie to me so easily. She kept begging me and apologizing and pulled me back not to leave while i was still walking to the door and saying something like "Im so sorry it was a stupid thing, i was just really bored when i made that list, i made it before we even dated... its just a list of all the guys in my whole life that have liked me or i have dated or slept with, pls forgive me, ever since ive met u i have never msged or called or talked to any other guy, i even have my facebook with u as my relationship status, pls dont leave, cant u c that ur the only one for me, pls baby dont go...please..." She said started getting all teary...then told me that it was all in the past and she will get rid of the list, and kept pulling me to stay... i rly didnt know whether or not to believe her, if she lied to me at the start, how do i know she isnt lying to me about whether or not if she did sleep with the whole list? Cause wudnt it be logical to list all the guys u have slept with rather then that have liked you? Thats why im having srs doubts, but i was so emotional during that period that i wasnt thinking straight, and in the end i ending up making up with her and staying with her... After speaking with my frens today though, they told me that it wud make sense for her to lie to me about not sleeping with all the guys....if that is true, then honestly i dont want to be with her anymore....on that day i confronted her, she swore to me and promised me she isnt that type of girl and didnt sleep with every guy there....she told me that she lied because she was scared about how i wud react... One of the guys on that list was a guy she works with...and when i asked about that, she told me she promises she didnt see him, and that he only really liked her a lot. But i remember her telling me long before this that she had dated a guy for fun for 6 mths... but i realized he has same nationality as that particular workmate(i only just started realizing this today), how do i know she isnt talking about him.... So that's whats making me think...maybe she did lie to me about the list. This is just one of the things i was thinking of everyone please help me.... i dont know.. shud i just forget about it and continue with her or just end it, its killing me right now
dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 This is why you don't go looking for answers you can't handle.
Art_Critic Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 everyone please help me.... i dont know.. shud i just forget about it and continue with her or just end it, its killing me right now First off.. I don't think MAKING a list of people you have slept with is that bad.. like I said before.. I have made one but I also threw it in the trash and would never had kept it and I was already out of the dating pool when I made it. I stick with my words and say that your GF is NOT a slut.. But.. she is lying to you, she lied to you and is still lying to you.. Nobody makes a list of people that have LIKED them..EFF'd them yes.. If I were you I'd be looking at the possiblity of kicking her to the curb for the lying part more than anything.. I can't stand someone who lies and can't be upfront about things.. especially when confronted DIRECTLY with an issue that puts them in a bad light.. To me that is the time for someone who is untruthful to come clean and make amends.. Should you break up with her ?.. that one my friend is on your side of the fence to be answered.. How much disrespect are you willing to handle.. some can handle a lot.. some, like myself have little compassion for someone who disrespects me. Good Luck...
dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I agree with AC to a point. She shouldn't have lied. But you shouldn't have made her feel like she should lie about her past. You should have let her past just be that. I'm not condoning lying, as I despise liars. But I also despise people that push people to feel as though they have to lie. Perhaps I misread something, but I get the impression that you made her feel like a bad person for having a past before you.
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 So, if you don't bring it up to her (the list you randomly came across), you will have it on your mind constantly and it will tear at you...... If you do, you may not like the outcome of what she has to say.... You need to choose if she is worth it.....That is the way I view this thread. Everyone one has a past, it is up to you if you accept it or not.
allina Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think you acted like a jerk She lied because she KNEW you were upset when you cornered her with her PRIVATE list. She didn't need to cry and apologize, she didn't do anything wrong. She hasn't treated you poorly, cheated on you or done anything wrong. Get over it.
GAchasen Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 Okay thanks all for posting, ill just expand on my part a bit further so you all understand from my point of view a bit more. When myself and her did have discussions about her sexual past and I was questioning why she did it, she always said 'i was single back then, im allowed to do that stuff..it was just for fun', which is fair enuf i understand... theres nothing i can do about that cause its already happened, ive already accepted that matter, what i have trouble understanding is why make a list for that right now when ur with me? I just dont understand the meaning behind it...to me its immature and basically saying that she is proud of it and wants to remember, whereas she told me face to face that she wasnt proud of the things she did in the past, do u get me? She stated that whenever she was in a relationship she was faithful and commited except with her 2nd srs bf who broke up with her cause he moved to another country, they wanted to stay in a long distance relationship and she found out that he was seeing another girl while he was overseas so she had revenge 'sex' watever but she felt terrible afterwards.... i never really asked too much about that. But what i find funny about this is that, i also found out from her that whenever she went over there for holidays (cause her relatives are from the same city to which he moved in) he made contact with her and she accepted to see him and they had dinner and had 'fun', when i asked her why the hell wud u see him... and her reason was 'i was single back then, im allowed' and then i replied by saying 'so even though u realised his just using u for sex u still sleep with him?' her response being 'so...maybe i was just using him too'... Sometimes i don't think she realizes the thing she says or does...probably cause she hasnt developed the mental maturity or responsiblities because of too many partying in the younger years.. I probably have been acting insecure because at times she still does go out with her girl frens, but at every opportunity she has to drink and get drunk or watever then she will, but thats a total different matter, and her reason being is that she doesnt want to be a party pooper or its 'boring' if she doesnt do anything... Its not my intention of stopping her from having fun, all i want her to know is that she shud still have more self respect and just act her age... I will mention one important thing though, she has cut down on alcohol and going out with her frens and stuff quite a bit for me, and even her frens have taken notice and told me that its because she wants to be with me and loves me... which is why im also confused cause i dunno whether she is trying to be better and stuff. I know most of you will probably say, 'thats how she is, if you want to be with her, then you should just accept her for who she is and not try to change her or judge her.' Which is why im only asking on what your opinion is and what you think of the situation.. Im totally lost right now cause my deep gut feeling is telling me that its just a waste of time and people like this wont change because she has always just been going out and having fun all her life so she wont understand where im coming from, but i dunno if im making a mistake by just breaking it off, but finding things like this list makes me question everything and wtf shes thinking inside.... I understand that most of what im saying about her is negative and i have not listed one good point, which is probably my biggest issue right now, i will prob stick around and just watch to see if she will get better over time...if not then ill break it off.. Wait a minute......ALCOHOL...So how much was she drinking??? I think that may be more of an issue than 28 guys on a list. lol
dreamergrl Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 She's changing her life style for you? So she's seeking your approval? Why does she feel the need to get your approval? Did you make her feel bad for her life style and past? Shouldn't she be making changes for herself?
Author ChrisTJ Posted January 18, 2010 Author Posted January 18, 2010 I never asked her to change her lifestyle for me.... When i first started going out with her, i didnt know she was this type of person. She already knew by herself that she was a party girl and she wanted to change to get better cause she was getting older and she wants to settle down, i never tried to make her change...i only wanted her to improve and get to know her better, but everytime i learnt a little bit more about her i started to realize that she is still the same as what she described to me as how she was before (partying days) when she was just having 'fun'. Shes a very social person and she likes to drink and stuff... which she knows i dont like because look if ur getting older and wanting to start a family and stuff its time to just grow up.... would u like ur partner to always be drinking and throwing up? I dont think so... especially if they are nearly 30 and tell you they are trying to get better but yet no matter how much i help her she still does the same thing cause shes been spoilt and selfish her whole life...im not sticking around if im not happy... Ive convinced my self already after having a long think about it... She was worse before she met me with the alcohol and always going out every week to a club, but she has cut down on that...im just giving u an idea of wat kinda person she was/is.... anyways...ive thought about it and im not happy that she lied to me....cause it makes me feel like she can lie to me again about anything...so ive made the decision that i will most likely end this relationship..i also dont feel comfortable that shes slept with guys shes worked with and is still working with not to mention the amount on the list and her reason for making it was because she was bored.... I dont like how she lied to me....this is the main reason...she simply shudnt have made the list in the first place if shes in a relationship with me... I have tried my best to treat her well and make her happy...but i just cant handle this anymore... Thanks to all for their comments... she deserves someone who will respect her no matter how much they know about her past and wont judge her ...unfortunately i thought i could do that, but i just cant handle the lies and her social lifestyle and future possibilities..
lino Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think the two of you aren't suited for each other and it probably isn't the worst idea that you break up with her. If you're happy to remain as just another name on the list and keep bonking her then maybe you could ask her if she's cool with that. Why the f*ck does someone need a list like that anyway? I reckon it's pretty sad! If you were snooping and found that list then I think you did wrong there. Other than that I don't think you acted inappropriately, it would have come out one way or another anyway. It's obvious why she got really defensive and lied about it.
make me believe Posted January 18, 2010 Posted January 18, 2010 I think you acted like a jerk She lied because she KNEW you were upset when you cornered her with her PRIVATE list. She didn't need to cry and apologize, she didn't do anything wrong. She hasn't treated you poorly, cheated on you or done anything wrong. Get over it. Yeah, I agree with this. It sucks she lied, but geez obviously she knew she was going to be persecuted for telling you the truth. I think it's good to break up with the poor girl. Let her find somebody who actually respects her and doesn't spend his time digging around in her past to find reasons to judge her.
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